I Keep My Quiet Tears

My colleague, named C, talked about her trip to Autocity. She was excited. She told me, "You know the place where they..."

I shook my head and gave a bitter smile, "Sorry, I have never been to Autocity."

"Wait, the last time you said you never been to Genting or Cameron, now Autocity. I wonder WHERE did you go for trip?"

At that moment, I swore I heard my heart cracks and bleeds. I managed to force out a wider smile and replied, "No, there was never a time I actually have a trip. I usually go to certain places because there is some work there, like it's Chinese New Year and I have to go back to Kedah, or going for interview so I have to go down to KL."

"Ask your friends along?"

"I don't have any friends coming along."

I turned away, faced my PC and worked the shit out of me. Because I am scared. Because my heart's weeping. What happened to me? Now I have realised I never been to a trip with anyone. Once, only because I have to back Ipoh and my friend wanted me to bring him around, so I brought him. That's not a trip. That's a convenience.

Did I go to Autocity before? No
Pavillion? No
Seaside? No
Camping? No

21 years. Goddamn 21 years.

My parents said it's OK, "We will bring you around if we are able to."

If.

And you know, the time I hang out with Vancy and Puaycian? Puaycian said, "Wow, it's the first time we all watch movies together."

I wept again.

Christmas, everyone checking in and out on foursquare or whatever square they've got. I am alone in my room designing a Warcraft Map.

Things are going to change, people keep telling. Yeah, shit they do. I want to be alone now.

Maybe I should delete my facebook account once I graduated. Maybe just deactivate.

Why people keep telling me where they go and they never invited me?

OK, gotta go now. I don't want to talk. I can't see my blog now. Blurry eyes.

If the Storm Ends

What if this storm ends and I can't see you as you are now?

 

 

Raining December, stormy season

I am drifting alone for a reason

 

Bringing memories, of us together

What hope I have but better?

 

And then the rain comes, as I see

When I see you not with me

 

Been called with glorious name

But I feel like it's a game

 

Where you go by your friends

while I have to wait till the end

 

The people you be with, numerous

The people I go with, tears will burst

 

I hope for more

but only get sore

 

For we are nothing

out of something

 

I want to laugh with you as we go

I want to cry with you as we go

 

But I have neither reached this or that

while you have, but not with me, so sad

 

If the storm ends, I would walk away

I can't bear the look and words you say

 

If you are not here with me

so let my heart alone to be

 

Don't stomp my heart

and yet say never be apart

 

Because when I leave

there's nothing that will make me stay, with much grief

 

Because when I walk away

nothing will make my heart sway

 

If it comes down that I am a pilgrim of loneliness

Then I must continue my journey to the distance

 

Never stay on you for a chapter

Never be with you for any longer

 

If the storm ends...

WATCH

Watch this video, I COMMAN YOU!!!

 

what? the letter 'D' is missing? that shows how much attention you spend on the video and how you ignore the video!

 

And please...

 

share

share

share

click

click

click

view

view

view

 

 

 

Rachel, from nobody to somebody, to buddy, a friend of mine, the HULK, has produced a video. Watch it and share it, scallywags!

Reynolds Much

I, forgive me for my ignorance, didn't know books can have trailers. I have never thought of how books trailers might be. And when I first saw some glimpse of Alastair Reynolds' book trailer for his latest work "Blue Remembered Earth", I was like 'wow'.

Well, I read some of the reviews of the video and although the book is on the bookshelves of every major bookstores in the world (except Malaysia, from what I know), I think pretty many people have already read it. The reviews on the video tempt me to tear through the wrapper and read it, because one of the video comments is "Reynolds' video definitely has revealed all the plots on it, if you know where to look for clues."

Wait, video with clues?

So today I went to KLCC's Kinokuniya Bookstore to search for it. In the last post, I remembered saying that the staff told me the paperback British version will only be on the shelf next year January. But today, I saw it! And without much hesitation, I bought it, in case I made the same mistake on Alastair's Chasm City, which after I hesitated, I regretted, because it took me almost 10 years to find it back.

