Dramatic drama last night nearly spur into something unimaginable. I nearly made my brother utterly, utmostly, extremely sad and disappointed and hurt. It is unforgivable. I keep telling myself this.
I dumped him here and there like a sandbag. I never thought how he felt when I did so.
I remembered watching C & O. I remembered seeing how O waited for C to cool down every time C got furious or frustrated. O is the one who is so patient and still keep things hold together.
I remembered watching Frodo and Sam. Even though Sam is just Frodo's gardener, in the end of time of War of the Rings, the relationship they developed, through trust and love, in the end, shows that it is inseparable. Even did they separate, even the tears fall, Sam still has Frodo as his best master, or friend.
Now, I have one such person on my side and I didn't appreciate just because I am too protective over him till I focused too much. He is my main driver of energy and every time I lost him, I hate him. I am being childish I know.
After yesterday's drama, I realised many stupid things I have thought. Just because he is busy, then I started to avoid him and get another life just to make myself believe I can live through this. Just because he is having fun, I went to make crazier prank on people just to show myself I can be fun.
What is this all about?
If he is that active and fun, why should I follow? My heart used to tell me I should be like him. A twin. But it didn't. It didn't turn up as both of us like Rogulas. We are more like Avicors. Two dragon-birds that bound to be caring for each other, but not bound to be like each other (WARNING: the word "like" here means "alike", not "love"). I have to tell myself over and over again that it is his life and this is mine. It is impossible I ram into his life.
Anywaym long live the brothers!
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