Espionage + Gone

I thought I have quit espionage service a long time ago, before I stepped my first foot in UTAR (helllooo? How many feet I got anyway?). Alright, sorry for the bombastic term "ESPIONAGE", well, I am going to explain to you:

Espionage (noun) - An act of an individual or an organisation to obtain any information that is considered a secret without the permission of the information holder.

Yeah, me and my ketam-y explanation. One word: SPY.

I used to join espionage system of a vast complicated network, then I pulled out, deciding to join UTAR to be a better person. OK, I know it sounds like the Ashton Kutcher movie, but it's true. I quitted being a spy.

But this semester, damn, I am back, unvoluntarily and unconsciously. It wasn't my fault. Well, sort of. Just because I have to know someone's background to keep me safe, I have to do so...

OK, fine.

But doing espionage is difficult and tragic. I tend to know secrets that I shouldn't know. I tried to accept X, but X seemed to be couldn't care less with that pissed off attitude. I tried to accept Y, but suddenly Y becomes a good friend of X, rendering me alone in the corner. Then, I tried avoiding both.

In simpler terms:
X is volatile
Y is not
I can know X but Y cannot know X.
Now the equation is X 'not equal to' Y,
if X = Y, then Me is out of the equation.

Since X=Y now,
so Me is GONE.

'I want you to know, it doesn't matter where we take this road, 'cause someone's gotta go...'

Saturday Night Fever

For you: It's not I hate you, it's not I like you, it's just that we cannot be.

LOL, I feel perfect this weekend. Out of nonsense and cries! LOL.... I can't stop smiling at myself. Yesterday I went to Vegas for lunch, LOL, with Jeffry and WeiFa. Hey, although I am a bicycle fan, Jeffry has a car ok? So he took us there.

It's been my 3rd time there for the entire life in UTAR. (1st time with family, 2nd time with AiLi and Siewcheng)

Then, went back and have a rest. Later, WeiFa invited me and Weiwei for dinner at his house. LOL. And we walked there. And BY THE WAY, someone misunderstood we are couples. Really SWT. Then after eating with WeiFa, we get to know his 'secret' manager, aka secretary. LOL...

Of course we had our Music Club Weekly Classses meeting.

Damn, I purposely avoided eye contact but that fellow still manage to 'dig' me out. You know who I mean...

Then I went to sleep with those WORDS from that fellow swarming in my mind. I feel kinda syok when that fellow did that. LOL. I am not sadistic, but it somehow like, erm, I miss that kind of way being 'dug'.

LOL.... sorry because this post is an ultimate nonsense. It's my first time writing a real blog of mine, unless you are able to decipher the Wanderer series. LOL

[PS: you can tell how happy am I by counting how many LOL's I have written. LOL]

Wanderer (Episode 13)

The Wanderer sat on the chair furiously, took out a quill, deep in the darkest ink he could find and carved deeply on the parchment:

"I thought you are good enough to be honest. But everything I found about you is about lie. You betrayed me by becoming one of the Ascension, formed by Queue. You lied to me about not joining the Ascension. You lied to me about your learning. You lied to me about your wealth. You lied to me about everything.

I gave you my life for making you a better pilgrim, in the end, I am making a miserable life for myself. What for? I have been asking myself. What for I seek pilgrimage at the Grey Palace? For seeking a new Apprentice? A new Disciple?

I asked myself thousands of times this year but I couldn't find an answer.

Now, it is clear that you betrayed your own master and your guild. I have no choice but not to exile you. I will do my own exile. I will not interfere with anything happening in the guild, nor I will have more Apprentices. Your future is yours and I have no means to control it.

I will silently leave and seek my own pilgrimage at the other corner of the Grey Palace, where you would never ever see me, send me letters or meet me.

I have had enough taking care all my Apprentices. It's time for you all to stand on your own.

Signed,
Regrettably
Wanderer."

Helping Hand

Once, I fell badly because I was obsessed with a target. Sorry, not the kind of target you are thinking. But I did fell badly, so badly that I thought the world is closing around me while shifting everyone out of existence, leaving me in lonely, darkness and a claustrophobic world.

Then there was a hand slipped in through a thick curtain. I looked up, cleaned my tears and grabbed it. The hand seemed like to have an immense strength, the moment the hand pulled me up, the walls opened up and the world was bright.

Then, I lost the sight of the hand.

I searched everywhere and I can't find it. Just as I was sinking down on myself again, frustrating and desperate over the search, the same hand patted on my back. I quickly turned my head to see who was behind me.

Again, the hand was gone.

Then after a series of hide-and-seek game, I realised something significant:

"A true friend's helping hand never shows his/her face because helping isn't about showing"

Wanderer (Episode 12)

'I have been keeping all the letters I wrote to you,' he read the age-old script. It was from his first Disciple. 'You taught me a lot. You taught me how to look at the world and how to be in it.'

He couldn't read it anymore. He felt his heart was shaking, on the verge of crying.

If he didn't do that, he wouldn't have such sad ending till he needed to seek pilgrimage at the Grey Palace. It had been a long time since he saw his Disciple. He saw him once at a market, but sadly, the Disciple refused to look and greet at him. It was all in embarassment.

His master once told him:
"A man who finds himself comfortable with ladies is ought to be careful,
A man who fancies himself be with any lady is ought to be cautious,
A man who glues himself with his kin of men is ought to be normal."

Now, the Wanderer realised he was in the first sentence.

The master also told him:
"Don't dream or hope so much in getting a great Disciple or Brother. Things don't happen as easy as you can think. Most of your favourite Disciple or Brother falls under the third sentence because the first sentence always matches the third."

"What about the second sentence?" he asked his master.

"You'll get to that."

So, that meant Queue and Prey were both Sentence III.

The Wanderer sighed. It was time to let go everything he held dearest.

Cheats & Lies

You

Me

Everyone else on the road

Walking fast and chaotic

They

rush

We

walk

As you walk down the road

You see people pass by

some will cling on you

some will rub you by.

Toss the one who cling on you

Grab the one who rub you by.

Things are easier think

when your eyes start to wink

The ones who cling on you

Will take everything from you

without asking, without being shy

Because that's the reason they cling on you

The ones who rub you by

Respect your privacy and you

Without grabbing, without interrupt

Because that's the reason they rub by you

PS: Cheats and lies are the number 1 no-no in a relationship, that's why the prose resembles a KING in a chesspiece.