I wanted to blue cover, like this one:

 

 

 

 

But I realised Kinokuniya has this:

I've heard from the author that the tagline "Book One of Poseidon's Children" has been removed. OK, this book is actually part of a trilogy, BUT, the stories are pretty much standalone. How can that be? It is because, when you read all three, the much larger scale of plot is unleashed. And for your info, this book plot spans from 22nd century to 11,000 years in the future.

 

Don't get stunned, because he wrote a book spanning up to 6 million years in the future (Though I don't really like that book, it's the weakest of all of his works)

 

Cool huh?

 

So get one now! Before you suffer the 10-year fate like me!

 

PS: I have now all his works! Except Zima Blue.

 



Reynoldian

So much about Vernian, or Vernean, or Vernien (derived from Vernes) the author of Journey to the Centre of the Earth. Strange but loyal followers-cum-believers of Vernes are regarded as the listed callings above.

Me? I am afraid I am falling into a black hole brought to life by Alastair Reynolds. I first read his novel when it was the year 2006 or so. It was the less-than-half-a-dozen times trip to KL and my aunt brought my family and I to 1Utama.

I brought wreckage at the double-storeyed MPH bookstores.

I saw his book. And I knew mum wouldn't let me to buy it (because of my poor results, lazy attitude). So I just 'window-booking'. But then, mum suddenly allowed me to buy books. My elder bro asked me wanna buy some books author called "Alla something". I sensed his thoughts. I raced to the shelves and took the first book out of the entire lot, titled "Pushing Ice".

Alastair Reynolds, konon. 'Alla something', huh?

There are two factors that drove me to buy this title. And please don't laugh at me.

Number 1: the cover page is blue. It is close to copper (ii) sulphate solution colour. My favourite colour. My precious.

Number 2: the time setting is not too far fetch. Just around 2057. Half a century from now. But drives the entire crew to 260 light years away, stumbling an 18,000-year-old human relic.

For the science nerds, your jaw may fall. How can the time and light (years) don't add up? Nothing travels faster than the speed of light! Well, go read this book. Alastair definitely did not write anything about FTL (faster-than-light).

Now, the new trilogy (not really in series. It's broken into 3 books with standalone characters, but continuous quest and journey and adventure) called the Poseidon's Children is out next year for UK version in M'sia Kinokuniya!

Me likey!

Best thing is, it has a book trailer. @@

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lIbf2RcSgDA

The Cobbler (Story of my KL life)

Based on a true story/experience of mine.


My shoe was ripped when I walked and tripped on a carpet. I went to a cobbler by a street and asked him to fix for me. And thus we exchanged a few words. More than a few, I assure you.

He came from Indonesia, and he is currently taking over his uncle's job as his uncle has gone back to Indonesia 'balik kampung'. He is a very shy guy. He quietly sits by a low stool and stare at passerbys with his big mouse-like eyes, hoping one of the busy business people would stop by and have their shoes cleaned or fixed.

I remembered the moment he smiled when I approached him.

'Kasut rosak?' he asked, staring down at my right foot.

I nodded.

'Dua-dua pun mesti buat,' he said firmly.

In my heart, I was thinking: what? This is a cheater! How can he fix both my shoes when only one of mine is spoilt! I looked down to my left foot. The 'unharmed' one. He pointed at it and instructed me to take it off. At first, I was very reluctant. Then, just for the sake of getting my shoes done quickly so I could get back to work, I took of my left shoe.

To my surprise, I realised my left shoe was cracked (quietly) along the sole and the leather. It was barely noticeable unless I twist my shoe in an odd angle! How could he know!

So I took off my shoes, sat on another stool and began a conversation with him. But he told me to have my meal first. I couldn't refuse. I went to gobble my food and ran back there and continued our talk.

