Saturday, July 30, 2011

Today - Worse Feeling Day

Yesterday slept so early, but it's useless. I kept seeing someone in my dreams. Seeing anyone is normal, but seeing someone so frequent made me very nervous. But I woke up early at 7.55am to check my Facebook.

22 Notifications.

With sleepy eyes and dreamy minds, I started studying B.Econometrics. But I think I kena rasuk or something. I started to feel very negative. I started to have weak legs. I can't walk. I don't have mood to talk to anyone.

I played DotA to kill that feeling.

But it never went away.

When bruder MSN-ed me, I don't feel like talking to him. I just wanted to shove him away as far as I can. I don't feel like talking to anyone. I just asked him to buzz off from fetching me to exam, despite his protests.

I still went to exam by cycling.

During the exam, the 'ghost' of me consume much further. I wrote my answers super fast and handed in to the invigilators. My legs are still wobbly. I can't walk properly. The echoes of my footsteps stormed the lecture hall as I walked down and up. When I took my bike, I felt an immense weariness in me. And as I cycled the hot sun, I was thinking nothing. It was an empty body shell of me without soul.

When I reached home, I frantically searched whether bruder was online, maybe chatting with him can de-stress or somehow ward the evil thing in me. He appeared to be offline. Never mind, I opened my DotA once again to lift my mood.

I switched off DotA before the first wave of creeps appeared.

I went to bed, lying around, searching through my HP to see who can I talk to.


It was... I don't know. I am feeling extremely useless now. Even my legs are still wobbly, my stomach is empty and I don't feel like eating. I found my delivery menu, but I didn't do anything to it. I don't feel like eating alone. I wish I can eat with someone and talk till I cry, or something like that.

The negativity never recedes. It strengthens even more minute by minute.

I write this blog just to spill out the overflowing charge. But it helps a little. I need someone so much. I don't know who. I just need to be with someone for the rest of the day till the end of Sunday. But I know it's impossible.

I just sent an SMS to bruder that I don't want him to fetch me tomorrow, since Dinesh said the van might be picking us up at the guardhouse. And I don't know which guardhouse. UTAR guardhouse? Or Westlake guardhouse?

And I didn't get the reply yet. It doesn't matter, as long as it is at either guardhouse, the journey from 1188 to UTAR is shortened by 1.2 kilometres of walk. That's the reason I don't want bruder to fetch me.

But the question is: what about my breakfast?

Argh, I haven't had my breakfast today, lunch and dinner and I started to think about tomorrow's breakfast? I ate something today: 5 packs of apricot biscuits. And I stopped eating after that, because I hated eating alone today.

I woke up late for the nap when everyone has already gone to dinner.

The 'ghost' consumes me further, cornering me in a dark world where I sit in the dark corner, wrapping my arms around my legs, watching timidly as the world shrinks.

Yes, that's how I feel today.

I really wish to have someone as company. I really wish.

The 'ghost' is getting stronger now, I don't know how long I can last. I am trying to fight it mentally but my mind is getting tired. Who knows the next time bruder online to chat with me I might turn a cold shoulder on him.

I am trying to put as much emoticons as I can in the SMS just to make him believe I am OK. Like those "XD", "LOL", "@@" and "=D".

It's useless. It contradicts my real feelings further.

GOD HELP ME!!!!!!!

Friday, July 29, 2011


Today was my happiest day.

Woke up at 8am and began minding my own business, brushed my teeth, soaked myself in a bathtub. Have biscuits and coffee. Sitting in front of the laptop, watching PORN (Piles Of Rugged Notes), but yeah, occasionally a porn video. XD. Right. I am studying for my midterm for this week, and played DotA for three rounds (keep owning, I don't know why. XD)

Then I fell asleep for my afternoon nap for one hour. Woke up. Went to campus for SRC meeting, ended at 8pm. Rushed home. Tried to call delivery but ended up in hesitation. No appetite. Don't know why. And I am still lazy to study. But I am relaxing...

Happy because?

No SMSes. Haha. No one asked me about homework. No one asked me about nonsense. No one asked me about how I am doing here. No one SMS me about delivering porno video (those idiotic number who sends you "Mau tengok gambar eksklusif ah moi kapal terbang?" sort-of thing).

It's all too quiet.

OK, there are some points above that I lied. Can you spot those?


Transferring isn't easy. WTH.

"Sorry, your documents must be sent to DACE for evaluation first, then you come to DSA to make your receipt and redemption."

"DSA sent you here? Oh, you should obtain the letter from your Dean first, then your academic advisor reference. Attach it with your letter then bring it here."

"I thought DACE will handle everything?"

"OK, photocopy one more set and take it to DFN. DFN will check your finance."

"Err, have you spoken to DSA? You must bring along the DSA letter in order for us to verify you finance."


"Go to D..."

"Have you met...?"

Why can't you just click a button called 'Termination of Study', while the system does the rest?


Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The Shell [Episode 7]

"You have no idea, Jane Soutaine," the driver spoke. He turned his head back at where he was driving - the glistening base of the Island Spire, sparkling like crystal underwater. But at one point, he suddenly swerved the car to the left, and applied full thrust.

Island Spire was never her destination, she thought.

"Then you are to bring me to the Godfather?" Jane asked.

"Be quiet. Save your questions later," the driver replied. He drove the car into a sunken cave, previously undiscovered. The tunnel lining was very close, a slight wave would push the car and scrape the walls.

Then, something came into light. It was an underwater facility. It was white, but stained with corals and mosses. Floodlights were lit and shone on the car, tracking their path. The facility was dome shaped and was windowless. There were several fans spinning, presumably power generators. And near the middle level, a small compartment irised open, like a mailbox flap.

The car parked into the chamber.

Then the floodlights were turned off while the water was being siphoned out and heater was drying the chamber.

"What is this place?" Jane asked under her breath.

"The Hub," the driver replied. "It was once owned by the Indonesian authority to imprison those ruthless terrorists across the globe and so to maroon them from human civilisation."

"And now?" she asked.

The car door hissed open. "Come down. Someone would like to meet you," the driver said. He leapt off the car and Jane followed him. She still could not see his face under the hat. She even could not tell how big was he because his loose robe was like an old inspector/detective fashion.

After a series of turns and bends, an endcap door spiralled open and he invited her in while he stayed outside. She looked at him one last look before the door spiralled close. No, she still couldn't see his face.

