Sunday, January 29, 2012

Ever Since My Fan Broke Down

Ever since my fan in the room (Kampar) broke down, the room has been a lot quieter. I can hear the birds sing, cars whorring by and the wind from the lake. It's true. When you have a hectic, violent and stormy heart and mind, sit down and think about the good old times (warning, do not think too far, or you will drown yourself in emo-ness). Clear your fog and you will see the new sun rising.

Hmm, it's true about the fan too. X just told me: don't be a fan. Don't be a hero trying to make people happy by fanning them because you can't possibly fan everyone. Different people have different needs and when you are already tired, you do realise that you have captured dust on the way and people start to dislike you. Remember, no fan can fan other fan, It just doesn't work.

Hmm, how true is this?

All I Want For Birthday

Seriously, this time round, I do not wish to be in Kampar when that happens. It feels so fake and hurting. I remembered I have a friend last year, he was thrilled to have his 21st birthday in Kampar while all those years he went back to be with his family.

In the end of 2359hrs of his birthday, nobody came to visit him, save for a long list of Facebook 'Happy birthday' greetings. He was devastated. He couldn't be sure whether Internet has killed his joy or he was thinking that he is a popular kid or somewhat lovable amongst his friends.

OK, I am not applying his case one mine. I am just saying, I have no point staying in Kampar for my birthday. It feels... fake. Maybe it's my nature that I don't like great parties (in fact I never have one and do not wish to have one), I prefer myself stuck at home, doing things I like.

Yup, I am not going to hangout. Not one single effing way you can drag me out. I am going somewhere far without any of you guessing where am I. No, I am not emo. I just don't want anyone to celebrate with me, except my family.

During CNY, my friend contacted me and I was touched about what he said to me. He asked me 'Go ahead and think who you are and what you like. Then you have the happiness you seek.' And so I did.

I am myself. I dislike great parties. I am lazy. I love writing novels, short stories, drawing and learning astrophysics and biology. I like friends who have lesser friend circles, not too outgoing, not a crazy doofus, not popular, not rich, humble, sentimentsl and most importantly we both have similar traits.

Yeah, people like me are almost extinct in the urban ecology, maybe I should seek in the rainforest. Well, it's OK. I once seek something valuable for almost ten years now and I am still seeking for it, so I guess I can just, you know, 'doing' my life along. I just quietly wait for that thing to come rather than I hope someone I like to be that thing. So yeah, if you treat me good, it doesn't mean anything. It just mean you are good-hearted. Everyone treats me good, so how any of you treat me is nothing different under the category of 'good'.

I had another phone call + SMS. I was feeling relieved when I got that contact. There was nothing I would suggest that he resembled my elder brother looking after me invisibly. He would not pop up as frequent as possible. But the best thing is, he knows when I am in trouble. He guides me there. I cannot say whether he is sentimental but he is very humble, jovial and humourous. I could not remember how he has taken care of me when I am devastated by pressures and stress (and of course NOT by emotions).

Oh, why oh why has this world turn me round and round?

OK, just being random.

Some people asked me about my presents for birthday. You serious about that? Well since you insist, I will tell you what I want for my birthday:

1) Nothing
2) Nothing
3) Nothing

You might ask what about books? I will reply. Duh, I have book vouchers, I don't need your gift! Ouch that was rude. No, I mean, safe your book voucher for yourself. I can buy my own books. Though I keep saying about Lord of the Rings thingy, that doesn't mean I want it. Though I mentioned about Alastair Reynolds' Space Opera, that doesn't mean I want it. Face it, you can't buy me that book in anywhere else except in KL. So, don't get a book for me, because I will return it to you.

Don't get a shirt for me. For pity's sake! I am not SHIRTLESS!
Don't get shoes for me. Don't get ANYTHING!

Oh gawd!

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Sexual Psychoanalysis

I went to the library and my attention is caught on one of the books which described human sexual psycho.

And I think...

I am in trouble.

My... I think... I am in serious trouble till I might end up in jail. Or worse, in a psychiatric hospital. A mental institution. An asylum.

I am afraid... I am... but... who can help me?