Through the conversation, I have begun to understand more about myself: I am introvert. Very introvert. I prefer to get myself smiling for tiny little deeds and never laugh out loud. I love joining small companies and have a nice and neat chit-chat, rather than a thunderous laughter and roaring shouts of parties. I don't like beer, as such. I don't even like my close friend touching strong alcohols. I mean, you can have a can, but don't drown yourself with a dozen.

Rude. Immoral.

I take care of people, but I require the same, because I am taking pieces of my heart to care for people, and so I need them to  repair me as well. Reciprocity. That's who I am.

I want people to feel warm when they are with me. I stick very close to a particular group. I belong to that group and that group must have me. I cannot tolerate that group going off finding others and be grouped with them.

And because of such needs, I need a close companion. Not of a lover, but something different. Unfortunately, in this world, people like such is very rare. So rare that till now I have yet to come across with such. Maybe I should visit institutes for the special people and autistics. Perhaps I can find there. It's not an insult, it's true.

'You tak suka happy dengan banyak orang?' I asked, forgive my broken language.

'Tak,' he shook his head as he sewed my shoes. 'Sorang happy lagi best dari dibuat happy oleh dia orang.' He flashed me with a semi-toothless smile.

So did I get my right companion that I wish for? I don't think so. So far, that Z. Yang is like a flashbulb. Sometimes bright and sometimes dim. Sometimes warm and sometimes cold. Sometimes near and yet so far because I know he has a lot of people he needs to shine at.

So definitely not him. Perhaps I got myself a wrong wish. But at the first place, why do I have such wish?

My last semester is coming, part of me want to spend this entire semester alone. Just some tag-alongs and piano friends. I already made two mental trips down to Kuala Lumpur secretly. I didn't make it last time, but this time round, I have already made such bookings. I love Kuala Lumpur for one thing, it gave me the warmth of being alone. The fire of solitude.

It's... nice.

My shoes got fixed in 30 minutes. Something struck in my head. The cobbler smiled at me again. I asked him to wait, took a pair of spare slippers from him and dashed to a bread shop, bought a RM5 wholemeal cereal, cheese + chicken + lettuce burger and ran back to the cobbler.

'Berapa?' I asked.

'Dua kasut, RM15,' he said with a nod.

I took out RM20, and handed him the burger. 'Makan kenyang-kenyang. For you.'

He was surprise. Maybe I was imagining, but I am sure his eyes was wetter by 5%. He grinned from ear to ear, with reddened cheeks. 'Tuk saya?'

'Ya, from me, to you, with love and thanks,' I am not sure whether he understands that, but he kept nodding. 'Makanlah, saya nak balik kerja. Thanks, bye!'

And I spun, taking my petty careful steps - not to spoil my shoes again - to my office.

In the crowded streets of CapSquare, Kuala Lumpur, the body heat maybe intolerable. But I am sure that I am giving something of heat that's not quite the same:

The heat that smiles.

Pursue

What have I been pursuing for the last ten years? I longed to have a very, very best friend/brother. The one that looks like we grew up playing together, sharing stuffs and stuffs more. Because of that, I have turned into a hideous monster. A very possessive and insisting monster.

What is it I have got for one year plus? A human being nothing but enslaved for responsibility and dependency. Is that what I am getting after ten years? I have asked myself for many times. What is it that I want? Did I get it/

It seems like a strong 'yes' in the first few months, but the answer has subsided, or melted, into something in between hesitation and ignorance. What is it that I want actually? I now realise, this dream I have been pursuing is still a dream. Impossible. Presposterous. Unless time flows back to when I am a kid, I go and mix and find someone to grow up with.

Petty nonsense, isn't it?

So instead of continue dreaming about it, I made my first move: Move.

I will give myself a space. 5 years, perhaps. I don't know how long it would take. But I hope the lines would snap off gracefully across the time to my graduation ceremony. I don't want any ropes tying on someone so strong that I feel hurt to severe it.

Alone, may be much better.