"Hello, Jane Soutaine," another voice echoed in the room. Everything was chromic silver and empty, devoid of furniture and decorations.

She spun and saw a bald man, dark in skin complexion and of medium built. His eyes were in total white while his sandy-coloured robe covered his body. His hands clasped neatly.

"It's been a pleasure to meet you," he said.

"You are the Godfather," she exclaimed softly.

"Why, yes. And I do wish you would call me Traveller. The Traveller," the so-called Traveller said, with a smile. "I hope the driver didn't make any rough turns to bring you here."

"Oh, we had an exciting trip though," she said.

"And so it would seem," the Traveller said, still smiling.

"So what is it about now?" Jane asked.

"Let's start from the beginning, shall we?" the Traveller asked. "A piece of sky has fallen, and you were sent to investigate it before everyone was zapped away. Then you find yourself in quirky situations. And you want answers."

"Yes," she said.

"I am afraid the answers are not ready for you yet, Jane."

"Then what the hell am I doing here?" Jane asked angrily. "Send me back. I need to meet Dan."

"Yes, Dan," he replied thoughtfully. "I don't think you can go back up that easily now." The Traveller waved his hands and a projection appeared showing a news about recent terrorist attacks in Singapore and the photo shown was her, Jane Soutaine. Everyone on Earth was wanting her now, dead or alive.

"No..." Jane inadvertently released out one single word.

"I am here to help you, Jane," the Traveller smiled. "Don't you worry. I will promise to clear your name and records from this horrid stuff."


"What do you know about interaction, Jane?" the Traveller interrupted.

Jane remained silent.

"You see, you must come to a point to believe that what is on this world is not what you know. I am going to blow your mind off with this and I hope it will shed some light to your mind," he said. "Our Earth is actually a vast information storage system, or archive. We are storing data as we perceive things through our five senses. And after the perceptions, we transmit them, we tell them, to other people in great stories. For example, you went for a trip and saw a nice house. The house is a data packet to be stored in your mind, then you go off telling your friends, thus this data packet is transferred to your friend. The process will go on and on."

"Your point is?" she asked.

"There would be a point where all the similar information will be crossed out and remained one. I mean, redundancy in information will be eliminated. There would come a point where only one person knows about the trip and scenery you saw, while others will slowly forget through time. In computer terms, we are all defragmenting."

"You can't be serious."

"Hear me out, Jane. What we are doing every day is defragmenting the computer, Earth. Sometimes we pass our data packets faster, by electronics or transportation, sometimes slower by word of mouth, but nonetheless, there always be an ultimate storage person."

"Godfather, I mean Traveller, there are more than seven billion of us on this planet and there would be countless permutation and combination to reach that ultimate storage person. It could take up to years and years, not to say newborn babies are coming out each day," Jane said.

"Yes, but compare to geological timescale, it is actually quite fast."

"You are speaking as though we are machines," Jane sulked.

"We will come to that. But what I mean is, we are rich in interactions but there is a point where data clean up is required. Think of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Think of the grey goo outbreak in China. Think of natural disasters. Those incidents are meant to wipe out data to be recalculated and restored. A technical glitch."

"Why are you telling me this?" Jane asked.

"Because, my dear Jane, it all has to do with the shell," the Traveller smiled.

And the next time she knew was darkness consuming her.

Monday, July 25, 2011


Oops, the title should be 'friends', I supposed? XD


Remembering what my mum 'suddenly' told me about don't get too focus on something or someone. Now I get what my mum was trying to say. Because my mum MIGHT (notice the capital letters) notice my Cycle is coming to an end.


You might be asking why I laugh when most of the time, when the Cycle ended, I will be damn sad. Well, tell you this, luckily I have back-ups. I mean, I have friends who support me whenever I need them.

The best thing is, they come without asking the following questions:
1)Are you alright?
2) Anything wrong?
3) etc

They just come and say something like, 'Kia, let's go eat!' or 'Yumcha?'

Simple words, but I know, during that eating time, a lot of emotional words are coming out, where we spill our inner problems together and laugh it off.

I really like it.

My friend even tell me one thing: don't look for best friends in university. There won't be any, unless you know them since you are in school. Then, there might be a slight possibility.

Otherwise, give up your hope on searching.


I did. I really did give up my hope. Ha. I know, I know. You are like 'WTH? Give up your hope???'

But I give up for a reason. I don't want to hurt anyone, including myself. Ha. I can be very possessive. I thought I mentioned it last time.

Quite true. Don't get too friendly and care towards someone who is not of your family. Just have fun with them. Even my tutor told me there is no such thing as true best friends, because nobody can be your ideal best friends.


I know many of you have your own friend circles, so I am glad I have none. Because if I do, I will disturb your friend circles and make myself jealous whenever I see you all come out without me.

See? I am possessive. Once I got you, I GOTTA have you.


Enough for this post.


Sunday, July 24, 2011

Walking | Strolling

Today, woke up at 6.45am because of an SMS. LOL. Yeah, me, Domdom and Weiwei WALKED to oldtown in the early of the morning. Nice cool weather. LOL.

Yeah, you might be asking why I walked there.

Well, to tell you the truth. I have been a lot of deep shit lately. So many things jamming in my mind. So many till I don't even know what's in and on my mind. I just know I have to eat, sleep and of course reluctantly study.

And I realise something.

When we have problems, sometimes it's not necessary to talk to anyone close to you (besides your parents lah, I mean). Sometimes, you need to see something else differently. I don't know about you guys, but after those walking and strolling, it really does help me relieve all my tension over the days I have received.

It's like one step I take, will imprint my tension on the ground. The more steps I make, the more tension I released to the ground.


It's really not necessary to talk to people when you are having huge tensions. Nature always help. I just wanna thank Domdom and Weiwei for willing to walk with me to oldtown to have our breakfast and back McD for a rest and finally, HOME.

6 hours.

People are having UTAR Run, we are having Kampar Walk. LOL.

Amazing. I wish I can walk more. The more I walk, the easier I feel. Sometimes relying on someone's shoulder too much is not good, you get neck ache. LOL. What I mean is, sometimes when relying too much on someone will result disastrously.

Sometimes you don't like what you see, feel or hear. And you go EMO.

So, it's always the best choice to talk to your parents first and see if they can help you, next, solve it yourself.

Your friends are not your twins sometimes, or your clones. They don't know all your problems. They CAN'T know all your problems. There is always a thin line between you and them, you know.

