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Tuesday, December 25, 2012

I Keep My Quiet Tears

My colleague, named C, talked about her trip to Autocity. She was excited. She told me, "You know the place where they..."

I shook my head and gave a bitter smile, "Sorry, I have never been to Autocity."

"Wait, the last time you said you never been to Genting or Cameron, now Autocity. I wonder WHERE did you go for trip?"

At that moment, I swore I heard my heart cracks and bleeds. I managed to force out a wider smile and replied, "No, there was never a time I actually have a trip. I usually go to certain places because there is some work there, like it's Chinese New Year and I have to go back to Kedah, or going for interview so I have to go down to KL."

"Ask your friends along?"

"I don't have any friends coming along."

I turned away, faced my PC and worked the shit out of me. Because I am scared. Because my heart's weeping. What happened to me? Now I have realised I never been to a trip with anyone. Once, only because I have to back Ipoh and my friend wanted me to bring him around, so I brought him. That's not a trip. That's a convenience.

Did I go to Autocity before? No
Pavillion? No
Seaside? No
Camping? No

21 years. Goddamn 21 years.

My parents said it's OK, "We will bring you around if we are able to."


And you know, the time I hang out with Vancy and Puaycian? Puaycian said, "Wow, it's the first time we all watch movies together."

I wept again.

Christmas, everyone checking in and out on foursquare or whatever square they've got. I am alone in my room designing a Warcraft Map.

Things are going to change, people keep telling. Yeah, shit they do. I want to be alone now.

Maybe I should delete my facebook account once I graduated. Maybe just deactivate.

Why people keep telling me where they go and they never invited me?

OK, gotta go now. I don't want to talk. I can't see my blog now. Blurry eyes.

If the Storm Ends

What if this storm ends and I can't see you as you are now?
Raining December, stormy season
I am drifting alone for a reason
Bringing memories, of us together
What hope I have but better?
And then the rain comes, as I see
When I see you not with me
Been called with glorious name
But I feel like it's a game
Where you go by your friends
while I have to wait till the end
The people you be with, numerous
The people I go with, tears will burst
I hope for more
but only get sore
For we are nothing
out of something
I want to laugh with you as we go
I want to cry with you as we go
But I have neither reached this or that
while you have, but not with me, so sad
If the storm ends, I would walk away
I can't bear the look and words you say
If you are not here with me
so let my heart alone to be
Don't stomp my heart
and yet say never be apart
Because when I leave
there's nothing that will make me stay, with much grief
Because when I walk away
nothing will make my heart sway
If it comes down that I am a pilgrim of loneliness
Then I must continue my journey to the distance
Never stay on you for a chapter
Never be with you for any longer
If the storm ends...

Monday, December 3, 2012


Watch this video, I COMMAN YOU!!!
what? the letter 'D' is missing? that shows how much attention you spend on the video and how you ignore the video!
And please...
Rachel, from nobody to somebody, to buddy, a friend of mine, the HULK, has produced a video. Watch it and share it, scallywags!

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Reynolds Much

I, forgive me for my ignorance, didn't know books can have trailers. I have never thought of how books trailers might be. And when I first saw some glimpse of Alastair Reynolds' book trailer for his latest work "Blue Remembered Earth", I was like 'wow'.

Well, I read some of the reviews of the video and although the book is on the bookshelves of every major bookstores in the world (except Malaysia, from what I know), I think pretty many people have already read it. The reviews on the video tempt me to tear through the wrapper and read it, because one of the video comments is "Reynolds' video definitely has revealed all the plots on it, if you know where to look for clues."

Wait, video with clues?

So today I went to KLCC's Kinokuniya Bookstore to search for it. In the last post, I remembered saying that the staff told me the paperback British version will only be on the shelf next year January. But today, I saw it! And without much hesitation, I bought it, in case I made the same mistake on Alastair's Chasm City, which after I hesitated, I regretted, because it took me almost 10 years to find it back.

I wanted to blue cover, like this one:

But I realised Kinokuniya has this:
I've heard from the author that the tagline "Book One of Poseidon's Children" has been removed. OK, this book is actually part of a trilogy, BUT, the stories are pretty much standalone. How can that be? It is because, when you read all three, the much larger scale of plot is unleashed. And for your info, this book plot spans from 22nd century to 11,000 years in the future.
Don't get stunned, because he wrote a book spanning up to 6 million years in the future (Though I don't really like that book, it's the weakest of all of his works)
Cool huh?
So get one now! Before you suffer the 10-year fate like me!
PS: I have now all his works! Except Zima Blue.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012


So much about Vernian, or Vernean, or Vernien (derived from Vernes) the author of Journey to the Centre of the Earth. Strange but loyal followers-cum-believers of Vernes are regarded as the listed callings above.

Me? I am afraid I am falling into a black hole brought to life by Alastair Reynolds. I first read his novel when it was the year 2006 or so. It was the less-than-half-a-dozen times trip to KL and my aunt brought my family and I to 1Utama.

I brought wreckage at the double-storeyed MPH bookstores.

I saw his book. And I knew mum wouldn't let me to buy it (because of my poor results, lazy attitude). So I just 'window-booking'. But then, mum suddenly allowed me to buy books. My elder bro asked me wanna buy some books author called "Alla something". I sensed his thoughts. I raced to the shelves and took the first book out of the entire lot, titled "Pushing Ice".

Alastair Reynolds, konon. 'Alla something', huh?

There are two factors that drove me to buy this title. And please don't laugh at me.

Number 1: the cover page is blue. It is close to copper (ii) sulphate solution colour. My favourite colour. My precious.

Number 2: the time setting is not too far fetch. Just around 2057. Half a century from now. But drives the entire crew to 260 light years away, stumbling an 18,000-year-old human relic.

For the science nerds, your jaw may fall. How can the time and light (years) don't add up? Nothing travels faster than the speed of light! Well, go read this book. Alastair definitely did not write anything about FTL (faster-than-light).

