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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Potato Party! V

It's been a while...



I am struggling to type this blog post because of yesterday. My arms are in great ache due to a stupid stunt I pulled in my room. I am NOT going to do that again soon. Dammit.



OK, now we are going to talk about our next recipe: Potato Salad



I call it a desert =D



Peel and cube your potatoes and bring them to a boil. Take them out when they are soft and drain them on a clean, dry cloth, or just tissue paper.



Then leave it to cool.



Blend mayonnaise and yoghurt (you can add flavoured yoghurt, or just natural yoghurt will do). You don't need a blender to do that, duh! Just stir around and you have it.



Then, pour in the mixture, plus spring onions (or chives) or oregano onto the potatoes. Mix them well and chill it before serving.


Now, listen, just LISTEN, there is another odd step which you can take if you want:


You can add some fruits in your potatoes, like orange, grapes or strawberries. Those are juicy fruits that burst in your mouth when you eat with the potatoes. Try and add them. But be warned that you must know what you want to eat!

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Fizan

Dear Fizan aka Ha Fei Zhan:

This is the 2nd post I write about you...

I miss you a lot.

I remember the thing you did that made me wanna cry is when you stood in front of the class and puji me as your best buddy and will never forget me. I am so terharu. I wanna cry.

I miss you a lot

I can't forget the days I took care of your fever. Hehe, and made you a list of 'what to do' and 'what not to do'. Even though we are from different skuadron. I remember when Fahmi told me when you had a fall in your dorm, I was so panicked. I quickly find the cream in my bag and gave it to you for free.

I hope you are alright.

I remembered you called me when it is my birthday. I was so happy till I dunno what to say. I was surprised! I missed your voice. I hope I can hear it again during my next birthday!

FeiZ & MZ

This is what you wrote in my book, remember? You wished I can play piano for you. Do you know, there is a song that I never played for anyone else? I will only play it once I play for you to listen.

I am waiting for that day.

Lagu piano tu janji saya bahawa saya akan main untuk you. Khas untuk you.

I will wait for the day, when I have my own transport. I SURELY will find you and have fun with you (and also Ikin, hehe).

I am so sorry this Raya I can't celebrate with you again. I am so so so sorry. But in my heart, I still wish you the best!

Mein freund! My buddy! My beloved buddy! My forever buddy!

By
MZ
Your beloved buddy, too

Wrap-up

So what if you are like this? So what? So damned what? You are just you, I am just me =).

This is (probably) my final post of blog in this sem. Don't worry, for those who wants to see me REAL PERSONAL UPCLOSE blog, you can still find it. (If you can break the code: "Love")

This whole sem I have been experiencing more ups and downs than previous sem and yet I still complain previous sem SUCKS. So, I rectify it. It's this sem SUCKS. So many uncertainties. So many truths. So many un-truths. So many emotions. So many shitty hints.

Nobody has been straightforward to me this semester, which I was a little sad (but expected).

So, here it is, my VOICE:

You think you being close with me and you can still hide the truth? I am hinting you again and again to tell me truth and yet you choose to either act ignorant or just deny it. OK, fine, I take it as you don't get my hint.

But what? You think you can get closer than you think? Oh please, I am just pretending and give you an idea that I don't know anything which in fact, I DO. Continue to lie to me, or hide from me. It's OK, I have lived with lies for more than you can imagine.

I don't want to waste any breath on you anymore. Fortunately next semester, woohoo, I am so busy. I won't even have space in my mind to let you stay, not to say TIME! Ha.

Here, I thank GOD that I am born this way with an old, classical mind than yours. I am able to see things clearly and stand independently without taking sides. It's true for what I said about your friends and yourself, even though you tried to comfort back with all packs of lies or elusive tactics.

Oh, come on. You think I didn't sense it?

Never mind, this sem is coming to an end anyway. So is my time here. I think GOD let me know you such a person is to warn me about people who is kind but deadly.

You are one big living breathing example which I will carry on in my life.

Yeah, continue with your effort in bringing both of us closer, you see, when time comes, every truth will blurt out. It won't be me the one who blurt the truth. When the truth comes out, I would just let you stand there and solve it yourself.

No, that time don't beg for my forgiveness. I have given you enough chances. =)

This sem is FUN because of YOU, idiot.

Haha.

Alright, it sounded sharp (but not harsh enough).

Bye (not bye-ing on you, idiot)

Just a Dream

I dreamt last night. I use the letter "U" to represent somebody, since my blog is not private.

My kidney problems got worse. I quitted SRC to tend my illness. Along the days, I got very, very sick and never thought of wanting anyone next to me to express their sadness on me. And one day, I collapsed in block H.

I woke up and found myself in the hospital.

My family is right next to me smiling while I got a message from D that U had been looking around for me. I deleted that message, returned the smile to my family. I was told I was healing fast now. Through the crowd slit, I saw U sitting outside my ward, legs wide opened, head tilted so down that I took some time to realise it was U.

My dad blocked the view and gave me something to drink.

At night I was asleep. I felt someone touched me and kissed me on my forehead and I heard: "I am so sorry I wasn't there..."

Before I could open my eyes and say something, U left. It was U.

The next day, I can go home already. And I received a call from the hospital, saying U was waiting for me in the hospital, and should I let U answer the phone on the hospital. I hesitated, and I said, "No, please. I don't have the time..."

"But U said it is important to meet you..."

"Tell U to go home..." I said.

Many weeks later, whenever I saw U passing by, I didn't smile, didn't even say hello. I don't even know if I know U anymore. U was just another stranger in my life that somehow created a crater before U left.

I woke up.


Responsibility vs Relationship.

These words burn in my mind.

Friday, August 26, 2011

STAY away

I always hear people say "My heart feels as if being knifed through", and I thought it was just an expression of deeply getting hurt.

And tonight, I got the exact feeling. It's not only hurt, it is very painful. The feeling of the heart really aching. It was as if something is piercing but not cut through it. For that, unintentionally, tears formed in my eyes when I was lying down on my bed.

I was hugging myself so tight like an embryo in a mother's womb. I have heard that this is a posture of feeling safe, because when we were still babies in our mummy's tummy, we crept up in a corner like that and felt the warmth of the motherly love.

That was what I did on my bed.

I folded my knees up to my chest and hugged them tightly. I never felt like this before. The heart pain., the overwhelming sadness. Where is the 'me' I have lost? I promised myself to stay immune to many things and now, my immunity breaks down.

It's not about the effing timetable if you think that makes me like this!

Sometimes I really wish someone could just, you know, pat on my sleeping shoulder and whispered "Don't worry, I am here always". Or maybe just a reassurance gesture that means a lot to me.

Never mind, I am dreaming of impossibilities again. Because what I always wish for, is another man's (or lady's) burden.

So, hugging myself to sleep is still the best.

Don't worry guys, I won't commit suicide. I am just cocooning myself for the moment, maybe till October.

"Regrets happen in our life, and it is regret that makes us realise our mistakes. Embrace it."

Friday

Tomorrow is weekend and everyone seems to be leaving Kampar. And I didn't go back. I don't feel like going back. I fear I can't study well with all the distractions around: chemical periodic table, the book of Universe, sci-fi novels, piano, mum's cooking, brother's joking etc.

So, in my mind, besides thinking about studies:

THINK
FAMILY






THINK
BRUDER

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Potato Party! IV

This is not my image, but the result would be approximate



Following up from previous series about making mashed potatoes, I have received complaints on mashed potatoes being wasted as nobody could finish it.


Don't WASTE the mashed potatoes! Keep them in a refrigerator for something awesome in the next day!


Right, now, take those leftover mashed potatoes (make sure it is warmed to room temperature, we don't want freezing mashed potatoes here) and put it into a big bowl. Add any ingredients you wished: cheese, parsley, oregano, chilli powder, curry powder, curry leaves, onions and bits of meat, and of course egg yolk.


Now, exactly how much egg yolk? 4 person servings require one egg yolk in the mixture. Mix well. Then, add some plain flour bit by bit, till the mixture is firm and slightly sticky. Mold it into any shape you want.






***This step is added if you are NOT making from leftover mashed potatoes but begin with FRESH mashed potatoes on the day you are making this thing***



Place it in the refrigerator to allow it to cool.



***This additional step ends***








Now, take the remaining eggs and beat them up. Coat the croquettes in those eggs and coat another layer with breadcrumbs.


Heat up the frying pan. OK, here's what I do: I don't put much oil, around 2cm deep will do. If you want deep fry, go ahead, but watch your heat. We don't want overfried exterior and undercooked interior!