Fortunately, these few days, I am very happy. Happy in the sense that I got to hang out with Music Club people again. Happy in the sense that I can live my last sem's life now. Ordering delivery, yumcha, crazy together and also like today: chat for 6 hours!

Thanks. Really. It's sometimes that crazy friends are able to absorb your tension as well. Haha

Crazy and neutral friends. Those friends who don't actually own a friend circle or a gang. Freelancer. That's the best playmates you can find anytime. Or else if you find someone who has a gang already, it's hard to date them.

"Oh, sorry, I am having dinner with them!"


"Oh, my friends dated me!"


"Ha, my friends are fetching me to shopping mall."


"Accompanying my friends now..."


So, if you find a free, neutral friends (like Weiwei... muahaha), it's easy to date them out and have the most craziest (notice the double superlative words) day (or night)!

Till then,

Thursday, July 21, 2011

The Shell [Episode 6]

She hopped into a taxi.

"Island Spire, please," she told the driver.

"I would request you to sit in front, ma'am," the taxi driver said without turning back. He was wearing a low lying hat that almost covered his face.

"Why? It doesn't make any difference. Just go. You're the driver," she said, taking out her compad, scrolling through her contact list.

"In front, ma'am," the driver emphasised. His tone was sharp and commanding, like he was from military.

"Sheesh," she exclaimed in disbelief and digusted with the idea. She opened the back door and entered the front. "Happy now? I am rushing on something. Make it quick."

"As you wish, ma'am. Enjoy the ride," the driver said. He clicked a few buttons and started driving.

Singapore was somewhat not as advance as the US. The taxi here was still using buttons to operate. Fortunately there were no acceleration and brake pedal. Everything was done with buttons and toggles. But, she reminded herself, US had the free-floating pilotless taxi.

She continued scrolling her compad, finding the Godfather's message. She was thinking, how would the Godfather knew where she was heading? How did he know that she was going to Singapore? Island Spire was just a little landmark off Singapore shore, between Sumatera and Malaysia.

Built in the year twenty ninety-six, right after another earthquake that sunken several major cities in Malaysia, Indonesia and several islands, the Island Spire was a new landmark that rose a kilometre and three hundred metres into the sky and deep down into the ocean base below. It was made out entirely of thick ceramic-glass, home to thousands of people and place for business and trading.

She wondered why the Godfather wanted to meet her there. Most importantly, who was the Godfather. Perhaps he was someone that could explain everything to her especially when she was at ...

A strong impact had lurched her to the front. She held on to the dashboard, stopping her face from crashing forward.

"What the hell was that?" she screamed.

"Buckle up tighter, it's going to be fun," the driver said, unfazed. He veered the car sharp left and clicked a few more buttons. The taxi was moving much faster than before.

"Who are you? Are you kidnapping me?" she gasped for air as the taxi veered at another corner. Another bright light lit up the cabin and the car shook to the left.

"Be quiet. Why would I kidnap you?" the driver was still not looking at her, or had any sense of panic.

She gazed at the back. There was another car. But there was something extra at the roof. An energy pistol. It was nothing something unusual, but a mounted energy pistol could mean one thing. Whoever it was in that car was someone from a very high-tech facility, or rich enough to purchase that energy pistol because energy pistols had a very bad problem which was the energy shell it fired would disperse in air, especially in thicker atmosphere like rain and snow.

Unless, someone had figured out how to solve that problem.

"Sit properly, or you will be killed," the driver warned.

"You still haven't answered my question," she said. "Who are you? Who do you work for? You seem like you know a lot of things about me than yourself."

"Good," the driver said. "At least you are gifted with the ability to join the dots of different events and create a conclusion on your own."

"I take it as a compliment."

"It was intended as an insult, Jane," the driver replied. "What you said was only a theory. Merely a conclusion."

"You knew me name all along!" she exclaimed.

Another blast sent the car turning like a top. The driver was still expressionless under his hat. He raced his fingers across the keyboard, keying in inputs that she never understand. The car soon stabilised and he drove it even faster than before. She could see the sharp bright spire of Island Spire ahead. But she knew she would be dead because they needed to take a ferry to cross the Straits of Malacca. They needed to wait for the ferry before the attacker caught up.

There was another surprise attack. Someone dropped a gas bomb from above, nearly blasting the entire taxi. But the shockwave blast had shoved some extremely near cars to aside. She looked up the roof and saw a low flying plane dropping bombs at them.

"Go to the backseat," the driver instructed. "Remove the cushion. There is a Platzen gun. Three cycles per charge. I take you have limited military training? Now, fire that Doppeldecker down."

"What?" she was still scurrying the back seat even the order was ridiculous. She flipped open the cushion and saw a gleaming oily blue cannon-gun inside with some pink canisters. She knew what was it. The Platzen gun was only used to fire down flying ships. Very powerful. She rearmed it and the roof of the taxi opened.

"Don't disappoint me," the driver said.

She aimed at the Doppeldecker, the ship, above. The ship seemed to fail to detect her holding the cannon. When the timing was right, she fired. A pink flare raced to the belly of the ship and burst into sparks. The Doppeldecker flickered like a dying light. This was meant to happen because usually it took at least two shots to shoot down a plane like this. The first shot was to cripple the inflight systems, and the second shot was to jam the engine and the final shot was used to vaporise the hull.

Three cycles per charge.

She fired again. This time the ship was tumbling wing over wing. The third shot would be difficult now for her because the ship wasn't staying still.

She fired one last time and it was a direct hit. The Doppeldecker burst into jagged pieces and fell to the road, inevitably crushed some cars and shops.

She sat back down and the roof closed.

"You want me to fire the car behind?" she asked.

"The car is not of our concern anymore." the driver smiled. Finally she saw an expression on his face. This time, he veered the car even sharper, taking them off the jetty and fell to the sea. And before she thought she would die under the sea, the taxi turned on a jet turbine and sank under as a submarine.

The attacker's car was not amphibious.

"I think I can make a conclusion now," Jane said, confidently, with the cannon in her arms.

The driver was still not facing her.

"You are working for the Godfather. Or you might be the Godfather himself," she said. "Am I right?"

This time, the driver looked at her.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The Shell [Episode 5]

Jane met Dan at the hotel. Tall windows and serene atmosphere, but that couldn't leave herself nervous and worried. She sliced her salmon carefully into bite-size and wiped the salmon on the herbs oil sauce.

"Gracious, your hands are shaking!" Dan exclaimed. "I am here, don't worry." He put down his knife and fork gently, as if every action he made might impact on her emotion.