Now, the new trilogy (not really in series. It's broken into 3 books with standalone characters, but continuous quest and journey and adventure) called the Poseidon's Children is out next year for UK version in M'sia Kinokuniya!

Me likey!

Best thing is, it has a book trailer. @@

Friday, November 23, 2012

The Cobbler (Story of my KL life)

Based on a true story/experience of mine.

My shoe was ripped when I walked and tripped on a carpet. I went to a cobbler by a street and asked him to fix for me. And thus we exchanged a few words. More than a few, I assure you.

He came from Indonesia, and he is currently taking over his uncle's job as his uncle has gone back to Indonesia 'balik kampung'. He is a very shy guy. He quietly sits by a low stool and stare at passerbys with his big mouse-like eyes, hoping one of the busy business people would stop by and have their shoes cleaned or fixed.

I remembered the moment he smiled when I approached him.

'Kasut rosak?' he asked, staring down at my right foot.

I nodded.

'Dua-dua pun mesti buat,' he said firmly.

In my heart, I was thinking: what? This is a cheater! How can he fix both my shoes when only one of mine is spoilt! I looked down to my left foot. The 'unharmed' one. He pointed at it and instructed me to take it off. At first, I was very reluctant. Then, just for the sake of getting my shoes done quickly so I could get back to work, I took of my left shoe.

To my surprise, I realised my left shoe was cracked (quietly) along the sole and the leather. It was barely noticeable unless I twist my shoe in an odd angle! How could he know!

So I took off my shoes, sat on another stool and began a conversation with him. But he told me to have my meal first. I couldn't refuse. I went to gobble my food and ran back there and continued our talk.

Through the conversation, I have begun to understand more about myself: I am introvert. Very introvert. I prefer to get myself smiling for tiny little deeds and never laugh out loud. I love joining small companies and have a nice and neat chit-chat, rather than a thunderous laughter and roaring shouts of parties. I don't like beer, as such. I don't even like my close friend touching strong alcohols. I mean, you can have a can, but don't drown yourself with a dozen.

Rude. Immoral.

I take care of people, but I require the same, because I am taking pieces of my heart to care for people, and so I need them to  repair me as well. Reciprocity. That's who I am.

I want people to feel warm when they are with me. I stick very close to a particular group. I belong to that group and that group must have me. I cannot tolerate that group going off finding others and be grouped with them.

And because of such needs, I need a close companion. Not of a lover, but something different. Unfortunately, in this world, people like such is very rare. So rare that till now I have yet to come across with such. Maybe I should visit institutes for the special people and autistics. Perhaps I can find there. It's not an insult, it's true.

'You tak suka happy dengan banyak orang?' I asked, forgive my broken language.

'Tak,' he shook his head as he sewed my shoes. 'Sorang happy lagi best dari dibuat happy oleh dia orang.' He flashed me with a semi-toothless smile.

So did I get my right companion that I wish for? I don't think so. So far, that Z. Yang is like a flashbulb. Sometimes bright and sometimes dim. Sometimes warm and sometimes cold. Sometimes near and yet so far because I know he has a lot of people he needs to shine at.

So definitely not him. Perhaps I got myself a wrong wish. But at the first place, why do I have such wish?

My last semester is coming, part of me want to spend this entire semester alone. Just some tag-alongs and piano friends. I already made two mental trips down to Kuala Lumpur secretly. I didn't make it last time, but this time round, I have already made such bookings. I love Kuala Lumpur for one thing, it gave me the warmth of being alone. The fire of solitude.

It's... nice.

My shoes got fixed in 30 minutes. Something struck in my head. The cobbler smiled at me again. I asked him to wait, took a pair of spare slippers from him and dashed to a bread shop, bought a RM5 wholemeal cereal, cheese + chicken + lettuce burger and ran back to the cobbler.

'Berapa?' I asked.

'Dua kasut, RM15,' he said with a nod.

I took out RM20, and handed him the burger. 'Makan kenyang-kenyang. For you.'

He was surprise. Maybe I was imagining, but I am sure his eyes was wetter by 5%. He grinned from ear to ear, with reddened cheeks. 'Tuk saya?'

'Ya, from me, to you, with love and thanks,' I am not sure whether he understands that, but he kept nodding. 'Makanlah, saya nak balik kerja. Thanks, bye!'

And I spun, taking my petty careful steps - not to spoil my shoes again - to my office.

In the crowded streets of CapSquare, Kuala Lumpur, the body heat maybe intolerable. But I am sure that I am giving something of heat that's not quite the same:

The heat that smiles.

Sunday, November 11, 2012


What have I been pursuing for the last ten years? I longed to have a very, very best friend/brother. The one that looks like we grew up playing together, sharing stuffs and stuffs more. Because of that, I have turned into a hideous monster. A very possessive and insisting monster.

What is it I have got for one year plus? A human being nothing but enslaved for responsibility and dependency. Is that what I am getting after ten years? I have asked myself for many times. What is it that I want? Did I get it/

It seems like a strong 'yes' in the first few months, but the answer has subsided, or melted, into something in between hesitation and ignorance. What is it that I want actually? I now realise, this dream I have been pursuing is still a dream. Impossible. Presposterous. Unless time flows back to when I am a kid, I go and mix and find someone to grow up with.

Petty nonsense, isn't it?

So instead of continue dreaming about it, I made my first move: Move.

I will give myself a space. 5 years, perhaps. I don't know how long it would take. But I hope the lines would snap off gracefully across the time to my graduation ceremony. I don't want any ropes tying on someone so strong that I feel hurt to severe it.

Alone, may be much better.

Brotherhood is all but a dream. In fact there is someone I treasure most. I don't know why. The comfort I get, the confidence I gain. It's nothing compared to what had happened all these times.

I am happy now.

I am liberated.

