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Saturday, October 29, 2011

Sand as Relationship

Why EMO?

Note: Thanks to my brother (bruder), our little chat inspire this to be written and posted. Credits are given 85% to him.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

[Happy Birthday, Blog]





Friday, October 21, 2011


Suddenly the temperature around me dropped significantly. I held my arms closed to my chest. I wasn't shivering. But I swore I could hear my heart tearing up every time I see the message. The feeling was gone. It seems like just hours ago when everything was just alright.

I barely hanging on...

I can't see the real smile anymore. I don't even think I saw the smile. Once in my lifetime, I realise, I have done a grave mistake. Getting up together but broken up inside. That's the worst feeling ever. For hating you, I blame myself. But I never hate you really. I only hate it when...

I really can't hang on...

I don't know if I can still apologise and get back the smile I used to see. I think I cannot see it anymore. I know I screwed everything up between us and everything. I hope I can rewind the time. I guess it is true that the 'thing' is repeating. I can't get myself right. I am always wrong when you are right.

Maybe I am wrong all the time. Maybe I have been in my fantasy for too long. This semester was meant to be a wake-up call for me. Gosh, when I wrote this blog, I think I can hear my heart crying. Those tears bounced against my stomach, feeling uneasy.

I used to complain the irritation you gave to me, now how I hope you come back and irritate me. I think it won't be. I don't know whether I am glad that I foresee this, or I am sad. I just wish things were back to where it was and how it was.

I can't hold on...

I want to collapse...

Seems like you are not eager enough to keep this thing between us strong, I see no point in me for keep trying. One hand can't make any noise. I used to crave for your hand for the clap. Now, I know - even though I am gravely hurt - that doing all this on my own is stupid.

What for I keep doing this while all you can do is ignore, cold reply and rejection?

The only way is not to contact you anymore until you feel like it.

I am sorry. I have to step back. I can't force myself to make it right. The more I do it, the more you think I am irritating. So, what for?

What for?

I fell...

Thursday, October 20, 2011

New Sem

Gone are those days when I can see my bruder almost every day and have meals with him. My time makes me barely even can see him. I am feeling the distance between us is getting further (or is it not?) despite the typing messages we sent.

Really missed those days I ate with him. Now everyone is busy. This and that. Whenever I think of eating, I feel very sour. I don't know why. It's as though something is lacking... Everytime I can only wish him well and imagine his words are pushing me forward. That's all.

Nothing but an imaginary friend? No! I don't allow that to happen. But, it is a reality that both of us are very busy. Well, I am not that busy. I have larger free space on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. But I doubt those times I can meet up with him.

Another thing is, I know it has come to a point that I have to let go of everything I hold dear of, except my family. I have been a very selfish person, stubborn and kepoh person. I don't know how many lives I have been mingling around and tampering around.

I have to stop.

Gone are those days... Reminiscing? I don't know. I think it's a bit early for that. Gosh, I am so hearing 'Tears for a Lost Friend' in my mind. I am getting insane!!!

I now understand. The path I have taken, the path I have chosen, to find out why and what and where the stories go, is never meant to be more than one. All days come from one day and that much I have known, I cannot change what's over but only where to go.

Alone must I to take the road I have chosen, for nobody else will take and uphold. All dreams shatter when you find them. The only way is to grimace and smile at the millions glittering pieces left.

I am so sorry to almost all of you. I have disappointed you all. I can't help much anymore. I therefore retreat to my cave. I am sorry I trouble you all. I no longer will do so.

I am sorry.


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Library Mate

Muah muah muah and muah to my friend for willing to spend time with me in the library to kill boredom, even though my friend has class.

Don't get it wrong, my friend didn't skip class. My friend just came to see me when the class ended. Yesterday was a shock because my friend waited for me till 815pm! I was so touched. I mean, my friend's class ended at around 5pm and yet...

Gee... I don't know what to say. I didn't even know my friend would be waiting for me!

Meet you up tomorrow!


Wow, I love this semester. I am sorry for bragging my semester timetable last semester, and now, I pretty much like it, except the fact that the lecturer and tutor from Financial Market and Regulation sucks.

Busy is how I mean it to be.

I sleep early, wake up early, have breakfast with a cup of coffee and go to school with a nice new backpack. Then when there is class, I attend; when there ain't class, I go to library. In short, I go home after 8pm everyday and go to school at 7.30am.

Uber kool!

There is no time to think other matters. All in my mind is just notes and words. Gosh, I even studied FMR 3 times today, before coming back! I am not trying to boast anything, but hey, I CAN ACTUALLY FOCUS! (well with some slight distraction)

Funny WeiVian (nah, I post your name here, don't ever say I never post it =P), I was eating with her and I helped her take the chopsticks, spoons and chilli sauce, she asked me, 'Do you ever feel like you are a gentleman when you do this for a girl?'

I am not going to say much on this. HAHA.

Today is great too! I met Dinesh and Ah Seng. Ah Seng still remains that friendly. Oh, Ah Seng, I miss your touch on me! LOL. I thank you for that 10 minutes. Without it, I am seriously nothing. You are the best!