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

My First Time

Today, I cycled to school. It was my first day of my semester. The clouds were nice. I liked the weather. I can let the wind slapped my face and the drizzle moist my skin. I was feeling so serene. I don't have class on Mondays (maybe, because my timetable is not really set yet). I was going to the library and meet my brother for lunch.

Hee, I had my first time.

I went to the library, proudly carrying my TOSHIBA laptop and TOSHIBA harddisk upstairs. OK, not proudly, but struggling. I sat down, opened my laptop, revealed my desktop, logged in and, Puay Cian and brother starts sms-ing me. One for booth, another for lunch.

That's not my point, and not my first time.

My first time is, I kissed... OK, no, not. Hell no. I took a book from the shelf, it's called JOVIAN, by Donald Moffitt. It looked old, but when I checked it online and I realised, it's not that old after all. I think the 'bookworms' have been chewing the book for months. It's a sad book about slavery, family, friends and lovers.

Sad as in not EMO, but it's like a true life story how a slave becomes a successful politician. OK, if you might not know, its Sci-Fi. Hard Sci-fi, something like Alastair Reynolds.

Here's the book and synopsis:
Jupiter-born Jarls Anders is enormously strong-molded, like his fellow Jovians, by the giant planet's crushing gravity, which kills all but the hardiest babies in the womb, and which over the generations has selected for strength and survivability. Like his fellow Jovians, Jarls is a bit of an innocent - an unpolished rustic derisively called "cloudhopper" by the sophisticates of Earth and Venus. The story follows Jarls... adventures on three planets as his illusions are gradually stripped away, and he transforms himself from indentured workie to a major player in solar politics.

Saturday, January 14, 2012


I have this urge of walking. I think walking is fun. You see, in Kampar, almost everyone drives, cycles and rides. It's like if you are a tiny ant, you can only see wheels on the road, nothing biological. Imagine that you are the only one walking amongst the dashing cars and bikes in and out. You can actually feel yourself in a total different plane of velocity and scenery.

You can see the plants, caterpillars, cow dung etc.

OK, I was being disgusting,

Anyway, walking to me is the only way to experience myself. Back at home in Kampar, I can do nothing except DotA myself, FB-ing and Youtube-ing or maybe some Wikipedia-ing. So I think this semester I will walk to and fro from my house to the campus. =). I will be like last semester, walk to campus and back and sleep early. Of course I MIGHT walk to dinner, if dinner is with friends, if not, I just, you know, order delivery.

Or maybe I eat bread.

LOL. Now I know why Rachel said "why do you have to sound like you are so pity?". OK, this time I am not sounding happy, but I DO really feel happy in walking. Psycho huh? I want to walk and have my time... Having breakfast, drinking coffee and do things that pleases me rather than pleases someone else.

OK, I have to start work again. See you bloggie!

Friday, January 13, 2012


"Yerr, you both share things... so gay...."
"Yerr, you protect him... so gay..."

LOL. This is what I heard when me and my bruder are doing stuff for the coming exhibition. I mean, what's gay? How do you define gay? Men who have sex with men? Men who like men?

There is no clear definition on that.

I don't know what to say.

So what? What I know is, I have a bruder and I appreciate him like that way of a real brother. Well, he is real of course, just no blood relations. But that doesn't mean he cannot be my brother. He can choose how many brothers he wants. He can choose to ignore it. But I don't. I chose him and I have to take that responsibility.

If it's gay, then pretty sure you don't know how to appreciate someone like a friend in your life, less to say sister or brother.

Actually, I am proud of what I have. I can some brief moment of dissatisfaction when someone is better than me, but all things come well after that. It's true that without him I am less 'alive-r'. Whatever he said very long time ago.

He can choose to say 'No lah, he is my friend' when he is introducing me to his friend. He can choose to remain silent if I asked him in front of his friends 'You are my brother, right?'

But I don't really care right now. If this relationship continues, then let it be. I don't want to think more about it. Just appreciate the present time. Even if he ignores those statements, I am OK with it. And deep down in my heart, no matter how or when, he still remains my brother.


Anyway, the more you say we are gay, the happier I am. Because that shows I really do love him and people can see that I adore him like a brother should.


Well, it's late. Ciao bloggie!

Monday, January 9, 2012