May all of you bless me.

TQ. Till we meet again.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Day 0 - Internship Log

Landed at Sri Damansara yesterday and tonight is the night I should be preparing for tomorrow's first day of internship training. Yay. Too bad this house only has broadband service which is a super slow one. But never mind, I don't think I can online often too, but I will try my best to update my blog every day for these log entries.

Dada and mama backed to Ipoh already, somehow I feel alone. But I hope it's ok cuz last time when I felt the same feeling, it eases away two days later.

I miss my bruder very much. I want to hug him again. =(. I don't know how to describe the feeling. I want to see his face and hear him laugh again. Now I know how much of a fuel to me as a driver forward.

I made a promise, to be a better guy within these 3 months. I want him to be proud of me. Of course, my family is already proud of me and I am going to make them proud-er. But now I am talking about my bruder. I want him to see me as a grown guy, no longer such 'kecil hati' anymore. I have trained my emotions and I will continue. Last time my emotion line is like this:

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ where by the upper peak is angry and lower peak is sadness.

I have trained to less angrier and the sad peak is still there. Gotta control ownself before controlling others, they say, eh?

I whisper to myself this: once I get back to Kampar, the first thing I am going to do after chugging my luggage down is run to his house and give him a bear hug so tight that we can feel our heartbeats.

Hehe.. Nuff said, gotta sign off. Love ya!

Friday, September 14, 2012

WarCraft ||| Map

I don't know what to describe me. I know it's exam time but I have done such things:
I have designed a WarCraft III Map!
It took me two days but not exactly more than 30 hours in doing it, because I have short attention span. One minute I am designing it, and another minute I study my notes. And without further ado, I present to you, my map (inspired by the geological features from my novel)!
ABOVE: So, this is a bird-eye view of the entire map. Top left corner is Player 1's (YOU) base. And the base is situated at a hill surrounded by a wall and a thick door. Look, this is a screenshot of it:
ABOVE and BELOW: Notice the agrarian culture of your city. But look out, you might think it is safe to hide behind the walls and just mine, mine and mine gold and resources huh? Well you are dead wrong! The door provided serves both as a defend and as a... door. Open the door and the enemies will swarm in, but if you don't, the enemies will have air assault on you! So what's your choice?
ABOVE: The farmer's wife and his children, happily minding their own business in shepherding and wheat-harvesting. They don't mean anything. Yes, seriously, they don't.
ABOVE: (Felwood) Why am I showing you this? Well, look carefully, something is hidden amidst the rocks. And a little spoiler, if your armies and heroes are below Level 4, do not enter this dangerous gloomy forest. Don't. Just, don't.
ABOVE: The grandest waterfall. (Though there is a reason why that statue is pointing in that direction. And there's a reason why that statue is that model)
ABOVE: The Green Dragon Valley. Yup, the name pretty obviously point to something there right? This is the valley shot. A lonely gold mine hopes to be exploit disastrously. The green forest on the right is actually growing on a tall mountain where... (no, not where the dragons lie)

ABOVE: The mysterious purple forest (Adapted from my novel: The Amethypurle Forest). The stag there is very shy... or frightened. But of what? Hehehe...

Oh, and there are so many features of the map I haven't blurted out yet because it's totally a spoiler. =P

Your mission is simple: Your King is captured by a strongforce and slained before you could do anything (unless you type cheat, you cheater!) and when he is revived at your altar, you have to eliminate all forces and get the land for your own.

In other words, kill all. But it is no ordinary map. The AI is different.

But the problem is, the purple forest is a bit problematic.

And another helpful hint: do NOT expect easy creeps everywhere. Everything is limited here.

OK, signing off.
Love ya!


BUDDHA: Our Great Teacher

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Nexus II (Sneak Peek)


'I'll shoot him in the head,' Dave threatened as he pointed the gun at Riev's right temple.

'You've tried that before and you've failed. Why don't you pick up something else to do?' the Traveller opened his arms as if welcoming Dave for a challenge.

'I've learnt my mistake, in case you wonder,' Dave said. 'Stop wasting my time.'

'You are not programmed to kill me, Dave. We've never been enemies for years,' the Traveller said gently.

'And we've never been friends either,' Dave powered up his gun and it glowed in intense blue. 'I am programmed to eradicate you now, Traveller.'

'Then do it,' the Traveller said, his tone unchanged.

'Not till you give what I - we - wanted,' he said.

'I have nothing with me. I didn't take anything you have. I don't steal, I don't hide,' the Traveller said.

'Jane Soutaine is not supposed to die,' Dave said.

'What?' Riev spoke out after his long silence.

Dave's gun pressed hard against Riev's temple, reminding him now who's in-charge.

'Jane Soutaine did not die. She is wanted by the Lords,' the Traveller explained.

'Stop making it sound so religious!' Dave yelled.

'If she's not supposed to die, why did you pursue her?' the Traveller grinned.

Dave pointed the gun at the Traveller. 'Bring her back.'

'It's no use. The Lords have her already.'

'You are the Traveller. You travel between dimensions. You've seen the Lords. Go and ask of her.'

'I'm afraid she is not what she was. Put that gun down, It won't hurt me. I am a dimension-mix,' the Traveller said.

Dave removed a small casing near the handle of the gun and showed the intestinal lining of the gun. There was a cylindrical motor that glowed purple. 'Interdimensional engine. The bullet will adjust accordingly to the dimensions.'

'But you won't survive at higher dimension,' the Traveller said.

'The gun will be preset to fire its last target,' Dave said.

'You won't shoot me, Dave. You shoot me and you can't get anything you wanted,' the Traveller said.

Everything happened too fast. One moment the argument seemed to be carrying on, and another moment later a blinding flash washed over the room. When everything resumed to normal, the Traveller was on the ground and Dave's gun was sizzling with blue ember before reducing to red ember and turned black.

