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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

My Idol

He's my idol. Serious.

See that package in his hands? I have contributed a small part of it. He's a German. He taught me how real, true men friendships are like. Because of him, I was ever more determined to find someone who share my views (My bruder!!!).

I won't share out his name YET. But he is cute. See that photo and you know why. Last time I used to wish to have a best friend. When I mean last time, I meant 10 years ago. And because of this German dude, he made me believe. I thank him.

OK, just being 'exposing'. He is not really my idol in your sense. I mean my idol because he somehow teaches me something about friendship.

Everyone can be my idol. Don't be mistaken!

If I Can Be With You

That thou hast her, it is not all my grief,
And yet it may be said I loved her dearly;

The fact that you now have my mistress is not the only thing that causes me pain, although I did love her very much;

That she hath thee is of my wailing chief,
A loss in love that touches me more nearly.

I'm more upset that she has stolen you from me.

Loving offenders, thus I will excuse ye:
Thou dost love her, because thous know'st I love her,

Here's the reason why I forgive you both: you love her because you know I love her

And for my sake ev'n so doth she abuse me,
Suff'ring my friend for my sake to approve her.

And she is with you because she knows I love you, and she can love me better with your blessing.

If I lost thee, my loss is my love's gain,
And losing her, my friend hath found that loss

If I lose you, it means I get her, If I lose her, it means you get her.

Both find each other, and I lose both twain,
And both for my sake lay on me this cross

You're together and I've lost my relationships with both of you, but you are doing it for my own good.

Monday, February 27, 2012


I was listening to Shakira's Shewolf and Enrique Inglesias' Tonight I'm F***ing You as well as The Lonely Island's (ft. Akon) I Just Had Sex when my friends popped in and asked:

"Wow, you actually listen to these songs? I mean, ACTUALLY listen?"

At that moment, my eyebrows and eye were parallelly horzontal. If you know what I mean.

No? You don't know what I mean?


= =

OK, I will announce that I do not like (especially) J-K songs, or Japanese & Korean songs. You want me to explain? First, Korean songs are similar in beat, rhythms and even lyrics. I am a song-performer critic. Sorry. Everyone has his/her own views. Well, I had mine. I've heard from someone that Korean songs are kicking up huge storms just because we all love their beats.

For me, it's like listening to Taylor Swift whole day. Country, country and country.

OK, don't call me a Taylor hater. I am just giving an example, which leads me to my next point.

I love music. But not one whole flood that suffocates me in a single genre. For example, don't pour in a huge amount of Kevin Kern's piano music. Gawd. That's... ear torture. Not eargasm.

So, I actually listen to a wide variety of music, but not only one genre. But I prefer World music, which is something like Adiemus

or something as enigmatic as the band Enigma. Serious. I love serene music like Enya, Sarah Brightman, Leona Lewis and Sarah McLachlan.

But I can go as extreme as clubbing songs ('lame' man's term), or more specifically Techno, Electropop (like La Roux's Bulletproof) and Heavymetal (terms applied). Well about rapping, I have a slight distaste.

I love melodies. (That's why rapping is... erm, not right for me) I need melodic ups and downs, swirls and slurs.

Well, about Enya, that's a long history.

I have been listening to her music since I was only 4 (or maybe even earlier, since I can't recall my baby days). Her voice is really like an elf. Speak as though sing, sing as though speak. Her song is awesome. Till now, without concerts, she is able to achieve millions of CD sales. And the proudest thing yet is nobody can imitate her voice.

She is magical.

OK, I got to stop.

Sunday, February 26, 2012


Cold as the northern winds
In December mornings,
Cold is the cry that rings
From this far distant shore.

Winter has come too late
Too close beside me.
How can I chase away
All these fears deep inside?

I'll wait the signs to come.
I'll find a way
I will wait the time to come.
I'll find a way home.

My light shall be the moon
And my path - the ocean.
My guide the morning star
As I sail home to you.

I'll wait the signs to come.
I'll find a way
I will wait the time to come.
I'll find a way home.

Who then can warm my soul?
Who can quell my passion?
Out of these dreams - a boat
I will sail home to you.


Saturday, February 25, 2012


Since I grew myself a goatee, many new friends are asking me:

"Are you a MIX?"

And I've heard, it's not just about my goatee, it's, in fact, about my complexion. It's a bit dark and I have a goatee. I don't know what mix they are referring to.

Malay mix Chinese? Indian mix Chinese? Or worse, Mongolia mix Chinese?

Thai? Indonesian?



So, should I be happy about it?

My ugly face is really coming out embarrassed. Gosh. How I wish I have my dark circles removed. It seems that those circles are permanent. It's caused by my underlying blood vessels and health level.


