Confused

So, lately my heart has been tweaking my brain a lot. Some flavours changed across the months being out of reach of campus life.

I suddenly feel plain. I feel cold in my heart. Whenever things that are meant to be happy things to me suddenly becomes bland. The biggest example is my, ahem, bruder. Whenever he just texts me (no, no calls), I don't feel like how I used to feel - awesomely happy. It feels like, I have just received an ordinary message and I just have to reply that message.

Is it going to get worse? I don't know. I don't have much time to reminisce my campus life. I feel like I am moving on and away from what I used to have.

Worse, I have the feeling that I always bug people's life. I feel that I am getting drifted away from this 'bruder relationship'. I feel like I shouldn't be in that relationship at the first place. I feel like, wrong. I feel like we shouldn't have been bruders because he already has his.

Weird.

We seldom chat now. He is more busy with his FYPs, reports, bros and his-gals. Well, I, on the other hand, remains empty. Well, it's OK, actually. People move on to their personal life. It's not up to me to tangle myself to them again.

Will I actually get lost?

I remembered writing a sentence like this during primary school:

"River flowing ever quick,
there aren't any flowers to pick.
Hear your friends' voices,
telling you you have no choices.
But to move on and on
and forever gone."

Is this so-called self-fulfilling prophecy coming true? Is that why I have cycles?

If no, then will I be forgotten in my own memories? My friends' contact number has been inactive for years. When I browse through my contact list, I find no one to text with. Is this wrong?

I...

I seem to be lost.

Lost in my own memories.

Help me.

Thank You Notes

I hope you are truthful enough. I have given you the colour and please check your notes based on your given colour. No dishonesty please!

BLUE
Don't be so blue, like me. Be happy! Nah, just joking. I thank you for being my coursemate or faculty mate although I didn't do much on your life, except my serious face problem. If you are an enemy to me, I thank you if you become my friend (if not, ignore this part. LOL). All the best in your future undertakings yeah! Belanja me OCHADO during convo and I buy you Sushi King's Bento Set! I promise!




RED
You are like a family to me. Your presence in my life has changed me. Seriously. I am very happy to be with you and sad enough to leave you because of graduation. I know I have no internet connections, but please, do contact me when you are bored, OK? You are my primary colour that taints my tertiary life! Keep tainting me!




ORANGE
You somehow, hmm, doesn't "fit in to either category". Don't be sad. You are unique. I wish to know more about you, but time doesn't allow. Or maybe I am too shy. I will work hard on it, OK? Maybe someday we will have a great chat under a Mamak restaurant or something. But do look out for me always! Thank you for being a tiny presence in my life. Don't take it as a prick; in fact, having you is better than losing you!




PURPLE
Unique. Like the colour suggest. You are one-hard mysterious object. I know you but I don't really know you. We are best friends in a sort, but maybe because distance is better in playing a part of strengthening bonds. I guess if I grow too close to you, disaster will strike! Thank you, peep! Send me letters, if you want to! I will give you my address! It's been a long time since I collect letters and stamps!




YELLOW
Always cheerful, I think. That's how I look at you. You brighten my day up! Don't you have a sad moment or something? Playful and cheeky. But please, sometimes don't be too self-obsessed. I wish I can be as bright as you! Thank you, although we didn't know each other long enough, but I believe the moment we had walked together would suffice! Danke!




TEAL
DANCE CLUB ROCKS! See? I purposely put up a Dance Club section. You guys play a serious role in transforming me, especially Angeline Tan. Because of her "You can laugh or not?" question, I am able to change myself. Though, some of you still are strangers to me, but I love you guys. For me, Dance Club really is a club! It progresses, adapts and grows together with members and members' interests. A good family to be with. You can go ahead and read the RED section if you want to.


FUCHSIA
Music and similar interest bonds us. I am very very happy that I know you! Through events, maybe, but most importantly, music and interests! You are the one big fat fuchsia colour I cannot miss. If only we can meet earlier, we could have been a gang or something to dominate the campus. LOL. Anyway, thanks. Had it not our interests, I don't think we are friends. Right? Rhetorical question, though. I wish I can do something for you!

GREEN
I don't know you. SHOOOOOOOOOO. Haha. I am sorry, next time PM me more. I can't just say THANKS to a random stranger without knowing their deeds, right? But thanks for being my FB friend though. Harrass me with your wonderful PMs!

Distance

Suddenly I fall back to my deep thoughts.

Distance is not good. Especially you are having a relationship with someone. When I mean relationship, I don't mean LOVE, I mean friendship, family and lovers as well.

Do you have a friend which you always meet somewhere, some time and somehow you didn't manage to say a simple 'Hi!' to him? Or you just can't find a time to say 'Hi!'. Alright you did say 'Hi!' after all. But what about some long chats?

'Hey, I am busy. Catch ya later ya!'

That's the phrase we often hear. But do you honestly think that he/she will really catch you back later? It's just a polite and indirect way of saying, 'I am busy and I don't wish to talk much. Bye.'

That's harsh.

I have friends, but it is sad to say that some of them, even they stay so close to me, our hearts are like miles and miles apart. When we meet, we don't know what to talk. The eerie silence. The uncomfortable quietness. It sends shivers down my spine.

In PINK's song 'Sober,' 'I don't want to be the girl who fill the silence, because the quiet seems to be screaming out the truth'.

Instead, my friends who are far apart from me, they keep on asking me how am I doing. Anything interesting, Blah blah blah.

Is there a inversely proportional relationship between distance and relationship?

(i) The further two persons are, the better the relationship.
(ii) The closer two persons are, the worse the relationship.

I don't know. You make a choice.


Like I've said,

It's not a thousand miles that keep us apart,

it's what you didn't say to keep us close