'See, Traveller? This is where you are wrong. I did learn from my mistake,' Dave said.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

My Mind

B  L  A  N  K

Saturday, September 8, 2012

I Am A Beggar of Food

4 years and still without dinner mates. Can you believe that? Everytime I have to beg people to have dinner with me and most of the time nobody wants to. I am very, very sad and tired by the fact that I am so pitiful when it comes to eating.

Delivery? Hell, no. Delivery always makes my stomach out-turn, or maybe causes vomitting at the rear. Delivery food are so oily and unhealthy. One dish + Rice = RM4. Would you believe that? I mean if I eat occasionally, that would be OK for me. But every evening? Seriously?

I don't know if anyone could understand my sadness. I can see everyone going out for dinner and you can't join them because they say, 'Sorry, I have a date with friend already. Next time...' and some of them even have the choice to say 'I go out till sien already. Tonight I am cooking for dinner.' If you ask 'Can I join?', they would just reply, 'Huh? I cook only for myself..."

Sad, isn't it?

*Munching ChipsMore*

I don't eat alone. It feels even sadder. I don't want to look pitiful in front of public, especially when you see your friends having the meal at the same place with you.

*Forever Alone*

Then people ask about my bruder. 'Didn't he take you out for dinner?'

I choked on my saliva. Yes, he does, in a very, very rare occasion. I don't think he even knows how sad I am. If I were him, and he were me, I would have asked him for dinner before someone asked me out. And if someone really asked me out, I would ask him whether he wants me to tabao, or maybe, if I am going to somewhere exotic, like Secret Recipe, or Pizza Hut, I will somehow pack some snacks from there to bring for him. It's because I have a car (if I were him, I re-stress that point). I have a car and I will do whatever it takes to stop making him feeling lonely.

I will not choose to have fun meals with my friends if I know he hasn't taken meals and still hungry, hoping for someone to go out with him.

Yeah, lots of 'ifs'.

Sadly, things don't come that true to what you expect, right?

Hmm, one more semester and I'll be gone from UTAR's face. I hope I made a better change next time.

*Munching... eh? ChipsMore finished!*

Sad. Real sad.

I will carry my tears with me to my bed and lay them on my pillow.

If only I have dinner mates...

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Year 3 Begins! (Has begun)

So sorry about the error of title. Well, I set this blog up a long time ago but it was empty because the semester isn't over yet. Sadly, it is right now. As usual, each semester brings its own climax and colours. This semester, Piano Competition 2012. Awesome.
Well before that, internship and Final Year Project stuffs have been bugging me since the first week of my semester. Man, we searched high and low for our supervisors and we've got ourselves Ms Nurul Nabila. And yeah, our FYP is undergoing it's birthing process. If you ask me if there's any conflicts, well, of course there are. But what's the point pointing out conflicts and babble babble and babble? For me, find the root cause and get done with it. I see many people love to complain about their conflicts around.
Hey, you opt for world peace when there's war. How you contribute to world peace if you can't even have peace with your mind and people? =)
For my internship, I'm very very glad that I got myself into Citi Transaction Service under a very interesting department! Hell yeah, I remembered last time I was feeling forced to learn finance stuff when I am all about blackholes, wormholes and theoretical physics as well as mysterious marine bio. This time, I am going to make myself a real deal in the financial sector. My ambition is... very ambitious. Trust me, you don't want to know (unless I have told you)
I am going to start making connections wherever I'm possible when I am in KL soon. I want to make friends friends and FRIENDS. No more autistic behavior in me!
Haha, my parents used to encourage me to work in major cities but less complicated, like Penang, unfortunately, I land myself at the busy city of KL. Ha, I remembered my dad and mum asked me to choose in Ipoh.
Why Ipoh? I wanna LEARN. =). Strike for the big apple even if you know it might get worms! At least you know how big apple tastes like. OK, notice the word 'big apple' is in small letters, so I'm not referring to any country, right?
Deutsch.... Germany... *drools*
OK, back.
After these hectic stuffs, I am helping in Piano Competition (which is part of Music Fest 2012, comprising of Karaokay Competition, Piano Competition, Chinese Orchestra and Music Sharing). And my, I am proud of myself for scoring (for the first time) so well in academics even though I'm busy (except for one subject =(...)
Yeah, the committee has lots of conflicts as well, but hey, conflicts add colours, don't you think? Unless you are a quick-temper, hating, spiteful human, then you would view conflict as either only red in colour or taste it as sweet sugar because you love inciting a war.
No offence.
Throughout the course of getting the Piano Competition stuffs done, I am very glad I've met with so many pianists hidden in the campus! Including one super cute girl Eeleen. Well, before that, I didn't expect so many would turn up for audition. Yes, did I mention I am a judge? =P
And to attract people, me and Daniel made a cardboard piano. It looks... interesting and it does help in publicity and promotion. But I am very very sad at one thing:
FBF students are SOOOOOOO passive and lazy in campus stuffs. My goodness. Asking them to come for audition in Block C is like asking them to kill an elephant with a shaver. 3 years into this faculty and I didn't see any changes much. And FBF students just love to complain everything (besides being materialistic)
My gawd, I actually saw so many of them counting the 'service hours' left to claim their SSDC marks for being helpers. =.=... I mean, if you volunteer yourself as helper, can you just do your job properly? And some are even worse. You tell them the ticket price is RM10, they complain it's expensive; you tell them it's RM2, they say it's too cheap, and maybe the event is lousy; you tell them it's FREE, they say free stuffs are never good.
Sigh, I hope the future batch of FBF Students won't be like this.
OK, back.
This is the piano we made! (And thanks to Sock Thing who mentioned it's too small =.=) It took us 3 days to do it. Don't ask me the total cost of making this thing. Now I don't even know where is our piano. =(
During the finals, there's so many VIPs (OK, I hear you screaming the word VIP, if you know I am talking about you). And I got to know some of them. It's a fine night and I love the finalists.
These, behold, are the judges of the night! 28th July 2012! Look at how strict we are. From left  to right: Mr Soong Hoong Cheng, Mr JE Cheng, Ms Ang and of course, Mr Leong Min Zhi (Me).
And, and... my younger brother came to perform his superb medley (Cheng, 2012). HAHA. Happy to meet them all as my friends! Wow, I suddenly feel like I am entering into a pure adulthood relationship.
Look here, it's us! The judges (words in blue), committees (words in green) and finalists (words in purple)! From left to right: Leong Min Zhi, Soong Hoong Cheng, Hanson Loh, Ren Kai, Joseph Foo, Eeleen Ang, JE Cheng, Tang Jexen (emcee), WeiWei, Hui Shang, Ming Wei, Roy Ong, Mas, Boon Kiat, Eumene, Daniel, Adeline, Rosemary and Leon Gautier
This is the dinner we all cooked because Hui Shang didn't eat it before. We cooked it at Rosemary's house and guess what, the costs for one person to pay for this dinner (this + two big bottles of soft drinks) is only RM2.50! And it is superfilling. (Photos by Hui Shang)
During Music Night, I am glad I am able to meet my bro. Haha. He is one of my most important people I've ever met in my campus life. He's changed somehow. I can't point what or where, but he's changed. =). According to Hui Shang, we look very much alike (even Wendy also says so) So this is the photo of us of the night, except our hair, do we really look alike? Hmm...