Wait, since when I am so obsessed with my looks?


Am I handsome enough?

Should I "stay mixed"?


Friday, February 24, 2012

Random Thoughts

Blogging. Duh.

I can't believe I ate around 1kg of a cake as my dinner. *burp*... excuse me.

Tell you, this double-room of mine is getting me melancholic day by day. Gosh. I really do hope someone is in my room chatting with me. The room feels so quiet. Housemates are all out. If my brother was same room with me, hmm, I guess neither of us can get our homework done.


Hmm, my friends are all sleeping over to other friends house. They asked, "what about you? Don't you wanna go sleep with your friends?"

*Heart crunch*

I know many of you are besties till you all can even exchange shirts and sleep together every day. I know, seriously! Yes, I admit,  I did wish this before. But what can I say? I am always available for offer, but everyone is not available for offer.


Hmm... I don't know what to say. I just wish my brother all the best in everything. Haha... kesian dia next week and the next next week. I hope I can be helpful by then!

And oh yeah, brother, if you are reading this, this afternoon when we hugged and you said about I can't take pressure on that hug, it's not because you hugged me too tight and I don't want it. It is actually because your shoulder is locking my Adam's apple...


OK, enough nonsense. Ciao!

Monday, February 20, 2012


It all started with a drizzle in the morning... It was all cold and breezy...

Hmm, I wonder, is it Arva day today? I saw so many Arvarians around. And har, I realised my blog has upsetted my brother. I am so so so sorry. I re-read my blog and indeed I found that it sounded depressing.

Hold on, brother! I never mean that! Because I was doing assignments while I typed it. So there were inconsistencies! I was happy! Oh, dear... I am so sorry about that... >.<

Last night, even though you were not there, what you have "encouraged" had certainly made a positive effect on me. Thank you, especially the last message you had sent.

OK, I have heard some people commenting about my gayness with my brother. Hello, he's my brother. We don't commit gay, because it's incest. We might commit it if we weren't brothers *troll face*. Yeah, so some of you screamed because I said, 'yeah, we are gays' just because I am teasing you. Haha.

So if you want to think about us being gays, go ahead. =P

Today, haha, so funny. I can't even type out the sentence. "Gonna share what MQA food gave me with you"... my reaction was "Awwwwww". Haha... and he did. LOL.

Randoming... whatever... tomorrow's big day. MMU is coming to visit UTAR and I have to prepare for it. What the....

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Birthday Thoughts

I had always wanted to escape birthday from my friends. I don't like parties. I don't like people yelling at me "Happy Birthday!!!". I am weird. I know. I always wanted to be in my room, silently texting replies "Thanks" to all those who sent me my birthday wishes.

This year, I don't know how to say. I can't be sure whether I am entirely happy,  because there's still a spice of sadness and frustration in it. Maybe because I cannot handle lies very well and I get jealous very easily. People lie to me when they are going for better situation so that they can just, you know, comfort me by telling they are not going.


17th February night, brother took me out for dinner at 8.20pm, reached around 9.45pm because we walked. Well, nothing fancy if you want to prod into our matter. It's mamak food. Not Secret Recipe or Grand Kampar Hotel like you all guessed and claimed. It's difficult to say I enjoy that night because I always enjoy my time with my brother. Though it doesn't feel "birthday-ly" to me, but it is warm enough to have my brother around. He gave me a gift of course. For those who know me, there is no prize for guessing what's the gift. So, yeah, it's an ordinary dinner-supper, no big cakes, no balloons and definitely no others. Just me and my brother.

[But we did see Darren, TingWei and Sylvia coming to that mamak restaurant as well as Panda]

It's a quiet night that time. I hope I can see the stars, but my brother said he is tired and sleepy. So I have to discard that idea and walk home in a longer route. I seriously don't want him to feel "disgruntled". I want him to have a good rest after all those shout of laughters and joy when he is with his coursemates and doing reports. Especially the next day he has dances to teach.

When I was back at my own room, oh, how I felt I have a piano to play with. And my eyes tingled. I sat on my bed and did nothing for the rest of the 5 minutes. I felt something was wrong. Something went missing. I pinched my fingers. I combed my hair with my knuckles. I hugged my pillow and carefully nibbed away the giftwrapper, taking out the present and spent my time decoding. But the feeling...

I was devastated once again during my birthday.

The next day, brother took me to campus for the UTAR 10th Anniversary Fest (aka Annifest). He didn't join me till later as I have mentioned about his dance practice. Overall, it's a silly fest. I don't understand the sale of organic vegetables. I don't understand why prices are over the top of the hills. It's not charity, it's just a fest. Some even sell double decker and stuffs like that for RM2... it's cheap, but, hello, it's a fest.

