I have a surge of feeling developing in me and I want to tell someone about it. I need to share. I need to release. The surge is like a tidal stress, stressing my heart at its polar. It is as if my heart is going to blow any time sooner.
People say, distance is not everything. Sometimes distance makes both people closer. True? I don't know. I think I start to feel the same. Recently, I can hear some tone from my friends whom I met and be with every day with some snort of irritation, annoyance and "please-be-quick-at-your-point-'cuz-I-don't-want-to-hear-every-single-bit".
It kinda hurts you know.
So, maybe I screw things up. Maybe I am a little too much dependent. Life without someone is body without soul. Is that a true proverb? Whatever. Who cares.
I also heard someone today telling me that I have hurt people's heart indirectly and unintentionally. I am truly sorry! T^T I didn't mean to! Sometimes I made up hurtful stories to someone just to make that someone can be the character of my hurtful stories. I am telling B how better of is A treating me doesn't mean I complain about B, I am just wanting B to know that I hope B can be A.
Ah, Aquarius. Curious and complicated. =.=
F has been constantly asking me is it worth for whatever I am doing now, including treating somebody so nice that that somebody didn't even care a shit about me, or at least some shit.
I answered, I don't know. I have to keep trying. It's not like I have failed my first friendship once. It's been numerous times. I have to keep trying until I hit the right buttons. It's tiring, depressing, frustrating.
But I just keep trying. A mindless robot to everything.
Sometimes Rachel does help me sooth things out a bit. Whenever I talk to her, even though not about my personal stuff, at least she is paying attention. I can release a little pressure out from my over-boiling kettle.
Oh, I don't know. Everyone's been busy and I am like, standing in the middle of the ocean staring at the fishing boats busy fishing.
SRC has been busy.
Events has been busy.
Coursemates has been busy (paktor, sleep, rushing back hometown...)
Bruder has been busy.
I am... what, free?
Sometimes I purposely free up my own time to spend with others. But it seems like... sigh.
I make a wrong move last semester. And I am still falling deeper because I still believe it is NOT a wrong move.
Aquarius. Wake up.
Oh, and one other thing. I have JUST been looked down upon, especially by .... ( I don't want to say much. You know, I know)
That hurts. That friggin' hurts. That effing hurts. You know?
Imagine you tell your father: "You are nobody." and I am feeling exactly like you father right now.
Whatever. Trying to contain.
I SHOULD try one whole fortnight without bursting any emotions. I have to contain everything. If people can do it, why can't I?