Sunday, August 21, 2011


Because of insecure, I tend to rely on people a lot. Not to say dependent, I mean, I want their love and care towards me so much that I lost myself. At the meantime, because of this, I tend to become very jealous on the differential treatment I get and other people get from the same person.

It means I get very annoyed with great mutual friends.

Yes, after a long chat with my mum, I agree with her that I am always feeling insecure. No wonder my friends asked me to get a girlfriend or something just to compensate my insecureness.

Why did this thing happen? Why a guy so serious like me, so hard-shit like me, so pain-in-the-ass like me, can be so insecure like a squirrel?

My mum taught me to dot my life back to a point where I feel my life has a great tweak that deviate me from my normal path.

And I did. I joined all the dots and drew a line. It all converged to a point during my primary two. I was being bullied heavily in school, being shoved around, whamming on the wall, threw into the drain.

I never tell this to anyone, because I am a coward. Since that bullying, my cowardice grew stronger and stronger, the firm me got weaker and weaker. I exerted my fake courage against a poor boy, whom I whacked him up in school, while I am the role model of the class.

No one knew this.

Then, I joined the prefect board, to show power around. Showing I am fierce and strict, zero tolerance. People fear me, and I felt myself superior, like a God. People feared and respected me. I smiled at that point.

But I realised one thing.

I don't have a close friend. Or best friend, anything you named it. I am as lonely as goddammit. I do have friends, but not close enough where I can have fun with. People started to think I am a strict person. No fun. Can't sing. Can't dance. Can't fight. While all the time I am capable of doing all these.

In the midst of the hard shell, I am a soft glassy embryo clinging to myself, don't wanna see what's the fun out there.

I thought of searching a close friend, that would understand who I am, what I have been. I have tried it for years, and in the end, it always stays the same: Disappointment.

It's true what JuanWyn said, I am sensitive. I have a soft heart, despite the hard-ass look. I cannot be hurt through my heart. That's karma. That's payback time.

So, from this day henceforth, my priority is not of choosing or finding a best friend or whatever. It's choosing the better part of me, becoming a better part of me.

I always chat with my family about my friends, from day to day accumulation, my family is able to piece up the puzzle and form up a whole personality of my friends, and tell me what I watch out for when I am blinded by some other people.

And today, I got many answers and feedback on different friends. No worries, it's not final yet, but I still hold true that I am still the strict guy. Funny and sarcastic, yes, but never to go any closer to deeper relationship.



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