I also saw Andy.

Gosh, I saw so many people today. YitMun? I saw her two times a day and saw her again a day before. And gladly (sadly?) it rains. I like rain. It gives me the serenity and thought.

AHh.... gotta get some sleep tonight. TOMORROW is yet another fighting day.

Thanks to JuanWyn, I am feeling much better!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Don't Talk To Me

Don't talk to me if you are taking beers or drug.

Damn, I prefer to be with my Malay friends. I don't know why I heard from my friends that when you reached 18 or 19 or 20 you HAVE to take beer. Stupid. It really sound stupid. Damn stupid. Since when this is a tradition?

I tasted beer before. That's because I was damn sad at that point. And it happened recently. I realised, beer is a foul thing, like a devil on Earth. What's the point? And one common thing I found (on my case) is those who take beer, their attitude seriously pissed me off.

Funny is one thing, but I don't like the rudeness, extreme craziness and face when they got drunk.

Immoral. Illicit. You are downgrading your status, friends. (I don't think 'friends' is the right term for it, maybe I should say 'pal' better)

I like Amirul better than anyone else I realise. LOL. He is a very very good brother to me. In just three days of meeting up, he's been checking everything on me is safe, secure, and happy. Good for him and me, we are meant to be good.

When I got my 'you-know-what', he is the one pushing much harder on me. He never fails me since last year semester 1. He is nice. I will forever be in less worry because he never drinks, smokes, let alone drugs. He is nice, polite, knows his own maruah and best, he is there when you need him

The ride on his scooter, in his car. I never get a feeling of being a pitied friend. I feel myself. I feel being really cared and not being pitied.

I am not an ill cat anymore.

Oh, June 2012 please come quick!!!

Friday, October 14, 2011


Sick of it. Totally!

Don't ask why. You should know.

If you think I am angry now, you are already making assumptions.


Thursday, October 13, 2011


Life is a bad joke. A real bad joke. I should be laughing off. But now I am trying.

I am sorry to my bruder. I keep bragging him about my feelings. I didn't cry but I keep shouting, asking myself why it happens. But, I didn't ask how was he. I feel bad. Am I a good person? Selfish and unkind. I hope he is OK now.


Hope he reads this:

Bruder, are you OK? Don't drink beer. We can talk, like the good old days. It's been 117 days... I wish I know how you are feeling right now. I send my spirit over to your side. Anything just talk to 'it'. XD.

I'm fine here. We will go through this together. Shoulder-in-shoulder, huh? =)

I didn't cry, I just shouted. The word 'cry' here means 'shout out loud', as in literature used. I hope you don't misunderstand. ^^ . Shit happens. Sometimes we all fall into deep shit, but I believe this is not a deepshit. Do you?

I salute to you everytime.

You have so many friends out there, you can have all the consolations you want. You can have all the beer you want (JOKE!). But I sincerely hope that, after you read this, it is much better than anything else (I am getting SS already. LOL!)

"We are family. We don't ditch family members", that's what you told me when I want to severe everything to you. XD. I don't know how hurt you are from this, but same goes to me, I can't teleport myself over there to you. The only thing I can do is type all this. I have been doing silly things in my life. But doing this to you, I don't think it is silly.

It is worth, More than worth.

We just need to be more careful sometimes.

I am also sorry to make you feel like I always depend on you. Yeah, you are right about "Because you trust me ma". I trust you. I believe in you. I feel safe whatever I say to you, whenever and wherever. That's why I chose you over the rest. It's not bias, it's conscience.

We have our obligations. But don't forget we have obligations against each other, too. ^^. You can shove me in the cupboard, but I still can reach out for you!

I am extending an invisible hand to you. Can you see it (duh! I said it is invisible already)? You can grab it and I will pull you up. Or you can place it on your shoulder so I can pat it. Or you can put it under your chin, so I can lift it up and let you see the sky still has its stars. Or maybe you can put it on your eyes, so I can wipe away anything that obscures your vision.

No matter how, you still have to take the invisible hand. ^^. That's an order. Cannot be disobeyed. Understood?

Alright it's getting late. I didn't go for supper with my friends just to post this up for you. No, don't say anything yet. I rejected the offer because I am feeling sleepy too. I just want to post this before I sleep. Perhaps you are out there drinking teh or beer. Perhaps you are sleeping, Perhaps you are taking care of someone.

Too many perhaps.

A good relationship doesn't require 'perhaps', no?

Alright. I have to sleep. Remember to take the invisible hand.



Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Line Drawing

My Bro & I

Sheesh, the title sounds so much like 'The King & I", that movie. What? Never heard of it? Never mind. Get along.

Throughout this semester break, hmm, I truly experience what Buddha had said 'Happiness is brief, and eternal happiness is difficult to seek'.

I am so glad that my bro (OK, my bro's name is Amirul) took me out for fun. There is this happiness which is very brief, like a nova. Short and bright. But I appreciate every second he is with me. My parents like him (even though my father was very sceptical of me going out with a Malay due to his 'traumatic' past).

I have never seen my parents are glad to see him.