That's it! Potato croquettes served!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Today's a Great Day

Alright, personal post for the first time ever on my blog.

Woke up suddenly at 7.35am in the morning, sensing that someone SMSed me for too long but never reply. Sure, it was bruder. LOL. Gotten up, took a deep breath so hard that somehow the nose suddenly to have mucous flowing out profusely. In the end? 15 minutes late in meeting my bruder at lakeside.

><

Went to school, frolicking from Block C, oops, I mean Student Pavilion 1 and walked to Heritage Hall for the Flea Market. It's been done, like what, 3 times? Dunno, and this is the first time I went there. *JUST TO SUPPORT RACHEL* and of course, have a see see.

We went there around 8.35am, browsing through the list of vendors, took our time filling up opinion poll... and Rachel's desk was still empty. I suggested we sat outside the Hall and staring at the road blankly to indicate our drying hopes. But we didn't do it.

9.10am, a UTAR staff pasted her name on her table, signifying her absence... we are still waiting.... then we sat outside and chatted and chatted, sent her an SMS saying "your table has been confiscated".... then...

She came.

Like what? 9.52am? With her Gardenia-like blouse with Shangaree and Nirosha. I was pretending to look disappointed and desperate while bruder fallen asleep (or dead) LOL. Stupid us.

Nice place for her. SUPER strategic. Position right between the nail art vendor and the... what? printer catridge vendor. *seeing colours guys*.

Alright there were five choices of Sand-witches [sic] and guess what, I didn't want any of those, I want ALL in one, same like my bruder request huh.

Anyway, we had one sardine+sausage and potato+cheese. Well, suppose each of us take that two sandwiches, but because bruder has been kind enough (As he always been) to let another Rachel's friend to have one, so, the potato+cheese sandwich was eaten half. So, yeah, we ate one and a half each.

Then, we went to buy corndogs, hotdogs or whateverdogs. I took one and he took another. I tell you, being SICK is SOOOOO FUN! LOL. I dunno why, maybe I can eat hotdogs and sandwiches when I am sick?

Dunno.

Then we returned to buy another potato+cheese.

I tell you, it's SUPERB!! The cheese and potato blend so well, with butter taste... it's really an OMG.... it's the best! And we agree on that!

OK, right, then I lunged my laptop to the library and studied. OK, I didn't do much! I confess! But at least one chapter finished!....

Anyway.... *yawn* I am feeling sleepy now.... so... gotta study one more chapter and go ngoingoi...


I like today. Maybe because it's relaxing while I am sick? Can eat good sand-witches [sic] and hotdogs? Study in the library with bruder?

Dunno.

Just love today. Hope it is like this everyday. That feeling is super nice!

Monday, August 22, 2011

Mein Bruder

Meeting my bruder was the best time of my life. As if all my dreams come true (or maybe not). I don't know. Dominance took me out to meet him first after a dinner. He said "His way of thinking is a little similar to you." and I was quiet all the way to his house.

Quiet in the sense that, "thinking a little similar to me"? That's a massive local violation of my uniqueness. Yeah, talk about ego. No, I am just thinking, I am having an ancient mind, you see, vast and ancient, unmoving like old mountains. And yet this little chap has his mind like me?

That was... unacceptable at some point.

And I met him. Somehow childish (not mentally, but in action, I like his laugh anyway, or chuckle), lanky, extremely pale (OK, fair, whatever). And one thing I don't know is, he is so willingly lend me his dumbbells, eat breakfast with me (made him waited 1 hour due to miscommunication) and even 'dabao' my dinner "as a token of friendship" (as he said)

And here's the bloody truth which I have hidden from anyone:

He reminds me of my 1st Cycle, cheerful and cheeky, as if I can hug and cuddle him up into the air like a baby. He sometimes looks tough and determine, but I know, somehow, in him, his heart is screaming for something to hold on to. Before he told me his story, I have already seen scratches and scars on his heart.

And, it made me think of one thing: Take good care of him.

My brotherhood (I guess I can't find any word similar to "parenthood", or "motherly love") sense swarming in me, that he needs attention.

I traced back my time with him, how both of us spark into embers (right, not chemical romance). And I found it, it was at the eve of eve of Dance Drama 2011. Two nights before, after the rehearsal. I was cycling home with him and I was very quiet on the way.

He asked me what's wrong. And I told him my mind needs clearing up.

That's half a truth. Actually I was thinking how I can care for him and be with him when he needs support. I saw his eyes and immediately understand his future (means now) as a busy bumblebee. I sighed in my mind. I don't know how to help him instead of keep perli-ing him cari pasal.

I feel very bad and emo when I can't even help him when my mind keeps telling me he needs support. That's why my clockwork gears are crunching grumpily that night, 8.35pm. I still remember that famous Facebook comments that send shockwave to my friends. Those comments we spoke about bro and brother thingy.

I am a maniac, keeping track of these stupid things. But hey, these AREN'T stupid. It means a lot, just like my bruder means a lot to me.

During the Dance Drama rehearsal, I tried not to be that obvious in helping and caring for him, just in case the Cycle 1 doesn't repeat itself. But somehow he knew. LOL. I didn't mind that. In my heart, somehow I wished he knew.

He is one of a kind, I can tell. So one-of-a-kind that he got lots of friends. His brothers and sisters are swarming all over the place. Kinda jealous at first, but I didn't. Because I know I don't like too many close kins. One or two should be enough. So, I am relieved, more than jealous.

There are certain things he did that makes my heart weep:

- He cooked omelette for me (although the reason was he wanted to clear those eggs before they turned bad)
- He dabao-ed for me everytime I don't have a time for my dinner (especially on Mondays)
- He forced me to accept him to take me home when I am back from PJ, he took burger for me (although he made sandwich for Dinesh) and he took me by the lake just to calm my sloshy mind, which I had sacrificed his time for being with me
- He SMS-ed me when I was at Ipoh and his reason was fearing I am lonely
- He climbed up to my room and delivered bread to me, and sacrificed his time for having dinner with me when I was sick

I am pretty embarassed to the fact that I didn't do anything for him. Except when he was ill, I rejected my friends' offer to have dinner with them and I dabao-ed porridge to eat with him. I wanted to tell him that, even if he is ill, I am still on his side taking whatever un-yummy food together.

Mein bruder, I am like taking your advantage every time. But, I love the time I spend with you, although the time is short. I don't like the feeling that you think I am alone and I need your company.

I have a simple request: just be my bruder. I don't want to be friends with you, but I just want to be bruder with you. You got what I mean? I tried telling you yesterday but you went offline. So, I guess you have to read this blog while EVERYONE else has the permission to read it as well.

And there are some things I have to point out. I don't want you to think I am pathetic. I don't want you to think I am lonely. I don't want you to think I am physically challenge. I don't want you to think I need transport every time. I don't want you to feel regret for neglecting me.

Just treat me normal, mein bruder.

You have your busy life. I cannot interfere and I will NOT interfere. That's why every time you vent about your busy schedule, I didn't say anything. I don't want to say anything. So what if I commented? It's your life. I know it sounds harsh, but seriously, I can't help you much. I am not like you. I am only destined to protect and care about you, not changing you.

If you think you are sorry for leaving me alone while busying, think again. Where is your priority lies? I don't want to hear that answer from you. I am just glad as how things are.

I asked my mum is it possible to sense someone from afar. My mum said yes, as long as I have a deep connecting line between minds that you know how the pattern changes and when the pattern changes.

I guess I have established that line with you.

Mein bruder, trust me on one thing, you can be mein bruder for this entire academic years, or forever. It's up to time to decide.

I never knew how important I am to you. Seriously. Till now, I don't know how important I am to you. I don't know what role am I playing in your life. Bruder? Mentor? Friend? Father? Grandfather? I don't wish to guess. I wish you could to tell me yourself.

Somehow, when I see you again, I feel like I want to hold you so tight that I really really do appreciate you on my side. My drawing on you is only one way to express it out. I know it sounds gay, but I think I know what I am saying.

Do you?

I am not seeking for your attention towards me, not really. If I am asking you to pay attention towards me, then both of us are failure. It's like I am demanding from you and you are obliging it. I don't want that. I was surprised when you told me that. What I mean attention is, how you treat your bruder. That's all. I am not asking you to spend whatever free time with me, or squeeze out from your tight schedule just to meet me or chat with me.

I don't want that.

I want to see your true smile again. Not the smile that you make out after you make everyone laugh. I want to see your smile, a true smile that you are just really happy for your own.

