Friday, December 16, 2011


People boast. Don't deny that.

People say my life is boring. I don't club and I don't watch dramas. But I want to say something back, besides watching nonsensical dramas, what you've got in your life? I pity those people who grew up playing and watching TV.

I puke on that.

I am lucky to have lovable parents. They took me out to the park and play. They taught me how to look for centipedes and millipedes. They taught me those are rubber seeds, not stones and how they burst and flew across the park. They taught me how snail lay eggs.

They took me to a book fair where I can buy my favourite book. I didn't read as a child. I looked at pictures. I have a huge encyclopedia "for children" (the title) and filled with loads of British history, performing arts techniques, evolution, astronomy and culture as well as literature. I never read those. I gazed through. That's how I learn. I have photographic learning skills. I still can remember how Joseph Haydn perform for his father.

I bet you don't know who is he.

Let's throw out another name: Yuri Gagarin.

Doesn't ring a bell? Too bad... That's what I am worrying now. Youngsters nowadays have almost 0 knowledge on general knowledge. It's sad to even hear "Where is Eiffel Tower hah?"

My parents encourage me to read mostly because TV wasn't that great back then, only TV1, TV2 and TV3, while cartoons only show on 9am to 11am and Ultraman or Power Rangers in the evenings. So I watched only Batman, Robocop, X-files and of course National Geographic.

I have a piano to play with and a huge stack of paper to draw with. My parents encouraged creativity. There I am, writing novels and short stories, composing songs, teaching performings, drawing fantasy animals and even invent technologies to manipulate matter and energy.

Nowadays, people are just showing off gadgets and cars. Samsung, Toshiba and Apple. I am not really fancy into this, but so what if you have those gadgets? Your primary function of those aren't any different than a Nokia 3310.

I have a galaxy and universe map pasted on my wall, a period table full with crystalisation form and electrovoltage on my wall. I have a star chart. I have relativity equation. Alcubierre drive metrics. Krasnikov tube solutions...

I am lucky enough that I know more plants than my friends.
I am lucky enough to even know the Linnaeus Binomial species name. (If you don't know L.B,, you are forgivable because you are in the wrong category).
I am lucky enough to know how Earth was formed and when.
I am lucky enough to tell the entire evolution of animals from bacteria way up to Homo Sapiens.
I am lucky enough to play Mozart's masterpiece and Debussy's picture.

Now, let me ask you, if I take away your laptop and TV, and give you a Nokia 3310. Will you be able to survive?

I am disappointed to know that nobody knows who is Lewis Carroll or even Brothers Grimm.

Change your learning attitude youths! Learning is not confined to textbooks and formal education. Go search your own knowledge for knowledge equals infinity!

*Prays hard the next generation won't be like this

Photo Problem

OK, I changed my Facebook profile into Facebook Timeline. Seriously, I don't know what's the fuss about. I mean, Facebook was fine when I first used it. Then came the stalking ticker that shows what you have commented, shared, liked... making my porn moves a little difficult.

The point is, the Timeline thingy isn't all the much different. Just you can put a banner above your page and the statuses are still listed in chronological order and separated into left and right linked with a spinal time line. It looks like trachea and lungs. Hmm.

Anyway, I put my profile picture the one me and my two brothers close up. I like that photo. I feel the warmth from it. LOL. That's not the point though.

It's my profile picture.

People are claiming I look like a businessman with evil motives. My buddy call me a politician. A successful politician.


That smile...

Never mind. Random post anyway

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Favourite Food

Credits given to Japanese Monkey for posting up one of my favourite food and made me unable to concentrate on my studies. ;)

OK, first I want to declare that I am not picky. No food that turns me down. I am not like those who turns down on dried shrimp, broccolis (hey, it's me!), peas and petai. But, I do have certain food that I reduce my intake because of certain reason, for example chicken.

"You've got to be kidding, right?" <-------- your reaction

But, it's true. I don't take much chicken (Except in Kampar, because other meat is such rarities that I thought all other animals have gone extinct, especially fish @@). Chicken is oily, fatty... OK, I do sound like a girl trying to keep slim, but no, it's true. Pop a chicken into pot of water and observe what is drifting on the surface. And, chickens are often injected with hormones and antibiotics (I am not saying other meat don't have! At least they don't inject in fish, or do they?).

So, I eat no chicken at home.

"What do you eat?" <-------- your question

I eat veggies, fish and p*** (I am respecting Muslims here). Mostly I eat fish.

"Fish has high levels of mercury..." a nerd said.

Whatever. I am not here to argue science and pollution.

So, there is this list of food I love to eat, very much love. So love 'em that I always wish for a day I can eat it with my friends, special friends, and of course brothers (for now is only bruder. XD).

Here let me show you:

Note #1: It is referred from Disclaimer #2, go to Disclaimer #3.
Note #2: Read Disclaimer #5 as it has nothing related.
Note #3: I am joking!

1) Rojak.
For those international readers, it is a dish full of fruits and drizzled some spicy sauce made out of shrimp paste. Yeah, something like your fruit salad. But it is topped with peanut chunks. Nice!

 Actually, seriously, I don't like this picture of Rojak. LOL. I see that the gravy is too less. Way too less. I need more. Individual preference, so don't shoot me. You know, you cover the whole fruit with that gravy and sprinkle the peanuts on... yum yum, it's like Haagen-Dazs Ice-cream. OK, this is not a luxury food, but the concept is there! Don't ask me what those orangey things are in the photo, because [Read disclaimer below] and another thing for my preference is I don't want any crackers or kangkung in my rojak. Friggin' spoil the taste!

2) Fried Oyster with Egg
Penang food (OK, Penangites puh-leeeze stop saying "Oh, I know, Penang right? The best!") and I like it not because it is what it is. I like it because... I don't know, maybe the juicy oyster perhaps? But I never had the chance to eat much =(. I heard from someone said that it is expensive, and rather to "invest" in other food better than this. Invest huh. We eat and we have to evaluate it. =.=

Anyway I love the chilli sauce that matches with the juicy oyster. When the boiling oyster *BURST* the juice in your mouth, it mingles with the slightly sour chilli sauce and voila! You fainted!

 Oh, I can't get any better photos because [Read disclaimer below] and other photos are too... UNREAL, as if cooked with such caution that the egg is very very yellow and the chilli is very very red. =.=... You know, you've gotta try EVERY single fried oyster with egg everywhere. It tastes different! And don't you compare your hometown and other states and claim yours is better just because you like the hometown recipe. This is something we called "unique". You objective person!

3)Stinky Tofu
I ate this when I was in my Form 2 years, accidentally. It smelled like rubbish at that moment. Like something just brought up from the sewer or IndahWater. But hey, now I eat it like I am a hungry wolf (although wolf is carnivorous). I always order it at the nightmarket near my house (yeah, for those who goes clubbing often in Ipoh, it's THERE)

There are two different styles: Taiwanese and HongKong. Taiwanese is less juicier but more crunchy while HongKong, well, you know, vice versa. Now I prefer HongKong style because when you bite crunchy outer layer, the inner tofu just erupts in your mouth with all the juices and aroma of the yellow bean. Dip with a dark spicy sauce, coat it and put in your mouth, slowly chew it... the aroma... Ohh god!

 This is HongKong Stinky Tofu, more cube-y and juicy... But I don't like to eat it with the pickled veggies, it tastes so wrong (personal preference again, haha). So when I order this, I always tell the tauke to remove the veggies XD... This photo is better than the rest because [Read disclaimer below].

4) Minced Lamb Curry
I tell you, this is the best curry. The aroma of the lamb... mmmm. Lamb meat has lesser fat than beef or any other meat, especially Chicken because lamb store their fat in certain parts only (unless you buy lamb meat during winter time). My mum cooked this twice and with tumeric and 3 different ratios of spices, it kicks me up and eat two plates of rice. Serious!

You can also eat it with bread, something like capati wrapping it. I took to Kampar once, but I ate it alone. Maybe I will ask my mum (politely) to bring it over next time. Watch out for my FB notice guys! Hehehehe....

I got this photo from and it resembles much like my mum's cooking. But my mum prefer it to be less wet so that the natural fragrant from the lamb meat can absorb into the oil and spices. I personally don't like the green peas swimming in there because green peas will absorb the fragrant, although it balances the saltiness by inducing some mild sweetness into the curry. If there is a green pea, and I bite it, the pea will have lamb taste. No, don't say a word. It's like eating a bread that has fish taste. Personal preference, you can put it in as you like if you want your curry to have a little sweetness! Try it! The recipe is in that link! Go clickety click!

