I always hear people say "My heart feels as if being knifed through", and I thought it was just an expression of deeply getting hurt.
And tonight, I got the exact feeling. It's not only hurt, it is very painful. The feeling of the heart really aching. It was as if something is piercing but not cut through it. For that, unintentionally, tears formed in my eyes when I was lying down on my bed.
I was hugging myself so tight like an embryo in a mother's womb. I have heard that this is a posture of feeling safe, because when we were still babies in our mummy's tummy, we crept up in a corner like that and felt the warmth of the motherly love.
That was what I did on my bed.
I folded my knees up to my chest and hugged them tightly. I never felt like this before. The heart pain., the overwhelming sadness. Where is the 'me' I have lost? I promised myself to stay immune to many things and now, my immunity breaks down.
It's not about the effing timetable if you think that makes me like this!
Sometimes I really wish someone could just, you know, pat on my sleeping shoulder and whispered "Don't worry, I am here always". Or maybe just a reassurance gesture that means a lot to me.
Never mind, I am dreaming of impossibilities again. Because what I always wish for, is another man's (or lady's) burden.
So, hugging myself to sleep is still the best.
Don't worry guys, I won't commit suicide. I am just cocooning myself for the moment, maybe till October.
"Regrets happen in our life, and it is regret that makes us realise our mistakes. Embrace it."