Wanderer (Episode 11)

One more turn of hourglass and the next day arrived. The Wanderer had just finished teaching his new disciples. They had left but, alas, none of them shared the same shadow as the Prey. He walked out from his house and went to the Lake of Sunsets and breathed the air.

He saw a man, sitting next to another friend, telling his friend great stories of how he ventured the Grey Palace and what did he do to be the Master of Studies. His friend talked with him and shared everything in awe and surprise. The Wanderer wondered what was their relationship.

His curiosity grew and he passed by purposely to eavesdrop. It wasn't long for him to catch the answer. The guy was his friend's senior. He arrived at the Grey Palace one year earlier than his friend, but it seemed like both of them shared good friendship rather than between a master and his student.

The Wanderer sank.

Nostalgic memories flooded his mind where his first Disciple and him shared an almost same kind of bond with each other, where both of them supported each other under the Inquisitor Board. But one slight mistake, one slight error in his spy network had caused him and his Dsiciple to collapse.

One false step...

Now, seeking pilgrimage in the Grey Palace, the Wanderer vowed not to make the same mistake again. Queue and Prey were both shadows of his past and nothing more. He would pay more attention on his pilgrimage.

No more Disciples. He told himself. Until needs arose. And he would find out who sent those magical letters to him.

He closed his eyes...

He opened again. He saw them.

The CODE

9,23,9,19,8,10,21,1,14,23,25,14,3,1,14,2,5,13,25,19,20,21,4,5,14,20,12,9,11,5,13,25,16,18,5,22,9,15,21,19,19,20,21,4,5,14,20,2,21,20,20,8,5,18,5,3,15,13,5,19,1,7,21,25,3,1,12,12,5,4,5,4,9,19,15,14,8,5,18,5,5,13,18,20,15,2,5,1,14,9,3,5,6,18,9,5,14,4

Wanderer (Interlude 2)

It was raining outside. The Wanderer once again gazed out from his window, thinking back what he had done since morning. He thought and thought, but nothing came, except the mere anxiety that caused him to work fast on his scripts. If he was not mistaken, the Grey Palace wanted three scripts to be done before next week or he would face danger.

He sighed in relieve. He didn't think of his Prey and other Muses today. It was a great day, except the rain.

The door knocked once again. It was the Priestess. 'Wanderer, the Guildmaster wanted to meet you and your fellow Muses by this weekend, please be noted,' she said and left, as her usual act.

The Wanderer sighed.

So he still had to contact his Prey, no matter how, no matter what day.

Wanderer (Episode 10)

What he feared most had come, even when Queue was one of them. His Prey was, sadly, indeed slipping away from his teaching and the last voice he ever heard was "I am gone. Don't look for me."

He trembled but it was expected in his vision. The Ascension was emerging, but from Queue's tone, it was still some road ahead to be taken. He took the Wanderer to meet the Prince and the Prince wanted the partnership between him and the Queue be stronger.

He and Queue exchanged glances and giggled.

Giggled? The Wanderer was surprised. It had been a long time since he had giggled. He stared at Queue and realised that, all those perceptions from the Knights and Knaves had been wrong. Queue was not a slave or any underling of the Nox, he was of one of the prime Ascension.

A letter flew in from the window and opened itself. It revealed that the Prey wasn't going anywhere yet and was in need to meet the Wanderer.

'What's it?' the Queue asked.

'Hmm? Nothing,' he replied. He didn't want the Queue to know about the Prey's intention. If not, the rise of the Ascension would be quicker and inevitable.

'Alright,' the Queue said, patting on his shoulder. 'Catch up with you later.'

The Wanderer sank deeper in his chair.

Who sent the magical letter?

Wanderer (Episode 9)

'Who are you?' the Wanderer asked the lady.

'I am the Priestess of the Guild. I am sent by your master's dream,' she said. 'Here is the message and listen clearly:

Miss someone by thinking will make you lost

Think someone by missing you make him lost'

Then the Priestess walked out and shut the door behind her. And at the same time a letter slipped out from her dress. The Wanderer wanted to call her back, but the letter magically slipped into his fingers and opened itself.

He read.

It was a letter that a Prince wanted to meet them. Wait. Them? He continued reading. He nearly smacked his forehead for that. He nearly forgot that he had a partner to join him in a journey to spread his pilgrimage. He was one of the Muses. His name was Queue. He didn't know why the name was like that, but it seemed like everyone in the Grey Palace got a hook with it.

There was a time for meeting with Queue and the Prince. And so he went.

Wanderer (Episode 8)

Strange but true, the Wanderer thought, someone had taken his script and placed it in the library. Fortunately nobody knew about it, if not havoc could be created.

Minor matter, nothing much, he thought. Until he remembered the message from the Prey. He picked it up from where he had placed it in the morning and read it. He folded the paper in two without thinking and kept it in the drawer.

He wasn't prepared for any kind of response. He wasn't even bothered to know. For him, the message was just like any ordinary story to read. Maybe it was a hoax, and it might as well not be. Anyway, he didn't care.

A letter flew by the window mysteriously. He went and picked it up. The letter magically unfolded itself and revealed the content of changing words. The Wanderer gasped again. It was the same letter he had accepted earlier in the morning, speaking of the Lux, Nox and the Ascension.

He compared the Prey's message and the new letter. He checked twice and read it again. There was a hint of similar words.

'Who wrote this?' he asked out loud.

The letter changed its words and revealed another news: New members of the Lux and Nox were getting closer to form the Ascension. The Wanderer could not stop wondering was it someone behind all these to persuade Muses to join the Ascension?

Was that because the Prey wrote that message?

How could the Wanderer find the truth when he was only a pilgrim in the Grey Palace? He couldn't get any permission to peer deeper into the depths. It was halted.

Or was it entirely two different incidents?

Whatever, the Wanderer thought. It was all out of his hands now. The Prey was loose. He let him go. It wasn't the best choice, but at least it was the best choice out of the watertight end. Or sticky end, some called it.

The door behind him creaked. He spun around.

A young girl of brown hair and fair skin entered his room with a warm smile.