5) Fried Terubok
OK, I went to search for it's English name and it pops up this: Tenualosa toli or Chinese Herring or Toli Shad so, don't ask me how it looks like because you can still Google (R) it. Anyway, this fish is not for the faint-hearted because the number of bones is more than the number of your hair (joking). Serious, it has a lot of bones. Maybe two or three fine as hair bones per centimetre. But one thing great is you can eat the scales after you fry the fish. It's better than crackers! Dip it with some soy sauce and a bit of oil, you can eat 3 bowls of rice with just one fish.

Sadly, this overpriced fish is dwindling in number because of overfishing in South East Asia, but you can still buy it once a while. Don't buy it like you are buying anchovies (Bilis Fish, haha, no, it's Ikan Bilis). Most of the fish in Malaysia market comes from Sarawak! All hail Sarawak!!!

Ignore the myserious number at the lower right corner because [Read disclaimer below]. I don't know you guys like this fish, but its meat is very sweet, sweeter than catfish!


Before I begin, don't say I didn't warn you!

6) Kuih Chap
Seriously, I don't know what's its English name. It took me 1 hour to Google (R) the photo (because Sarawak style of this is very different. I am from Kedah, so you know...) and it took me another hour to find any meaningul translation. In the end...

I gave up.

This food is very nice for breakfast: salty brown thing and plain white thing in a aromatic soupy thing. OK, it's salted pork skin and flour in duck soup. In Chinese, kuih chap means flour juice. Yucks! Anyway it's good for breakfast, with protein, fat and carbohydrate, with H2O to help in digestion too! Usually you can eat it with Yau Char Kuey. And it tastes very nice! I can only find it in the Northern states like Penang and Kedah, I can't find it in Perak... =(. So I only eat it when I go back to my birthplace...

This is the right photo. Other photos provided look more like bak kut teh than this, just because they are Sarawakian style. All hail Sarawak!!!

7) Bak Kut Teh
OMG, I remember my uncle taught his son that this food in English is "meat bone tea". I faint at such sight!

I tell you, it is nutritious but heaty. Do not take it on hot weather! Either you get pimples, or fever. Unless the one you eat is actually not boiled herbs, but already pre-packed herbs. It's difficult to find nice bak kut teh. But anyway, show you the pic and save me from typing:

Above:  In case you don't know what is Yau Char Kuey, this is it

Disclaimer #1: All this [Read disclaimer below] refers to the Disclaimer #2 below.
Disclaimer #2: Disclaimer: Disclaimer #2 actually refers to Note #1 above.
Disclaimer #3: All photos are taken from elsewhere. See Disclaimer #4
Disclaimer #4: I am handsome. See Note #2.
Disclaimer #5: Photos are taken from Google(R)
Disclaimer #6: I do not intend to irritate you. See Note #3.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Suit Tastes

I am a man who suits people tastes. Oh God.

I remember once,
I was going for a drink, I called up my friends who love to drink and chitchat with me.
I was going for Harry Potter, I rang my Potter-friends to watch with me.
I was going to cook something, I brought my hungry friends to eat.

And I am very sad to see that none of them could do the same till I made the offer.

I am afraid of celebrating my own birthday without my family, because I know nobody will celebrate with me.
I am afraid of asking people out because they don't like me go to the bookstore for even 2 minutes.
I am afraid of celebrating people's birthday because I can see that how lonely I am.

Nonetheless, I have to get strong =).

I am born alone, not born as twins, not born with soul friends, unless I am an Avicor which two birds are meant to fly together, mate together and lay the eggs together. Avicor is fictitious, but I am no fiction.

If I were to fly, I have to fly it myself. =)


I don't know why you all like to lie to me. I fucking hate lies. Because I am emotionally unstable so you tell lies? Whatever. I don't know who am I to you or who are you to me anymore. Trust me, I don't want to know because I hate people tell lies to me. Every time a lie pops up, the hurting truth appears.

Fuck that shit.

I hold on to my words. I slapped myself awake, I punched myself in the stomach. I needed to wake up. And I did, I just vomited after punching myself up. Don't care to look at my bruised body, because I will tell the same lie you tell me. I don't like telling lies, so I won't. So that means I won't talk.

You guys are liars, fucking liars!

Now, besides my real family, I am not going to trust you guys anymore. On acquaintance level? Maybe. Friends? Lower possibility. Best friends? Deleted. That's it. Weivian was right. I shouldn't have placed too much trust.

My parents are right about friendship. My parents knew all way long and I didn't listen. I dedicated a wrong portion of time to a wrong person. Always.

Now I take that portion away and give it to myself. Don't care. Too many times I make a mistake, and too many times I never wake. This time, after battering myself, I woke. I only torture myself twice, this is the third time.

Yes, I am a psycho. I am a lunatic. So?

Just get the fucking way off from me! It's my life and I am born this way!

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Slappity Slap!


Ouch.... not?
Hmm, I remembered when I was in primary school, there was this one psycho teacher who asked us to slap ourselves whenever we did something wrong. She said, "I won't cane you because it's not my responsibility to cane you. You did something wrong, you have to bear the responsibility. You did something wrong, you have to punish yourself. Why ask me to cane you?"

And thus: *PIAK~!*

I woke up from a slap. It's... enlightening, I tell you. When you are blur, lost or pissed, give yourself a nice tight slap on your cheek. That slap, sparks fire. I am a lunatic, I know, but who doesn't know that? *troll face*

I remember the first time I beat someone up. I slapped him on the cheek till he got internal bleeding. The red veins that pulsed under his thin pale skin while he cried and begged for me to let go. I held on to his arm and continued slapping him for 5 minutes.

Those rosy cheeks, are rosier than rose. *troll face*

Anyway. Just a random blog.

*PIAK~!* Haven't you got something else to do?

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Soul Friends

If only I have someone like myself, no gamble, no beer, no clubbing... and someone who can feel the same thing as I do, that would be awesome. Really awesome.

Damn, how I dislike people doing that three no-nos! I think it's a trend. Whatever.

I got envious yesterday. LOL. I saw my friend is being taken out for ENTIRE day because his friend said he had to take a time off from the studies, so they went and played for one whole day. Don't ask me whether they involved in the three no-nos, I don't want to know. I just know he came back after midnight... @@, more than 24 hours of fun: movies, eating, strolling...

Ahhh.... sentimental.

It's much better than the three no-nos. Walk around the streets while chatting, sit inside a quiet restaurant, play computer games together etc.

Gosh! They are actually 'dating'! LOL! I don't mind, because they are good friends. You should see how they celebrate each other's birthday! It makes people wish to have such friends. =). And of course, because of this, I started to TTM. I wonder when I can get some friend like them.


Back to reality.

Soul friends are getting rarer and rarer through time. Let's make a new move!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Formalities vs Informalities

I want to get crazy with friends. The older I get, the lesser crazy friends I've got. People keep boasting about how close between them and me, keep saying how proud they are to have me, keep saying love you to me etc


Sadly, it's not me.

I want to feel being loved. I want to get crazy with all the jokes on Earth. People have been cautious and thinking thrice before telling me a joke. They are so afraid that their jokes went beyond sex, nudity, torture, discrimination and violence.

I mean, come on. =.=

Nobody knows my true colours now. The older I get, the more people think I am slightly serious, but never crazy.

Oh how I missed those days I sliced my dick and catered for the girls. Oh how I missed the days where we tugged each other shirts and laughed like idiots.

Face it, there isn't anyone like this now

Sunday, November 27, 2011


Anglerfish, like its name suggests, has an angler on its head. Here, let me show you:

Ugly huh? Well, this post oni focuses on the group Ceratiidae, or Sea Devils.

Well, while most of them have luminous tips of the angler for luring prey, some has elaborated anglers, like this Linophryne type:
Here's the true colour picture:

Then there is another, which is the opposite - it's angler is hung below its mouth:
The true colour picture of this is up up above this post, the last row, the centre one.

Now, I could have written a very long article on this. But, no, I won't. I don't want this to be long. So, I am going to get to the point, no more ketam-ing (crapping). OK, here it is.

When scientists have been collecting Ceratiidae, they are puzzled to find out that only female specimens are found. And there are always parasites found attaching, sometimes more than one, on the underbelly of the fish.

After several examination, the scientists realised that the parasites are actually male fish!

At birth, the male fish is equipped with extremely sensitive olfactory organs to sense female and their sole destiny is just to find the female fish (Awww!) The digetive and alimentary canals of the male is already stunted.

When the male found the female, it will secrete an enzyme to digest the skin of his mouth and her skin after biting on her. (Ouch!) And fuses the pair down to blood vessel till two become one (Awww!)