She didn't notice her hands were shaking. "So, Dan, what are you doing in Singapore?" she quickly switched the subject.

"Science conference. You know, quantum physics stuff like that," he said. He lifted a wine glass and sipped it cautiously. "I thought you will be here by 9 o'clock or something. It's only 6."

She looked at her watch again. True, she had arrived three hours earlier. She reckoned her jet just oversped. "Maybe my flight took a little shortcut or speeding. Or maybe I am just tired."

"You should rest," Dan said.

"I know, Dan. It's just that..." she saw Dan raised an eyebrow. "Ah, excuse me for a sec. I need to go to the washroom to make myself look less like a zombie." She managed to squeeze a smile.

Dan nodded.

She picked up her handbag, pulled back her chair and proceeded to the washroom. She took out her cube again and laid it at the basin platform. "Check the distance I have travelled. Departure from West Sahara to Singapore," she commanded.

"10443 kilometres, ma'am," the voice replied.

"Show me a map three days ago," her intellect and sense had told her something was not quite right. She viewed the atlas, and with her finger, she pulled a line from Sahara to Singapore. There was a number kept increasing as she did so, indicating the distance. When her finger touched Singapore, the number was 12550 kilometres.

She held her breath.

"Show me a map of present time," she ordered.

"It would be the similar map. Are you seeking for other timeline? One would suggest Jurassic era..."

"Just show me the map of present time," she repeated. Then another map appeared. She, again, pulled a line as before. This time, the number showed 10440 kilometres.

She gasped.

Her compad rang. She picked it up and it was Dan. "Is something wrong, Jane? You have been in there for so long."

"I am fine, I am coming out now," she replied. "I want you to recalculate the size of the Earth and compare to the data recorded before. Present to me after two hours," she said. Before the cube can reply, she folded back and fit it into her bag. She joined Dan for dinner.

"Are you OK?" he asked.

"Yes, I am fine," she flicked her hair.

"You said you want to tell me something."

"Yes, yes," she nodded. And she told him everything, including the second Jane Soutaine appearing at the opposite side of the globe.

Dan listened at first but he laughed at the idea of the second Jane Soutaine. "This is ridiculous,' he said.

"It's true!" she shot back. But her compad rang again. She took it out. A message from an unknown sender again, stating: "He called you, didn't he? Come to Island Spire now." Her emotion changed involuntarily. She replied it: "Who are you? Why are you contacting me?"

Dan noticed something was wrong with her. "Is there...?"

"I am sorry, I am just... distracted," she said. "Now where were we?" she asked. And this time, before Dan could say anything, her compad rang again. A sentence appeared: "You don't have much time. Your life is in danger. Come to Island Spire NOW." The sense of urgency was there. She had to go. She knew what was a direct command when it came to her. "I am sorry, I have to go now."

"Please, you just got here, at least have a drink," Dan said, showing her the wine glass.

"Thanks, Dan, but I really have to go now. We can meet up and drink later, OK? I promise," she said. She stood up, grabbed her stuff and left.

But she didn't realise that a fly had touched the rim of her glass. The fly slowly lowered itself, rubbing its feet to touch it and taste it. When the fly sipped the wine, it slipped and fell into the glass. And what happened next to the fly was unthinkable.

It was dissolved.

Dan clenched his fist.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011


I have been holding onto a flower for so long. A rare flower. So rare that I manage to meet it a little more than half a decade. I have decided to treasure it so much like a diamond. The petals are pale, looking everly fragile, but it has a robust stem to support it. The way it shines under the sun, glows under the moon, has always brightened my days and night.

And yet, I release it.

I release it...

I see it falls from my grasp, and touches the ground elegantly. My hands are empty now, free from the flower. My palm can finally sweat freely. My fingers can finally breathe the air after crunching in for so long. It is the best feeling of my hand ever felt.




But then, now I realise, I have been staring at my hands for too long.

I didn't see how the petals wrinkle when it was in my palm and yet still bloom beautifully.

I didn't see how the stem remain strong and absorb my sweat when it was in my palm.

I didn't see how the petals fall off when I release it and when it touches the ground.

I didn't see how much sadness it tries to hide by trying to shine off one last light.

I didn't see...

I didnt' see my tears rolling in my eyes...


I bend down, pick up the flower, blow the dust, caress the petals, saying:

"I'll never leave you again. Ever..."

A special post for a special someone from the unspecial me

Sunday, July 17, 2011

The Shell [Episode 4]

She opened her briefcase aboard her jet. The plasma thrust of the jet was making the trip quicker and less bumpy. She traced out a rectangle on the wall and immediately it turned invisible, allowing her to gaze outside. It was getting dark, her headache had made her thought that Singapore was still in its dawn, whereas it was around evening time.

She took out a piece of cubic glass, slowly unfolded it into a large piece of flat rectangle. She switched it on and stared at the screen. She was trying to search for what had actually happened.

"Queries please," a female voice purred from the glass.

"Full report on Sahara desert within the last 72 hours," she commanded.

"Please wait," the voice replied.

Then, images of satellites, military files, space agency reports and scientists profiles was being sprung out to life and being assessed.

She fell back to her seat and breathed deeply, trying to think what had gone wrong. Time travel? Time slip? Or even more bizarre, had she travelled to another parallel universe? She closed her eyes, re-imagining the entire sequence of the event.

No, it wasn't a dream, It was too real to be a dream. The blotch, the vanishing, Dan and the shard. Everything had burnt into her mind. And yet, Dan was at the opposite side of the world, and the desert didn't show anything unusual, safe from the flickering shard which would be investigated further.

"23rd July, no scientist from the agency has ever been sent to Sahara. Aside from strong winds, Sahara experienced no anomalies," the voice replied.

"Check on Jane Soutaine profile please," she stammered.

"Currently investigating new properties of matter in Seattle, US."

"Current location?" she asked again.

The glass panel went silent for an awkward three seconds long, too slow in terms of machinery intelligence. "Unable to define. Possible impostor detected on flight across the Indian Ocean."

"That's me, you doofus," she cursed silently under her breath.

"I'm sorry?"

"Where is the real Jane Soutaine?"

"Seattle," the voice said. "Should one report this anomaly?"

"No. Not yet," she said. "Cross-check all scientists from the agency, including Dan Foxsen. Beep me if there are any impostor case or anything strange."

"None whatsoever, ma'am," the voice replied.