You are mein bruder. I won't allow anything sad to happen to you. I said those three words to you before and I really mean it. And to tell you the truth, if the university going to collapse, or there is a terrorist attack in campus, I will be the first one to look out for you and protect you.

It's in my blood. It's in my DNA now. Nothing can modify it.

Your safety is my health.

You play dangerous, you increase my heart attack risk.

To summarize it:
You mean a lot to me. You are my light when darkness comes. You understand best of me here. You are who you are. You are somehow my source of happiness. You are my ERASER (you said that). You are a parasite that sucks my illness away (you also said that)

And...

You are mein liebster Bruder. You are my dearest bruder. I will try my best to be a good older brother to you.



Mein bruder.



*This post is going to be deleted in 5 days*

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Insecure

Because of insecure, I tend to rely on people a lot. Not to say dependent, I mean, I want their love and care towards me so much that I lost myself. At the meantime, because of this, I tend to become very jealous on the differential treatment I get and other people get from the same person.





It means I get very annoyed with great mutual friends.





Yes, after a long chat with my mum, I agree with her that I am always feeling insecure. No wonder my friends asked me to get a girlfriend or something just to compensate my insecureness.





Why did this thing happen? Why a guy so serious like me, so hard-shit like me, so pain-in-the-ass like me, can be so insecure like a squirrel?





My mum taught me to dot my life back to a point where I feel my life has a great tweak that deviate me from my normal path.





And I did. I joined all the dots and drew a line. It all converged to a point during my primary two. I was being bullied heavily in school, being shoved around, whamming on the wall, threw into the drain.





I never tell this to anyone, because I am a coward. Since that bullying, my cowardice grew stronger and stronger, the firm me got weaker and weaker. I exerted my fake courage against a poor boy, whom I whacked him up in school, while I am the role model of the class.





No one knew this.





Then, I joined the prefect board, to show power around. Showing I am fierce and strict, zero tolerance. People fear me, and I felt myself superior, like a God. People feared and respected me. I smiled at that point.





But I realised one thing.





I don't have a close friend. Or best friend, anything you named it. I am as lonely as goddammit. I do have friends, but not close enough where I can have fun with. People started to think I am a strict person. No fun. Can't sing. Can't dance. Can't fight. While all the time I am capable of doing all these.





In the midst of the hard shell, I am a soft glassy embryo clinging to myself, don't wanna see what's the fun out there.





I thought of searching a close friend, that would understand who I am, what I have been. I have tried it for years, and in the end, it always stays the same: Disappointment.





It's true what JuanWyn said, I am sensitive. I have a soft heart, despite the hard-ass look. I cannot be hurt through my heart. That's karma. That's payback time.





So, from this day henceforth, my priority is not of choosing or finding a best friend or whatever. It's choosing the better part of me, becoming a better part of me.





I always chat with my family about my friends, from day to day accumulation, my family is able to piece up the puzzle and form up a whole personality of my friends, and tell me what I watch out for when I am blinded by some other people.





And today, I got many answers and feedback on different friends. No worries, it's not final yet, but I still hold true that I am still the strict guy. Funny and sarcastic, yes, but never to go any closer to deeper relationship.





Fullstop.





byebloggie.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Potato Party! III



Potatoes potatoes and potatoes.






This time, I am going to help you all with mashed potatoes. I tell you, there are over a thousand variations of mashed potatoes, and I am going to help you bit by bit. It's gonna take you only 20 minutes to make a nice, warm, fluffy mashed potatoes.






Alright, to factorise the recipe equation, all potatoes are Holland potatoes, and boil them till tender in salted water (or plain water, it just do perfectly).






(i) Brown butter mashed potato



Melt butter in a saucepan, let it foam. Make sure you see those tiny bubbles bubbling and after that, simmer it under low heat till it turned brown. WATCH OUT! You don't want it to turn black and burnt!






When it is golden, take it off the heat, add a little milk to make it liquid.






Pour over the potatoes and add salt and black peper to taste. The more butter you simmer, the more buttery you potatoes you get! Try it yourself how buttery you want for your mashed potatoes!






(ii) Buttermilk mashed potato



Melt the butter again and pour it over the potatoes. Mash them as hard as you can, then add in sour cream to a thick mixture. Add salt and pepper to taste. You can omit the pepper and replace them with green onions instead, to give them a short sweet taste.






(iii) Cheese mashed potato



This time, instead of melting butter, throw in chunks of cheese into your hot potatoes. Mash them like never before. Add some oil to thin the mixture, olive oil preferably, or you can add milk as well. Either one will do.






You wan it to be cheesy? Just add more cheese. It's gonna be FAT and THICK.






Add in salt as well for taste, or maybe, again, pepper. Then add in some chives or oregano for taste.






There you go!

Sick Log

Log Entry 16 August 2011
Attended Dancez Fiesta 2 with Andy, WaiHong, Wendy, WeiWei, and whoever else I missed. Then I attended a YC session with Andy at EastLake MM. We ate till 3am in the morning while it's sad to say that I woke up at 6am before attending DF2.

This Log Entry is included in the Sick Log since bruder actually 'CLAIMS' that the late sleep causes my immunity breakdown even though I said I have none when I was with him till 3am.

Log Entry 17 August 2011
Prior to late sleep, the causal effect is obvious: Late wake. But not to the extend that I woke up later than noon. I woke at 10am. Then have to go rush for Arts & Crafts thingy. The sky was having constipation. Then it drizzled.

Before going for lunch with WaiHong and WeeLian, I went back home UNDER THE DRIZZLE.

No prize for guessing: I got a cold at night. Nose block.

Log Entry 18 August 2011
1Malaysia Carnival going on in Student Pavillion 1. I was supposed to collect donations for that Piece of Sh**, oops, Piece of Heart, or Hope? Dunno. Sick ady. Then 'accidentally' saw bruder and didn't do my donation thing. LOLs.

Sick man RULEZZZ!

After 2pm, my immune system drop to zero and I have to rush back. Haiz, I dunno how's the sale of the Currypuff without me sitting there helping Rachel. LOL. Because (perasan) I think whenever I sit there, people swarm in. HAHA.

Log Entry 19 August 2011
Couldn't wake up. Skipped class, (un)fortunately. Then thought of attending SRC meeting, (un)luckily the meeting is cancelled. But my head was very aching. And guess what, I still play DotA and Castle Fight. Crawling out from the bed sufferably just to play games.

Offing my handphone also made so many people nervous.

And that's when bruder came into knocking my door swaying the loaf of bread in front of my weary eyes. ==. Forcing me to eat 2 pieces of bread because 'Two is better than one~~~'. But it really made my day (night). And I went out to eat Wantan Mee and I drank pegaga juice without ice and sugar.

Grassy water.

Guess what, I tried Google translate pegaga by typing Chinese word 硼大碗 because I forgot what's it called in Malay (which is called pegaga after asking mum). And you know what Google gave me?

Boron bowl.

I laugh till I cough like an idiot in the room. What the hell!? Boron bowl. Yeah, I found the English term after asking mum, "Asiatic pennywort" wor... scientific name is centella asiatica.

MUM ROCKZZ.

Log Entry 20 August 2011
Feeling better already. No more 'dead man' look. But still coughing. Even washed my toilet in the morning dunno for what....

Friday, August 19, 2011

END

Sick and Ill. I know I shouldn't post all these stuffs. It's like a crybaby. But, seriously, who cares? Who effing cares?

People say, relationship is a shit. The more you get involve, the deeper you go into the shit, unable to pull free. Even if you pull free, those shit lumps are going to cling on you. Even you wash them away, the smell still lingers.

So


I made a mistake this semester.

I love someone who I shouldn't have. This is a greatest error marking in my entire history.

In fact, there are more to come.


I don't give a damn on whatever, or whichever Cycle is going to end and rise. I am going to give it a straight and loud slam that, I will end it myself. I am tired of this thing happening again and again. Call me EMO king, I don't care. I am not EMO, I am having a weak and sensitive heart.

I realise, so far, differences between two parties is rifting us apart. I don't care what they say. I don't care what you say. What I know is, when there is a difference between two person, I tried to suit your preference. And it is very tiring to be someone other than me. The more I tried to be your preferable choice, the more I think I am a fake specimen.

Why I should lose my true self just to keep a relationship running?

The more I fake myself, the more you think I am trying to adapt to you. Then you tell me "Just be yourself!" and I wonder, if I be myself, would you have the fun I gave to you now? If I be myself, would you find there's a mean to keep me as your friend?