Brotherhood is all but a dream. In fact there is someone I treasure most. I don't know why. The comfort I get, the confidence I gain. It's nothing compared to what had happened all these times.

I am happy now.

I am liberated.

May all of you bless me.

TQ. Till we meet again.

Day 0 - Internship Log

Landed at Sri Damansara yesterday and tonight is the night I should be preparing for tomorrow's first day of internship training. Yay. Too bad this house only has broadband service which is a super slow one. But never mind, I don't think I can online often too, but I will try my best to update my blog every day for these log entries.

Dada and mama backed to Ipoh already, somehow I feel alone. But I hope it's ok cuz last time when I felt the same feeling, it eases away two days later.

I miss my bruder very much. I want to hug him again. =(. I don't know how to describe the feeling. I want to see his face and hear him laugh again. Now I know how much of a fuel to me as a driver forward.

I made a promise, to be a better guy within these 3 months. I want him to be proud of me. Of course, my family is already proud of me and I am going to make them proud-er. But now I am talking about my bruder. I want him to see me as a grown guy, no longer such 'kecil hati' anymore. I have trained my emotions and I will continue. Last time my emotion line is like this:

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ where by the upper peak is angry and lower peak is sadness.

I have trained to less angrier and the sad peak is still there. Gotta control ownself before controlling others, they say, eh?

I whisper to myself this: once I get back to Kampar, the first thing I am going to do after chugging my luggage down is run to his house and give him a bear hug so tight that we can feel our heartbeats.

Hehe.. Nuff said, gotta sign off. Love ya!

WarCraft ||| Map

I don't know what to describe me. I know it's exam time but I have done such things:

 

I have designed a WarCraft III Map!

 

It took me two days but not exactly more than 30 hours in doing it, because I have short attention span. One minute I am designing it, and another minute I study my notes. And without further ado, I present to you, my map (inspired by the geological features from my novel)!

ABOVE: So, this is a bird-eye view of the entire map. Top left corner is Player 1's (YOU) base. And the base is situated at a hill surrounded by a wall and a thick door. Look, this is a screenshot of it:

 

ABOVE and BELOW: Notice the agrarian culture of your city. But look out, you might think it is safe to hide behind the walls and just mine, mine and mine gold and resources huh? Well you are dead wrong! The door provided serves both as a defend and as a... door. Open the door and the enemies will swarm in, but if you don't, the enemies will have air assault on you! So what's your choice?

 

 

 

ABOVE: The farmer's wife and his children, happily minding their own business in shepherding and wheat-harvesting. They don't mean anything. Yes, seriously, they don't.

 

 

 

ABOVE: (Felwood) Why am I showing you this? Well, look carefully, something is hidden amidst the rocks. And a little spoiler, if your armies and heroes are below Level 4, do not enter this dangerous gloomy forest. Don't. Just, don't.

 

 

 

ABOVE: The grandest waterfall. (Though there is a reason why that statue is pointing in that direction. And there's a reason why that statue is that model)

 

 

 

ABOVE: The Green Dragon Valley. Yup, the name pretty obviously point to something there right? This is the valley shot. A lonely gold mine hopes to be exploit disastrously. The green forest on the right is actually growing on a tall mountain where... (no, not where the dragons lie)

ABOVE: The mysterious purple forest (Adapted from my novel: The Amethypurle Forest). The stag there is very shy... or frightened. But of what? Hehehe...



Oh, and there are so many features of the map I haven't blurted out yet because it's totally a spoiler. =P

Your mission is simple: Your King is captured by a strongforce and slained before you could do anything (unless you type cheat, you cheater!) and when he is revived at your altar, you have to eliminate all forces and get the land for your own.

In other words, kill all. But it is no ordinary map. The AI is different.

But the problem is, the purple forest is a bit problematic.

And another helpful hint: do NOT expect easy creeps everywhere. Everything is limited here.



OK, signing off.
Love ya!

Buddha

BUDDHA: Our Great Teacher