Then the male atrophies its organs, first is its digestive tract, the brain, hearts and eyes till all that's left is just the male gonads, or reproductive organs, some develop huge testes (@@) which release sperm in response to hormones in the female's bloodstream indicating egg release.

So whenever the female needs to reproduce, her partner is ready for sex. Ever ready. Ever...



Hmm, seems like yesterday everyone was into alcohols. You know, I got sick with these. Beer. And they don't even know the real process of making commercialized beer. How pathetic! When they want to have fun: Beer. When they are emo-ing: Beer.

Beer is the solution?

Everybody is going down to Ipoh, just for that. I think I feel disgraced about that. My state as a place for 'beer-ing'. How great.

Anyway, I am not going to talk about those. Those are the trends. "If you are old enough, you should visit those places". It makes my face turns into this: =.=

So yeah, yesterday I came back from PJ with tired and hungry soul. It was raining and I walked back from McDonald's. The footsteps I have taken, slamming those energy into my weakened heart. I have realised that who are the ones I can turn to when I have problem.

It was a pleasant thought. Seriously.

I am happy I made my first step to somebody. A Rogula. For me, Rogula is always there whenever I need help. Always. Unless you count sleeping time and bathing time and meal time in. While everyone was busy making assumptions out of me such as "he doesn't play DotA; he doesn't drink; he is weak", I think Rogula is the one truly understands.

We are just like twins!

I mean, we have the same likes and dislikes!

How great can that be! A total similarity that reflects over its axis!

I don't like people to suit my taste. I want them to do whatever they want. If they feel I am left out, I seriously don't wish them to act like my way and have time with me. You think that's great consoling people? Nah, in me, I am ripping myself into pieces.

I hate people take pity on me when I am not pitiful.

I prefer people to be like me. Like a reflection. Then we can go a long way from there. Just like Rogula. You can't have believed how fast things grow between us, even we didn't meet each other much. But I learn a lot from Rogula and so does he, without pressure.

We are on equal terms.

I have reforged myself. Instead of pursuing fantasy dreams of relationships, I prefer this one. Seriously. I bet many of you (except those who are from NS) know what I like and dislike. Most of you get it because I sometimes slip it out from my mouth, but is that the true one? Maybe. But definitely not wholly.

So before you say what I like and dislike, I think you better think twice. No, I don't want to be taken out for dinners because nobody takes me out. No, I don't want to be taken out for fun because nobody takes me out. No, I don't want to have fun because you want to see me smile.

There is definitely more to those than those. If you can't figure it out, then don't do all these to me and I will be a happy bunny. The reason why you can't figure it out is because I don't even want to tell you. Not even a try.

So, yeah, I have reforged myself. After the meeting, I got some new missions now. Hypochlorus action. I won't wait for you anymore. The moment you say "next time", is another cross-out I made on my list. So those of you have said this, you should know what's "left" on my list.

I am not being strict on relationship. I am being cautious. I am a person who puts a lot of hope in people. In return, I don't want to get disappointed. That's why.

So, have you said "next time" to me many times before?

Thursday, November 24, 2011

It's My Life

I am pathetic. I admit. After sending false messages saying 'I am Fine', I decided to take a major step backwards and head to my left. In fact, I think I am in a need to ditch everyone I know.

I hope some peculiar solar flare erupt and send down huge amounts of super-charged particles to disrupt the bio-electrics of the human bodies, especially the neurones. I want people to have their memories erased. I don't want to know them anymore and I don't want them to know me anymore.

People used me, even my closest friend. I should never let people know I can speak English, I can draw and I can play piano. That's why I found my secondary school years happy. Nobody knew I can play piano. Nobody did... *sob*

I have being asked to do this and that because of my so-called "expertise". I can't find my real happiness in Kampar anymore. Who really appreciates me? Who? I don't want to know anymore. I am tired. I am sick. People are getting their laughters while waiting for me to complete the job, worse, healing from ill.

Why do I get so whiny nowadays? Menopause perhaps.

I want to escape. Escape to a place where I can live properly and not being used. Of course that place doesn't exist. *sob* I don't want to do this anymore. I feel like crouching at a corner, doing my favourite things. Till now, nobody ever knows who am I.

What they know is I play dota, I write songs, I write stories and I draw.

What they don't know, is... *sob* I don't want to talk about it anymore. This year has been my most miserable year in my life.

You go ahead with your life.

Why the hell am I always thinking of others when I am having fun? Since I was a child, I always bring back something nice that I have been through or to and give it to someone I treasure. Unfortunately, I didn't meet anyone like this here.

I am still doing this till now. I bring good things and memories and give it to someone I treasure.

Now, I am sitting down and question myself for the purpose of doing this. I am not able to rest properly and I am not able to enjoy life properly here.

I don't want to talk more. I need to be alone. I don't wish to put any hope on anyone anymore. Hope means disaster for me.


Strong Heart

It would seem that I am weak huh? Irregular heartbeats, sensitive to sugar level, sensitive to preservatives and additives...

And one thing is, I keep complaining it to people.

Eff it!

I remembered I said I won't whine one effing bit of word about my being. I remembered I am being labelled as 'Sick-O' and 'Psycho'.

Eff it!

I won't do that again. I won't. I don't care. If I am sick, I am sick. If people ask me to do something while I am ill, I just tell them I am not able to do it YET. I won't tell them I am ill. I am sick of people trying to taunt me. SICK OF IT.

Who the eff you are to have to know I am sick right? It's my body, my mind and my soul. It's not effing yours. I know it. So don't you effing worry about it.

My wellbeing, can only be known by my family. If I feel I am not quite right, I will only tell my family. At least they know what's going on. So, who are YOU to know? Even if you know you still pass me tasks to complete. What, you mean you can't draw those wood on your own? Eff it! That's a pretty lame excuse!

I shouldn't have told people I can speak English.
I shouldn't have told people I can draw.

This place is full of shit and junk. You all just want to use me. Nobody truly understands how to treasure and acknowledge.

Eff it!

I don't want to talk anymore.

I am glad the only one who is so supportive now is Rogula. Tomorrow, to hell to those people who keeps demanding my work. It's NOT MY WORK. You want it, you GO DO IT YOURSELF.

UNsunkerable creatures.

Monday, November 21, 2011


For a person who was very less affected by emotions (notice the italicised word "was"), I was being called as a bitch, or something equivalent, but none-the-less.

OK. Done.

Because of recent bickering and arguing, it all simmers down (I think I used too much 'boils down' in the previous posts, did I?) because of my shitty attitude. I always have high expectation on someone who does thing well. I demand near-perfect results (I mentioned I was a bitch, didn't I [notice the italicised word again please]?).

So, now, in tertiary education, my old habit didn't wane (look, even though I italicised the word above, it is still a past tense because:) but at least it got better. All these shitty things invaded into my private relationship. Between my friends. I demand so much that when they are unable to fulfill it, I got pissed. Oh, I mean I pissed off ("I got pissed" means macam "I kena kencing")

Fortunately, my wise mind is back after all those weeks of seclusion. Hate someone or hate something because of someone. That is two great polarity difference. If you hate someone, it is impossible. Nobody is born to be hated.

If so, you have discrimination discrimination.

Nope, that was no typo, guys. Discrimination discrimination means you have a dicrimination gene to be discriminating. Whatever. That's not the point.

The point is, the 'hate someone' thing is nothing.

So what about hate something because of someone? That's common, in me especially. If you don't do it well, I hate you. Period.

For me, I have to learn how to be more forgiving. I am only forgiving when my mood is right, or I will condemn the fellow till one day I question myself "Why I did so?", then only I forgive. It's not right, you know.

I have been living under many forgiving people, and I didn't learn anything from them (seriously?). I don't give people chances, unless I think they are like my protege or someone talented enough to impress me.

Yeah, you can call me bitch again. But please, I am trying.

Hate, is not a good thing, definitely. As you have your relationship with anyone, just love them wholeheartedly. There might be nothing as a very very smooth relationship, but relationship grows through conflicts and interests. Minimise the conflict and maximise interest, I think it is one of the ways to move on.

For the past few weeks, my attitude was somewhat extreme. Yes, I am aware of that. At least. But it's true we all need time, but we need it sooner than later, because we don't want to have a regretful life. I have regretted my past, but this time, when I have all the love I can get from my family, brother and the fun from my friends, that, in fact, is my most wonderful stepping out moment from being bitching.

I thank you all. Seriously.

One day, I will fulfill my status as "Father of Friendship" once again. For that, I promise.

Sunday, November 20, 2011


Woke up at 7.40am today, thought someone rang me up. No. Just my imagination, fell back to sleep, but woke up again at 8.15am.