'Hello, Wanderer, I believe we've met before,' she said, still smiling.

Wanderer (Episode 7)

It was almost two turns of hourglass since the sun rose and yet he was looking at his letters. The letters had arrived last night, towards the high-rise of the moon.

He saw a yellow piece of paper, slammed with a red wax of a musical note. He sighed. It was from his Prey. He put it aside. He didn't want to read it. It wasn't time to hear some voices now. He wanted his mind to be clear and quiet.

He replaced his candle to a fresh one. Last night he forgot to blow it off and now the wax was all over the table. Then he saw a piece of paper, saying "Affiliation". Curiously, he tore open the letter and read it.

At first he thought it was a love letter or something more inspiring than that. But when he read it all, it was a letter telling him to choose sides. He shivered. He wondered if it was the 'Dark Lord' his master once told him about during his pilgrimage.

The words twisted and changed. The letter told him that he belonged to the 'Lux' side while the other would always remain in the 'Nox' side. He continued reading the ever-changing script. He discovered his Prey was somewhere between the Lux and Nox, but a little more shifting to a third group.

The letter mentioned this third group as the Ascension, which stood neither for the Lux, nor Nox.

He read on.

Two more people, including one of his almost-Disciple and his friend were being trapped in between these two great forces. They too, intended to join the Ascension, although the group wasn't formed yet.

The Wanderer shivered once more. Someone was applying pressure on a butterfly wings to cast a storm here, he realised. Someone nudged their hearts a little till they retreated from the tug-of-war between the Lux and Nox. At first these people were scattered, now they wanted to unite, to form a future group subconsciously.

Ascension.

It was a threatening name for both Lux and Nox.

The letter glowed brightly and burnt soon afterwards.

The Wanderer fell and sat on his bed. Was this his intended pilgrimage? A somewhat 'religious' war between people of the Grey Palace? Would he leave the Guild just to leave Lux alone? But Nox and Ascension would take away every light he had lit upon.

He buried his head in his hands, praying that his Prey would understand how much it would cost to him if his Prey created the Ascension, as prophecised earlier that his Prey would be the Founding Father of Ascension...

'Prey, come back...' he sighed silently.

Wanderer (Episode 6)

The Wanderer woke up when the sun rose. He nearly forgot he had a training lesson at the Grey Palace. His carriage awaited and he quickly rode to the palace.

"Effective Leader", that was the topic. He went there and sat with his kin, none of which were the Muses or the Guildmaster. The old Guru was good, he told himself.

The Wanderer was shy at first, especially being given a group of 5 ladies and no lords, except he was the only lord there. Fortunately, he befriended them as soon as the training starts. They were fun and active. They never bored him.

Throughout the training, he realised one thing that made him think about his Prey for so long. He was unable to lift himself up from the past and move to the future. Maybe that would break the Cycle*. He knew that as great leaders, he needed to learn how to love and care his Disciples, although his Prey wasn't really his Disciple.

He nodded each session and continued to realise his own potential.

He knew one thing: respect. He realised he had invaded many people's privacy and now he had to stop. He would respect them, regardless they were his friend or foe. They are humans. They had esteem, they needed to be respect.

And so, he would let go of his Prey.

His master told him:

"No one likes to be gripped upon.
Even the tree dies if you hug it tight.
Love is not shown in action or words
Love is how you respect and care
without touching and saying."


The Cycle refers to a condition I am being, that is, every 2 or 3 years, one male friend is destined to leave me. The Cycle started since I was in Primary 6. The recent one ended in about last year

Memory of Trees

Wanderer (Interlude 1)

The sun had set at the Lake of Sunsets. The Wanderer gazed out from his window and saw people were hurrying to have their dinners. He sat and pulled out a piece of parchment. He reached for a quill, dipped it in the blackest ink he could find and he wrote:

Look at love, you may dream

If it should leave, then give it wings

But if such a love is meant to be,

Hope is home and the heart is free

Wanderer (Episode 5)

The Wanderer was given a task to study the logics between the prediction and vision. He had sit in his room for more than four turns of hourglass and yet his mind still lingered on the fact of his Prey.

Playful, he wrote in his diaries, but definitely smart. He paused. He thought about the time he had with his Muses yesterday. He put back his quill in his inkbox and tore the parchment. He shook his head, telling himself his Prey had his own life, no need to think more about it.

He remembered he had a similar disciple when he was nearing his twenties. The Disciple was almost the same kind like his Prey. His Disciple loved to talk about girls and sweet-talk them, but never ever had a good conversation with boys.

The result of his Disciple? He lost contact with him for a very long time because of some misunderstanding.

He shook his head again, clearing his mind.

He thought of his pilgrimage here in the Grey Palace near the Lake of the Sunsets. He remembered every maiden and lord's attitude. It seemed like almost everyone in the palace was talking about opposite gender the most.

Perhaps his inner God wanted him to correct this mistake. Perhaps his inner God wanted him to adapt. Perhaps his inner God wanted him to investigate. It could be loads of messages, but he was tired to find out.

His heart was sacred, that's what he believed.

If his Prey wanted to be like that, it's because his Prey believed his own heart, not the Wanderer's. So, he, the Wanderer couldn't change his Prey's heart easily.

Let him be, he told himself.

He remembered what his master told him again:

"Losing a friend is not like losing a lover,

some people can find another lover fast

but many cannot make it last.

Lose a friend and you have to find another

of trust and care

or secrets to share

Lose a lover and you have to find another

to love and bear

the pain and still be there.

Choose wisely of your road taken."

The Wanderer smiled again. There were two roads ahead of him, one which was the road of diamond, another was the road that leads to the Prey.

He knew his choice.

Disclaimer: The word 'God' the text does not mean God in any sense. It is a metaphor, meaning a self-conscious. Hope to clarify this. Peace! Thanks for stalking my personal life too!

Wanderer (Episode 4)

'Pardon me, is there anyone in there?' a familiar voice called from outside, followed by a creaking sound of a carriage.

It was nightfall, and the Wanderer was preparing to welcome the Muses, although the Muse of Strings had arrived. When he reached for the door, he saw another gentlemen and it was one of the Knights of the Grey Palace. He was holding two scrolls.

'Greetings, happy anniversary of your birth,' the Knight said. 'Here, I've taken your books for a very long time. It's time to return to its master.' He reached out the books.