"Check on any unidentified object at Sahara desert of the same coordinates I have given you," she ordered. Her heart was beating fast.

"Nothing, ma'am," the voice replied after a two-second delay.

She was shivering. "Thank you," she said as she switched off the panel and let it folded back into its cubic form. She reached out her pocket and took out her compad and dialled Jane Soutaine's number. Her own number. It was silly, but she must be sure.

"Hello? Jane Soutaine here," a female voice replied.

She hung up.

She didn't know what to say. She was frightened. What had happened to her? She checked her briefcase once more. In there, she saw a cylinder she had never seen before. It was chromic and smooth, and somehow exhibited some chillness on it when she touched it.

Her compad rang. A message had come through. She opened the message. It was from an unknown sender. It wrote, "See me Island Spire when he called you."

Braved herself, she replied the message, "Who are you?"

After a while, a replied came, "Your Godfather."

She knew there would be no chance to know the sender, especially the sender was so mysterious. But who was the 'He' the sender referred to? Maybe Dan, or maybe her boss. All she can do was wait. Or perhaps treated it as a junk mail.


The Shell [Episode 3]

She saw another man being vaporised. She wasn't sure whether 'vaporised' was the right word to use. It looked like the man just vanished in front of her eyes with a bright violet light. At first she had thought of something that happened in India, where a nanomachinery had broken and made the entire New Delhi into a grey pancake.

No, this was not it. It wasn't a plague by small nanorobots that consume things. It was far worse than nanorobots, or nanobots. The burning bright light when the man vanished wasn't a sign of nanobots attack.

And it was not a biological attack either, because she saw one of the dome just gone in front of her eyes, leaving a cleared area.

"Look!" Dan pointed up into the sky.

She followed. She saw something was wrong in the sky: there was a indigo-violet blotch up there, like an ink dropped on the sky, but so dark as if the foulness of the Hell had come to take Earth over.

"Run, Dan!" Jane shouted over the noises.

"Run where? There's nowhere to hide!" He was stil staring at the blotch up there. Amazed by the situation.

Perhaps Dan was right. Aliens were starting to attack Earth. Everything was beginning to vanish around her. It was random. The targets were random. All the while in her study in science, nothing was random. And now, she was scared. She was facing things that she didn't know how to face.

"Come on, Dan!" she yelled once more.

Dan was still stupefied.

Then, a bright white light, purer than any light she had ever seen, and so bright like the galaxy core washed out everything she could see. The only thing she could do was crouched. There was something strange about the light. She heard nothing when the light came on. It was a total silence. Too quiet, as if she was drifting in space.

And the light dimmed to its normal intensity. She blinked her eyes. She saw there was nothing around her. Everything was gone, even Dan. There were no domes, no people and nothing but bleak desert. She searched for the shard that fell from the sky.

It was there, still laying still, but there was something odd about it. It flickered like it was a projection.

"Dan?" she called out loud. "Dan! Where are you?" she called out louder this time.

Besides the howling wind, there was no sign of human life.

Shaking, she pulled out a piece of glass. She flexed it with a flick of wrist. It came alive with words and pictures. She touched the glass and searched for Dan's contact and she called him.

She waited for him to pick up the phone, hoping that he didn't quite vanish.

"Hello?" a voice spoke from the glass piece.

"Dan?" she asked.

"Yes? Jane? Do you have any idea what time is it now? It is - "

"Dan! Where are you?" she was shocked. She was surprised. She didn't know what to say.

"I've told you I am in Singapore for the whole month. Conference," he sounded tired. Maybe it was early morning that time. "Can I go to sleep?"

"I am at Sahara Desert, Dan."

"What the - " his voice became alert and awoke. "Why are you there?"

"I..." she paused. There was something very wrong here. She didn't know how to talk or start. It was as if she had a bad dream, a very bad dream and it was a long dream too. 11 years dream. A coma, perhaps? "Never mind, Dan. I will get to you in 24 hours," she said.


"Singapore. I am going to board a plane latest by..." she checked her holographic watch. It was 11am, around 3 hours before the vanishing occured. She shook her head. It was just a dream. It couldn't be possible that she travelled 3 hours to the past. "By 2pm. Be ready."

"Ready for what?"

"Go to sleep, Dan. And we will talk about it soon." She closed his contact and she searched for another contact. She called it. "Sir, I need a full team on Sahara, there is an anomalous object here. I will send you the coordinates now, sir. Just bring your top scientists, we have work to do in 48 hours. And oh, by the way, send me a jet at the same coordinates please. I will send you a report in 2 hours," She shut that contact close too.

Then, she gazed at the shard.

She saw it vanished in 2 seconds and reappeared.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Every Heart Has A Sea

I remember telling myself, every heart has a sea. All of us. The entire human race. No matter what race, gender, ethnic we are, we do have a sea in our hearts.

Once, when we are born, we are filling the sea in our hearts. I have a heart made of glistening sea. So glistening that no one dared to peer at it. Besides, it gets choppy all the time, unless I sit down quietly. There are quite a few instances where my sea is a tsunami.

When I am sad, the sea was exceptionally quiet. No breeze, no lapping noise. Just a perfect reflection like a mirror, as if the sea wanted me to look into my guilt and regrets. It's awful to peer at your own guilt. You will find yourself embarassed sometimes.

I do. All the time.

Someone told me, the sea in me is green in colour, where it tastes sour. I get jealous of something else with what I desired is being robbed away, or being neglected. At that point, my sea starts to churn.

Someone told me, if you cannot tame the sea, there is always someone to tame it for you. Just like a lion tamer. There is only one lion tamer for a specific lion for the rest of the life. Thus, you have only one person to calm the sea for you at your entire life.

Soul tamer, they claimed.

I don't know whether I should jump into conclusion or not. Maybe I have found one soul tamer, or maybe it is just my illusion. Anyway, somehow, my sea has not been ever turbulent since last three weeks. Yes, there is once or twice where the waves crash, but it calms as soon as it ended.

Every heart has a sea. You can know how your sea looks like, smells like, and feels like. Sit down and be quiet. When your heart beats, think of a scenery that comes into your mind, your next answer is closer than you think.

Now, what's your sea has to say?

Try it!


Someone told W that she has been making up stories and backstabbing people, plus numerous 'wild attitude' against that idiot last semester. And there are a bunch of people believe that someone rather than W's own words.