Today I don't know what I should do. Since yesterday, my head starts to ache again. I can't stop seeing myself being a jerk. The feeling of having a thin line that I am holding onto to link with someone and some group... the feeling of that line is so weak that I put immense energy to preserve it.

Now it's going to snap.

I put so much effort on that line, because there is someone I love there. Someone I finally found after so many years. Someone I thought I could feel finally settled.

Now it's going to snap.

"Normal is enough, don't need to push so far," my friend said to me.
"What for? What for are you seeking this? I thought you have better life mission," another told me.
"You're just not paying enough attention to this," someone said.
"Both different worlds, and you expect to seal it together? Come on, it's like Mars combining with Earth, it's colliding, not combining. You would have expected that!"

You know what, guys? He is my brother. We never really fight before, we are just merely dissatisfied over each other's attitude or behaviour once and then we hug and that's it. It comes like a radio wave, with its crests and troughs.

If he doesn't choose to tell me the problem he faced, I am OK with it. I respect his decision. We are men anyway. We have our ego to keep things to ourselves. I doubt that I didn't do so, too. It's just because we are so rarely meet up, I tend to watch over him ever much more closely, don't letting him fail.

Because I do so, I tend to get hurt when I see him fail and never tell me, see him happy but never bother to check on my happiness. That was silly, I totally agree. My friend told me, if the line is well established, there is no need for me to put some lights and decors all over the line like a Christmas light wire. Electric current will just flow whenever it is needed.

Since yesterday, I slept and woke up now, I realise how much stupid mistake and acts I have done. I haven't even said thanks for yesterday. I remembered he told me 'I will tell you, but I won't tell you everything' so I guess that part yesterday was included in 'everything'.

I used to tell myself, if this is a Cycle, end it fast and bright, like a supernova. Don't drag it till both of us suffer.

Now, I just, frankly, let it be.

After yesterday's night, I know who to trust, who to be with, who to care and who to seek.

Lack of communication makes me understand that, I am very dependent on communication. Therefore, I know what to do now.

The line?

Just leave it hanging in there, just like my friend had said. There's nothing I can do about it. People talk about leaving networks as we go, so I just do that. No point trying to decorate that line in elaborate fashion while the true line is still as feeble as a silk.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Leave the Message On

One thing I seriously don't like is my messages turn unreplied. I think it's rude. Very rude. I mean, what's the point when I seriously want to care about someone and all the messages (maybe not all) are not replied?

Wasting my credit.

Throughout this semester, I am fighting a monster in me, a demon. My friend asked me, "Why aren't you like the one I know you before? You turn vulnerable. Like precious glass." Well, what can I say?

I lost myself. Terribly. And I miss myself.

JuanWyn was (is) right. There is no such thing as best friend. Ah Wei said, "Who are you? You are MZ wor. You are the strictest, fiercest and toughest person. You are MZ, must be strong." But I think my brother is my best friend (or at least).

Although he didn't reply my messages
Although he always say he is busy (even he's got time to go out play)
Although he says he has no problem (yet he tells people he has)

I don't mind. Really. Somehow this relationship has got me immune. It's like, go ahead and have fun without me, I am nerd. A NERDY NERD. I have fun with chatting with my friends, joking with sarcasms and playing piano.

I don't dance. I don't drink. I don't swim. I don't... anything else!

It's me. It's fucking real me.

I was once a guy who doesn't give a damn on any feeling. A hardcore ass-splitting bastard. Where's that me? I only gave my feeling to performance, and nobody else. And now it seems like I have defied myself.

I keep telling myself to regress, but the only thing that keeps from doing it is my brother.

Is it wise? Is it not?

I am not going to question myself, for fearing schizophrenic symptoms got worse. Anyway, my Rogula taught me a new trick: pray. Chant the mantras. Your best friend is your family and god. God and family will always be there when you need them.

***The number you have dailed is currently out of service, please try again later or contact your local service provider***

Friday, November 18, 2011

It's A Bad Day

It's not that bad after all.

I see you asking me "When are you cycling home?"
I replied, "Around 1pm. Why?"

There wasn't any reply till I saw you grinning in front of my house when I reached home. That grin made me somewhat a little better. The little burger you held between your palm, asking, "You hungry? I haven't eaten yet, maybe we can sit down and have some burger before we go, k?"

Even though you said you haven't eaten, you are the one who kept stuffing my plate with food.

I am really grateful. You are supposed to do your assignment, but you still came over. I feel... I don't know. I am just really grateful to know you. And thanks to you, I am feeling much better, hopefully tomorrow will be another great day, despite my midterm coming (T.T).

You know what's great about you?

You are like a shifting shadow. Whenever I feel like I need someone, you are there for me. You are always there. I am not sure whether you skip class or not, but you keep saying you only take 3 subjects in this semester.


It's not a bad day with you.

I am looking forward to see more of this rainbow-y day with you, if you are able to. =D

For now, I have to figure out my dinner again.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Don't Blame Me

Don't blame me. It's just that I feel very vulnerable in my past till it makes me feel like I am a shattered-but-pieced-up glass. That's why when I have some great relationships which I wished for, I tend to do whatever it takes to protect it.

If it even means boiling down to pure jealousy.

It's not my fault. Just like my serious, hard-ass face. It's because of my past, I have this stucked face on me. So, if I appear to be bothering you too much, protecting you too much, you should be aware that I am really treasuring this kind of relationship till I never intend to let it go.

"Your eyes perceive, not see. Don't blame the photons shooting at your retina to spoil your mood. Blame your brain for perceiving those neural signal negatively.
Photons from what you see are innocent. Spare them."

This is what I wrote on Facebook just now.

So, I guess I know several mistakes of mine when I sense one. Just thank everyone who has their patience on me. I think something from Zhi Bin has 'contaminated' me. Thanks!

And of course my brother, who suffers the most from my emotional turmoils, and still forgiving.

My girl friends (please notice the space between the word 'girl' and 'friends') who sometimes lift my soul up when I thought the world is grey.

Hey, weather has its patterns. So I have to bear in mind that it is my own perception. I have to control it now. The photons are still innocent

Photons, you are so unbiased that I SALUTE YOU!!!!

Monday, November 14, 2011


I think I have schizophrenia (for those who doesn't know what I mean, go watch Singaporean dramas. Typical)

I chat with my brother with a tone, but while texting, I type more towards my own feelings. Am I feeling that the distance between me and my brother is further than I thought? And does that mean that causes me to feel the strangeness while chatting straight from heart?


Saturday, November 12, 2011

Lost without Words

Dramatic drama last night nearly spur into something unimaginable. I nearly made my brother utterly, utmostly, extremely sad and disappointed and hurt. It is unforgivable. I keep telling myself this.

I dumped him here and there like a sandbag. I never thought how he felt when I did so.

I remembered watching C & O. I remembered seeing how O waited for C to cool down every time C got furious or frustrated. O is the one who is so patient and still keep things hold together.

I remembered watching Frodo and Sam. Even though Sam is just Frodo's gardener, in the end of time of War of the Rings, the relationship they developed, through trust and love, in the end, shows that it is inseparable. Even did they separate, even the tears fall, Sam still has Frodo as his best master, or friend.

Now, I have one such person on my side and I didn't appreciate just because I am too protective over him till I focused too much. He is my main driver of energy and every time I lost him, I hate him. I am being childish I know.

After yesterday's drama, I realised many stupid things I have thought. Just because he is busy, then I started to avoid him and get another life just to make myself believe I can live through this. Just because he is having fun, I went to make crazier prank on people just to show myself I can be fun.

What is this all about?

If he is that active and fun, why should I follow? My heart used to tell me I should be like him. A twin. But it didn't. It didn't turn up as both of us like Rogulas. We are more like Avicors. Two dragon-birds that bound to be caring for each other, but not bound to be like each other (WARNING: the word "like" here means "alike", not "love"). I have to tell myself over and over again that it is his life and this is mine. It is impossible I ram into his life.

Anywaym long live the brothers!

Friday, November 11, 2011

Rain Over Me

Seriously this 'Rain Over Me' song sounds like Old McDonald Had A Farm, in which the rhyme goes 'Ee-aye-ee-aye'. LOL. Don't beat me, fans. I am just being... crappy.

I am in the library now, facing the window that shows the sky being divided into two halves. One is grey and another in white. Two totally different weather climate. Stormy and clear. Perhaps it is meant to depict my heart inside? I dunno.

Lately I have been feeling different. Feeling relieved that at least the pressure in my mind has successfully dispersed into everyone around me and received better auras. True, previously I have been pouring all my life into a single person and I always tell myself I only trust that single person. Now, I am sprinkling it all over. Haha.