The Wanderer saw the cover of the book. Indeed, it was his book. In fact, a very favourite one.

'Thank you!' the Wanderer said.

'Here's another,' the Knight smiled. He revealed the second book. It had a white cover and a black base, rimmed by old-fashioned spine. He flipped through the pages quickly...

The Wanderer was shocked and surprised. It was the Scroll of the Million Words by one of the famous Muses in the world by the name of Aenia. The Scroll was a prized possession by most Muses.

...

...

The Muses did not really play him a song, but instead, they became happier as compared with the previous days. It was like a gathering of the Muses to share the laughter and talk. It was a good night for the Wanderer to spend.

He looked at everyone's eyes: The Muse of Strings, The Muse of Plucked Strings and the Muse of Pad. He came to a realisation where his Master had told him before:

'On your pilgrimage,

your old friends are always gold,

your new friends are dews.

Old friends get the value

while new friends tend to be sold.

Try to understand

and change your new friends into old,

as dew into gold.'

He smiled.

It was a sign of a golden day shining from the Grey Palace.

Wanderer (Episode 3)

The Wanderer looked out from his window, look at the grey sorrow sky. He thought back how the Guildmaster told him to take good care of the Prey. In his hands, he clasped a piece of white paper with some peppermint scent. It was a letter to the Guildmaster that he would leave the Guild and continued to search for his true light in the Grey Palace.

He hesitated. He promised the Guildmaster to look after the Prey but the Prey was too quick, vulnerable and playful, like a naughty imp. He remembered he had a son, not of blood relation, and he took care of him for four years before his son turned against him.

He wondered, was he right to accept the promise?

The rain suddenly increased its intensity, blurring his vision.

In a few more moments, his Muses will entertain him for his Day of Birth. It would be his first time having a celebration in the Lake of Sunsets. He wasn't expecting anything, he was expecting his late master would guide him.

He sat in the corner, crying softly. He felt so heavy. He needed a lift. Maybe a word of care, a shoulder to lean on, an ear to cry for. But no, he didn't have any of those. He only had his own heart to take everything he didn't wish for.

He gripped the letter tightly.

He determined one thing: he will care for the Prey, but not like his son before. He will just be there if possible, if not, away.

The Wanderer sat and sat...

Wanderer (Episode 2)

It was far by unthinkable that the training from the Grey Palace ended early. The Wanderer knew by heart that the after it would be his Day of Birth. He knew that somewhere, someone was planning a celebration.

The Wanderer wasn't expecting anything. He never had surprises before. He made himself surprises every year till there weren't any surprises left. In fact, he saw a vision, a terrible one as his Day of Birth present.

It was a vision of fear and sadness. He saw himself ruining the Prey's life. The Guiders of the Five were collapsing. He thought about running away from the Guild of Guiders, seeking for another sanctuary. But he thought of his long-targeted Prey.

He wanted to do something on his Prey. His Prey kept running around and paid no attention, less to say heed any advice from him. For the Wanderer, the Prey was like his son, his brother. He saw something in the Prey's eyes that nobody had.

He wiped his tears away.

There, a celebration waiting in the Garden of the Lake of Sunsets. He saw the food, the people, all from the Guiders of Five and some from the Guild of Guiders. Under the bright full moonlight, tinted by hints of red and yellow flying lanterns, the Wanderer saw a vision in the stars.

He saw his Prey's excellence. At the same time, he saw his own downfall. He didn't get the vision. Was it supposed he run away while his Prey ascend?

He saw his Prey lying on the saddle of his horseback. He wanted to say something, something that might have shine some light over his Prey's thoughts. He wanted to say: "I like to have you as my...'

'Hey Wanderer, come here!' his Guildmaster called him.

Before he knew it, his Prey got up from his saddle and rode back to his mansion, saying he would like to read up some scrolls and had a shut of eyes for tomorrow.

The Gods told him in his vision dream:

'Your Prey is the one who shatters millions of hearts

and sweetens millions of flowers.

You can and must never say what you wish him to be.

He will never understand your sacrifice from your pilgrimage.

Unless you are a woman, then he will.

Remember,

he is just a shadow of your best pilgrim you had before

but nothing more.'

I was sad. Really, especially on my birthday eve. I had so many troubles and yet I cannot identify them. I know I need a shoulder, but ever since last Thursday, things are much clearer to me that I am best at my own when others are minding their own business.

Wanderer (Episode 1)

Another metaphoric story of mine...

A wanderer whose name is his own name came into the Valley of the Mountains and the Lake of the Sunset. The view of the grey palace once attracted his attention to seek pilgramage or even refuge there.

Because of his quiet and serious character, the Knights and Knaves of the Palace seemed to be disturbed by his presence.

Some claimed he has the power to make music into moving pictures. Some said his power of words can change the hearts of the dragons, even tamed them.

But he was quiet. He was like a drain rat, scampering every corner but never leaves a mark.

Twenty-four moons later, he was now a Guider. He had his teachings. He had his disciples. But none of which he desired upon. His ultimate pilgrimage aim was to find someone whom he could lay trust on, teach continuously and guide that someone to be able to touch the consellations.

He failed.

He told himself, 'even great hawks lose their prey'

Three Cycles of the Moon, another pilgrim sought refuge in the Grey Palace. Unthinkable, unable and unexpected, the pilgrim became another Guider of the Fives.

He told himself, 'the prey is locked.'


The Wanderer story is based loosely on my real life in UTAR. Some of it is fiction, some of it is not. Make your own discretion. Check out what happens to the pilgrim whose name is his name.

Feeling Sorry

I am way too rush. I never thought of the consequences. Now I leave a person guilty and questioning all over the acts.

I made someone guilty and I am feeling bad about it. Who doesn't? I don't wish to see that person turns from a cheerful and playful one to a solemn and timid person. I want to see that person's soul come back.

I miss that person's old character.

I am sorry.

I never consulted you before I nearly insulted you. I never mean to do that. What you told me. How you turn back. How you lay your trust on me. I didn't wait for you to explain and I lay down my verdict.

I am sorry.

I screwed up. It's not that person. It's not you. It's me. All the while I was TTM-ing. You are right. We just have to run our lives as usual. No more complication. No more politicking.

