20.11.2011

Woke up at 7.40am today, thought someone rang me up. No. Just my imagination, fell back to sleep, but woke up again at 8.15am.

Today I don't know what I should do. Since yesterday, my head starts to ache again. I can't stop seeing myself being a jerk. The feeling of having a thin line that I am holding onto to link with someone and some group... the feeling of that line is so weak that I put immense energy to preserve it.

Now it's going to snap.

I put so much effort on that line, because there is someone I love there. Someone I finally found after so many years. Someone I thought I could feel finally settled.

Now it's going to snap.

"Normal is enough, don't need to push so far," my friend said to me.
"What for? What for are you seeking this? I thought you have better life mission," another told me.
"You're just not paying enough attention to this," someone said.
"Both different worlds, and you expect to seal it together? Come on, it's like Mars combining with Earth, it's colliding, not combining. You would have expected that!"

You know what, guys? He is my brother. We never really fight before, we are just merely dissatisfied over each other's attitude or behaviour once and then we hug and that's it. It comes like a radio wave, with its crests and troughs.

If he doesn't choose to tell me the problem he faced, I am OK with it. I respect his decision. We are men anyway. We have our ego to keep things to ourselves. I doubt that I didn't do so, too. It's just because we are so rarely meet up, I tend to watch over him ever much more closely, don't letting him fail.

Because I do so, I tend to get hurt when I see him fail and never tell me, see him happy but never bother to check on my happiness. That was silly, I totally agree. My friend told me, if the line is well established, there is no need for me to put some lights and decors all over the line like a Christmas light wire. Electric current will just flow whenever it is needed.

Since yesterday, I slept and woke up now, I realise how much stupid mistake and acts I have done. I haven't even said thanks for yesterday. I remembered he told me 'I will tell you, but I won't tell you everything' so I guess that part yesterday was included in 'everything'.

I used to tell myself, if this is a Cycle, end it fast and bright, like a supernova. Don't drag it till both of us suffer.

Now, I just, frankly, let it be.

After yesterday's night, I know who to trust, who to be with, who to care and who to seek.

Lack of communication makes me understand that, I am very dependent on communication. Therefore, I know what to do now.

The line?

Just leave it hanging in there, just like my friend had said. There's nothing I can do about it. People talk about leaving networks as we go, so I just do that. No point trying to decorate that line in elaborate fashion while the true line is still as feeble as a silk.