I had fun with everyone this week, at least not to bother something that has the possibility slightly above zero on the scale. LOL. Mixed around more with Vancy and the gang, like Chin Min, joke with Wei Vian, saw Siew Cheng and JiXuan, usual partnering with Puay Cian and Sock Thing, got 'taken' care by Rachel and the sarcastic gang, talked super lot with many people like Zhi Bin and Dinesh as well as Andy.

Countless of people. Love you guys. At least my time is not about just waiting for a single reply or people to spend with me. ^^. Wai Hong is true all along.XD.

And one more thing, first came Nicara, then came Areiqira and Tyr-Hura Khan, now comes the new family of Othripus Lords ---- Aradnere! He is Dinesh. Hehe. So plus me, as Neruvatar, there are five of us now! I am keen to give him a name. Now I will call him Aradnere instead of Dinesh now.


Well, there is a major cock-up about the 11.11.11 thingy. For me, it might mean something like spending with someone special as the double '1' could mean anything like couple. Since I don't have any gf, or anything close to special (When the special-ed one was apparently to be too busy to spend time with me more), I think it's already 'self-compensating' that I have someone else already.

Sheesh, sounds horrible.

No, it isn't. I assure you. I am merely pointing the fact that I am just too focus on someone else last time. Now it isn't. Hehe... Well, gotta study now! Just recovered from ill yesterday, gotta take care of my self. Thanks to my twin!

Thursday, November 10, 2011


Stupid coined word. A person who is very prone to emo is described as being 'emotical'. Really. It's a stupid word. Don't ask why and where that word comes from.

I don't know it is worth writing, but hmm, Zhi Bin's H2O campaign keeps hitting me at the back of my brain like this campaign is to mean something. It's not any sense of deja vu. It's like something I have missed. Anyway, I am glad we finally talked.

Yeah, go ahead and asked who made the first move. Yeah, it was me (what? You didn't expect it?)

I am glad, seriously. More than glad perhaps. I think he is one of the person (only) that I can see myself in him. Hehe.

Anyway, move on.

People have been asking me about "Sayang" here and there. And I wondered why. What, you mean when you see me you have to see him too? Well, bad news, I ain't with him very much in this semester, maybe the next as well.

Nah, nothing has gone wrong (insofar). Did I miss him? Err, I don't know. The main thing I miss the time I spend with him like last semester. Yeah, he is busy, so what can I do? Wait patiently? No, I did something more beneficial. So I guess, I can put him behind my back for some while till he is free (which the probability is close to anywhere above zero. LOL). So why wait for something?

So yeah, I didn't make any move to SMS him or anything because everything will be just washed down the drain. So, advice for this semester: don't waste money on fruitless effort.


OK. I don't have much time to write this blog either. I have a bigger thing to come with this Saturday. So, sorry blog, I can't write much or draw something on you, but please be patient yeah. I still come back to you.


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I am Sorry

I am sorry to everyone I have mistreated today. There is any chance that my emotions might be carried over to tomorrow. I think it won't too, because something beautiful has just happened to my life today.

Wonderful Wednesday.

I think back and OK, I admit. I am not a good brother. I can't even take care of myself and I go and kepoh take care of other people as my brother. Why? I don't know. I think instead of "I won't paktor unless I can treat my friends well", I should have this "I won't have best friends unless I can treat myself well".

I just simply don't deserve it. I hurt too many people sometimes because of my emotions. And they are not worth to be harmed by my emotions. It's not fair. It's just not.

Tomorrow is Thursday already. I haven't study one bit. Maybe I stepped the wrong direction last week. I don't want to look back. Things got worse already. Certain people's relationship with me is already devastated several times. The sense of trust is already crippling.

I should retreat. I should think back how I survived those years alone and I shall do the same. I am sorry. I can't have best friends now till I am done with myself. Enough said.

It's clearer and clearer that in my life, differences make us apart.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


It's drizzling.

I have a surge of feeling developing in me and I want to tell someone about it. I need to share. I need to release. The surge is like a tidal stress, stressing my heart at its polar. It is as if my heart is going to blow any time sooner.

People say, distance is not everything. Sometimes distance makes both people closer. True? I don't know. I think I start to feel the same. Recently, I can hear some tone from my friends whom I met and be with every day with some snort of irritation, annoyance and "please-be-quick-at-your-point-'cuz-I-don't-want-to-hear-every-single-bit".

It kinda hurts you know.

So, maybe I screw things up. Maybe I am a little too much dependent. Life without someone is body without soul. Is that a true proverb? Whatever. Who cares.

I also heard someone today telling me that I have hurt people's heart indirectly and unintentionally. I am truly sorry! T^T I didn't mean to! Sometimes I made up hurtful stories to someone just to make that someone can be the character of my hurtful stories. I am telling B how better of is A treating me doesn't mean I complain about B, I am just wanting B to know that I hope B can be A.

Ah, Aquarius. Curious and complicated. =.=

F has been constantly asking me is it worth for whatever I am doing now, including treating somebody so nice that that somebody didn't even care a shit about me, or at least some shit.

I answered, I don't know. I have to keep trying. It's not like I have failed my first friendship once. It's been numerous times. I have to keep trying until I hit the right buttons. It's tiring, depressing, frustrating.

But I just keep trying. A mindless robot to everything.

Sometimes Rachel does help me sooth things out a bit. Whenever I talk to her, even though not about my personal stuff, at least she is paying attention. I can release a little pressure out from my over-boiling kettle.

Oh, I don't know. Everyone's been busy and I am like, standing in the middle of the ocean staring at the fishing boats busy fishing.

SRC has been busy.
Events has been busy.
Coursemates has been busy (paktor, sleep, rushing back hometown...)
Bruder has been busy.

I am... what, free?

Sometimes I purposely free up my own time to spend with others. But it seems like... sigh.

I make a wrong move last semester. And I am still falling deeper because I still believe it is NOT a wrong move.

However, sigh.

Aquarius. Wake up.

Oh, and one other thing. I have JUST been looked down upon, especially by .... ( I don't want to say much. You know, I know)

That hurts. That friggin' hurts. That effing hurts. You know?

Imagine you tell your father: "You are nobody." and I am feeling exactly like you father right now.

Whatever. Trying to contain.

I SHOULD try one whole fortnight without bursting any emotions. I have to contain everything. If people can do it, why can't I?



Saturday, October 29, 2011

Sand as Relationship

Why EMO?

Note: Thanks to my brother (bruder), our little chat inspire this to be written and posted. Credits are given 85% to him.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

[Happy Birthday, Blog]





Friday, October 21, 2011


Suddenly the temperature around me dropped significantly. I held my arms closed to my chest. I wasn't shivering. But I swore I could hear my heart tearing up every time I see the message. The feeling was gone. It seems like just hours ago when everything was just alright.

I barely hanging on...

I can't see the real smile anymore. I don't even think I saw the smile. Once in my lifetime, I realise, I have done a grave mistake. Getting up together but broken up inside. That's the worst feeling ever. For hating you, I blame myself. But I never hate you really. I only hate it when...

I really can't hang on...

I don't know if I can still apologise and get back the smile I used to see. I think I cannot see it anymore. I know I screwed everything up between us and everything. I hope I can rewind the time. I guess it is true that the 'thing' is repeating. I can't get myself right. I am always wrong when you are right.

Maybe I am wrong all the time. Maybe I have been in my fantasy for too long. This semester was meant to be a wake-up call for me. Gosh, when I wrote this blog, I think I can hear my heart crying. Those tears bounced against my stomach, feeling uneasy.

I used to complain the irritation you gave to me, now how I hope you come back and irritate me. I think it won't be. I don't know whether I am glad that I foresee this, or I am sad. I just wish things were back to where it was and how it was.

I can't hold on...

I want to collapse...

Seems like you are not eager enough to keep this thing between us strong, I see no point in me for keep trying. One hand can't make any noise. I used to crave for your hand for the clap. Now, I know - even though I am gravely hurt - that doing all this on my own is stupid.

What for I keep doing this while all you can do is ignore, cold reply and rejection?

The only way is not to contact you anymore until you feel like it.

I am sorry. I have to step back. I can't force myself to make it right. The more I do it, the more you think I am irritating. So, what for?

What for?

I fell...

Thursday, October 20, 2011

New Sem

Gone are those days when I can see my bruder almost every day and have meals with him. My time makes me barely even can see him. I am feeling the distance between us is getting further (or is it not?) despite the typing messages we sent.

Really missed those days I ate with him. Now everyone is busy. This and that. Whenever I think of eating, I feel very sour. I don't know why. It's as though something is lacking... Everytime I can only wish him well and imagine his words are pushing me forward. That's all.

