Saturday, July 30, 2011

Today - Worse Feeling Day

Yesterday slept so early, but it's useless. I kept seeing someone in my dreams. Seeing anyone is normal, but seeing someone so frequent made me very nervous. But I woke up early at 7.55am to check my Facebook.

22 Notifications.

With sleepy eyes and dreamy minds, I started studying B.Econometrics. But I think I kena rasuk or something. I started to feel very negative. I started to have weak legs. I can't walk. I don't have mood to talk to anyone.

I played DotA to kill that feeling.

But it never went away.

When bruder MSN-ed me, I don't feel like talking to him. I just wanted to shove him away as far as I can. I don't feel like talking to anyone. I just asked him to buzz off from fetching me to exam, despite his protests.

I still went to exam by cycling.

During the exam, the 'ghost' of me consume much further. I wrote my answers super fast and handed in to the invigilators. My legs are still wobbly. I can't walk properly. The echoes of my footsteps stormed the lecture hall as I walked down and up. When I took my bike, I felt an immense weariness in me. And as I cycled the hot sun, I was thinking nothing. It was an empty body shell of me without soul.

When I reached home, I frantically searched whether bruder was online, maybe chatting with him can de-stress or somehow ward the evil thing in me. He appeared to be offline. Never mind, I opened my DotA once again to lift my mood.

I switched off DotA before the first wave of creeps appeared.

I went to bed, lying around, searching through my HP to see who can I talk to.


It was... I don't know. I am feeling extremely useless now. Even my legs are still wobbly, my stomach is empty and I don't feel like eating. I found my delivery menu, but I didn't do anything to it. I don't feel like eating alone. I wish I can eat with someone and talk till I cry, or something like that.

The negativity never recedes. It strengthens even more minute by minute.

I write this blog just to spill out the overflowing charge. But it helps a little. I need someone so much. I don't know who. I just need to be with someone for the rest of the day till the end of Sunday. But I know it's impossible.

I just sent an SMS to bruder that I don't want him to fetch me tomorrow, since Dinesh said the van might be picking us up at the guardhouse. And I don't know which guardhouse. UTAR guardhouse? Or Westlake guardhouse?

And I didn't get the reply yet. It doesn't matter, as long as it is at either guardhouse, the journey from 1188 to UTAR is shortened by 1.2 kilometres of walk. That's the reason I don't want bruder to fetch me.

But the question is: what about my breakfast?

Argh, I haven't had my breakfast today, lunch and dinner and I started to think about tomorrow's breakfast? I ate something today: 5 packs of apricot biscuits. And I stopped eating after that, because I hated eating alone today.

I woke up late for the nap when everyone has already gone to dinner.

The 'ghost' consumes me further, cornering me in a dark world where I sit in the dark corner, wrapping my arms around my legs, watching timidly as the world shrinks.

Yes, that's how I feel today.

I really wish to have someone as company. I really wish.

The 'ghost' is getting stronger now, I don't know how long I can last. I am trying to fight it mentally but my mind is getting tired. Who knows the next time bruder online to chat with me I might turn a cold shoulder on him.

I am trying to put as much emoticons as I can in the SMS just to make him believe I am OK. Like those "XD", "LOL", "@@" and "=D".

It's useless. It contradicts my real feelings further.

GOD HELP ME!!!!!!!

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