 Haha, JuanWyn (Bro) and I know each other around two years ago, during my Year 1 Sem 1 days. I never thought time would fly that fast. Hope he's fine at Setapak. All the best to him. He has my wishes and blessings.

 And this, my other most important people in my life, is needless to say. I should thank him for everything this semester, including how we sort out our conflicts. I don't know what's our future after this, but I hope it goes well. =)

 Till then, that's all for my semester...

Oh, oh.. I hope I can post up a daily log of my intern days... Keep you guys updated!

Lots of Love and Cheers

Tuesday, September 4, 2012


|               |
|   **PRIDE**   |

Monday, September 3, 2012


OK. Chip's back. The last time he (I pretty sure it's a 'he') appeared was around a few years back on my very very old disposed blog. So, say HI again to that chip (or French Fries)!

This time, Chip is going to talk about BROMANCE.

What is bromance?
It is actually a affectionate relationship between two guys, thus coining the term from 'brothers' and 'romance'.

But bromance does not necessarily includes sexual love. It is only a term describing the intense relationship between guys that is beyond besties but never lovies.

What does a 'bromantic' people do?
They are just like you and me. They have fun together, such as camping and hiking, maybe shopping. It's just most oftenly they are seen together having time. They are very close to real brothers, and sometimes even more. They can just sit down and chat whatever topic they want. They can care for each other whenever either one is in need of care and comfort. They share food and toys. They can share their clothes too!

Virtually everything they possess can be shared among themselves, which except their love partners such as girlfriends and wives (or boyfriends and husbands if they happen to be homosexuals). But note that even being homosexuals does not mean whatever 'bromantic' relationships they get into must be a homosexual relationship.

They are just as simple as you care for me, I care for you. To what depth and breadth of the care, it's up to the comfort zone of the two brothers.

Why some people reject bromance?
Maybe because they perceive it is morally 'wrong' to have such close male friends with them. It feels itchy to have some male who cares about you all the time. Some even think that bromance maybe homosexual in nature, or maybe a precursor to homosexuality.

Guys should get girls, not guys, so the saying goes. OK, there's no such saying. Just made that up. But it is true that some guys prefers a reciprocal care with a girl, but never a guy. It feels awkward to have a guy who asks you frequently 'Have you eaten?' or 'I bought you some food' or even 'I've got a present surprise for you!'

But come back and think about it, do all those means both of you are in love? I mean a romantic sexual love?

You care about the hungry people in Africa. You want to give them food. Well, that's care. And if your brothers (not real brothers, if you haven't noticed from the beginning of the article) care about you by getting you food when you're hungry, is that gay? Is that WRONG?

If yes, then don't give food to anyone who needs it, it's homosexual.

If no, then what's exactly your reason to reject bromance?

Chip has something to say: whatever mentioned in this post is just my mere opinion and does not reflect full-creditability for academic purposes or references. And it doesn't mean 100% correct and precise. So, don't sue me!


Now I found out you never acknowledge my presence in front of everyone. Not my existence, but presence. You are like making me feel that I am something very very lowbeing, except in front of me, you mengagung-agungkan me. What's the use anyway? I am still a lowlife bitch.

I got 'bland'. I feel tired. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be the one who suffer all this shit. If you are so afraid of acknowledging me in public, then don't acknowledge me at all, at any time. I don't want that fake treatment.

I know now I am a stupid bitch. I hope after my internship and when I come back, I don't want to acknowledge you anymore.

I prefer X. X is better. X cares for me most at times when I need X. You? You only know how to say the same things again and again. X is different. X tries to understand the problem and help me out of it and at the same time advising me and comforting me. You? Pure comfort.

Does that make a difference? Yes, (un)fortunately.

I hate you.

I never say something that crude before, but yes, I hate you. I hate you for making me trapping in this twisting world of relationship. I hate you for so fearing of acknowledging me (even asking you to take a photo of us is like asking you to cut your head into pieces).

Well, I'm done. I should NOT do anything anymore. Let it be and let our relationship fades off like a nova after time.


PS: I chose to swallow this bitter pill and in hope, in time, the pill does me good more than harm and in time, it will get digested and I will never ever know you.

Saturday, September 1, 2012


I still miss X. I want X to come back. I want to see X's face and smile. X's care still warms my heart eventhough X is not here. X cares for my meals. X cares for my being. X cheers me everytime even when we are just chatting.