Nothing but an imaginary friend? No! I don't allow that to happen. But, it is a reality that both of us are very busy. Well, I am not that busy. I have larger free space on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. But I doubt those times I can meet up with him.

Another thing is, I know it has come to a point that I have to let go of everything I hold dear of, except my family. I have been a very selfish person, stubborn and kepoh person. I don't know how many lives I have been mingling around and tampering around.

I have to stop.

Gone are those days... Reminiscing? I don't know. I think it's a bit early for that. Gosh, I am so hearing 'Tears for a Lost Friend' in my mind. I am getting insane!!!

I now understand. The path I have taken, the path I have chosen, to find out why and what and where the stories go, is never meant to be more than one. All days come from one day and that much I have known, I cannot change what's over but only where to go.

Alone must I to take the road I have chosen, for nobody else will take and uphold. All dreams shatter when you find them. The only way is to grimace and smile at the millions glittering pieces left.

I am so sorry to almost all of you. I have disappointed you all. I can't help much anymore. I therefore retreat to my cave. I am sorry I trouble you all. I no longer will do so.

I am sorry.


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Library Mate

Muah muah muah and muah to my friend for willing to spend time with me in the library to kill boredom, even though my friend has class.

Don't get it wrong, my friend didn't skip class. My friend just came to see me when the class ended. Yesterday was a shock because my friend waited for me till 815pm! I was so touched. I mean, my friend's class ended at around 5pm and yet...

Gee... I don't know what to say. I didn't even know my friend would be waiting for me!

Meet you up tomorrow!


Wow, I love this semester. I am sorry for bragging my semester timetable last semester, and now, I pretty much like it, except the fact that the lecturer and tutor from Financial Market and Regulation sucks.

Busy is how I mean it to be.

I sleep early, wake up early, have breakfast with a cup of coffee and go to school with a nice new backpack. Then when there is class, I attend; when there ain't class, I go to library. In short, I go home after 8pm everyday and go to school at 7.30am.

Uber kool!

There is no time to think other matters. All in my mind is just notes and words. Gosh, I even studied FMR 3 times today, before coming back! I am not trying to boast anything, but hey, I CAN ACTUALLY FOCUS! (well with some slight distraction)

Funny WeiVian (nah, I post your name here, don't ever say I never post it =P), I was eating with her and I helped her take the chopsticks, spoons and chilli sauce, she asked me, 'Do you ever feel like you are a gentleman when you do this for a girl?'

I am not going to say much on this. HAHA.

Today is great too! I met Dinesh and Ah Seng. Ah Seng still remains that friendly. Oh, Ah Seng, I miss your touch on me! LOL. I thank you for that 10 minutes. Without it, I am seriously nothing. You are the best!

I also saw Andy.

Gosh, I saw so many people today. YitMun? I saw her two times a day and saw her again a day before. And gladly (sadly?) it rains. I like rain. It gives me the serenity and thought.

AHh.... gotta get some sleep tonight. TOMORROW is yet another fighting day.

Thanks to JuanWyn, I am feeling much better!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Don't Talk To Me

Don't talk to me if you are taking beers or drug.

Damn, I prefer to be with my Malay friends. I don't know why I heard from my friends that when you reached 18 or 19 or 20 you HAVE to take beer. Stupid. It really sound stupid. Damn stupid. Since when this is a tradition?

I tasted beer before. That's because I was damn sad at that point. And it happened recently. I realised, beer is a foul thing, like a devil on Earth. What's the point? And one common thing I found (on my case) is those who take beer, their attitude seriously pissed me off.

Funny is one thing, but I don't like the rudeness, extreme craziness and face when they got drunk.

Immoral. Illicit. You are downgrading your status, friends. (I don't think 'friends' is the right term for it, maybe I should say 'pal' better)

I like Amirul better than anyone else I realise. LOL. He is a very very good brother to me. In just three days of meeting up, he's been checking everything on me is safe, secure, and happy. Good for him and me, we are meant to be good.

When I got my 'you-know-what', he is the one pushing much harder on me. He never fails me since last year semester 1. He is nice. I will forever be in less worry because he never drinks, smokes, let alone drugs. He is nice, polite, knows his own maruah and best, he is there when you need him

The ride on his scooter, in his car. I never get a feeling of being a pitied friend. I feel myself. I feel being really cared and not being pitied.

I am not an ill cat anymore.

Oh, June 2012 please come quick!!!

Friday, October 14, 2011


Sick of it. Totally!

Don't ask why. You should know.

If you think I am angry now, you are already making assumptions.


Thursday, October 13, 2011


Life is a bad joke. A real bad joke. I should be laughing off. But now I am trying.

I am sorry to my bruder. I keep bragging him about my feelings. I didn't cry but I keep shouting, asking myself why it happens. But, I didn't ask how was he. I feel bad. Am I a good person? Selfish and unkind. I hope he is OK now.


Hope he reads this:

Bruder, are you OK? Don't drink beer. We can talk, like the good old days. It's been 117 days... I wish I know how you are feeling right now. I send my spirit over to your side. Anything just talk to 'it'. XD.

I'm fine here. We will go through this together. Shoulder-in-shoulder, huh? =)

I didn't cry, I just shouted. The word 'cry' here means 'shout out loud', as in literature used. I hope you don't misunderstand. ^^ . Shit happens. Sometimes we all fall into deep shit, but I believe this is not a deepshit. Do you?

I salute to you everytime.

You have so many friends out there, you can have all the consolations you want. You can have all the beer you want (JOKE!). But I sincerely hope that, after you read this, it is much better than anything else (I am getting SS already. LOL!)

"We are family. We don't ditch family members", that's what you told me when I want to severe everything to you. XD. I don't know how hurt you are from this, but same goes to me, I can't teleport myself over there to you. The only thing I can do is type all this. I have been doing silly things in my life. But doing this to you, I don't think it is silly.

It is worth, More than worth.

We just need to be more careful sometimes.

I am also sorry to make you feel like I always depend on you. Yeah, you are right about "Because you trust me ma". I trust you. I believe in you. I feel safe whatever I say to you, whenever and wherever. That's why I chose you over the rest. It's not bias, it's conscience.

We have our obligations. But don't forget we have obligations against each other, too. ^^. You can shove me in the cupboard, but I still can reach out for you!

I am extending an invisible hand to you. Can you see it (duh! I said it is invisible already)? You can grab it and I will pull you up. Or you can place it on your shoulder so I can pat it. Or you can put it under your chin, so I can lift it up and let you see the sky still has its stars. Or maybe you can put it on your eyes, so I can wipe away anything that obscures your vision.

No matter how, you still have to take the invisible hand. ^^. That's an order. Cannot be disobeyed. Understood?

Alright it's getting late. I didn't go for supper with my friends just to post this up for you. No, don't say anything yet. I rejected the offer because I am feeling sleepy too. I just want to post this before I sleep. Perhaps you are out there drinking teh or beer. Perhaps you are sleeping, Perhaps you are taking care of someone.

Too many perhaps.

A good relationship doesn't require 'perhaps', no?

Alright. I have to sleep. Remember to take the invisible hand.



Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Line Drawing

My Bro & I

Sheesh, the title sounds so much like 'The King & I", that movie. What? Never heard of it? Never mind. Get along.

Throughout this semester break, hmm, I truly experience what Buddha had said 'Happiness is brief, and eternal happiness is difficult to seek'.

I am so glad that my bro (OK, my bro's name is Amirul) took me out for fun. There is this happiness which is very brief, like a nova. Short and bright. But I appreciate every second he is with me. My parents like him (even though my father was very sceptical of me going out with a Malay due to his 'traumatic' past).

I have never seen my parents are glad to see him.

It is sad that he is going to Egypt this Saturday. I feel like... hmm, sad (duh!). We had fun in joking around and watching movies.

Tell you one great thing about him. He is friendly, polite and definitely a joker. When I was sitting next to him watching movie, I feel a sense of calm and safe aura emanating from him, as if I am protected from all sorts of danger, from a contagious virus infection (the movie "Contagion"), to nuclear warfare and even to the total shutdown of the Universe.

Sometimes, I feel like, I want to stay close to him just to feel safe. Yeah, I am that timid like a mouse. I guess most of you have found that by yourselves. He is the only person in the world (up to this stage, ok) that I can feel someone in my reflection. It is as if, what I said, he could understand perfectly and vice versa.

Argh, it's hard to explain it here.

Watermelon and foxes. I hope if he is reading this, will giggle again. Haha.

The point is, I am not going to see him again in another year. =(. It's very awful that I only see him during PLKN (for which I didn't even talk to him, not even know him yet) and then a year ago by a chance or fate, which he came to Kampar to visit me before going back to Egypt.

