Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Mama says

I love my mama. My mama says the greatest words that no 'self-help' book or famous politician can say.

She said,

'Rich or poor is not defined by money, is determined by your ambition and knowledge.'
***
'Don't hate school. Your schooling life only last less than 8 percent of your total life span. You ruin it, you ruin life.'
***
'Education is a one-way ticket.'
***
'Love is not what how both feel to each other, is how both deal the future.'
***
'Suffer 15 years of education, but you will gain another 50 years of luxury. Why aim lowest in education while you want good life?'
***
'Find true love by tracing how your family gives you.'
***
'Don't boast your money. They are only paper and metal. Get something immaterial to fulfil your material needs. Not use material to fulfil your material needs.'
***
'Don't get angry on someone who is bad on you. Be glad you know why is he bad on you so you won't repeat the same mistake.'
***
'God give us mouth to ask and defend, not swallow all the bitterness and embarrassment and humiliation.'
***
'Don't think you are always at the top of the world because the world is round, sometimes, you have to be at the bottom. If you are at the bottom, don't be sad, you will be at the top one day.'

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

5 S's for Destroying a Star

WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!

  1. Shifting. Using particle beam, create a flux in atom-binding energy. Shift the lighter elements (Hydrogen and Helium) to the outer surface of the star and leave the heavier elements in. The star would have nothing to fuse and the crushing force will cause the star to implode.
  2. Strangling. Establish a particle beam flux ring around the star's equator. By tightening and loosening the ring in waves, a strong magnetic force is created. The magnetic field created could strangle the star like a snake, pumping equatorial stellar matter to the poles.
  3. Spinning. Establish a particle beam flux ring around the star from pole to pole. Rotate them. That would cause the magnetosphere to couple with them and drag all the stellar matter with them as the ring rotates. By increasing the speed of rotation, the stellar mass would be lifted like an onion.
  4. Sucking.Toss a planetary-mass blackhole into the fusion core of the star. The star would suddenly have two sites of nucleation. When the radiation threshold is increased when the blackhole burns too much matter, it would blast the star apart, like a bomb.
  5. Singing. Sing to a star. Throb the star with gravitational wave that responds to the oscillation of the star. The same frequency would allow the gravitational energy to pump into the star's fusion core, allow the matter to spew out uncontrollably.

Poi Lam | NS | UTAR

3 'cultures'. Yet, different.

Poi Lam friends. Basically during my later years, I spend most of my time with Orangutan, Crow, 'One-bowl-of-mee', Japanese monkey, Ripe mosquito and Cock. Nice having time with 'em. I remembered the pantomime we put on. The 'violence' and 'sex' scene (it's not what you think)... even Pn Tan Get Peng saw us gila-ing around... *embarrassed*

NS friends. I spend my time with Hornets, buddy Fizan and some from Sukhoi. Not really much time for me to have fun. I just spend MOST with Cindy. Making her laugh and 'angry'. LOL. Till one of the Jurulatih thought we are in love. Hell, impossible.

UTAR friends. I'm not going to say 'spend my time' here, I will use the word 'gila my time'. Mostly with Siewcheng, Jixuan, Tanning, Puaycian, Apple, Panda wei wei, Weifa...


BUT, one big BUT, I realise I spend 95% of my time with GIRLS. What's wrong with me?

Ghost

Chinese New Year is coming. Gosh, I have to clean up the house, wipe the window, arrange the living room... bla bla bla...

Worse, I have a cough. It's not an ordinary cough, it's ticklish, it's allergic cough. Once cough, akan cough tak henti-henti. Idiot. Hate it.

It all started the day before yesterday. And yesterday, to speak frankly, I don't sing at Karaoke, because of ONE single thing: it's very creepy. I don't know my friends could sense it or not. It is scary. The corner I sat, well, I felt someone or something is watching me. If my friends noticed, I kept playing around with my religious beads on my wrist.

I didn't feel right there. It's like many things were watching over me.

The feeling got worse when I went to the toilet. I don't want to say more, but I swear I 'saw' something/someone. Since before the K was built/renovated, I never EVER went to the end of Jusco. The sensation is NOT right.