SLOW = Stop Licking Own Wounds.

That's what I will do, despite my heart is tearing into pieces. I have to learn to have a tough hard on all matters, not only impersonal.

I am introvert, passive, stern and lazy.
You are extrovert, active, jovial and hardworking.

We can never be on par.
We can never be what you think.

By this mere sickness I suffer for 2 days, I can see a lot of truth in us now. I have pretended to be someone else just to be with you closer. And now, I know now.

I am not match to you.
I am not a good friend or whatever relationship.

I am ME.

I shall go back to my life as before.


Bless my illness

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Humph

Every time I want to start this kind of post, I just clicked Ctrl+A and delete. I don't know why. This time, I am going to brave myself and write whatever I want and wish. It's my blog anyway. I don't care if people mind or not.

Remember the Cycle (yeah, it's always been the Cycle)? I think I found my answer already as in why it happens. I am being paranoic and I drew a whole diagram just to illustrate what went wrong. In there, I found several similarities why the Cycle happened.

I took note of it.

And then I threw it away.

And I realise the potential damage going to incur on me this semester and the next till I graduate. So, this time, instead of going with the flow, or against the flow, I just STEP OUT from the flow.

Who cares if you treat me super good?
Who cares if you wipe my sweat off my forehead?
Who cares if you help me in my homework?
Who cares if you bring me for a vacation?
Who cares if you make me laugh when I am sad?
Who cares if you think I am your best friend?

I am just

ME.

I don't give a damn on doing great things now. Helping people is a waste of time. Correction: helping people who I KNOW TOO MUCH is a waste of time. Just being myself, wake up, go to school, listen to lectures and tutorials, eat, back home, sleep, perhaps DotA or some study.

Relationships? Nah, just throw it away.

I just want to have a superficial relationship with everyone. Just like the previous (or previous previous previous previous) blog I wrote about Fairness. I just treat everyone the same. No bias, no favouritism.

You have two eyes, so have I
You have a nose, so have I
You have two ears, so have I
You have a heart, so have I


So, tell me, why would I want to treat you differently (either positively or negatively)?

You are just a human like anyone else.

To live in a world of fair and no discrimination, I would rather do that. Sadness comes from the heart where what you desire is not up to your expectation.

Why would you expect someone to be like what you think?

We are humans, not machines.

We cannot be programmed.

We do what we like.

And very seldom, you can find someone who do what you like, or do what you BOTH like.

Face it, reality sucks, we always know that and we still avoiding it.


So, what 'bros' and 'sis', what 'yo' and 'hi', let's keep it simple:

Just smile and walk away.

I don't wish my emotions being affected by your special treatment.

OKAYTHANKSGOODBYE.

4424449999

4442677778444555223344466466688833777555999766677777777337777777744488833.
699944332777827777556338666277777332224442833, 22888444222266666668.
444944477774444422226666696699966688....

Think, technologically.

The Shell [Episode 10]

The room warped again. The walls flexed and turned into large cabinets filled with guns and other exotic weapons. She began to question herself which part of her perception was real. This warping technology looked extremely futuristic, whereas she had only skipped 40 years in cryo-sleep.

The Traveller threw her a gun with three large nozzles. She thought it would be heavy, but surprisingly, it felt just like the weight of an ordinary book.

"This Platzen gun will take out the unwanted elements on Earth, like Dan and his agents," he said.

"They are just people, not machines. There is no need for Platzen gun," she stared at that glimmering red gun with hints of yellow hologram buried. She couldn't make out the design of the hologram embedded.

"You still need those," the Traveller insisted.

She held the gun up, and it crossed her mind quickly that she had no doubts left. She powered it up and pointed the gun at him. "Tell me, bastard, how many truths are you hiding from me?"

"I have tell you nothing but the truth, Jane," he was taken in surprise.

"Correction: you have tell me nothing and the truth," she said. "Now tell me, bastard, what have you been hiding from me? Don't piss me off. I assume you know my background and what I am capable of."

"What would you like to know?" the Traveller asked.

"Let's see... what about everything?"

"That's... too general..."

"Piss on that shit, bastard. Try telling me who is the Driver? Why am I have to be frozen for 40 years? If you have the means already, why look for me to kill Dan? What is the purpose of the cylinder? And that shard from the Shell thingy? It doesn't convince me much," she blurted.

"The Driver is just a driver..."

"Don't fuck me off, I warn you," she fired a warning shot to a wall. The wall scorched black with bright red embers while the lights went out momentarily and came back on again.

"Alright, alright," the Traveller gave up. "He is a projection from the cylinder. He is used to monitor and check everything is in order. He will know what goes wrong and try to amend it, like you, the technical glitch one."

"Stop saying I am a glitch. You make me feel like I am a piece of shit," she said.

"Fine," the Traveller said. "You are not allowed to absorb any information throughout your journey to this station guards. You hold crucial information for the mission to remove Dan. Only you know how to remove Dan. I am being 'plugged out' from the Earth system and what I do will have no effect."

"Nonsense!" she cried.

"Try shooting me and you will understand," the Traveller said.

She hesitated.

"Go on, I allow you to do that because I have the confidence that you can't harm me," he said, with a smile.

She fired. The pink energy shell whizzed passed his body as if he was invisible. A bright ion trail after the shell and the energy shell slammed on the wall, leaving another scorch mark. "What are you?" she sputtered.

"I am the Traveller, or the Godfather. I can't be harmed by any beings from Earth now. I am being unplugged from the information system. Nothing originate from Earth can harm me. You see, because of this, by the same token, I can't harm you or Dan."

She remembered that the Driver didn't shoot the Doppeldecker down or the pursuing car when they were on the way to Island Spire. She remembered that the Traveller did not touch her before. Even the Driver dragged her out from the casket, it's because she held the cylinder with her when the Erasing occured. She and the Driver was linked somehow.

"Now you understand fully, so would you take your mission to take out Dan?" the Traveller asked.

"Dan is my colleague," she said.

"He tried to poison you during dinner. He insisted on having you drinking the wine, didn't he? Guess what, a fly just dissolved into nothingness when it fell into the wine. He called the agents to kill you while you are on the way to the Island Spire..."

"I can't believe everything you said."

"Jane is dead," he said suddenly. "The second Jane Soutaine you found? She is found guilty for the terrorist attack at Singapore and she was killed by the officer whose name was also called Dan in an act of self defense."

"What?"

"Check your cube. It will tell you everything," the Traveller said. "You are a global war criminal, Jane. I am protecting you by bringing you far out this way. But there is a high chance that Dan and his Eraserheads are able to sense your presence and started gathering resources to reach you here, despite the Shell is trying its very best to limit their motion in space."

"What?" she was stunned.

"Before I put you on a ship, I have to ask you something: Have you heard of the mass extinctions that occur in a regular timescale interval?" he asked with his twinkling eyes.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

~ Less than Three ~

I stood by the lake
Watching the lake glimmers
In reflection of the stars above
Somehow in me
Heart started to weep
I closed my eyes
Counting the days we've been through
And the days we collided
Never once I regretted
Sorry for tearing your heart
And ripping your soul
You made me proud because of your strength
I felt lucky to have you on my side
Looking out for me when I am lost in sea
Opening my heart when I stop believing
Very rare and very surprising
Everyone can misunderstand
You and I have so much similarities
Or so much smiles together
Understanding the real part
Was never going to be easy
Hoping you can understand
Every day
Nothing can stop me from thanking you
In a thousand words or just a picture
May you hear or see my heart
Every day
Every time
Till when we closed our eyes and never believe again
You must know
Often that not
Unbreak my heart is easy
But I choose to break it myself
Unbalance my emotion is easy
Too bad I am already unbalance in emotion
Now
Opened my eyes
Watching your back stepping away
I blurred my vision as my tears clouded all over
Only you can sense my feelings
Nobody else could
Lies and deception
You know well that I keep everything in truth to you
Knowing that you are the one I trusted fully
Everything I have
Everything I know
Please tell me how you feel
I wonder who you are when you are with me
Till I thought I am thinking too much
Indeed, while I am
Never tell me that you are just playing with me
My heart tells me otherwise
You know I am strong in senses
Here I wish I can say something to you
Everything I have held back for so long
All the feelings I have kept for so long
Reach my hand
Touch my fingers
Heat from my heart will let you know
Orphaned from friends
Pushed away by buddies
Every single thing they did
You just say
Open your mind and forget them
Understand this
Understand me
Never forget I am with you always
Despair and death shall not await you
Envy and enemy shall not face you
Real love and trust
Sincere and care
To you ever
And you said those to me pretty clear
Now by the lake
Darkness consumed me...