Sunday, August 26, 2012

Nexus (Chapter 12)



----------END OF TRANSMISSION----------
Author's note:
Nexus is a story stemmed off from a super-short story called 'The Shell' which involves a journey and adventure of an information gatherer dwelling a supercomputer called Earth. The idea Earth as a unique computer has already mentioned by other authors (as also mentioned in Nexus) such as Douglas Adams in his novels. But the idea of information gatherer is entirely my own (as far as I know).
I do believe that we are all in a tangled mess of networks (or nexus), like the brain cells. And I do believe that if we attempt to severe the connections, the results would be very interesting: an individual entity with own knowledge and information, unable to pass to anyone else and free from encumberances.
Throughout the course of writing, I've made several errors. To that, I thank my dear friends Roy and Silvertongue for pointing out the flaws (indirectly) and editting them as well as taking their time to read my story. Their way of hunting clues has made me move forward and tight for a better chapter. And also, I would like to say that, this story is for my bruder (brother), an avicor, for without him, I would have lost my confidence in writing again. It's your bedtime story, my brother, if you want.
Lastly, to add more thrill in reading and solving riddles, here are some questions that require some proper answer. The answers are well hidden in the story. Find them out:
a) Why didn't Dave killed Jane in the beginning?
b) Is there any other Eraserheads besides Dave after the year 7098?
c) Where did the 42 survivors come from?
To me, Dave is an interesting character. I also asked myself one question: since the cryogenics knew the existence of Dave, what is Dave's future after that? Will N.O.N. remains? Does the cryogenics know about the existence of N.O.N.? How do the Superior Beings look like?
And most importantly, should I write a sequel to this?

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Nexus (Chapter 11)

DATE   : 21 OCT 7098
TIME   : 1342HR

She looked at the dead body on the ground. Insects already started to creep all over his body. His eyes were still wide opened in terror with a bullet hole straight into his forehead. She kicked him gently to make sure he's really dead.

"So," the man, Riev, started. "Jane Soutaine really saves us after all."

"Go and establish an uplink communicator. I need to report the status. And please, wake the others up. It's time for us to work things out," she told Riev. Riev nodded and went back to the vehicle. She caressed the dead body's face. "I am sorry I have to do this. But it's for your own good."

The dead body gradually vanished into nothing.


DATE   : 14 OCT 7098
TIME   : 1201HR

The vehicle started to warm her mind first. The timing has to be accurate. The orders had been sent. The protocol had to be followed. And the vehicle ran through the list of what it should do. Yes, it should warm her mind before everything else.

All 42 humans were being frozen in stasis, or simply known as cryogenics. When their body core temperature reached to almost absolute zero, they were held in time forever, as long as the caskets which contained them did not malfunction. The cruel temperature had lowered all metabolism as well as thoughts, thus the 'chain' as described by the Traveller vibrated in a much lower frequency, barely detectable by the machines which scanned for intelligence.

Now her mind temperature increased to about a thousandth Kelvin. The neurones in her brain began to active. Chemical signals started running from one terminal to another terminal. For a few hours, a sense of self was created.

She was waking up.

By now the sentient scanner should be able to pick up her brain signals. Or maybe not. But the vehicle has simultaneously warmed the remaining 41 cryogenics. That should be a strong signal for that machine to pick up.

In her mind, she smiled. She could feel the vehicle implanting a brain-computer interface. She felt the mainframe computer of the vehicle. She 'typed' the command by thinking. She needed to be exposed, something like firing a flare for anyone to see her. She assimilated herself into the vehicle. For a moment the dark line that separated the difference between organism and machine instantly vanished. Her eyes can look into the heavens and beyond. Her ears can hear the different humming of cellular walls.

And then she got blinded by a very intense light. She cleared her mind (which she couldn't differentiate whether it was her mind or the computer processor, perhaps both) after a few seconds and came to a conclusion that someone had just laser-beamed at her (or the vehicle). Someone was trying to communicate with her.

She smiled again. She was found finally. She tracked the source of the laser and found that it came from outer space. No, definitely not alien because the source was sending a heap of games and riddles to her in Common Language.

More fun, perhaps. But that could get her mind going for a while before she really get down into business. And she didn't forget her mission. At the same time she thought of a sentence and laser-beamed it back to the source. The sentence was: "I WANT TO SEE YOU".

Then she minded her own business with those games.


DATE   : 21 OCT 7098
TIME   : 0723HR

She had finally finished her riddles. She laser-beamed it back to the source and waited for a response. At the same time she rummaged through her mission objectives. She would never forget she was intended to do. But first, she had to lure the source first to her side. She sent another message to give whoever sending those riddles a huge mind shock, "WHO ARE YOU?"

She waited for a moment. Then she 'opened' her ears far and wide, trying to listen any details from the source. At first all she could hear was just whispers, but then it grew louder and the words she got it out from the conversation was 'Jane Soutaine'. That's it. That's the pressure point she needed to urge the source to come to her. She quickly compiled the words and sent to the source as "JANE SOUTAINE"

Ah, that should be enough to lure her prey over. Hopefully nobody had betrayed her. And she quietly and patiently waited.


DATE   : 21 OCT 7098
TIME   : 1004HR

The vehicle slowly increased her body temperature, attempting to wake her up fully. The guest was arriving fast. She could sense it. The vehicle also increased another man's temperature.

Two is always better than one.


DATE    : 21 OCT 7098
TIME    : 1400HR

The woman looked at the screen and waited the connection to stabilise. She waited and then she smiled when it was fine.

"Target terminated," she reported.

"Very well, you may have peace," the screen talked back.

"Thank you," the woman said.

The screen went black.


DATE    : 21 OCT 7098
TIME    : 1639HR

He woke up.

Everything was blurry to him. He could trace out the carpet and plush cushions. He saw the windows that opened to darkness and he saw a bowl of overturned strawberries.

He leapt up immediately, and he regretted that: his bones were groaning and grumbling.