But hey, I can't be so 'anti-social' right? It can't be I left all my friends out and I just walked around outside. Keras-kepala-ing is the only way.

Tell you guys, there are really THINGS in the Karaoke. One of them harrassed my uncle before, and several of my friends...

Enough said.

CNY is coming... my peanut cookie is coming out soon. Damn, still coughing... Did you know there is a belief that when you are sick, you cannot make CNY cookies?

The Dagger In My Heart

When the first words of anger erupted from my heart to my mouth, I knew immediately that the bridge of friendship is gone. The words I used wasn't harsh. It's how harsh I'd been saying.
When I realised it, I wanted to say 'sorry', but he just spun around and left without a word.

A friend's most lethal weapon is not how he yells at you.
A friend's most lethal weapon is not how he cries at you.
A friend's most lethal weapon is not how he kicks at you.

It is how he spins around and says nothing.
That gesture. Action. Can create a silver sharp dagger that jabs into your heart almost as instant as he spins around.

That's how I felt.

I felt the sharp pain once he was gone. I reached out an invisible hand, trying to turn him back, but deep down my heart, it told me, once it's gone, it's gone.

Ich bin dumm!!!!

It is not easy to go over this kind of feeling, especially I usually helped and cared for friends a lot. And this pain of the dagger carried me for another year, where the dagger had its splinter on another of my friend. That had severed him, but not as bad as I imagined. This time, I quickly apologised and the bridge is still there.

Another year has passed. The dagger is not visible through my mind, but it had sunken deeper into my heart. I couldn't feel it at first, but once I saw something sad, the pain came back with greater intensity.

Later, much later, I saw it. Him. The mouse. Hesitating. *Click*. Talked with doubt. Frightened like a cat. Worried like a mother. Him. Said. 'It's ok.'

It's ok...
These words have two meanings:
1) I don't mind you (but I really do), it's just for the sake of no arguments
2) It's really ok. I never have done that before. It's really nothing.

From the tone of the speech, I guessed (85% sure) its (2).

The dagger, was gone, forever. The relieve was.... unspeakable...


It's like Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King where Aragorn tells the spirited army to leave in peace and the army just let out a relieve and gone.

I know.
I will be careful with you next time.
Again, sorry.



From,
P006 (if you know what it means)

Friday, December 24, 2010

Happy New Year

New Year 2011 is coming. When everyone is having the light in their hearts to celebrate their New Year, I have some faint darkness that I could not overcome.

I admit, I have hurt my friend's feeling during my Secondary School final year. I admit. I know I was selfish back then, but no matter how I reached out, I cannot find a response. I felt like I am a tree, branching out in all directions trying to touch the sky.

I really wanted to meet him, talk to him, say how sorry I was. But... *sigh*... things never got any better. The crack is there between him and me. No matter how I pray, it just won't seal up.

I, secara rasmi, have lost him, forever.

Another one in my Uni years. This time, I managed to seal up the crack. But, the scar is still there. I don't know how to get any closer. There is a slight curtain between us. I cannot reach out. Every time I lead out a hand, the distance got wider. So, I guess, I should just be glad the crack is sealed. The scar, I prefer it to stay, to let me know I did something nasty to people and I won't repeat it.

I keep on express my sadness and regret through songs so sad that will make you cry. But what can I do to them? It was my fault after all.


These are my wishes for 2011. These are my darkest times. I wish and hope someone or a miracle to help me seal those cracks and repaint the walls...

I just wish that very much

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Line Slow

Just wanna say.
SLOW
GO SLOW
that's it
Internet speed.
SLOW
Dunno what to say
Just slow.
How?
Cannot communicate...
Some even don't have HP...
FB slow
SLOW

Just SLOW

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Message in a Bottle

Inserting the letter into a glass bottle, stuff it with a stiff cork, then cast it into the sea for it to travel over long distances. It is no doubt an ancient way, and yet good for releasing the burden in the heart. Nowadays, there aren't any people who did this. However, in a twist of fate and destiny, I was met with an ordinary friend. He loved to place a letter into a glass bottle and cast it into the wide ocean.

