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Friday, October 21, 2011


Suddenly the temperature around me dropped significantly. I held my arms closed to my chest. I wasn't shivering. But I swore I could hear my heart tearing up every time I see the message. The feeling was gone. It seems like just hours ago when everything was just alright.

I barely hanging on...

I can't see the real smile anymore. I don't even think I saw the smile. Once in my lifetime, I realise, I have done a grave mistake. Getting up together but broken up inside. That's the worst feeling ever. For hating you, I blame myself. But I never hate you really. I only hate it when...

I really can't hang on...

I don't know if I can still apologise and get back the smile I used to see. I think I cannot see it anymore. I know I screwed everything up between us and everything. I hope I can rewind the time. I guess it is true that the 'thing' is repeating. I can't get myself right. I am always wrong when you are right.

Maybe I am wrong all the time. Maybe I have been in my fantasy for too long. This semester was meant to be a wake-up call for me. Gosh, when I wrote this blog, I think I can hear my heart crying. Those tears bounced against my stomach, feeling uneasy.

I used to complain the irritation you gave to me, now how I hope you come back and irritate me. I think it won't be. I don't know whether I am glad that I foresee this, or I am sad. I just wish things were back to where it was and how it was.

I can't hold on...

I want to collapse...

Seems like you are not eager enough to keep this thing between us strong, I see no point in me for keep trying. One hand can't make any noise. I used to crave for your hand for the clap. Now, I know - even though I am gravely hurt - that doing all this on my own is stupid.

What for I keep doing this while all you can do is ignore, cold reply and rejection?

The only way is not to contact you anymore until you feel like it.

I am sorry. I have to step back. I can't force myself to make it right. The more I do it, the more you think I am irritating. So, what for?

What for?

I fell...

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