I am sorry.

I wish I can turn back the clock and keep what I've said. 'A moment lost can never be again', but I sincerely wish that this will not happen. You mean to much for us, and we are treasuring you.

I wish you can read this. No matter how weird it sounds.


Cheers,
Your trustee

Ego (6 sentence story)

egoshadow

1. I was ego (said by Mr Q) and now I finally eat that.
2. I thought I was smart, then I finally found how stupid was I to do irrational things
3. It all comes back to the Circle which I was meant to break it before it's too late
4. The Circle is a situation where my life repeats itself every 2 or 3 years.
5. Co-incidence? I don't know.
6. But please, my words are of honesty.

Alone & Clear

The rain has cleared. I walked to the lakeside and took a look. I was amazed. No, I wasn't amazed by the beauty of the lake, I was amazed by the fact that I haven't seen such a beautiful lake since my Foundation time.

I realised. My time was occupied by unnecessary things. Unnecessary fights. Imaginery and unnecessary fights.

I am really TTM. Thinking too much. I always think I am a 'Lightbringer', capable of bringing some fame over my part. Then, I was wrong. The road ahead to be that, was inevitably long. It was as far out as my eyes could see.

No, I am not giving up. I am letting go. It's time to be quiet, passive ever. No wonder the Malay proverb Diam-diam ubi berisi. Quite true. People who are quiet can see things better, observe things better.

I should learn from them.

Ahh, the clear lake. Resembling my heart and mind now, clear from troubles, fights, dirty tactics, relationship problems. I will stay clean and clear, not corrupted and polluted.

Yeah, me.

[PS: I will not contact the outside world that often anymore. Need to be quiet... Blogging is fun now]

Hatred | Disappointment | Victory

OK, fine, you WIN, R!

After a long-life hidden war, I decided to give up. I have weighted my options. Either academic or co-curricular. I choose academic. Notice the present tense I am using in that sentence.

I don't want to fight anymore. It's pointless when I am standing on my own against your crowd. A chopstick to stop a running beast? Better keep that chopstick and retreat. I am not going to fool myself anymore.

Go ahead. Grin. Laugh all you want. I don't fucking care. I am used to loses that I feel them everywhere I go. Just leave it and smile away at your victorious battle.

I LOSE.

Putting in so much effort on something and you just come in and disturb. You are just like a tornado in my study room, blowing all my books away and leave with a laughter and howl.

You don't realise how much I invested in my fucking soul and time to help my friends. You don't realise how much I have to bear when I am being attacked by nonsensical assaults. You don't know how it feels like to walk on broken legs while trying to keep your friends standing.

You just fucking don't care.

I love my friends. I raise them as my brothers and sisters. I help them like my own sons and daughters. What you just did, is usurping them away from me, you son-of-a-bitch.

Maybe I trusted the wrong guys. Maybe I shouldn't accept it straightaway that time the offer was given. I should have rejected it.

1 year of effort is enough. I guess my 'heroic' episodes are over. It's your turn to shine. Shine all you can, I don't care. Don't look at me. Don't call me. Don't ever chat with me. I am not going to entertain you, since you are not that entertaining.

Maybe I can go back to my previous life where I can have all the fun with Siewcheng, Tanning, JiXuan, Puay Cian they all. It's more fun when I can play and joke, without these idiotic people come and attack you and stab you.

I am tired.

I am disappointed.

You win. Go and celebrate. Go BBQ with your cronies... your underlings... your slave...

Thinking of preparing my friends to stand up one day is making me sick. Since what I tell them is becoming your counter-attack.

Go eff them la. I don't want them already. I let them be independent.

I don't want to see, smell, touch, taste or whatever sense I used on this anymore.

ACADEMIC. MY PRIORITY

Piano

My teacher once said, "Piano has two-colour keys: black and white. If your key is more towards black keys, your songs are magical and mysterious."

For me, I love black-key sentimental songs, like those Pastel Reflections by Kevin Kern. But white keys serve me well as well, like Through the Arbor by Kevin Kern.



People ask me, why I love piano so much.



Simple. You can never get bored with piano, especially you have more than a billion permutations of keys available, since you have 88 keys on it.



I had a wish, and I hope someone can help me fulfil because I have no financial surplus to deal with it, that is: I wish for a blue piano. Not those kind of navy blue, but something resembling a sky blue or copper (II) sulphate blue (sorry for my science fever kicking in again).



Like this one:

Solving Problems

Well, there is a Chinese saying: "Crack the claypot and ask to the depths", or in other words, ask something you wish to know till you reach a satisfactory answer.

It's a good thing, no doubt. I am not that kind of person. I am a little bit on the pessimistic side. But I am not cynical to that point. I push someone if I wish to get an answer and then throw up a zillion problems to that person, hoping he/she will answer all.

That's why I became an event manager quite a few times. That's what people wants: a wholesome picture of all the possible limitations, problems, disadvantages and also advantages, budget cuts and publicity. These can be achieved by keep asking those stupid and very serious question.

Psst: it usually starts with 'What If?'

But there are some problems which cannot, STRICTLY, probe too deep. Or you are getting shit out of it. Sorry for the harsh word, but I can't find any more suitable words to replace it. Dung, perhaps? Or 'faeces'? Or even more technical term - "organic detritus excretion"?

Sorry for ketam-ing.

Take for an example, solving a relationship crisis. Your boyfriend leaves you and you are determined to find out why. So you begin to stalk his daily activities, stalk his Facebook, check his e-mail and blog, ask his friend about his stuff, ask your friend about his being... bla bla bla...

That doesn't work.

If the relationship is over, then you should get over it. It sounds bad. But it is. Once a relationship is over, it means that either party is really determined that the story requires a well-rounded fullstop (duh! try draw a half fullstop!). You can no longer carry on your story with him, except by having a new story where he is no longer in the limelight.

In other words, you start a new paragraph, or maybe a chapter. (But, seriously, don't end the story [suicide... XD])

In this case, it's like you are a geologist (here comes my magnificent analogy of sociology against science), and you discover a crack at a mountain top. The crack is snaking down, nearing to the base. You want to find out what causes it, and so you pick up a hoe, or spade, or whatever thing, and you start to dig deeper to see where the crack ends, so that you can know how much to fill up the crack.