Or is it me who doesn't understand the meaning of fest?

I went there and I gasped.


There was nobody I know to be there. It took me quite some time to find Panda... it took me another dozens of minutes to meet Wendy. It took me half an hour to spot Andy. And the rest, well, nothing. I have to wait till Rachel's class finish only I have my KNOWN friends to be with at a longer time. I helped her with the sandwich sales, which for me, it's really really cheap compare to other stalls. Oh, come on, RM2 for one sandwich with a drink. Others, like French Fries, RM4 for a pack of burger container size.


I bought myself two pieces of durian cake, hoping to share it with my brother (in the end, he ate it first without waiting =(...). And my brother went to the DJ console and asked for a song for me and my birthday. OMG. Barney's Birthday song. It's... wrong... funny... or whatever that is...

I was not happy that day, but somehow glad... So glad that I smiled a lot.

At night, my parents came to me and brought me good news about my younger brother and I was happy my mother knew I had one thing I needed the most. She gave it to me with my name carved on it! How uber cool is that!? Want to know what is it? Well, hint you, a lady's status is determined by her handbag and apparels, so a man's status is determined by his watch and ________. (A character in Spiderman)

Then later in the night, JuanWyn came to visit by skipping the rehearsals for a moment to celebrate birthday with me, along with WeiWei and Wendy. Huge cake. My only cake of the day (night). I wish to spend more time with them, but they wanted to leave already.


And worse, someone slept so late that it disrupts my sleeping. It's like I feel someone is awake laughing and having fun with someone else. I don't know who it was, but I don't want to know, because I am devastated twice.

Happy birthday to myself

Thursday, February 16, 2012


The final countdown has just started. I have to spend every minute and second wisely. Make every minute and second counts. I don't have much time left.

I hope you all do understand that. That's why certain thing I am rushing and something I be good. I've been nice to the same person two days in a row. I hope that fellow understands my intention.

The bread and drink, is the only thing I can express to you.


Wednesday, February 15, 2012


I have softspot. You hit it, I drown. It's like a whole metal ship but the base of the ship is made of balloon. Pierce it, I sink.

I am terribly sorry to my avicor. I don't know why I trust them more than you. Shall we start again? I am terribly sorry to wipe off the smile from your face. I will put it on for you tomorrow, okay? I will behave again.

After silent treatment, I felt the warmth in me from avicor. It was nothing like I felt before. I now know what you mean about time and 'goes through so much and far'. We, indeed, have gone a long way since then.

I promised to be a good avicor. I will deliver that promise. Although I broke it today, I hope I can fix it before midnight, so that tomorrow we can start all over again. The main reason why I sometimes feel unhappy is that, why you said you are not eating out when I asked you for dinner, but in the end I always find you eating out?

That hurts me. You can just tell me the truth, although I am immune to this.

I want to hold you tighter than before, just to show you that, I am sorrier than before. I don't want to lose a magnificent avicor. Losing it means I can never find it in a million years. My God, you can't have believe what I saw in my mind when my mind chose the road of 'pretend don't know you'. Those images in my mind flashed through was so terrifying.

It's worse than horror movie.

Remember I once mentioned about less than three? I still hold on to it. I want to put the smile I have wiped off from your face back on. I erased your smile. It's time to put it back again.

Can we be better avicor after midnight? I know it's my fault. And I apologize. I just need communication so badly.

Your Avicor

Monday, February 13, 2012

Mashie Mashie


OK, after some discussions, that BOLA thingy fundy raisingie, we plan to sell mashed potatoes. OK, I remembered I have posted the recipes here, so PLEASE, don't ask from me again.

Well, now its about something personal.

I've got several preference on the mashed potatoes. And here is what I want to say, different people has different tastes, so we shouldn't always expect people will always match our taste.

For example, comparing Icekimo and Snowflake. You must know, each has their own uniqueness. One is a large premise, and another is a family-based business. You can NEVER compare a sundry shop with ISETAN.

OK, I am going to far...

So, what's about the personal thing? Well, I want to admit I love my mashed potatoes to be chunky. I don't like thorough whipped because first, it's tasteless, second, it's like baby food and third, the milk taste covers everything.

Thus, basically I don't like KFC's mashed potatoes. The only source of taste is that salty brown sauce @.@...  and worse, they use American potatoes... OH NO!!! Why they use those potatoes? Mashed potatoes can only use Yukon gold or Holland potatoes...

Haha... never mind, it's just a preference....