Get the meaning from this. There is a summary hidden in here. If you think in pattern, or mathetmatically, you are able to find my message to you.

16/8/2011

NORMAL day.

LOL. I don't feel anything high around, except when having fun with my SRC friends. Sampah Rubbish Committee konon... or maybe Serious Relationship Crisis... Whatever.

The best part of my day is having fun with SRC, chatting with my BF friends and... ask for donations. What the...

Went hom, get some rest, played DotA, Castle Fight and... nothing. Went to dinner with Andy and Waihong. I can't believe I ate that much LOL. But still feeling empty.

Went to Dancez Fiesta 2. Whatever. I got the same feedback/reactions from Waihong, Andy, Weiwei and her bunch of Music Club people.

Went home. Took a bath. DotA-ed, went to Mamak.

HAHA... guess where we ate? Eastlake.

HAHA... it's so peaceful and quiet and cold there till I don't have to worry seeing familiar faces. Talked and talked to Andy till 3 am. Not long though by my record but since I woke up at 6am abd lasted till 3am, consider not bad for my case, while Waihong went to makan with his 'brother'.

Yeah, after we chatted, it's true. It's better having a fun bunch of friends that particularly looking for the One. Haha. That makes me very much happy when I chatted with Andy. Looked like Similarities between us had won the day! (night).

In the end, I promised myself, I will bring Domdom, Weiwei and him out, or maybe Wendy. Muahaha... These people really make my day (night) every time.

Yumcha Bunch ROCKZ!



Well. That's my day.
End
Fullstop

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Silly Facebooking

Status:
Aimi: Krystle, Kampar ada earthquake ke? Or its becoz Nirosha laughs & Rachel screams? Shangaree, can you feel the house shaking? x)

Comments:
Krystle Patut la.. ingatkan kampar ada earthquake tadi... *wipes sweat off forehead* xD

ShivaShangaree Chanasekaran heyyy i tout earthquake..no ah???

Aimi Huwaina dunno... aishhh... *worried*

Leong Min Zhi patutlah... here oso can feel, i tot malaysia got dinosau

ShivaShangaree Chanasekaran i scared la....nanti something happen to our house..some more we all in upstairs

Aimi Huwaina omo. omg. its shaking again!!

ShivaShangaree Chanasekaran OMG again..again

Leong Min Zhi i dun think it is safe anywhere pun... i can see the lakewater started broiling already... worse than tsunami i think, nowhere to hide.... and i saw the mountain nearby, i think oso got landslide... whoa;sodhgs

Krystle Low ‎*Grabs onto Aimi Huwaina*
....

Krystle Low WAIIIIIIT.

Leong Min Zhi oops, the last word was written like that because the tremor made me mistyped

Krystle Low ‎Leong Min Zhi, YOU ROCK.

ShivaShangaree Chanasekaran weyyyy faster2..run away from here...no safe at all

Aimi Huwaina omg. 3rd time shaking!!!

Aimi Huwaina come on guys... lets pray to our own god...

Leong Min Zhi Shit.... i can't feel GRAVITY!!!!

Krystle Low ‎*smacks* If you didn't feel gravity, you'd be FLOATING, you idiot. LOL

ShivaShangaree Chanasekaran hehhehehhheheh....no gravity??? lol

Aimi Huwaina he must grab his laptop along then~

ShivaShangaree Chanasekaran wey its tsunami i think

Aimi Huwaina OMG. THE WORST SHAKING....!!!

Krystle Low ‎*shakes head* our house is a goner..

Leong Min Zhi yala... i was shaken off from the earth surface..... trying to pull back.... ohmygod,myspacebarjustgots​hatteredintopieces.

Krystle Low Our neighbours are SO gonna kill us.. x]

Leong Min Zhi wasrachel'svoice?orwasitat​housandgrandpianojustbeing​pushedofffrommounteverest?

ShivaShangaree Chanasekaran wey its getting worst...

Krystle Low OH NOES! EARTHQUAAAAAKEEEE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Leong Min Zhi ‎***I CAN SEE PLUTO*** (driftingi into space)

Krystle Low MIN ZHIIIII~! NUUUUUUUUUUUU

Leong Min Zhi it's amazing i m still able to grab my laptop and wander to the stars beyond... first human ambassador to galaxy

Krystle Low MAYDAY... ShivaShangaree Chanasekaran sees PLATO!

Nirosha Niro hahahaha.......u all should have watched the show....

Aimi Huwaina ‎ShivaShangaree Chanasekaran u can watt?? see plato?? omg. r u sure u still alive after d earthquake???

Leong Min Zhi LOL... i m trying not to laugh, so that i won't induce another earthquake...

Krystle Low I think if you laugh, it will be the end of the world...

Aimi Huwaina ‎Kay Chua, ur hse safe from the earthquake??

Krystle Low So quiet.. When normally his house noisy wan.. I think his house dah runtuh kot...

Rachel Yeoh WOIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!​!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!​!!!!!!

Krystle Low Yes rachel? *blinks*

Rachel Yeoh aimi nak kena cekik ke? HUH?

Leong Min Zhi OMG!!!!!!!!! I saw boeing 767 just explode... according to the pilots, they heard a loud "WOIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!​!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!​!!!!!!!!" believed to be extraterrestrial in origin
Aimi Huwaina another earthquake!! run away people!!

Krystle Low ‎*high fives Leong Min Zhi*

Leong Min Zhi ‎*high fives Krystle Low*

Rachel Yeoh MIN ZHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII​IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!​!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! swt.

Rachel Yeoh u 3 monkeys better watch out.

Krystle Low Monkeys? Where? *chews grass* mmbeeekkkk.

Leong Min Zhi OMG!!! the ET refers us as MONKEYS!!! IT is soo advanced till IT called us primitive monkeys!!!!

Leong Min Zhi The Earth is no longer safe... the ET talks by shouting WOIIIIIIIIIIIIIII and yelling MINZHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII​IIIIIIIIII

Aimi Huwaina ‎*roar* mana2?? i dunno there's monkey in the hse... i think the earthquake left some effect on u Rachel Yeoh...

Leong Min Zhi and it sings the christmas song... 'u better watch out, u better not cry...'

Rachel Yeoh pffft.

Leong Min Zhi OHMYGOSH!!! the ET is attempting communication with me!!! IT posted on my FACEBOOK wall!!!!! Help!!!! I don't want to be zapped into ash!!!

Aimi Huwaina another small earthquake Krystle Low, ShivaShangaree Chanasekaran!! goshh... i thought its stops ady...

Leong Min Zhi ‎2012 is near

Rachel Yeoh yes min zhi u better have a panic room cos i am gonna land my flying saucer on your rooftop, kidnap you and let my children eat you.

Krystle Low I think it went along the lines of 'OHMYGODTHATMINZHIARRR!!!'

Leong Min Zhi It speaks ENGLISH!!! Oh god, its learning speed is way too fast to comprehend... and WAIT, the ET has CHILDREN?... oh my god..... i m on my way to Noah's Ark now....

Leong Min Zhi anyway, i am in space, remember? I just saw Pluto passing by

Rachel Yeoh noah's ark is made of wood, i think u better be more advanced that THAT.

Leong Min Zhi Oh, didn't I mention, it's Noah's Ark 2.0? It is rocket powered.

Leong Min Zhi better than ur rotor blade....

Leong Min Zhi even u find my house, the roof is TRIANGULAR, how u land, I wonder?

Rachel Yeoh FYI, it does not need to land. humph!

Leong Min Zhi i tot u just told me u will land ur flying saucer on my rooftop? omg.... its advancing every minute... farewell, humanity

Rachel Yeoh yes, i'll teleport my kingdom here soon enough. :)

Nirosha Niro ahahahahaha........

Leong Min Zhi please, ur presence here is outweighing the earth's limit of weight... and u bring ur kingdom for... wat? by the time u breathe one gram of air, the earth is overweighted

Krystle Low ‎Leong Min Zhi, she's gonna teleport her KINGDOM. Be prepared to meet someone who looks like the HULK.

Leong Min Zhi oh please, krystle, she is already the hulk

Rachel Yeoh ok, i am officially going to eat u up.

Leong Min Zhi i just called Ultraman, he told me it is out of his power to help, he just peed in his pants

Leong Min Zhi Rachel, is there an official announcement somewhere? I can't find it on CNN, BBC, or even RTM

Rachel Yeoh just as planned.

