Have You Ever

Have you ever reach your phone, stare at it hard, hoping that someone calls you or texts you?

Holding the mobile phone.

It didn't vibrate, it didn't ring.

I opened the message inbox,

scrolling and re-reading

all the messages you have sent to me.

I didn't smile.

I wished to smile.

But somehow,

I know I don't deserve a smile anyway.

That's what happens when I throw away

a key that unlocks my heart.

I clicked 'Create Messages',

and a window popped up,

with a blinking cursor,

perfectly imitating my heartbeat.

Hesitate... breathe... hesitate... breathe...

I closed the window.

Sighed.

I don't wish to be the one who stepped out

the first step.

Grabbed my phone again

stared at the blank screen.

And I sighed.

Have you ever stare at your live chat, hoping that someone onlines and chats with you?

Green... green.... orange.... red.... grey...

But none of it appeared to be your name.

I waited for the notifications,

but none came.

I saw your personal message

somehow hammers in my heart

filling with sarcasm,

you are shooting me with words of swords.

Or you aren't?

I opened the live chat,

scrolling down again

just to confirm I didn't miss your name.

No

Your name is still grey

I wondered when are you going to turn green?

Is it when I am asleep?

Is it when I am away?

Or is it never?

Because you have changed your ID?

I tried not to think too much.

I restarted my computer,

stupidly thinking that maybe my line is lag

perhaps a restart,

might reveal you are online.

"Windows 7 is starting up"

"Signing in..."

Squeezing the mouse tight.

Anxious.

The answer slammed on my face:

Stupid, indeed.

Have you ever look out the window, hoping to see someone passes by and invites you for meal?

I drew open the curtains

and looked at the empty road.

Although the orange light flooded the black road,

the night was still dark as my heart.

I had a feeling that you might pass by my house

calling my name

or even as silly as throwing pebbles on my window

just to ask me to come down

and see the gift you brought me

swaying in your hands

and a smile on your face.

The night was clouded over.

Someone had just painted the moon black.

A car passed by

I ran downstairs,

squatted by the road,

cocking my head out

and read every car number plate

hoping one would match yours.

My heart was clouded over.

Have you ever hope that someone would bring you out and spend the entire evening with you?

With everything so quiet

but my head was filled with voices

shrieking of my bad

screaming of my fear

sobbing of my sadness,

I wished you were here

by my side,

with your little head and hand

waggle and waggle

bringing more noise to my head

just to expel the rest.

I remembered you talk about the people

that you loved and hated

The friends

you have and lost

I remembered you came

just to let me breathe cold air

to silent my mind

and allow your voice

to calm my heart

so that I can sleep peacefully at night.

No nightmares

No insomnias

And now,

I just got my insomnia.

Wishing you were somehow here again~