As if his mind was not his own, he uttered, "Where am I?"

"Nice to meet you," a familiar male voice spoke. It was deep and gentle. And he appeared from another room. "Remember me?"

He was surprised. His leg turned into jelly. "Traveller? The Traveller? Wait, where is this place? The Spire? Where am I? A dream?" he went hysterical. This was not a joke at all. Whoever pranked him, this was not funny. He would twist anyone's neck and break them into pieces for this.

He ran to a door. He needed to get out. But where? Where can he go?

"Sit down, we have a lot to talk about," the Traveller instructed.

"No, I am not listening to you. I must be in heaven, or a residual memory from Jane Soutaine. I was shot. That Riev guy shot me. Breasts... no, no.. nipples... icy...It cannot be... it..." he couldn't take it. It felt so real.

"You have quite an interesting encounter, but hear me out please. Sit down and we'll have a talk," the Traveller offered a cushion as he sat.

He had no choice. He closed the door and went back to the cushion gingerly.

"Which part of you got shot?" the Traveller asked.

"Here," he pointed at his forehead. But then his forehead was smooth. No sign of bullet entry. "That's strange... where is the bullet hole?"

"No, there is no ordinary bullet," the Traveller said. "You took a bullet that made of a material that made me stuck here. The mirror material, remember that? I stepped on it and I am transported to a higher dimension to feel things."

He stood up immediately. "I am in a higher dimension?"

"Everything that touches the mirror material will take you to a local dimension where the mirror was made. So yes, you are being transported to a higher dimension because of that bullet," the Traveller smiled. He stood up as well, "Come here, let me show you something." The Traveller walked to the window.

He followed, as if he had a choice. He stared out into the night sky. There were no stars to be seen. But there was a very strange thing out there: a perfectly spherical, silver structure the size of a basketball held at arm's length. But the silver sphere had some flaws. When he looked carefully, the silver sphere was made out of several thousand circular bands. It's like a giant rubber band spere, only that the rubber bands were aligned in perfect parallels. The flaws he saw was some specks of dark stained on it.

"You might be wondering what's that," the Traveller said. "That is Earth, being protected by a shell. And that shell is made of mirror material. I call it quicksilver. People from the Earth or any of it's similar dimensional entities cannot see this quicksilver sphere because of it's higher dimension. It's like a picture from a flat screen can never see us, nor it can climb out from the screen. And those black specks you see are actually the pieces that fell to Earth. They solidify into visible materials as it collapsed from a higher dimension to three dimensions. That shard rocked the Earth in huge earthquakes, like the Saharan megaquake. And I stepped on it," the Traveller grinned.

"What's the use of the sphere?" he asked.

"It's just a casing. You do know that Earth is a computer, am I right? Don't ask me how I know. Your memories are dispersed on this dimension plane which I could easily pick up," the Traveller said. "You don't have to look so disgusted. Anyway, the silver sphere only encases the Earth to protect it from being contaminated from any entity from this dimension. You do know also that it was the superior beings of this dimension who created the Earth computer."

He nodded slowly. "Where's Jane?" he asked.

"Come, sit down again," the Traveller offered. "Hmm, that's an interesting topic to talk about. Pardon me if my sentences go too... messy. Ask when you need to."

"I am fine with that. Go, speak," he said.

"Ever wonder why you know so much about Jane Soutaine's stuffs even when you know that she had been 'harvested' for information? You do know that as long as Jane is not here, nobody should have known of her existence or anything that happened around her, because all information about that was with her and she is being harvested," the Traveller said.

His jaw went loose and dropped. "Then Jane is still alive somewhere... Or maybe she had passed her information to other humans."

"Yes, but not quite," the Traveller said.

"Huh?" his mind went dizzy. What did that phrase mean?

"You see, at the beginning, Jane is very problematic - I assume that you have accessed to all those information about her - and as an information gatherer, she has to know everything but there's one thing she cannot know, which is the knowledge that Earth is a computer made by the superior beings," the Traveller said.

"Yeah, I know she is problematic. She killed us all, well nearly," he said bitterly.

"No, not that problematic. She is problematic because she knew the world is a computer the moment she realised forty two square kilometres of land vanished around Sahara. She knew something is strange about Earth. This is dangerous. The superior beings overlooked at this anomaly. They had already overlooked that the quicksilver is eternally strong until it started cracking. Maybe because of this cracking, the external universe from other dimensions are able to leak in and somehow got a lock with Jane's brainwave. But even though she knows she is going to be an information gatherer, she rejected. The sense of rejection is so strong that the superior beings fear that their precious computer will collapse. If she rejects to be an information gatherer, humanity will be stagnant that nobody has new information and she has all information."

"Information dominion, huh?" he laughed. "How bad can that be? She can be queen!"

"No. Think of this, what can you offer to a mouse? Or worse, an amoeba? That's the gap we are talking about between humans if Jane is not to be taken out from the computer. Nobody could understand what she is trying to convey. And if the poor people were to group together, the force is so strong that Jane will go hysterical in this strange world condition. A psychotic environment so hostile that nobody can survive."

"I survived all those years of isolation," he said.

"It's not about isolation in this sense. It's a sense that her brain could not comprehend herself. A detachment will occur. She will have a stronger urge to be taken out from Earth. After taken out, new information can then be processed on Earth as additional stimulus might be induced by the superior beings. Certain information can be preserved. It is like a screen: when Jane leaves, it leaves behind a shadow. That shadow contains necessary information that needs to be preserved."

"Why don't she just wait for the stimulus and then leave after that? I think humanity still survive for that..." he said.

"If she's not taken out, even if there's new stimulus, it would eventually find the way to Jane, and Jane will be corrupted by information overload."

"Oh... so that's problematic..."