And so you dig dig diggedy dig... down you go...

HEY, wake up!

What happens if you continue to dig? It's not that you will never find the real limit (because you just keep digging), you in fact are trying to pull two rocks apart! And what does that cost you? Time!

OK, you stop after realising it is a waste of time, you lift up your chin and see the hole you have dug. And you are like "OMG, how am I going to get out? How am I going to fill up this crack as I've intended to?"

Now, that's probing too deep will get you shit.


Some problems are not to be solved, but to be a fine lesson to all of us. Striking our bells of wisdom whether we can change our way before we get too deep.

It's time to move on, friend!

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, there lived a boy who had a simple life. He liked to play piano very much, composing each day if the feeling and inspiration just right. He thought, by having fun with himself could seal him off from the hectic life of the universe, just like persuading a gravitational bubble around him, or even a twisted space-time fabric around him like a cocoon.

But he was wrong.

Someone did knock on the door. He usually kept it locked but this time, out of mere curiosity, he unlocked it. That was the first mistake he did. That someone entered his house, saw how old the furniture was, how crisp the old books were and how stale the air smelt.

The moment the door was opened, fresh air and scent blew his mind away. That someone suddenly talked about things he couldn't understand. Not because that someone was using an unspoken or unheard of language, but it was a shock that this someone talked like as if both of them knew each other for a long time.

He stood there and kept nodding at every sentence that someone threw up.

Then, that someone left.

'I'll catch up with ya later.'

He looked back at his room. His belongings were still there, but it was shifted. The old book was moved to the piano, piano moved closer to his old grandfather's guitar...

Wait.

Guitar?

He thought he had lost it decades ago. Where did that pop into his house? Most importantly, when? Did that someone bring the guitar along? Or was it a miracle or blessing of that someone gave?

He dropped on his dusty sofa, and sunk into his deep thoughts.

*

Exactly a month later, another person came knocking the door. This time he was cautious. He was confused whether to let the stranger enter. He might make a mistake last time (though the word 'might' was strongly emphasised here). So this time, he peered at the stranger's face.

Not bad, he thought. At least the stranger didn't look so threatening.

He unhooked the door and opened slowly

The stranger walked in. The stranger didn't say anything for a moment. The stranger gazed around his dusty house. The stranger walked to the piano and waved to him.

'Come, join me for a duet,' the stranger smiled

And hesitately, he joined.

After a series of laughter and fun, the stranger left with the door opened.

'Nice to have you here,' the stranger said, bowed and left.

He turned back to his house and saw everything was tidied properly and cleaned. Was that another trick? He didn't know. He was simply amazed.

He went to his drawer, took out a box. He opened it and re-read the message given by someone he had lost a long time ago.

'Find yourself a better friend,' it read.

The problem was: Which one?




Certain words above are metaphors, or contain hidden meaning. Decipher it properly and you will know what true story I am having. Hint: UTAR

Silence Fills My Soul

In the night, under the tree
Where those sparkling stars we could see
You told me
'What a great friend you are to me.'

We rested at the meadow
Counting stars to tick off our sorrow
'Tomorrow
is a day where I have to go.'

I didn't understand
All those days we spent
till the glass bent
You never told me about this then.

One morning I went to your place
Your mum said you are at a pace
So quickly till I couldn't chase
And she said you gave me case.

I stood under the same tree
and opened the case you sent to me
There's a gift more than any
That shatters my heart in me

You're gone
I am done
I am alone
even when ths sun shone.

Silence fills my soul
when the feeling inside goes low
I touch the case you gave
Hoping it can ease my grave
but it fails
like a wind out of the sails

I am too good to be a friend
till I can't accept when things come to an end

Should I always be forgiving
when knowing that you are always taking
while I am always giving?

Silence

3 Is Not A Good Number

It happened again. I wanted to go to lakeside and yell out my name and what I wished for.

You know how it feels like when you are waiting... waiting... waiting... and when you almost got it, it just slipped out of your hands?

I thought I got S, but that... that.... FELLOW comes in and pulls us out of the way while that FELLOW joins S. WTF!

Can I not know someone if I knew someone is not that someone I used to wish for?

I know it sounds confusing. But hey, 3 is never a good number in a relationship. I guess I have to either let go of S, or let go of that FELLOW.

Damn... I really need to shout out right now.

DISAPPOINTED

Dead Man Tell No Tales

Dead man tell no tales, err, Bad boy pull all girls?

There's this 'famous' Chinese proverb, saying 'Boys who are naughty gets the love of a girl'. Well, how much of it is fact? How much is it a fiction?

I was determined to find out.

Some said yes, some said no. Disappointingly so, (and also quite expected).

Today, I thought I can see you in campus, but, nah, you weren't there, heart sunken down like the Titanic. I thought if I can stay longer in campus, I can... Never mind, TTM-ing.

Then, I heard one more heart-breaking gossip from your friend, saying 'Bad boys pull all girls', something like that. I was stupefied. Am I bad? Am I good? I shook my head, trying to clear all my doubts.

Then, I saw you.

I don't know where to look. If I stared at you, you might think I have feelings over you, if I don't stare at you, you still think that I have feelings over you, because my 'avoidance' tactic is too visible.

Argh.

Play KEYBOARD!!! DOn't care already!!!!

You

Sleepless nights of exactly three weeks.

What has gone into me that makes you never gone in my heart? Maybe I shouldn't stroll too early near that house, or else I wouldn't even see you walking pass.

You know what makes me feel terrible? It's the feeling of wanting to know someone but that someone keeps shifting in and out of my vision, making me difficult to approach.

Once, you talked to me. I was like 'OMG'. The voice. The eyes. The humour. The personality.

You.

Then you said 'Goodnight' before I had a chance to ask you more. You turned away, stepping further and further away. The clear footsteps of yours, were like hammers on my heart... *stomp stomp stomp*...

I don't know what feeling is that. It's not sad, not worry, not happy, not excited. Just my heart beats deeper.

Before Chinese New Year, I was already holding a card, wishing to pass it to you. But you were already gone. I heard your friends said that you are out for a few days before returning here. I thought I can wait for you, but I have to go back to my own house.

I failed.

And the card is still here.