It is sad that he is going to Egypt this Saturday. I feel like... hmm, sad (duh!). We had fun in joking around and watching movies.

Tell you one great thing about him. He is friendly, polite and definitely a joker. When I was sitting next to him watching movie, I feel a sense of calm and safe aura emanating from him, as if I am protected from all sorts of danger, from a contagious virus infection (the movie "Contagion"), to nuclear warfare and even to the total shutdown of the Universe.

Sometimes, I feel like, I want to stay close to him just to feel safe. Yeah, I am that timid like a mouse. I guess most of you have found that by yourselves. He is the only person in the world (up to this stage, ok) that I can feel someone in my reflection. It is as if, what I said, he could understand perfectly and vice versa.

Argh, it's hard to explain it here.

Watermelon and foxes. I hope if he is reading this, will giggle again. Haha.

The point is, I am not going to see him again in another year. =(. It's very awful that I only see him during PLKN (for which I didn't even talk to him, not even know him yet) and then a year ago by a chance or fate, which he came to Kampar to visit me before going back to Egypt.

He has been here for two months and now he is going back.

Gosh, it feels like he is tha Captain of the Flying Dutchman, that only resurfaces every 10 years. Except, which, of course, he appears every year once. I guess SiewCheng was right about relationships: the more you see the person, the more emotional tied up you have with the person and the more chance you are going to ruin it.

Maybe distance between me and Amirul is the one keeping us close.

Paradoxical enough, huh?

Anyway, this semester break is really peaceful for me. Nothing to worry about. Nothing to care about. I can do whatever I wish: playing piano, writing novels & short stories, doing experiments, plucking herbs and fruits from my garden, hanging out with my bro...

I am just glad my handphone is really quiet, with only an occasional message.

Alright, my experiment is calling me to check on the updates already.


Saturday, October 1, 2011


TTM is sometimes good. It reflects what you have done, whether correctly or otherwise.

In my life, I have told Dominance and nobody else, I am doing something which nobody has the guts to do it. And that comes with a terrible price, but I am already paying it for how many years? Erm, 9 years? I lost counted already.

But I accepted it silently. Who else can I tell how much I actually suffer before I met the Music or Dance club people? If I do tell, I am whining. I keep telling myself, I should be a man and I should not whine like a girl. So, this darkest secret I have kept to myself, maybe forever. Or maybe not. Maybe if I can find someone who actually pays attention to what happen to me, or pay attention for who I am, then I am ready to share it with this someone.

Unfortunately, meeting this person is somehow below the possibility of zero.

So, as I've said, I keep it to myself.

Nobody knows why I write songs.
Nobody knows why I write novels.

This deepest feeling in me never shows. I am like a torn rose. You can see the brilliant colour of it, but you can't see the secret cracks in it. Sometimes I crave for someone to really mend my cracks. Sometimes I crave so hard that I hurt myself on the way.

"Just let it be," my friends told me. "Don't force."

Did you all know how it feels like when you are trying to be strong while inside, pieces of you started crumbling down in no hopes of return?

The cravings. It makes me meet nice people very desperately. This cravings make all the Cycles to happen. And during this quiet semester break, I have found many ways to learn how to elevate my own feelings. It's right about "What hurts most, is being so close".

Besides the things belong to my family and myself, as well as the Taiwan gifts from previous Student Exchange, I have thrown away every little thing that is not belong to me. Be it a bookmark or just a simple decent card.

I just have to throw.

It's like discarding junk memories. No point keeping into my mind while I keep thinking about it. Why not just discard it? I never felt so good after cleaning up, especially my room in Kampar. I think 30% of my stuffs are thrown away, even though they are memorable.

I don't keep things that has no value, nor usage. So, I am not sorry to throw some of your things away.

Speaking of sorry, I hate people doing things just to please me or make me happy. I really want to tell you guys that, when we are sad, we must cry to release the tension building in it. Sometimes I hold it till I get home to do whatever I want to liberate that energy. And because I hold it, it looks as if I am emo.

No, I am not emo. I am having an emotional constipation.

And don't make people happy when they are sad. It feels extremely awful.

You don't make people diarrhoea when they have constipation. Yes, you get the point.

Instead of making me happy, I just wish to be understood what happened and with a warm hand on my shoulder, around my neck, clasping my hand or whichever suits you and tell me "It's OK. We will get this through together."

That's what I want to hear. Not "Cheer up", not "TTM lah you", not "Don't emo" and definitely not "Go to sleep and have a rest"

I am selfish. I like what I want to hear. If I don't get to hear what I want, just eff off. Simple as that.

Here, I would like to take a chance to say out to someone special thoughout my semester break:

"I am glad you text me everyday and joke with me. I am glad you grip on my hand, ignoring what people see or say, just to tell me 'I got you'. I am glad you make me understand what's a friend really is. You make me know how to find my happiness when there is something I don't wish to see"

You are the first male beyond my secondary school mates to be recognised by my family. My parents like you very much. Too bad you always been away...

I remember how we met but never talk. It is fate. Really. It's 1 year before I actually know your name. Silly billy me....