He has been here for two months and now he is going back.

Gosh, it feels like he is tha Captain of the Flying Dutchman, that only resurfaces every 10 years. Except, which, of course, he appears every year once. I guess SiewCheng was right about relationships: the more you see the person, the more emotional tied up you have with the person and the more chance you are going to ruin it.

Maybe distance between me and Amirul is the one keeping us close.

Paradoxical enough, huh?

Anyway, this semester break is really peaceful for me. Nothing to worry about. Nothing to care about. I can do whatever I wish: playing piano, writing novels & short stories, doing experiments, plucking herbs and fruits from my garden, hanging out with my bro...

I am just glad my handphone is really quiet, with only an occasional message.

Alright, my experiment is calling me to check on the updates already.


Saturday, October 1, 2011


TTM is sometimes good. It reflects what you have done, whether correctly or otherwise.

In my life, I have told Dominance and nobody else, I am doing something which nobody has the guts to do it. And that comes with a terrible price, but I am already paying it for how many years? Erm, 9 years? I lost counted already.

But I accepted it silently. Who else can I tell how much I actually suffer before I met the Music or Dance club people? If I do tell, I am whining. I keep telling myself, I should be a man and I should not whine like a girl. So, this darkest secret I have kept to myself, maybe forever. Or maybe not. Maybe if I can find someone who actually pays attention to what happen to me, or pay attention for who I am, then I am ready to share it with this someone.

Unfortunately, meeting this person is somehow below the possibility of zero.

So, as I've said, I keep it to myself.

Nobody knows why I write songs.
Nobody knows why I write novels.

This deepest feeling in me never shows. I am like a torn rose. You can see the brilliant colour of it, but you can't see the secret cracks in it. Sometimes I crave for someone to really mend my cracks. Sometimes I crave so hard that I hurt myself on the way.

"Just let it be," my friends told me. "Don't force."

Did you all know how it feels like when you are trying to be strong while inside, pieces of you started crumbling down in no hopes of return?

The cravings. It makes me meet nice people very desperately. This cravings make all the Cycles to happen. And during this quiet semester break, I have found many ways to learn how to elevate my own feelings. It's right about "What hurts most, is being so close".

Besides the things belong to my family and myself, as well as the Taiwan gifts from previous Student Exchange, I have thrown away every little thing that is not belong to me. Be it a bookmark or just a simple decent card.

I just have to throw.

It's like discarding junk memories. No point keeping into my mind while I keep thinking about it. Why not just discard it? I never felt so good after cleaning up, especially my room in Kampar. I think 30% of my stuffs are thrown away, even though they are memorable.

I don't keep things that has no value, nor usage. So, I am not sorry to throw some of your things away.

Speaking of sorry, I hate people doing things just to please me or make me happy. I really want to tell you guys that, when we are sad, we must cry to release the tension building in it. Sometimes I hold it till I get home to do whatever I want to liberate that energy. And because I hold it, it looks as if I am emo.

No, I am not emo. I am having an emotional constipation.

And don't make people happy when they are sad. It feels extremely awful.

You don't make people diarrhoea when they have constipation. Yes, you get the point.

Instead of making me happy, I just wish to be understood what happened and with a warm hand on my shoulder, around my neck, clasping my hand or whichever suits you and tell me "It's OK. We will get this through together."

That's what I want to hear. Not "Cheer up", not "TTM lah you", not "Don't emo" and definitely not "Go to sleep and have a rest"

I am selfish. I like what I want to hear. If I don't get to hear what I want, just eff off. Simple as that.

Here, I would like to take a chance to say out to someone special thoughout my semester break:

"I am glad you text me everyday and joke with me. I am glad you grip on my hand, ignoring what people see or say, just to tell me 'I got you'. I am glad you make me understand what's a friend really is. You make me know how to find my happiness when there is something I don't wish to see"

You are the first male beyond my secondary school mates to be recognised by my family. My parents like you very much. Too bad you always been away...

I remember how we met but never talk. It is fate. Really. It's 1 year before I actually know your name. Silly billy me....


Friday, September 30, 2011


I love the time when I can't go online. Now, when I just log into facebook, darn, things keep popping up. Things that I don't like to see. I hope it should be alright.

People tell me, if someone broke your heart, break it back. They will know the pain you suffered.

I was like, that's a good idea.

And I was wrong. Terribly wrong.

I easily fall in love with someone who treats me nice. I am sensitive. More sensitive.

I start to wonder, where is my iron heart and steel will? I used to be emotionless. I used to be strict. I used to be that guy who never smiles or laughs at any jokes.

Where am I? Who am I?

I changed. I metamorphosized. I am not who I am anymore. I changed too much. I was once a playful, curious boy who scares of everything but dares to do anything. Then, I changed to an iron figure lasting for about several years, till someone told me about Black Jack, and how he said 'I will change you till you gonna smile. Even if it costs me my life'.

I changed during NS as a joker. I tried being helpful. I tried to erase the racist border between two races. A mere diplomat. And when I came to UTAR, I changed to a sensitive guy. Is it true that we have a phase in our lives that we need companion? Is it because I need a companion, that's why I got sensitive?

I don't know.

Thinking back, I might NOT drop any subjects next semester, even if it stresses me out. So what? I am glad my time is 8am to 8pm. I don't want to spend a svinoi second on the Internet or other personal stuff. I will go the usual life: eat, sleep, study.

There will be no room for me to get sensitive. Haha. Can't say whether I am going to miss JingCong or his saxophone. Damn, suddenly I feel like next semester is going to be a very lonely one. Well, still thanks to my jam-packed timetable, I don't think I have time to mix around with people.

One more year to go. And I can make it.

I have to enjoy how school life is. Not youngster life. School life is about studying with friends. Only youngster life is about having fun. I have to try to rewind my life back to when I was in secondary school.

I have 7 weeks to prove myself.

This blog entry is now closed for the moment. See you all physically next two weeks (or maybe earlier)!


OK, it's my precious time to online during this semester break. I feel like I am a US Army doing private personal time through the Internet in the midst of battleground. Precious and dangerous.

OK, let's start from the beginning. Hanging.

I am feeling very happy these few days, since last thursday. It's been a week.

I remembered I was taking a nap, then somebody called me. Mind you there, I am VERY afraid of taking calls, except from my family. I don't know why. Groggily, I saw the name 'Lee Juan Wyn'. Haha. Energetic and pulled myself off from bed and answered.


'Come down, I am at your house now already,' he spoke.

Haha. I don't know what to say. It's been a long semester since I ever saw him. Still there grinning as ever. Too bad my room was stuff with 3 of my friends' stuffs, or I can invite him in rather than talk downstairs at the dinning area.

Ish... paiseh...

Then I asked WeiWei for dinner with Wendy, but somehow, JuanWyn joined us. LOL. And then at night, I promised to 'belanja' him McD, so I did, but that 'EmoMeal' WeiWei took, I also had to pay for it. =.=

I felt very different. I don't know why. I was just happy enough to see my friends back after facing the exam alone. Haha. Silly me.

We played and joked so much at A Station, playing L4D2. I know you guys out there are pro already. It's my 2nd time playing. Stupid. I shot WeiWei to death with my shotgun. Haha. I still can't stop laughing when I wrote this blog. I imagined what happened. She crossed in front of me and I fired. I was firing the zombies. She just got into my way. Immediately, WeiWei's status was 'Dead'. She stared at me with those accusing eyes.


Pity JuanWyn, I had to ask him to wipe the fan for me. *touched* HAHAHA... Anyway I thank you for coming to spend time with us. It's fun to be with you (and of course with WeiWei and Wendy). I can see that you are a nerd back at Setapak. Compare to last time, you are like still stagnant with your skills. Haha.

I missed the way you joked on me. ^^ By the way, hope I can see you next semester if possible.

Then, I went back to Ipoh. Started with my tiresome journey of abusing the piano keys and computer keyboard. Novels and songs. It's been my favourite past time. I even, ahem, did a research on effect of human brain on electronic device's randomness.

Don't ask.

Then, my bro, came back from Egypt since a long time, invited me to go out, just yesterday. Haha. I can't believe he is much more handsome than the last time I met him. Hahahahah. So, yeah, in case you racist people reading, he is a Malay. I have seen more odd eyes looking at us while we are hanging out in Jusco.

What, they think we are gay? Or because of different races cannot hang out together? Or because of confusion of skin tones vs race (I have dark skin he has fair skin, but he looks Malay, I am Chinese)? Oh, whatever, we had a great time together. Haha... we watched 'Dream House'.