I don't know how I met him. I don't remember. Somewhere hidden in my mind, I have a faintest memory like I helped him up at the seaside as he accidentally fell over a rock. I treated him like my own brother. And then, he just followed me ever since.


Although he was approaching his teenage, he had a look of a child about seven or eight years old. His family wasn't a good one. His parents always quarreled and usually either the father or the mother would leave the house for at least three days for that. After that, the quarrel resumed. They never paid any attention to their kid. I pitied him. Every time I asked him what was he doing when they were quarreling, he would force out a smile and said, 'What can I do? Only sleep will make me deaf temporarily.'


I know he lied.


He was weird. He sometimes stared into blankness and said nothing, and he sometimes talked a lot with me. He loved to write letters, but his letters would never reach to the postman. He wanted to send the letter to the sea as he claimed that the sea would carry his burden to the edge of the world.


I didn't like him throwing the bottles. It's just that every time he threw it, he became exceptionally quiet. You couldn't nudge him, shout at him or call his name. He just wouldn't answer at all. He was trapping himself into his wild but sad imagination.


He would gaze at the sea and see how the waves rolled by. Or sometimes he would look at his bottle drifted on the sea. And sometimes, he would let out a long sigh.


I waited till he was fine and I asked him what did he wrote in the letter. He shrugged and said, 'My pitiful life.' I was surprised. He was still a child, how come he had any pitiful life? Maybe it was the family quarrels and stuffs. No matter, that wasn't his only answer. Sometimes he gave the answers like 'Sad', 'Hurt' or 'Pain'. There was never even once I heard was a positive remark.


Nonetheless, he loved talking to me. He said, talking to me could help him out from misery.


I thought: Really? If talking to me can help you from misery, why are you still writing letters for the sea? Why don't you just tell me what's your problem?


But I know, this was his hobby. He did this maybe for some other reasons that I had never come to know.


One day, he asked me out to accompany him. He wanted to throw another bottle that day. But that day, the winds were strong and the waves were fierce, even the sky showed no mercy. I was surprised about his decision to cast a letter at this day.


'Strong winds and wavy waves will help me send my letter to much farther out, that would make sure my letters won't turn back,' he claimed.


I was like wondering how important was that letter till he needed a strong wind and waves to carry its message. He, again, fell back into his shell of quietness. He stared out into the sea and sighed again. He raised his bottle, seeing it for one last time, shook his head with a bitter smile and cast it as far as he could.


The green bottle flickered the golden sun ray and plopped into the sea like a comet. After the splash, it started to be carried away by the waves, carrying the glitter of the sun like a star in the sea.


I could only hear the howling winds and crashing waves. I wished to hear what the voices in his heart was saying.


'Goodbye,' he blurted.

'Excuse me?' I really couldn't hear what he said in this stormy weather.

'I said goodbye. I thought you were asking what I wrote in the letter, so I said it's goodbye,' he said softly. His head was tilted down. He was nudging the sands with his broken slippers.

'Why goodbye?' I asked.

'My parents don't want me anymore. They don't want me to be in a terrible family. They are going to send me to a distant relative but they promised they would visit me once in a month,' he said, still not looking up. Suddenly, as if a beast in him as woken, he kicked a pile of dirt. 'I don't want to leave them! I really don't!'


I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what should I say. But in the end, I placed my hand on his shoulder. 'Since your parents had already made up their minds, you have to listen anyway. Maybe they thought this works the best for you,' I said. I swore I didn't know what I was saying. I didn't even know what I said was right, but at least I said something.


He fell silent. He turned away and left, leaving me watching him walking away. I didn't know whether I was having a hard time swallowing or I was sobbing. Something had caught in my throat. I felt breathless. I tried to call him, but there was no voice. And he stil didn't look back...


Over a few days, I felt uncomfortable. I felt like I have lost a best friend. It was like what people had told me about the philosophy of air: It is everywhere around us, but we don't appreciate it, till the day we lost air, we then know how important air is to us.'


I was missing him, I realised. But I couldn't contact him. I didn't know where he had gone to. I didn't have his phone number or address...


Then I had an idea.


This day, was my first day of casting bottle.