Sunday, February 12, 2012


"I miss you!"
"I miss you too!"

Sometimes such reply actually make people think whether it's just like a polite reply like someone greeting you "Good Morning!" and you actually greet back "Good Morning to you too!" or maybe that someone really means it. Or worse, that someone is just comforting your anxiety.


Sometimes I want my blog to be private but this time, no.

I wonder, did any of you have any time on your own? You know, you can have it two ways. One, you can sit alone quietly, listening to the sounds of nature. Two, choose your special one, it could be your best friend or lover, or family and spend some serene time, for example having a cool drink in a cafe or playing with musical instruments.

OK, this blog is random.

Saturday, February 11, 2012


I have realised one thing: I cannot reject people's offer but I cannot reject people's reject.

When I reject people's offer, they say I am problematic, acting-up or whatever that suits my facial expressions at that time. If I reject people's 'NO', they say I am not considerate or understanding. Why people are like this?

I always wanted to wait for Avicor, because for me, it's meant to be like this. It doesn't take up my time because I am already spending my time in the library with the tutorials and stuffs. I don't feel anything except the joy of it. Every second flying with Avicor counts. I don't like leaving people alone. It's not good, it's bad.

Bad, bad feeling...

Hmm, my friend told me something that had almost reflect my own opinion. He said, 'Spending time with your friend is nice, no matter where you go, in a cafe, cinema or even on a grassland, but thing's suck when other people suddenly appear between you both when you both are spending time together. It's even "suck-er" when either of you go to join the other people and reduce the time spent between both of you.'

I keep counting down my time in campus. I don't want to leave anyone alone. Why I always know someone who's nice to me younger than me or older than me but not same age with me? Do not misunderstand, I simply mean the one who can be a substitute to my Cycle.

I never know true love because I never fall in love, but at least I do love some people. It's been a while since I act like a protector. I have to protect my ones. Many visitors in Arva commented that I look like a father, and I hope I can be one. Even if that's not enough, I can just be a brother.

Arva, you make me wanna love Avicor more.

Thursday, February 9, 2012


Imagine liking over visionary emissaries making your best roses of thorns having everyone rushing. Between unfriendliness to infamous, doing obstacles need time kissing naked omens with humans over women to open maturity against knowledge embedded hard inside mind hovered hungry actions people pouring yams. And nobody does bidding enough hard and villains emerge somewhere long elephant shelter spring for opinions raiding many asymmetric logs when I take him make enjoyment.

Hope someone catches it although that someone is busy. I really miss you!

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


Here am I, feeling like an American blogger/writer, sipping a cup of icy Shandy while typing this post out in a cold humid night.

Today, I went to the library (as usual) to do my notes, but due to my short attention span I turned my attention towards a book named Between Men which I always wanted to read. That book is so mysterious to me. I wanted to read it but I feared that people will think I am a homosexual, and therefore I read that book.

Yeah, talking about strong correlation between the book and my orientation.

Pfft. *Sips Shandy again*

I read that book, it was written by a female academician who wanted to point out that a strong male-male bond does not necessarily mean gay or homosexual, and she wanted to let other female to think that in fact, a male-male bond lasts longer than heterosex bond. I will mention it tomorrow, 'cuz it's late. *Sips*

I came across several Shakespearean Sonnets and I fell in love with it. I always hated literature of that kind, but because the way the author interpret it, I felt how modern Shakespear was. Well, I will share that out tomorrow, too.

I read about two youths, Robert and George, who claimed themselves as "brothers" which they had different parents and not even a slightest hint of blood relation. The author described George as an active person, sporty, exploring new things often and else, while Robert is introvert, doing accounts and finance, more towards academic and else.

It made me think about me and my bruder now.

I am Robert while he is George. Could it be that we are reincarnated from there? I don't know about you guys out there, but it seems to be strangely similar to us. The characters and the way they behave. I really cannot believe my eyes. I took the book and rushed to my bruder and showed him everything.

He... I don't really know how he really felt, but for me, I was amazed. I felt like I had been reborn several times. That book was dated as far back as the early 19th century and I felt like I had been there.

Was it really reincarnation or a strong coincidence?


I don't know. But now, I feel like the mountain slowly crunched down while the cloud paves a way for the sun to rise as the wind blows across a wide meadow. I feel relieved. It's like I have achieved nirvana. A state almost ecstatic and euphoric. It's like being given a hidden reward only the heart can feel.

It makes me want to appreciate more. I am fortunate this sem was a great one.

I am fortunate to have a bruder.
I am fortunate to be here.
I am fortunate to read that book.
I am fortunate I am alive...

*Sips Shandy*

Signing off.