"No, you only know half of the story. Jane knows that Earth is not what she thinks it is, which means another thing the superior beings have overlooked. That is, Jane is an information gatherer and she also knows about the Earth is a computer. So, Dave is sent to kill her to stop her from trying to tell everyone Earth is a computer," the Traveller said.

"So Dave also knows that the Earth is computer..."

"He always knows. The Superiors designed Dave and his group of people to become Eraserheads, They are programmed to destroy any threats of people knowing the true nature of the Earth."

"But you also know that the Earth is a computer and you are not killed by Dave!" he exclaimed.

"Supposedly, after the earthquake happened at Sahara, I should be deleted from this computer. But somehow the Superiors sensed that Jane also knew about the anomaly and the trouble of her spilling out her concerns might spark and uncontrol loop that the computer will never find its solution. She has to be killed and I have to be deleted. When they realise that the Eraserheads are taking action, the Superior got relieved. But there was nobody else to delete me, because I stepped on the mirror before they eliminate me. I got travelled to this dimension and the Superiors were horrified. I am not the information gatherer, so I shouldn't be here, and they sent me down but since I cannot go back down as before like a normal human because of the dimension travel has altered my physics, I am elected by the Superiors to ferry all the information gatherers. I become the link between dimensions. Thus my secret building of the Spire nobody saw it. It is because the matter it was used to build was... enigmatic."

"So Dave cannot kill you because you become more powerful than him?"

"No, he doesn't recognise me as a threat. He only recognises me as a new software input for the computer. So I don't care about him and so does he," the Traveller said.

"But Jane... how? She is an information gatherer which the Superiors wanted her, but she is wanted dead by Dave..."

"That's why I've said she is problematic. But during the confrontation happened here whereby Dave pointed a gun on her skull, she had made a stunning move. She blacked out my Spire and descended to Earth with all the information and knowledge bestowed upon her."

"She had so much time to do so many things?"

"Like I said, she made a stunning move. Nobody expected her to do that. Nobody knew what was going on. She wanted to save humanity and wanted to save her own life. She wanted to warn the people about the danger of Earth being a computer. If she were to stay by my side a little longer, Dave couldn't kill her, because Jane and I would be transitioning to a higher dimension, which Dave could not tolerate as he only exists on Earth," the Traveller said.

"But she chose to risk her life and save humanity rather than be an information gatherer to fulfill her task," he said.

"Yes, especially not everyone has the chance to come to a higher dimension and meet someone so godlike," the Traveller said.

"How many information did the so-called Superiors harvested?" he asked.

"Less than ten. The last one wiped out the dinosaurs," the Traveller said.

"So Jane is the first human who is an information gatherer?"

"Species doesn't matter to the Superiors," the Traveller replied.

"And you interpreted that Jane is still alive somewhere?"

"Yes," the Traveller answered.

"Then what the hell am I doing here?" he asked. "You said she is alive, go find her then. Why me? I am not an information gatherer. I am not the one you look. Why the woman killed me? Are they the Eraserheads?"

"Dear, they are not the Eraserheads. They are the survivors. You saved humanity," the Traveller smiled widely.

"Me? You are talking nonsense now," he was surprised.

"Someone knew you have to be 'harvested'. You have to die in some way to prevent the knowledge of Earth as a computer to be spread like wildfire, but at the same time the Superiors want you."

"Me?" he repeated.

"But now the computer has just got its new stimulus, which is the survivors already knew your existence but they will never know they are living as parts of a computer," the Traveller still smiling widely.

"Me?" he stuttered.

"Dear, you are Jane Soutaine. You turned into a man and hide from us for many years, altering your memory to elude us and that's your stunning move."

DATE    : 31 MAR 4984
TIME    : 1722HR

"You knew too much," Dave said, with a gun pointing at her head.

She remembered the special materials made up the ground. Quickly she spun around, hacked Dave's hand with her bare hands. Dave howled in pain as his gun dropped to the ground. She kicked him hard on his belly till he bent double and went unconscious. She thought of an electromagnetic pulse bomb with a simple switch to flick.

And the bomb really appeared next to her. Perfectly spherical and silver, just like she had imagined.

"Jane, do not do this," the Traveller warned.

"I don't fuckin' care. This has to stop," she went to flick the switch. But there was a huge rumbling noise and the ground shook. She was swept off the feet by that massive quake.

"We are moving to a better regime. The engine seems to be better than I've thought," the Traveller wondered.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" she screamed.

"You are going to be harvested, silly," he smiled, "Harvested at a higher dimension.

"Fuck you, this shit is not going to happen."

"If you remains in your dimension, Dave will kill you. If you choose to leave, you are being..." he lost for the word. He struggled a little and came up with a worse word, "appreciated. All the chains bound between you and a zillion other things will snap and you will be free."

"Fuck you, Traveller. You are playing games with me and I am going to end this right here, right now," she stretched her hand and flicked the switch.

Everything went black. All electronics are fried. She could hear the engine sputtered and ignited in definite staccatos. She presumed they were all trapped in the transition between her own plane of universe to the higher dimensional universe.

She felt her mind ache. It's not a headache, but brain ache. There are no pain receptors in her brain, but why is this happening?

She groaned.

Probably a process of being harvested.

"Need to escape..."

And she did. She summoned four hundred cubic metres of the floor and transformed it into a medical ship to descend to Earth before it's too late for her to return. And at the same time, she performed a surgery on herself. She needed to save the humans. She needed to be there on Earth.

She couldn't just leave Earth.


DATE    : 21 OCT 7098
TIME    : 1415HR

The servitor wheeled restlessly at the hall. It panicked and it was very impatient. Yes, yes, it got the news from Earth but now it had to calm itself down.

A display screen came alive. It couldn't see the face, but the sound was struggling to emanate from the speakers.

It held a microphone and spoke, "Jane Soutaine has been eliminated, My Lord."

There was a loud hissing voice at the background. After a huge sigh of relieve, it replied:

"Well done, Dave."