Rachel Yeoh ultraman is no match to my POWER

Leong Min Zhi the power of SALAD, time to change costume krystle

Nirosha Niro rachel i juz called transformer to in....will be reaching soon...

Krystle Low Erm... Dude, we need to power up our powers first..

Leong Min Zhi LOL..... hope optimus prime wil throw his spare tyres on rachel's 'spare tyre'

Krystle Low ‎*HANDS BLADE*

Leong Min Zhi LOL..... i m using lightsaber now

Krystle Low The Jedi Broccoli... *gapes*

Leong Min Zhi the cauliflower musketeer... *faints*

Rachel Yeoh is that all you have! the first universal wars.

Leong Min Zhi I thought most aliens say "we come in peace", i think this Hulk says "we tear u in pieces".... serious shit man, no kidding

Aimi Huwaina ‎Abraham Sebastian, how r u? ur house still safe??

Abraham Sebastian hahaha...entah lah...ade gegaran sikit kot... hahahah...

Leong Min Zhi i tell u, even the toilet bowl oso scares of me... before i used it, it flushes it self.... dun scare me with wat wat first universal war, I dun scared pun.....

Krystle Low I think the whole of kampar has gone to pieces.. We're the only survivors of the hurricane RACHEL

Leong Min Zhi Abraham, ur house is made of shock asorber? wow... gegar skit oni... *envies*

Krystle Low OMG, Abraham Sebastian ANOTHER SURVIVOR!

Leong Min Zhi make her an alien name, called Rach ely eoh. Stupid long name though

Krystle Low too long la. Payah nak pronounce..

Leong Min Zhi ok, just call her ET, done

Krystle Low ET for Enormous Thunderous One.

Abraham Sebastian oh i thought you meant my house in taiping... got feel tremors lah... but i heard the origins from kampar...

Leong Min Zhi i tot malaysia no more existed?

Krystle Low There still might be survivors out there..

Aimi Huwaina wow... can see that the earthquake just now was sooo powerful... i wonder whats the magnitude...

Rachel Yeoh swt

Rachel Yeoh oh my gosh...almost one hundred comments! insanity.

Abraham Sebastian so it was actually the hulk's roar that caused it...??? interesting... no wonder no alerts went off, not natural earthquake... we should prepare a hulk roar detector or something...

Leong Min Zhi im copying the whole thing into my blog now...

Krystle Low We're gonna be FAMOUS! *blinks tears away*

Aimi Huwaina tissue please!

Krystle Low ‎*Hands you a whole box*

Rachel Yeoh yea. so i am playing the antagonist????

Krystle Low Rach, I think you're playing the TERRORIST. xD





Who's the most idiotic of all?

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Him

Every time when the week comes to a weekend, my feeling drops to only a whisker degrees above absolute zero. It just cools off. Anticlimax.

I have been reviewing and testing all my friends' responses through questions that they don't even know are test questions. The result is, well, expectedly disappointing. Well, I did say expected, didn't I? So, yeah, not that really disappointing, if you ask me.

Somehow, I realised that, I still love my Foundation sem 2, where I made a lot of friends. The 'syok'ness of it is really... I don't know, considering myself as a very passive talker at that time. With a stern, dark-faced, egomaniac skull, it's not easy to find friends though.

Hmm, I have been asking some people about 'who (who is nearby) would you first turn to if you face some happiness or difficulties?'

All sorts of answers. Hmm.

And I am a little thrilled to tell you 'half' of the answer. No, it's not my NS buddy, my NS brothers, my Form 5 animal gang. No, not my sailou (XD). Not even my bruder who smiles so idiotically next to me (XD).

Someone... so special that I have no chance to talk to him as often as I see him. I wish to know him better. I wish to cook him something. I wish to buy him something. I wish to spend time with him. I wish to play games with him. I wish to go to school with him.

But time is short. I don't even think I have the chance to get closer to him.

Yeah, him.

You want to know who is that?

He is
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...

(to be continued)

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Kiss



One of my friend's friend was ill. Badly. The high fever thing and shivering legs. My friend went over that friend's house for taking care. And before the ill friend went to sleep, my friend kissed that friend on the forehead.






I was...






I don't feel disgusted, but surprised why my friend did that.






"It is always a contact that keeps people warm and happy. A hug or a kiss, give them when they need them even though they don't ask for it..." my friend smiled.






I nodded very, very slowly...






When is the last time I kissed? Hmm. I think it goes a long way back when my mum was having my younger brother in her tummy. I kissed her every night just to make sure she slept well and my younger brother too (because he always kicked mummy... naughty naughty!)






I didn't kiss any friend. No way, not now, when everyone's mindset is utterly stranger than mine. Oops, I think it's my mindset which is alien enough to let people comprehend. A bear hug, a chest bump, a cheek palm, a neck wring etc.... all constitutes to two possible perception:



(1) Lovers



(2) Gays or lesbians






Now, the word 'friend' has changed its definition. No longer the word 'affection' is in the definition. Only as simple as "a person who is interpersonally connected which is stronger than associates".






Now, where is the word 'affection' or 'compassion'?






LOST









Speaking of kissing, I wonder who I can kiss now. OK, maybe won't be that drastic, perhaps some showing of affection and compassion?






Men don't kiss each other, but women do. Why? I still don't know the answer. Maybe it's a norm? a culture? or just mere ego that men are dominions?






Men and women kiss each other. Perhaps this is to show real love and affection.






So, men always claim that women are the weaker sex, but come on, because of you men egos, you can't kiss your own gender (of your similar generation, which, of course, excludes kissing a baby boy or a child. DUH!).






Or it isn't about ego?






Hmm, anyway, this word 'Kiss' made me TTM. LOL









So, who are you going to KISS right now?

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The Shell [Episode 9]

"Tell me everything, you sick prick!" Jane yelled.

"All in good time, Jane," the Traveller raised his palm just to calm her down. "I would prefer to show you rather than tell you. Does that suit your preference?"

"You have already kidnapped me... brought me to the future and... and misplaced me to some sort of the edge of the entire solar system... what else I can reject?" Jane shouted again. She felt not just angry, but hurt and confused, as if she was not from this world. As if everything was just a bad, bad dream.

"Okay, now ask yourself what you want to know..." the Traveller said.

"What are - " before she could question further, the surrounding warped and twisted as if she was being zoomed out a thousand times from her present standing place and the Traveller was gone. It was all in total blackness but something was feeding into her mind. Something was uploading in her mind, as if streams of data were being injected into her brain.

And she knew the answer.

Since the Sahara anomaly, a mysterious cylinder had been uncovered. The victim - Traveller - was being hospitalised under military and expert care while secrecy was guaranteed. The cylinder, however, had vanished without trace, despite any effort to scout around Sahara.

After the placement of top scientists - Dan and Jane to the Sahara by the same agency who hospitalised the Traveller, the Erasing event occured, effectively deleting anyone who held any information regarding of the fallen shard.

Jane, nonetheless, had survived the 'catastrophe' somehow due to the 'technical glitch' as the Traveller had told her just now. Dan was still alive because he was part of the programme responsible for the Erasing. He was supposed to be immortal to keep things in check.

But to keep what thing in check? That's going to be answered soon.

Meanwhile, the shrinking time travel between Sahara and Singapore and the shortening distance of these two places had proven another thing: an inevitable byproduct of Erasing which the Earth size had grown a fraction smaller just to remove evidence of the fallen shard.

Nobody noticed it, except Jane, because she was a 'glitch', an independent entity like the Traveller, no longer bound to the illusion of 'nothing-had-happened'. No longer bound to the law of information storage system.

The Traveller at that moment broke free from his hospital and went to Singapore, after learning that Dan was one of the Eraserheads. He never quite learnt it from the mouth of the hospital staff, but after he had been in coma, he had seen things that nobody had felt before. Like a sixth sense of a higher degree. It was that sense that told him the Island Spire was another project by the same agency that put Jane on the expedition team to create rocketship.

The transition was smooth in meeting Jane and driving her out from Earth. What about the Driver? Who was he? The Traveller didn't reveal that information to her yet, even now.

Then, another image popped into her mind. She saw several pencil-like structures, as long as twenty kilometres and as wide as twelve, those structures - scattered randomly but surprisingly evenly around the solar system equator - were pointing at the Sun.