I hope we can meet somemore. It's a once-in-a-lifetime feeling that I have never experienced before.

What are YOU?

Cosmos, or the universe, is so vast. But which are you? You are a dot out of 6 billion dots in the whole world. See which fits you:

PLANET: You do things repetitively to ensure your survival and life. Just like a planet, whirling on its orbit, never do anything but keeping its rock/gas well within its own volume.

STAR: You are just to narcissist. You like people to look at you, admire you, or maybe you like to make people look at you or admire you. Simply...

SUPERNOVA: You love to shine on others. You do things quick and bright and leave a huge impact on people life, be it good or bad. You just love that.

BLACKHOLE: You are seriously obsessive. You are a controllist. You take everything to your side and claim it your possession. You argue over benefits...

NEUTRON STAR: You can attract people, but by the same token, you refuse to let out your petty secrets. Anyone found hurling criticism to your face will be rewarded with your verbal or action response.

@.@

Just for ketam-ing:

Arguments of the monetary difference (as in asset account) between Economics, Accountancy and Finance.

Economics: Either both debit and credit side must equal, or debit side must increase to the max (they just love equilibriums, don't they?)
Accountancy: No matter how, both sides MUST equal. NO questions asked. If unequal, you are a bad accountant.
Finance: Make it credit! Make it credit! No risk no return! Gotta take that risk to earn more profit!!!

Arguments of the urinary process occur in organism between Biology, Chemistry and Physics.

Biology: As the toxic waste increases, osmosis is required to bring out the impurities. It keeps us alive. That's bio!
Chemistry: It's nothing bio. The chemical process of how a protein transforming into urea is nothing biological. It's chemical. Without atomic bonding and breaking, these wouldn't have happened. Chemis ROCKS~
Physics: Shut up. You're wrong. There is an energy transfer from a higher gradient to a lower gradient. In order to preserve the energy flow and not wasted, extra energy consumers must be expelled through kinetic energy and gravitational energy. Or else why our urinary duct is downward flowing?

Arguments of the music instrument practicality between Piano, Violin and Guitar

Violin: Hah, guitar can't use bow to play double-stopping!
Guitar: I can strum chords simultaneously. You can?
Piano: Pooh bah, I can play ten notes minimum as a chord!

Hey, no hard feelings mates!

Distorted Love

I listened to RedFM one day and the DJ kept saying 'I love you' to anyone calling over, regardless of gender.

It makes me wonder...

Once, I said 'I love you to be my friend...'
My friend giggled and said 'Yeah, me too...'

Then, now I said 'I like to have you as my friend'
My friend widened his eyes and said 'What, are you gay?'

Now, I said '...'
My friend replied '=.='

It seems like the vocabulary of English has been severly abused and biased.

LOVE does not mean ROMANCE

It simply tells us the feeling we feel great and comfortable with someone. OK, fine, you don't wanna use LOVE, so use LIKE instead.

But LIKE conveys a meaning of LOVE.

Equation 1: LOVE = ROMANCE
Equation 2: LIKE = LOVE

Thus: LIKE = ROMANCE

So, here's a case:

I like durian.

Does that mean I am having a ROMANCE with durian?

=.=!!!

Pillow Words

Alright, it's late. Hence, the title. As usual, I am going to whine and kick at this blog.

I stood by the cliff with silent winds and distant waves under the deep blue night.
The sound of the strings plucked by you sent tremors in my heart.
I shuddered...


I remembered seeing a girl with a school dress standing by a ditch. She held a tupperware in one hand and a bread in another hand. She was nibbling her bread cautiously, as if one wrong bite might crush the bread into dust.

Then, pitter patter, a boy ran passed her. As he stomped his feet when he ran, he splashed a considerable amount of muddy water onto the girl's clean dress. The girl didn't yell or scream. She stared down at her diry dress and patiently finished her bread.

Then, she walked to a room to ask for extra dress.

This scene repeated many times almost everyday. Her dress was dirtied every day and she still stood at that site, nibbling on her bread.

No, there was nothing psychotic about her. She told me:

'People makes mistakes by creating fun out of it, some create fun by making mistakes. If I walk away from there, I can't see the boy having fun looking at my dress. And I can't feel how tough life is without making yourself feel tough.'


Pillow words from me: Don't get too close.
Detail words? Wait for the next entry

Twist

Y'know, I feel like I want to find a hole and bury myself in it.

Chinese New Year, I thought I can be more focus. Akhirnya, I failed. I don't know why I started to care sooooo much about my friends. All because of that Mrs Temitayo, made me 'dreamt' about Mr Q.

OK, seriously no misunderstanding here.

Call me a psychotic prophet, what I dreamt is never good. Yes, my dreams do come true, but often with a twisted, sticky end. Deja vu is never my expertise.

Here, let me warned you something hidden in me:

When I dreamt about YOU, it means that both of us never meant to be friends at all. Even we can be the bestest of the best, it just last very short and bright, like a supernova. So, at first I thought that separation in the next few months might be a good thing for everyone.

But... A big big BUT...

No, it didn't happen the same way I've thought.

There isn't any separation. There is a close call of - what you say, er, fate? - destiny. Stop saying the follow to me:

I look like him.
I behave like him.
I am cheeky like him.

Correction here ladies and gentlemen, I am WHO I AM. I don't resemble him in MANY ways. Doesn't mean we know each other, we have to be LIKE each other.


My first war with a guy is at Form 5
My 2nd war is also at late Form 5
My 3rd war is at 2009.
My 4th war is at 2010.

I don't want to have a 5th war. Maybe Weiwei was right after all. Maybe Alan was right. I shouldn't indulge myself in treating my friends well till I met someone who treat me the way like I do.


Weiwei, you know who am I talking right?

Single

Solo. Single. All are similar words.

Wasted too much time on nothing.

I don't know whether it is a fate or coincidence that almost every male friend I have been closed with had a problem with their father's side, or at least, something special that made their dad not with mum, in either divorce, angered, deceased or out to work.

==

time to let go everything


After all these, time to move on Mr Q. Remember, I never make a dent in your life. Don't go over and do something that I shouldn't receive, even though it is a simple thanks.

Byebye

Wisdom of the Sea

People started calling me the New Age Philosopher and I am 'sick' of it. Come on, I just give mere advices and encouragement. That shouldn't make me something like Confucius Reincarnated (sounds like a video game title).

