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Tuesday, December 25, 2012

I Keep My Quiet Tears

My colleague, named C, talked about her trip to Autocity. She was excited. She told me, "You know the place where they..."

I shook my head and gave a bitter smile, "Sorry, I have never been to Autocity."

"Wait, the last time you said you never been to Genting or Cameron, now Autocity. I wonder WHERE did you go for trip?"

At that moment, I swore I heard my heart cracks and bleeds. I managed to force out a wider smile and replied, "No, there was never a time I actually have a trip. I usually go to certain places because there is some work there, like it's Chinese New Year and I have to go back to Kedah, or going for interview so I have to go down to KL."

"Ask your friends along?"

"I don't have any friends coming along."

I turned away, faced my PC and worked the shit out of me. Because I am scared. Because my heart's weeping. What happened to me? Now I have realised I never been to a trip with anyone. Once, only because I have to back Ipoh and my friend wanted me to bring him around, so I brought him. That's not a trip. That's a convenience.

Did I go to Autocity before? No
Pavillion? No
Seaside? No
Camping? No

21 years. Goddamn 21 years.

My parents said it's OK, "We will bring you around if we are able to."

If.

And you know, the time I hang out with Vancy and Puaycian? Puaycian said, "Wow, it's the first time we all watch movies together."

I wept again.

Christmas, everyone checking in and out on foursquare or whatever square they've got. I am alone in my room designing a Warcraft Map.

Things are going to change, people keep telling. Yeah, shit they do. I want to be alone now.

Maybe I should delete my facebook account once I graduated. Maybe just deactivate.

Why people keep telling me where they go and they never invited me?

OK, gotta go now. I don't want to talk. I can't see my blog now. Blurry eyes.

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