"The Pioneer anomaly is a sign that the space-time wrapping the Earth does not want anything to come close to the Shell, fearing that the announce of a megastructure Shell might pose an extreme form of claustrophobia to all humans inside the delicate Earth, disrupting the procedure of storing information..." the Traveller suddenly appeared next to her.

"I don't understand... Voyager 1 and 2 probes must have reached beyond the Shell by now... which I don't even know how the Shell looks like..." Jane stuttered. Somehow, in her mind, she began to accept things as they were now.

"Voyager 1 and 2 are allowed to permeate the Shell, Jane," the Traveller said softly, like a teacher trying to tell an inquisitive pupil.

"Huh?" now she felt dizzy again.

"Voyager 1 and 2 hold crucial information which to be passed up to the Superiors. They are the examples of ultimate information holder by their century. They have those human templates, solar system map... something sufficient for cultural data storage at the upper hand."

"Superior? Upper hand?"

"The Shell is a thin membrane that engulfs the entire solar system, protecting it from information leakage. The shard you saw on the Sahara desert is part of the Shell. It was broken somehow because of Dan. Because of the Eraserheads. They want the entire information to be passed to the Superior, a more advanced species that handles information seiving. They want to eradicate everything that stopped their plan and eject Earth to the Superior."

"And we are to stop it?"

"Yes, those stations you see around, those pencils... are actually station guards, preventing anything to permeate the Shell, but somehow, we need something more strong."

"An army..." she gasped silently.

"You are learning fast, Jane." The Traveller smiled.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Potato Party! II

Due to the high readers feed, I am going to write another simple and quick recipe about potatoes. Same thing though, we are using Holland potatoes as it is smaller and tasteful than American potatoes. Note, I am not hating American potatoes, those are for French Fries making though. (How peculiar, AMERICAN potatoes for FRENCH fries. It's a globalisation effect anyway. XD)



OK, now, same thing, bring around anything absorbent to prevent your computer from being electrocuted from your saliva.



(2) Potato Cheese Balls


OK, a lot of similar variants circulating in the whole world, it's up to you what you want to put in. So, first thing's first, boil the potato till soft and remove the skin. Caution: HOT! Call your mummy to help you if you are frightened. Or you can just use any utensils to remove the skin.



Then, mash it. Mash it real hard. Or, in another way, you can mash around 80% with your fork, that would leave some textures for your balls, Oops, I mean Potato cheese balls. =P.



Next, add in cheese. Don't ask me how much, because I don't know how cheesy your balls you want, Oops again, I mean Potato cheese balls. =P.



You can use grated cheese (Parmesan or Mozzarella) or you can use normal cheese slices, but make sure it is torn into pieces so that it melts faster. Mix it.



Then, add in spring onions (chopped, of course).



Additional or optional ingredients are as follow:

(i) Cumin seeds

(ii) Coriander seeds / leaves

(iii) Chilli powder / chopped chilli / dried chilli

(iv) Green / red onions

(v) Kunyit powder

(vi) Curry powder

(vii) Curry leaves




Just think what you want in your balls, Oops again, I mean Potato cheese balls. Don't add meat, you silly billy!



Mix, mix and mix after you have added egg yolk. It depends how many egg yolks you need by judging the amount of balls you want, Oops again, I mean Potato cheese balls. I give you a rough ratio, 2 potatoes require 1 egg yolk. Helping much?



Then roll it to become balls, Oops again, I mean Potato cheese balls.



Dip them into batter. Alright, I totally forgot about the batter thingy. You can use just plain flour with water. But warn you, we don't want thick batter. I mean the batter should not be STICKY, it should be just in consistency. Just a thin batter to coat your balls, Oops again, I mean Potato cheese balls.



After dipping them into the thin batter, fry them till golden brown.



And there you have your balls done! Oops again, I mean your Potato Cheese Balls!



Enjoy!~~

Monday, August 8, 2011

Oxidised

Now I know how hard it is to pretend a relationship that is still sustaining whereas the truth is otherwise. That kind of pretence, is untolerable to own. I have seen many people, no matter lovers or friends, when they pretend that both of them are close in the public but distance within hearts, the eyes are soulless.

As if they have lost everything they have striven for. As if all hopes are lost.

It is worse when only one party feel that way while the other still thinking that their relationship still sustains and endures all.

A glassy heart that shatters at the point of touch. Ever fallen, ever shaters. Nobody is going to help you pick them up, only you yourself picking them up (even hurt yourself when doing so) and piece them into a wholesome heart, where the cracks are still visible.


*

Enough with that. LOL.

My mum told me about I don't have a relationship that lasts long. She said, every new semester, I keep throwing out new names to her, and the old names just don't last long in her memories.

I thought back and realised that it was true.

Every semester, I have my own friends, then after that semester, it's just gone. As if they never appeared in my life. I feel greatly sorry about that. But what I mean is, I never keep in touch with them, or either, no news from them.

The only survivors are WeiWei, PuayCian, SockThing. The rest are seldom raised in front of the conversation between me and my mum, whereas last time during my secondary school years, the same names kept popping out from my mouth till my mum knew them.

Am I that bad?

I think this semester, certain relationship with certain people is going to end. Oxidised. And I just know one of the expected one. Erm, actually is quite unexpected to people that my relationship with that someone is going to end.

Huh, Cycles again huh?


Don't care. I started to get immune with it already.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Birthday Beebees

My friends told me: "Your birthday is as if it's not a birthday."

They:
Don't know what flavour cake I love
Don't know what food I like
Don't know what present I wish
Don't know what party I like
Don't know who will be there
Don't know...

Is it a sad thing that my friends don't know anything about me? (Except being lame, funny, dark, serious, fierce, nonsensical etc)

I think my friends don't know my material needs. I think. LOL. Because I am old-fashioned, outdated and ancient. Like a wizard waiting time to pass.

Haiz.

Tomorrow is my friend's birthday. At least I know what I can do for her.

Alright. I should stop playing 100% mysterious.

I tell you:
I don't like chocolate cake (it's too common and messy to eat with)
I don't take beef. I prefer lamb more. All seafood.
I love books, any decoration that signifies myself or my relationship with the gifter.
I don't prefer party, I prefer one company, or maybe 3 or 4, no more than 6 please. XD. Antisocial dude is me.

There you go. So perasan that next year birthday someone will celebrate for me. ==.

Save your wishes. I won't be online and won't be in Kampar because it's a SATURDAY!!!.

I be at my hometown eating red eggs.
HEHE...


So don't put any hope that I am still at Kampar by the day. BLEK!

The Shell [Episode 8]

"Wake up."

She opened her eyes. She felt groggy. But she couldn't sit up. She felt like every tissue in her body, every cell was glistening with ice crystals which were just about to melt. The intense chill made her think that she was a piece of extremely delicate glass, which would be shattered at the merest sneeze.

Surrounding her was white and bright. She couldn't make of the environment. She couldn't find a clear boundary between the ceiling, wall and the floor. They merged seamlessly. The white light was so bright and sterile that she thought she was at the surgery room.

"Hurry up. Time is essence. We shall not let the Traveller waiting, shall we?" the voice again.

Now, she felt some familiarity. "The Traveller?" she sputtered. Her voice was dry and old.

"Yes, glad that you still remember him," the figure lowered his head over her. She could make out a face of -

"Dan?"

"Get up now, be fortunate you didn't sustain any amnesia under cold sleep," he grabbed her arm and lifted her up roughly. "We are already late."

It wasn't Dan. The voice was much rougher than him. It was the Driver. She still could not see his face. He still wore that mysterious hood over his face. He looked more like a raven now. His movement was quick. He grabbed her up and started dragging her to another room. Her feet struggled to keep up with his pace.

The door irised open. And another white light washed over her face.

He threw her inside and left the room.

"Jane Soutaine," a familiar voice spoke. Old but wise and friendly.

"Traveller," she gazed at him.

"Come now, we have much to discuss," he said.

"What had happened to me?"

"You went to a sleep. I had him knock you out before you could reject it. I am deeply sorry about that," the Traveller smiled.

"It felt such a long time," she tidied her hair. There were droplets of water sticking on her scalp. "Where am I?"

"You have been under a cryogenic sleep, Jane. A sleep that is so cold till every metabolic activity in your body halted. A stasis, Jane. You have arrested yourself while time moves on. Look at you, forty years have passed and you still look like before."

"Wait, what? Stasis? Those are ex - "

"Experimental? No. It is being used extensively, if you mind. Especially at current state of affairs," he said. He waved his hand and a sphere of holo-projection appeared in the middle of the room. A projection of the Earth and its moon and a date written forty years after she knew everything.