Actually, I sometimes think where I got my advices and mountain-high philosophies. Blah. But I know when it started. It was during Primary 5. I know it sounds crazy but when I was Primary 5, my nickname was 'Mr Cool' for being expressionless, cold and hard like cryo-metal. Then, I went to Penang with my family.

Guess what, I went to Batu Ferringhi. I didn't talk much (duh, Mr Cool) and I went looking for a large boulder located at the shallow sea. The sea was knee-high and I walked carefully to the boulder and sat on it, all alone.

The feeling was bad, I tell you. EMO. You feel alone, but when people come and care for you, your heart splits into two: GO AWAY and I WISH YOU CAN TALK TO ME NOW. Paradox. Yup. I know.

I observed how the waves waving and how the sky merges with the sea. I listened the whispers of the wind. Then like a spark plug being ignited, my mind became crystal clear, like a whiteboard being scrubbed clean.

I love the sea more often than ever. (That should explain the blog in blue with sea names)

Why can't we be the sea?

The waves are churning, just like our emotions shifting; but below the sea, it is serene and calm, teeming with life. There is an old saying: there is despair in life, but there is also life in despair. Why EMO about things you have lost while you have almost everything by your side?

Look at the sea, it is just water and bubbles, but how many treasures it holds? From the massive Titanic to the smallest invertebrates like sea-angel and smallest chordates like the tunicles. It fits everything and never roars. Can we be as content as the cucumber when the world is in mess? Try. Beauty is only skin deep. You keep your best in your hearts, don't show off.

Tsunami occurs. That's sad. But who doesn't get pissed off? Have you ever heard sea-life being devastated when tsunami occurs? That's what we should learn. You get pissed off but don't you ever harm your goodness in your heart. Although tsunami wrecks the land, it still occurs like in a blue moon. So, what's your BEST reason for getting anger and show them your pissed of face?

Anger is caused by your heart being tiny for not able to contain a prick of sand.
Sadness is caused by your heart unable to capture the fallen stars.

Why put these two emotions in your heart always while you can have Happiness, Excitement, Satisfaction and among all thousands of positive feelings?

Listen. Just listen. I am willing to help you all to get up but one thing I cannot stand is you don't give yourself a push. Honestly speaking, when I make a friend, I don't like him or her to be sad. I will do whatever I can to put a smile on their faces.

For guys, they think I am gay as I am being thorough to cheer them up.
For girls, they think I am great because to them, many guys failed to cheer girls except on material needs.

I am not being Adonis. I lost 6 times of best-friend relationship with guys because of their egotism. On the other hand, I never lost any best-friend relationship with girls. I don't know why seriously. And I hope (that's my wish since Form 1) that some guys can treat me well enough. ><

Enough blabbering. Chinese New Year is here, I am not here to pressure anyone.


Have fun!

As Long As the Candle Stays

You stand on the crossroad. You don't know where to go. You asked people and they tell you the same thing: "Where I go, you go."

Ever heard of the poem "The Road Not Taken"? It's both a good and bad thing. It's what we called 'Life'. Life is interesting when there are choices to be made. If you don't, what life are you having besides the life of others?

Ahead, you must not be quivering over the words by your kin. Think. Think hard. If it comes to your expertise, your profession and you think you can perform well at the end of the road, then take it without doubt. Don't ever hesitate. Did you know a moment of hesitation will cause you a lifetime of regret?

I was once a Science student, bravely announcing to public that I am taking 'Marine Bio' as my field of study, after I discarded the idea of being an Astrophysicist. Teachers congratulated me, friends pressured me. I love the sea. I am an Aquarian, who cares?

My doctor even told me that I have to learn intensive scuba-diving and submarine engineering, but I still stood still over my choice. For me, the candle ahead of me is shining brightly like a star and I was determined to go straight.

But now, a Banking and Finance student. Who pressured me? Nobody did. It was a gradual and yet abrupt transition (paradox...). I took Biotech after I failed to receive 8 scholarships (till now I don't understand why those 8 failed), then I switched to Biochem, then Biomed, then Chemical Engineering, then Computer Science (thinking of inventing Quantum Computers), to Journalism, Accountancy and finally, Banking and Finance.

I changed it because I see something else. I am versatile enough to learn any course, but the world isn't versatile enough to contain my wild heart. I can only choose one, or two if possible. Then I began to research on the market.

Financers are all around me. Without finance knowledge, you don't even know when your bank is cheating on you. Well, that's not the point. The point is, I see my candle light dimmed and sometimes even obstructed by an unknown force.

Then I realised. In my home country, you can take Science field, but you have to be superbly PRO and work in Multi-National Company to move faster, or else, you will be trapped in 3 major fields: Fishery, Forestry (Palm oil) and Mineral (Petroleum).

I don't want those three.

So I make a tough choice, that made my mum cried because she worried I cannot cope it in the future as I was so 'science-based' till I do my own experiment and research at home, even argued a point in Wikipedia. And of course, she once told me to take business. She thought she was forcing me to take Business.

Nah, it wasn't. And she said, study well, no course offered in the university is wasted. Or else there won't be that course after all.

And so, here I am, a Banking and Finance student, finding new fun and horizon in my future. Ahead, I saw my candlelight again.

Then I realised something awful.


The candle never changed. It won't changed for a person. It stays there. It's just a matter of changing perspective. No matter how, you still reach for the candle. Don't blow it. Don't question it. Your friends might threaten to take it away, or force you to see it at the other perspective. Not good. You have to see it for yourself.

As long as the candle stays, your choices remain open, that's what I can say. Both choices are equally good. My friend said my science was good. But it wasn't that good after I realised I have talked so much about science that - psychologically - my friends thought I was 'science-minded'.

Try talk 2 different topics or choices at once at equal length, equal depth, equal width. You will be surprised your friend would say:

'Go and choose one and say la. I am confused to hear two topics alternating every day!'

Now, for that statement, what choice you choose?

So, the choice is yours. The candle is yours. How you burn it, how you shine it, how you look it, depends on you. Nobody can help that.



[PS: currently too many people asking for my advice. My lame advice can be above. If not, sorry for wasting your time over here. Let you punch next time I see you.]