Meeting my bruder was the best time of my life. As if all my dreams come true (or maybe not). I don't know. Dominance took me out to meet him first after a dinner. He said "His way of thinking is a little similar to you." and I was quiet all the way to his house.
Quiet in the sense that, "thinking a little similar to me"? That's a massive local violation of my uniqueness. Yeah, talk about ego. No, I am just thinking, I am having an ancient mind, you see, vast and ancient, unmoving like old mountains. And yet this little chap has his mind like me?
That was... unacceptable at some point.
And I met him. Somehow childish (not mentally, but in action, I like his laugh anyway, or chuckle), lanky, extremely pale (OK, fair, whatever). And one thing I don't know is, he is so willingly lend me his dumbbells, eat breakfast with me (made him waited 1 hour due to miscommunication) and even 'dabao' my dinner "as a token of friendship" (as he said)
And here's the bloody truth which I have hidden from anyone:
He reminds me of my 1st Cycle, cheerful and cheeky, as if I can hug and cuddle him up into the air like a baby. He sometimes looks tough and determine, but I know, somehow, in him, his heart is screaming for something to hold on to. Before he told me his story, I have already seen scratches and scars on his heart.
And, it made me think of one thing: Take good care of him.
My brotherhood (I guess I can't find any word similar to "parenthood", or "motherly love") sense swarming in me, that he needs attention.
I traced back my time with him, how both of us spark into embers (right, not chemical romance). And I found it, it was at the eve of eve of Dance Drama 2011. Two nights before, after the rehearsal. I was cycling home with him and I was very quiet on the way.
He asked me what's wrong. And I told him my mind needs clearing up.
That's half a truth. Actually I was thinking how I can care for him and be with him when he needs support. I saw his eyes and immediately understand his future (means now) as a busy bumblebee. I sighed in my mind. I don't know how to help him instead of keep perli-ing him cari pasal.
I feel very bad and emo when I can't even help him when my mind keeps telling me he needs support. That's why my clockwork gears are crunching grumpily that night, 8.35pm. I still remember that famous Facebook comments that send shockwave to my friends. Those comments we spoke about bro and brother thingy.
I am a maniac, keeping track of these stupid things. But hey, these AREN'T stupid. It means a lot, just like my bruder means a lot to me.
During the Dance Drama rehearsal, I tried not to be that obvious in helping and caring for him, just in case the Cycle 1 doesn't repeat itself. But somehow he knew. LOL. I didn't mind that. In my heart, somehow I wished he knew.
He is one of a kind, I can tell. So one-of-a-kind that he got lots of friends. His brothers and sisters are swarming all over the place. Kinda jealous at first, but I didn't. Because I know I don't like too many close kins. One or two should be enough. So, I am relieved, more than jealous.
There are certain things he did that makes my heart weep:
- He cooked omelette for me (although the reason was he wanted to clear those eggs before they turned bad)
- He dabao-ed for me everytime I don't have a time for my dinner (especially on Mondays)
- He forced me to accept him to take me home when I am back from PJ, he took burger for me (although he made sandwich for Dinesh) and he took me by the lake just to calm my sloshy mind, which I had sacrificed his time for being with me
- He SMS-ed me when I was at Ipoh and his reason was fearing I am lonely
- He climbed up to my room and delivered bread to me, and sacrificed his time for having dinner with me when I was sick
I am pretty embarassed to the fact that I didn't do anything for him. Except when he was ill, I rejected my friends' offer to have dinner with them and I dabao-ed porridge to eat with him. I wanted to tell him that, even if he is ill, I am still on his side taking whatever un-yummy food together.
Mein bruder, I am like taking your advantage every time. But, I love the time I spend with you, although the time is short. I don't like the feeling that you think I am alone and I need your company.
I have a simple request: just be my bruder. I don't want to be friends with you, but I just want to be bruder with you. You got what I mean? I tried telling you yesterday but you went offline. So, I guess you have to read this blog while EVERYONE else has the permission to read it as well.
And there are some things I have to point out. I don't want you to think I am pathetic. I don't want you to think I am lonely. I don't want you to think I am physically challenge. I don't want you to think I need transport every time. I don't want you to feel regret for neglecting me.
Just treat me normal, mein bruder.
You have your busy life. I cannot interfere and I will NOT interfere. That's why every time you vent about your busy schedule, I didn't say anything. I don't want to say anything. So what if I commented? It's your life. I know it sounds harsh, but seriously, I can't help you much. I am not like you. I am only destined to protect and care about you, not changing you.
If you think you are sorry for leaving me alone while busying, think again. Where is your priority lies? I don't want to hear that answer from you. I am just glad as how things are.
I asked my mum is it possible to sense someone from afar. My mum said yes, as long as I have a deep connecting line between minds that you know how the pattern changes and when the pattern changes.
I guess I have established that line with you.
Mein bruder, trust me on one thing, you can be mein bruder for this entire academic years, or forever. It's up to time to decide.
I never knew how important I am to you. Seriously. Till now, I don't know how important I am to you. I don't know what role am I playing in your life. Bruder? Mentor? Friend? Father? Grandfather? I don't wish to guess. I wish you could to tell me yourself.
Somehow, when I see you again, I feel like I want to hold you so tight that I really really do appreciate you on my side. My drawing on you is only one way to express it out. I know it sounds gay, but I think I know what I am saying.
I am not seeking for your attention towards me, not really. If I am asking you to pay attention towards me, then both of us are failure. It's like I am demanding from you and you are obliging it. I don't want that. I was surprised when you told me that. What I mean attention is, how you treat your bruder. That's all. I am not asking you to spend whatever free time with me, or squeeze out from your tight schedule just to meet me or chat with me.
I don't want that.
I want to see your true smile again. Not the smile that you make out after you make everyone laugh. I want to see your smile, a true smile that you are just really happy for your own.
You are mein bruder. I won't allow anything sad to happen to you. I said those three words to you before and I really mean it. And to tell you the truth, if the university going to collapse, or there is a terrorist attack in campus, I will be the first one to look out for you and protect you.
It's in my blood. It's in my DNA now. Nothing can modify it.
Your safety is my health.
You play dangerous, you increase my heart attack risk.
To summarize it:
You mean a lot to me. You are my light when darkness comes. You understand best of me here. You are who you are. You are somehow my source of happiness. You are my ERASER (you said that). You are a parasite that sucks my illness away (you also said that)
You are mein liebster Bruder. You are my dearest bruder. I will try my best to be a good older brother to you.
*This post is going to be deleted in 5 days*