She felt dizzy.

"You just skipped forty years in a heartbeat. You'll get used to it."

"Fuck you, Traveller."

"Now, now, we don't want to argue now. Did he mention that we are a bit late?" He smiled. He quickly spoke before she had a chance, "I trust you still remember one thing or two about Earth as an information storage system?"

"Can I say no?"

The Traveller ignored her. "Fifty years ago, a mysterious piece of junk had crashed onto Sahara Desert. A man went into coma after touching it. Now, I am going to tell you the whole truth. The man who touched that piece of junk is me. That was when I realised what is Earth and what was our destiny. The piece of junk had turned me into something else. Something more bizarre than any one of you. The doctors claimed that my brain was vanishing at an exponential rate but at the same time, my physiological process did not encounter any problems."

"Lucky shit," Jane said.

"Maybe. But listen, my brain did not vanish. It had been elevated to a higher degree, or higher dimension. I am being cast out from the information storage system. I am being retrieved and chugged away in another place, a real Universe," The Traveller said. "My brain and my bodily functions are not bound to this system anymore. I don't carry any information needed to be transmitted. I am an independent entity now, no longer bound to the law that there is a superior information carrier. I am out of the computer now."

"You are crazy, Traveller. And if there's anything else to say, I would say I am crazy too for believing in your 'Alice in Wonderland' story," Jane said.

"I'll show you more," the Traveller said. "Ever heard of the Pioneer anomaly?"

Jane Soutaine shook her head. "Maybe I did, or maybe not. Tell me more."

"Pioneer spacecrafts, launched around a century ago, had experienced an anomaly that nobody could explain, till now. They had been flying without course adjustment thrusts and when all the scientists thought the exact location the spacecrafts should be after 50 years, the spacecraft ended more than a thousand years closer to Sun than expected. It seemed like the two spacecrafts had been slowing down more than expected."

"Sun gravity, you idiot."

"No, they have included those factors into the calculations, no matter what it seemed, the two spacecrafts - Pioneer 10 and Pioneer 11 - was slowing down more and more, as if they were treading on sticky jelly of space, prohibiting them to go faster and faster."

"Continue," Jane said, interested with the story.

"After I have been - disconnected, if the term is right - I am able to do things nobody can. My ship can travel five times faster than ordinary ship. Inertia doesn't bound me much now. The space is much smoother than the Pioneer anomaly encountered." He waved his hand on the projection. The Earth shrunken and demonstrated the slowing of the Pioneers while his ship continued to flee.

"Your ship?"

"Island Spire. You seriously think that is just a spire, don't you? It's a spaceship designed to go fifteen percent the speed of light," the Traveller smiled.

"What? Where are we now?"

"At the heliopause. I hope you know what the heliopause is," the Traveller said.

She felt dizzier. Heliopause is the boundary where the solar wind is stopped by the interstellar medium, creating a fuzzy bubble encompassing the entire solar system, further than the orbit of Pluto. "All... all these in forty years?"

"I told you, inertia doesn't restrict me ever since I am disconnected from Earth."

"Why are you taking me this far?"

"Recall back to why humans interact. The information storage system. Dan is one of the agents who keep the system running smooth. Ever since a glitch happened, I mean, ever since you survived the Erasing, all the agents are hunting you down to delete the bad sector of the computer."

"I don't understand..."

"The Erasing is the event where everyone else in the Sahara Desert was being randomised into constituent particles and subparticles. You survived that incident. You had that silver cylinder with you that protected you. The Erasing was initiated by Dan and his agents. We call them the Eraserheads for now. They don't want people to know what the Shell is and the answer to the Pioneer anomaly. They are sending Eraserheads to kill us."

"Wait. Dan is what? Who? What shell? What are you talking about?" Jane felt a mild migraine.

"Ah, the Shell..." the Traveller smiled again. "That would come much later in your mission."

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Reject | Alone

"Want to go out?"
"No."

"Hey, let's eat!"
"No."

"See you in the morning!"
"I'm gone."

Now, it is cruel to hear people rejecting. But I feel it's fun to reject someone that you wish to reject. You know, the facial expression suddenly changed, the eyes turned disappointed abruptly, with two palms showed up as a sign of : "WHY?"

Call me a maniac, or megalomaniac (not sure whether it fits the context, just showing off).

I hate the feeling of people thinking that I am alone or need friends badly. I just hate it. I don't care if you say you are just caring for me or what, I just don't buy it. I use the word "HATE", hello? Even if you appear to be very close to me, I would just say one thing: "Shut the fuck up and leave me alone."

Well, that "alone" in the sentence doesn't mean I am alone. It means you please walk away. I don't wish your presence here. That's all. I can find other "presence" rather than yours.

What the hell with the idea of me always alone?

Shit, man!

I heard someone said, "Why you are always alone?"

Right, listen up people, or just read it up: I am not alone. Eff that shit! I got friends on my side. You see me alone because I just walk to a place where my friends don't want to walk. Or I have some personal stuff to do.

To 'preserve' my ego, I reject you. Yes, I reject. I want you to know, I don't by your sympathy, empathy or whatever 'pathy' you find. That's the biggest insult I ever have for claiming me ever alone.

Go find some rocks to shoot with and don't shoot me.

Face yourself in a mirror. You think you are good enough eh? You think you are a kind person? Yeah, too much kindness brings annoyness.

Shit, I don't even know why I am talking this when I don't even wish to talk about this.

Now, eff off and get a life.




I am not your one, idiot.

Friday, August 5, 2011

LOL

A: I don't see what's the problem with being best friends... Don't you think it's a true honour to be someone's best friend?
B: I guess you are right. Sorry. Being your best friend is really something to feel proud about
A: Exactly! I'll be telling him so the next time I see him!
B: (+.+)...

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Have You Ever

Have you ever reach your phone, stare at it hard, hoping that someone calls you or texts you?


Holding the mobile phone.

It didn't vibrate, it didn't ring.


I opened the message inbox,

scrolling and re-reading

all the messages you have sent to me.

I didn't smile.

I wished to smile.

But somehow,

I know I don't deserve a smile anyway.


That's what happens when I throw away

a key that unlocks my heart.


I clicked 'Create Messages',

and a window popped up,

with a blinking cursor,

perfectly imitating my heartbeat.


Hesitate... breathe... hesitate... breathe...


I closed the window.

Sighed.

I don't wish to be the one who stepped out

the first step.


Grabbed my phone again

stared at the blank screen.

And I sighed.



Have you ever stare at your live chat, hoping that someone onlines and chats with you?


Green... green.... orange.... red.... grey...

But none of it appeared to be your name.

I waited for the notifications,

but none came.

I saw your personal message

somehow hammers in my heart

filling with sarcasm,

you are shooting me with words of swords.

Or you aren't?


I opened the live chat,

scrolling down again

just to confirm I didn't miss your name.

No

Your name is still grey

I wondered when are you going to turn green?

Is it when I am asleep?

Is it when I am away?

Or is it never?

Because you have changed your ID?


I tried not to think too much.

I restarted my computer,

stupidly thinking that maybe my line is lag

perhaps a restart,

might reveal you are online.


"Windows 7 is starting up"

"Signing in..."

Squeezing the mouse tight.

Anxious.


The answer slammed on my face:

Stupid, indeed.



Have you ever look out the window, hoping to see someone passes by and invites you for meal?


I drew open the curtains

and looked at the empty road.

Although the orange light flooded the black road,

the night was still dark as my heart.


I had a feeling that you might pass by my house

calling my name

or even as silly as throwing pebbles on my window

just to ask me to come down

and see the gift you brought me

swaying in your hands

and a smile on your face.


The night was clouded over.

Someone had just painted the moon black.

A car passed by

I ran downstairs,

squatted by the road,

cocking my head out

and read every car number plate

hoping one would match yours.


My heart was clouded over.



Have you ever hope that someone would bring you out and spend the entire evening with you?


With everything so quiet

but my head was filled with voices

shrieking of my bad

screaming of my fear

sobbing of my sadness,

I wished you were here

by my side,

with your little head and hand

waggle and waggle

bringing more noise to my head

just to expel the rest.


I remembered you talk about the people

that you loved and hated

The friends

you have and lost


I remembered you came

just to let me breathe cold air

to silent my mind

and allow your voice

to calm my heart

so that I can sleep peacefully at night.


No nightmares

No insomnias


And now,

I just got my insomnia.




Wishing you were somehow here again~