People always say, men's words cannot be trusted. But why W's words cannot be? I was there, by her side when she got her SMS. It was no mistake of what I saw. I knew what was in the message box. She showed me. I wasn't angry. I am just, you know, laughed at the fact that some people are really childish when making fun of others, like W, and the timing was not right at all.

Fancy asking for assignment matters and yet that fellow replied jokingly. If you are not serious, that think before you reply the SMS. W was just concerned of her own assignment and yet you replied her with ridiculous message, like stating that W's boyfriend (which in fact is not) at the side of the SMS recipient.

I know it's a small matter. But when W lectured them back, they heboh-heboh the whole thing as if it is worth broadcasted on CNN, Al-Jazeera or BBC news, and worse, some people even believe in their story.

Alright, W, I hereby announce that you are INNOCENT. I know. I was there. You showed me your phone when the incident occur. They blamed you for nothing. They are the one who backstabbed you.

Never mind, W, you still got us. *wink wink*

Friday, July 15, 2011

The Shell (Episode 2)

Jane was frustrated. 11 years spent on determining the substance was not a good advancement when Saharan Space Agency (SSA) needed the information within 20 years. She had left nine more years to figure out what was the weird substance.

She had run through all tests and scans. Besides there were large amounts of carbon, niobium, iron, some trace elements, a scan revealed there was a large amorphous mass of changing charge embedded below a thin layer of unknown allotropic carbon.

The layer known might be even harder than diamond or nanotubes. As she tried drilling a hole with a drill, the drill burnt off. She then tried a laser-cutter on it, strangely, the material absorbed the energy effortlessly down into its deeper skin.

No wonder the substance looked black and bleak. as if it was forged in the cosmic void.

Another strange thing was, whenever they tried to chip a corner off, it grew back almost instantaneously. It was generally speculated and accepted that the amorphous mass beneath the skin was repairing any flaws by tension pressure. Whenever an atom from the surface was removed, it created a quasi-pressure that forced the mass from beneath to propagate upwards, similar to the plants' capillary tube action.

One last strange thing: it was frictionless. No matter what they put around the piece of junk, the slings, grapples and anchors kept coming off its side. Even the tractor couldn't push it away. The surface was so smooth that even a droplet of water couldn't stay on it for a second. It was a smooth mirror.

Large as it seemed, 300 metres at its widest point with various irregular edges, the thing stayed there at the Sahara Desert for years with lab tents around it like budding mushrooms. The scientists even built a large sail over the shard, because a slight wind might sink the shard under the sands, or even move it.

"Look what I've found," Dan threw her a e-newspaper. The picture slowly resolved into a nightsky with stars. But there was something not quite right about the picture. The stars were distorted. They looked like being squeezed from a focal point of the photo. Beneath the photo, a headline revealed: Astronomers dumbfounded.

"And?" Jane asked. That was certainly something to brighten up her day.

"I have contacted Charles. You know him right? He checked on the photo and roughly sketched out the point where the stars are distorted. He told me that there is something large and invisible that somehow act like an anti-gravity force to push the star light aside, resulting in something similar to gravitational lensing, but much more irregular."

"And?" Jane asked again.

"Guess what I am thinking?" Dan asked back.

"The existence of a weird anti-blackhole. But... it doesn't make sense. A white hole? But irregular?" Jane said, tapping her stylus on her chin.

"Wrong. I think they are coming..." Dan spoke mysteriously.

"They? What they? Who are they?" Jane squinted on him.

Dan leaned forward. So close till she could smell his coffee breath. He spoke very softly, "The aliens are here."

Jane rolled her eyes. "Right, they are here," she spoke sarcastically. "Try to come up with a press conference for that."

"No need to, it's all over the news," Dan said. He snapped his fingers at the nearest wall, and the wall came alive with pictures and videos. Reporters and scientists. "After a long wake, Drake's equation might be true. Especially now."

"Shit. Who discovered this?" Jane asked.

"Everyone. Seriously, Jane, you have been breathing under these domes for too long."

Before she could reply, there was a series of shouts outside. Dan and her dashed out from their dome and gazed out under the sun. There was a crowd running scatteredly, as if a major predator came and chased them.

"Run!" she saw one scientist ran passed her, never looking back.

"What is going on here?" Jane called out loud.

And she got her answer. She saw another scientist whose name was Rose vanished in front of her eyes into twinkling embers before the embers themselves vanished.

She blinked.

Holy shit.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Solitude Moon II

Upon the shadows

Shining the meadow

A silver moon rises

You turned your back

and the sky went black

The tears I cried

are fallen stars from the sky

Indigo heaven

Black trees and raven

Who can feel the solitude of the moon

as you turned your back on me?

Wishing for the stars

to heal the glaring black scars

But the stars are fallen tears

never to be seen again

The moon turned black

as you turned your back

I hope you would look back

to see I am still waiting for you

Solitude moon

ever so lonely

Solitude moon


As the moon is the brightest

during the absence of the stars

Fallen stars, fallen tears

knowing you are near

but you can't see me.

Call my name once

And stars will shine

Solitude moon


Solitude Moon

It's all sunny outside, and usually when I see a group of people hanging out or playing, I used to have a kind of feeling swarming up to my veins. Sad? Envious? I don't know, but I am sure I don't like that feeling.

Feeling of being left alone.

Nobody likes that, but somehow someone can manage to live with it. Today is Sunday, perfect hot sun and nice nap (which I didn't nap). I started my day at 8am, with the first post on Facebook: "Today: Complete isolation. Mind is on something else, so don't disturb."

Amazingly, really, no one actually disturbs me all day. Really, thanks a lot!

There is a reason why I want complete isolation. But to keep things short, it's about affiliation. Here, if you are reading this (damn well you should!), then if you think I am talking about you (damn well it's you), then this blog is made specially for you (damn well it must!)

It doesn't mean that I be with someone means I am with someone. You get what I mean? What the heaven is wrong with you? I stay on one gang longer than the other, does not mean I prefer that gang than the other. What mentality is this?

If you want to take things like this, then sorry, you don't know me. I am sick of treating everyone nice. If I treat A nice, B said I am bias, forgetting B. Then if I turn back to B, A will say I am bias.

Well, you know shit about this. LOL. I am not pissed off (notice the 'LOL' there). I am gravely disappointed with...



Well, I realise, the best days are Foundation Sem 2, where I have no affiliation with anyone. I go even. No favouritism. No bias. No one. That could mean good news, as there are no worries, no negative issues, no jealousy, no wars.