You want comment on the movie? Alright, I am not a movie reviewer but I thought it was a horror movie. =.=

OK, I am afraid of ghosts and blood. I don't watch Saw or Final Destination, or Paranormal Activities.

I was so afraid it's a horror movie. The Chinese name for this movie was so different than the other language. I remembered my bro said 'Tengok, nama pun cantik: Rumah Impian'.

'Apa you tahu tentang tulisan Cina? Ia refer 'Rumah Berhantu',' I shot back.

I was so scared I am going to shut my eyes throughout the film.

Haha, thanks for the sentence bro: "I am always on your left." Haha... Haha... you keep making me cheerful throughout the film... Sorry la, mempersiasui you. But I like your joke "We take couple seat, mau?"

OK, if you wonder whether we took couple seat, well...

Brothers and brothers. Different. Happy.

All the best and safe journey to Perlis, Amirul!
All the best to your studies and everything, JuanWyn!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

The Shell [Episode 11]

Picking back up from the previous episodes, Jane Soutaine was kidnapped by the Traveller who told her about the Earth as a vast information storage centre and the Driver was an entity projected by the mysterious cylinder. The Traveller then asked her what does she know about the periodic mass extinction throughout the history of the Earth...

'You must know that this mission is critical for our survival,' the Traveller said. 'So you must understand some basics before I put you onboard for the mission.'

'Spill it out,' Jane said, still pointing the Platzen gun at him,

'The mass extinctions which one of the most famous ones is the one that wiped out the dinosaurs 65 million years ago are meant to be deliberate,' the Traveller said. He raised his palm, anticipating that Jane would respond to him. 'Information is not handled properly. Numerous glitches and errors had been encountered that the information is corrupted, no longer to be used by the Superior beings.'

'How the hell did you know all these stuff?' Jane asked.

'I got so many time to learn after I am unplugged.'

'What's it going to do with Dan?'

'I want you to drive some of the major asteroids towards Earth, starting with Ceres,' the Traveller said.

'What?' she powered up her gun again.

'It has to be done. You are the glitch. The glitch has to be wiped out before anyone notices. Right now, Dan and his agents are the one erasing the glitch. But the murder of Jane Soutaine and the shrinking of Earth is noticeable. You have told this information to Dan in the restaurant. There are chances that someone overheard it and passed on the info to others. This vast information storage is corrupted.'

'Then I would rather let Dan kill me to solve the problem.'

'But the information still persist in the system,' the Traveller noted.

'Dan is one of the Eraserheads. He knows what to do,' Jane said.

'He can't. The system is contaminated before he killed Jane Soutaine.'

'So, I am to do the job of erasing?' Jane asked.

'Yes, and to stop Dan for coming out of Earth.'

'Why he will still come and get me?'

'You are the glitch.'

'After I punch the Earth with asteroids, he would be dead.'

'He won't. He is a programme.'

'Talk to me, old man.'

'Dan is a programme designed to erase anomalies. I lied to you earlier on. He is a rogue programme. He wants to get out of Earth as soon as possible to free Earth from the Shell,' the Traveller said.

'Isn't that a good thing?'

'Look, we've been through this already. I will tell you, you have no idea what's it like beyond the Shell.'

She fired another warning shot from the Platzen gun. 'Well, try me.'

'You are not ready. The Shell... beyond it... it is too complex to say in words. But mark my words, it's safer to initiate another mass extinction than to open up the Shell.'


She was being led by the Driver to a cargo hold of the station. The cargo was in sleek white, no sharp edge like crude machinery and there was a a beautiful white ship parked in the middle. It looked like a smooth head fish with sharp tapering tail, two fins flanked open by its sides, and a dorsal fin across its spine. However, there was no noticeable engine drive.

'It rides along the fabric of space-time, like a stone skipping on water,' the Driver said.

'Are you a programme from the cylinder?' she asked.

'Get into the ship,' the Driver said.

'I take that as a yes,' she said. A door opened when they approached the white ship. She climbed in. 'I don't know how to drive it.'

'Place your helmet on and it will do the rest,' the Driver said. Before he closed the door, he said, 'Have fun.'

Inside the ship was futuristic. Of course she had skipped 40 years into the future for yet-to-be revealed reason. Even her mission of killing Dan was too brief. She suspected that it would end that quick. There was something in her mind that this mission was way too complicated that it seemed. She checked her back and found the Platzen gun still there. She saw no controls on the dashboard and she began to wonder.

'Where is that helmet?' she grumbled.

Then, above her, a helmet fell. She was surprised by it. She couldn't find any hidden compartment above her. She shrugged and placed it on her head. Then she felt different.

She went into clouds and became the ship. She can feel her head protruding and a tail behind her. She could feel the weapons under her. She was assimilated to the ship.

'Door opening in three seconds...' the Driver spoke from outside through a communication channel. 'In three... two... one... time to eject, Jane.'

She saw the black space ahead and she urged herself to move. She was thinking like a ship now. She wanted to fly like a bird. And, the ship did move. It accelerated by unknown means and cast into the black sea of stars and travelled to the direction of the Earth

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


I am a fool. No doubt.
I am weak. No doubt.

Besides I have my bruder on my side, I still thinking of impossible targets as my best friend. Stupid. But anyway, I love my bruder all the time. I already made a promise not to be like that anymore, just because I am sensitive.

Hmm, I woke up after a nap, feeling myself have been dealing with a wrong person. I don't know who. It can't possibly my bruder. He is never wrong in my entire life (OK, semester, whatever). So, you think I am going emo again. LOL. No, I'm not. This is human, getting hungry even though he got another meat.

He just have to have another piece of meat.


Last time I used to mention, I would like to meet someone who never smokes, never drinks, caring, unselfish, respect, happy and knowledgeable as my best friend.

Nah, I don't think that will happen. Because, I already have my bruder in my head all the time. It's like a lighting beacon. Anything happens I would immediately find my bruder. LOL.

So what is exactly my point of blogging?

Creating craps. Lots of them.

Maybe you all got crazy because I sometimes (or, always?) mention my bruder, but I tell you, it's not because I am insane. It's because I am too proud to tell everyone my dream came true after so many years. LOL. I don't know if bruder is reading this, but I don't care. It's been in me for like, erm, almost a hundred days!

Actually my strong desire to have such friend (now is bruder, no longer a friend. LOL) is from two person. I won't mention in full, but it is T and J that taught me. The real brotherhood beyond family.

Though I have lot to learn yet.

So, crapping finish. (Told you it's a hell lot of crap)

I would like to share this to you all:

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Maze of Moments

I walk the maze of moments
but everywhere I turn to
begins a new beginning
but never finds a finish
I walk to the horizon
and there I find another
it all seems so surprising
and then I find that I know

You go there you're gone forever
I go there I'll lose my way
if we stay here we're not together
Anywhere is

The moon upon the ocean
is swept around in motion
but without ever knowing
the reason for its flowing
in motion on the ocean
the moon still keeps on moving
the waves still keep on waving
and I still keep on going

You go there you're gone forever
I go there I'll lose my way
if we stay here we're not together
Anywhere is

I wonder if the stars sign
the life that is to be mine
and would they let their light shine
enough for me to follow
I look up to the heavens
but night has clouded over
no spark of constellation
no Vela  no Orion

The shells upon the warm sands
have taken from their own lands
the echo of their story
but all I hear are low sounds
as pillow words are weaving
and willow waves are leaving
but should I be believing
that I am only dreaming

You go there you're gone forever
I go there I'll lose my way
if we stay here we're not together
Anywhere is

To leave the thread of all time
and let it make a dark line
in hopes that I can still find
the way back to the moment
I took the turn and turned to
begin a new beginning
still looking for the answer
I cannot find the finish
it's either this or that way
it's one way or the other
it should be one direction
it could be on reflection
the turn I have just taken
the turn that I was making
I might be just beginning
I might be near the end

This song has made a change in my life. In case you don't understand what it means, it tells us our life is like a maze, each turn of the maze gives us a new chance or hope, there is no dead end as such, but it is an end that brings you wonder and then asks you to step back and turn the other way, but each time, you can only take one turn, not two or three.

Our life may be an endless journey, but sometimes things cannot come with us, that's the phrase "You go there you're gone forever, I go there I'll lose my way, if we stay here we're not together, anywhere is."

You leave my life, you are forever gone, if I go myself, I will lose myself in the midst of mazes, but if we continue to stay here but never together, anywhere is the same thing for us.

To all of you who thinks your life is miserable, this is a song to let you know, you have admired the beauty of one turn, it's time to move on, take another turn.

[PS: this song is echoing in my head since I woke up. Cheers!]