Peace on Earth and Piss on You.

So today, you mess me up. I can't feel like what I supposed to feel. I lost my feelings. I can't feel things right. I can't feel myself. That's why, isolation. I am going to refrain myself from talking, chatting, joking, playing, commenting or whatever means of communication.

I am going to stay silent till things are over.

Solitude moon always shines the brightest without the stars.

Again: Peace on Earth and Piss on You.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Talking to Myself

"You know, he is so difficult to be pleased. He tests your patience!" one of my friends exclaimed.

"Yeah, I don't know what's gone into his mind. The way he thinks is so alien!" another agreed.

Yeah, that's me they are talking about.

*claps claps*

Not many people can tolerate my alien mind. OK, as my bruder and Dinesh said, it's not 'alien', it's unique. A unique mind. LOL. Here, I really feel the warmth of the world (around 28 degree Celsius perhaps?).

Haha, besides the unique mind of mine, some people asked me, why am I not commited to love?

Warning: DON'T LAUGH!!!

Besides telling them that I can't feel LOVE, I mean those romantic love, my friends even 'deduced' something. You guys know that the 4th finger on your left is said to connect straight to the heart? That's why people wear their wedding ring there. But, there is a mole on my 4th finger.

Mole in Chinese: Zhi.

Which is the same sound as 'stopping' in Chinese. So basically, my love potion is 'zhi'ed by the 'zhi'.

Funny friends... Now who has the alien mind huh?


I know I shouldn't write it here, but hey, it's my blog to express.

I am happy to have my bruder around. Serious. I owed you 3 times of dabao, 2 times of fetching me and numerous times of support. Haha. Yeah, if you are reading this blog, I am not sure whether your reaction is "Walao!" or silent smile. LOL.

My bruder and I. LOL.

Anyway, I am indebted. Thanks for the support everyday!

Same goes to Dominance. Although you are busy with your FYP, I can still feel your care towards my wellbeing. Hope we can hang out again. I miss the time we chatted for 4 hours in Kampar Station. LOL.

I am also indebted, sailou. Wish you all the best. Haha.

Haha... sorry la, taken your profile pic, no angry ya! Dailou sek sek. Muahahaha!

Difficult part 3 (I think)

Video-conferencing huh? Thought it would be fun like last time Celcom Youth Ambassador. To my much disappointment, the screen is static, pixelated and poor.

After the much haze, I caught up with cough, which I able to hide it from my friends. I remembered the last time I coughed, one of my friends gave me medicine, another boiled me Chrysanthemum tea and the third bought porridge for me.

Now you know why I hide my cough.

The haze is terrible. It pierces my lungs inside out. And today, I saw a sign of dark clouds. Nah, not white clouds being sunburnt, just a big patch of decent black cloud. Repeat, BIG patch. Real big.

I thought I needed someone to fetch me home from uni because of the rain, fortunately the sky was having constipation, so I cycled home.

Dang! It rained half way. I was like, speechless. Yeah, I don't curse the weather, I love rain actually, but not this time. LOL. Not really soaked wet, but I slipped my foot off the cycle pedal. Result? Sprained ankle. Woots. Congratz.

Reached home with sweat and wet, limping all the way upstairs and started massaging my ankle. Ha, what a day! And yes, like most of my friends who have literally big mouths, I am hungry. So the equation was:

Cold + Wet + Hungry + Pain

No worries, I had ordered my delivery (which I shouldn't). But somehow, I am still hungry...


Today I heard another friend of mine saying. "I love making him jealous, it makes him feel guilty and starts paying more attention to me."

Warning, the 'him' refers to her friend, not me or any of my friends.

Then I was thinking that sentence. True enough. I have done that several times over the course of my life journey. LOL. So uh, I think I should change. Haha. Fancy using people.

Aiks, nowadays I don't know why I feel guilty so easily. I was a steel man once, immune to many feelings, but this sem, my heart is exposed, terribly. LOL.

Dear bruder, thank you so much for everything and sorry again for last Monday. Rest well, live well. I may not be your best understanding bruder, but I am trying my best to be what a bruder should have.

Cheers and ciao,

Friday, July 8, 2011


"I hate to say this, but hey, I love you..."

Blah, just a random quote picked from elsewhere to start off my blog.

Nothing to talk about, except this morning I woke up with a very odd feeling. A kind of feeling that twists and turns in my heart, as if it is trying to strangle me. And the blood is rushing fast.

OK, stop the ketam.

What I mean is, I can easily be jealous of someone. LOL. That's so not like me right? I mean, when I see the person that I thought is close to me runs off having fun with other people, I will feel distasteful.

I don't think that's jealousy.

I think I am way too possessive.

But I have one positive thing to overcome it. I love seeing people happy, despite the fact that I am one of them and not getting the happiness they got. Seeing them snapping photos, smiling, playing etc are often a kind of relief that the positivity atmosphere is there.

And one corner of my heart will whisper: "You're doing just fine."

I will stand there and smile in my heart, just to see the happy people jumping around. But little did they know that, sometimes a crack, or a fissure appears in my heart. Nah, who cares? As long as they are happy. LOL.

Thinking back what my mum had told me when I was in Ipoh last week. I knew what to do. Thanks, mum. I won't be dragged down by the force of friendships anymore. Haha.

What I am going to do is:
1) Repay all debts
2) Focus on studies
3) SRC

Relationships and friendships?
Nah, pooh.... I am not going to focus those unless it's related to my studies. So PuayCian, SockThing, I am still your friend. HAHAHAHA. Others? Well................

OK, enough of blabbering. Going to sleep before I see more things that make me jealous even more. LOL


Wednesday, July 6, 2011

I Got You

A friend once told me, an apology is something that both creates a rift and a bridge between people.

Quite true.

An apology, when said too many times, will make one party superbly guilty, while leaving another party in an always-forgiving nature. This can create a dangerous gap, whereby the guilty party will have increasing debt to repay the forgiving party, while the forgiving party will always smile and says, "It's OK. I don't mind!"

When the gap widens as the debt increases, communication starts to break down. The usual long conversation will get shorter and shorter, and the topic will be more limited.

In the end, it's just like a toffee being stretched to wide. It snaps.

But for some others, when you apologise, the other party will say, "It's OK. I've got you". According to most respondents, when friends really 'got you' when you need help, you will be very grateful and do the same to others. That closes down the rift. If the friend really understands you, a commitment of trust is built.

Even when the gap widens, the bridge is still there. Even the bridge is snapping half, there would always be a ship down there, hoisting a flag 'I got you'

So, what I wanted to say is, throughout my life, there have been successful and unsuccessful apologies. But, I would like to express my utmost thanks to those who can understand my emotional turmoil.

You made me a better person.



I was tired, no, am tired, but here I am, still glueing my butt on the chair typing this blog. Classes are damn boring. MIFS, Sun Zi and lastly CRM.

You know what? I slept on an arbor bench 4.40pm today. Alright, an arbor is a pondok like thingy and the one in UTAR is at Block I, with scary creepers crawling all over. It was all windy and the lapping noise of the lake.

I slept.

LOL... really, it was all too tired. But I am glad that my brother was there, somehow my fatigue is got sucked up and away.

Thanks brother!

And oh ya, today a girl, an unknown girl but somewhat familiar came to me and ask, "You are Meen Zzzz right?"

I nodded slowly while my brain performed superfast scanning to match her face against all recognised faces in my memory. Before any matches came up, she was gone. Walking daintily to her class.

Who was she? How did she know my name? Is she the one who questioned Wai Kit during the SRC campaign?


PS: I saw something naughty in campus today!

The Shell [Sci-Fi Synopsis]

Alright, I received some comments from readers that they require a synopsis of 'The Shell' since this is the first time I gave a lame name for my novella (when compare with 'Lunar River', 'Journey of the Angels' and 'Shining Star')

Out in the desert of Sahara, a piece of unknown metal of unknown composition is found. Scientists from all over the world begin to argue about the existence of new material and life beyond Earth when they realise the metal is from the sky.

Twenty years later, several rockets are built to investigate the origin of the fallen sky. But somehow at the same time, the traveller who has been 'killed' by the metal twenty years ago has awaken and warn the astroscientists that no matter how hard they push the rocket engines, they are not going to find out the answers.

Alright, that's all I can reveal. I can give you tips on 'dimensional pockets', 'quantum tunneling' and 'parallel thoughts'.

That's all folks.

Happy reading

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Expiry Date: 1 year

That's my expiry date for knowing best people

The Shell [Sci-Fi Episode 1]

At Sahara Desert, the cold wind was blowing and the moon sailed low. There the traveller could hear the chirrup of the desert crickets and cactus owls howl. He laid his camel by his side and gazed at the millions of stars above him. He felt like he was a Babylonian, calling names for the stars.

His camel muffled in discomfort. He checked the luggage on its back. Yes, it was there, a cool blue cylinder engraved with golden swirls. A perfect gift that would earn him a year of luxury.

Then, something caught his attention above. A star began to wobble against the background of the sky. This was nothing usual. He kept the cylinder back and stared at the anomalous star. It flickered in dismay and then expanded, then contracted, like a balloon or bubble gone awry.

He shielded his eyes against the glaring light from the star, he could even trace out his finger bones through the light. Then he heard a loud boom and nothing.

The night was like before.

He blinked his eyes a few times, and saw not far away, an oasis was there. Or more specifically, a lake was there with high reflection, as if it was a mirror. He scratched his head. He had travelled so many times across the Sahara and never did he meet before a lake there.

He walked there carefully.

Then, a crunch was heard. He pulled away his feet and saw he was stepping on glass. Wait, glass? No doubt, the shattered glass pieces was found around the lake. As he approached the lake he found that the lake was steaming hot.

This was not quite right.

It's night time, the lake shouldn't be that hot.

He reached his fingers to touch it.

And at the next moment, he wished he hadn't touch it.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Favoritism vs Fairness

I am always a black-hatter, according to Edward de Bono. I always judge people's ideas. I shoot them down, and never gives face to them if the idea is beyond stupidity, as if I am a professional thinker (which I am not). I reject ideas that doesn't benefit much from others. I reject ideas that don't have good back-up plans.

Even though you are my best friend.

I treat people equal. You break the rule, I will shoot you down. I don't care. I don't care if I offend someone in this way. As long as you are wrong, you are DEFINITELY wrong. You admit, you change. I don't want to hear any excuses.

Even though you are my best friend.

My fair treatment to all has someone calling me Simon Cowell or Steve Jobs. They both love and hate working with me because of this attitude. From this attitude, they know I am 'clean'. I don't backstab. I see things wrong, I kill. I see things right, I praise.

Simple as that.

But somehow, lately, there has been a change of tides. My senses are already tickling in. Remember I said, lately I have no philosophies or any ideas to think about? It's now different. I guess my immunity to certain factors work.

Favoritism somehow plays a small part in this semester. It seems like I am failing my 'professionalism'. I become more like a Red-hatter of Edward de Bono than a black-hatter. I help those who are really helping, and stop helping those who are not really helpful.

That's when I realise my mistake.

Rumours and backstabbing begin to swarm around me, like misty ghosts.

I went back Ipoh last Friday, had my mind cleared off in my very antique looking study room, with my younger brother joked around with me and my mother who 'somehow predicted' what would happen to me telling me things that I should know.

Amongst the topic: "Your best friend is your worst enemy in university."

LOL at that one.

But, seriously, during my complete isolation from the student community of UTAR, I have come to a revelation that helps me on my pilgrimage.

Favoritism vs Fairness.

Now, tell me: which one do you choose? It doesn't matter whether you are a black hatter or a red hatter, just don't be a mad hatter.

Sunday, July 3, 2011


Scientists postulate that the world we live in is on a piece of brane, much like the wheat and flour embedded on a piece of bread. In a larger hyperdimension, there are several of these 'bread' or branes, connected very closely to one another. One slight collision between the branes, will result in what we called the 'Big Bang'.

The universe most ultimate explosion, that creates everything and anything.

What I am saying is, you can create the best-est moment in life, when you are at infancy. Now as you pave your path to adulthood, you lay your foundations as interesting as possible, or maybe as boring as possible, depending on your profile.

What if you want to have another life? Another one that you don't wish to be like the present one?

Oops, am I giving a hint that you should commit suicide? No, please don't. What I mean is, rewind your life. Start everything from zero where you could. I am not asking you to delete every single memory, but just something that you need to restart back.

I am rewinding it now. For the third time. It's not fun at first. It sounds crazy, but you would eventually pass it. Try making new friends. That's a part of rewinding life. Find a new thing to do, rather than just stick around doing 'traditional' stuffs you used to do.

Be creative.

That's life.