I stepped on the warm sand rain and gazed at the wide blue sea. This time, it wasn't stormy. But my heart was heavy. I could feel the turbulence in it. I let out a sigh, inadvertently. I gripped on the blue bottle with a white parchment in it. And I threw it hard.


It flickered blue light and dropped into the sea. There came a wave to engulf it, but it still popped up, floating. Drifting. Never to sink.


I stood there in silence, seeing how the bottle drift further and further away till it lost sight. I didn't know why I smiled.


In my heart, I know, I don't care where or when the bottle is going to land. I only knows it in one of the corner of my heart, he would receive it.


What did I wrote in the message in the bottle?


'I miss you.'

Saturday, December 18, 2010

玻璃瓶子

Alright, here is a sad story for you all, the English version will be up tomorrow. Don't worry






把讯息放入玻璃瓶内,用木塞堵住,再往海抛,任它漂流四方,都是既古老,又有利于纾压的方法。如今,养成这种习惯的人屈指可数,遇到这种人,心里不感到好奇才怪。虽然如此,上帝却让我认识了一个不怎么样的朋友。他好喜欢把装有信息的玻璃瓶抛入海的怀抱。至于我是怎么认识他,我自己也不清楚,好像是有一天他在海边跌倒时我就扶了他一把,然后当他是我的弟弟般替他敷药,他就此喜欢跟着我。


他虽然十多岁。但是外表看起来却如七、八岁的孩子般。听说他的家庭背景不好,父母常吵架。吵架后,不是爸爸离家,就是妈妈离家,至少三天后才回家。回家后,再过几天又吵起来了,根本不把孩子放在他们的眼中。我真的很可怜他,但是每当我问他爸爸妈妈吵架是他在做什么,他总是勉强挤出一个薄薄的笑容,说:“能做什么?睡觉吧!当什么也听不到。”


我知道,他在骗我。


他的性格好奇怪,有时静静的鸣响,有时却哗哗啦啦地与我聊天。他也好喜欢写信。他的信不会给邮差寄去,反而自己把那封信寄给大海,说要把心事传到世界尽头去。我可不是很喜欢他那种举动,因为当他把瓶子扔出去后,就默不出声,任我如何去喊他、叫他,他就是对我不理不睬,把自己沉迷于自己的幻想空间。他会凝视着蔚蓝的大海,看海如何微微翻滚那海浪,又看着他的瓶子在海上时沉时浮,偶尔更会呼一口长气。


等他收拾好心情,我会问他心里写了什么,他耸耸肩,苦笑着说:“我的苦言。”小小年纪竟然有苦言?我想,应该是他家里所发生的事是他不开心吧!虽然如此,那只是他其中的一个答案罢了。他还有别的答案,如“伤心”、“痛苦”、“可怜”等,但没有一个是正面的。虽然如此,他还说,他很喜欢我陪他聊天,因为他认为这样可以帮助他从悲楚中走出来。


我心想:有吗?如果与我谈天可以帮助他从悲楚中走出来,那么为什么他还要写信给大海?不如他直接向我倾诉他的问题,就没有必要扔玻璃瓶子。可是,我自己觉得他这么做是有他的原因的。我没想过要去问他,因为那可说是他的嗜好吧!


有一回,他约了我出去陪他扔瓶子。那天的风特别大,浪也滔滔,天色特别昏暗,我也正奇怪为何他会选这一天扔瓶子。“风大,浪就大,那我的讯息可以传得更远,注定他不会因急流而又兜回来园地。”他就这么回答我。我感到很奇怪,那封信到底有多重要,需要大风大浪来传?他又恢复他的老样子,默不出声凝视着大海叹气。他提起瓶子,看着瓶子里卷着的信纸,呆了一阵,然后他微微摇头,苦笑着,再把瓶子扔出去。


那青色的玻璃瓶闪耀着太阳微弱的金光,坠入海中,似乎一颗发青光的流星划过了天空,掉入滔滔的海中。“扑通”一声,溅起了水花,然后漂得越来越远了,只看到闪闪发亮的星星在海中漫游着。风也渐渐变大了,耳朵除了听见“哗哗”的浪声,也听见“呼呼”的风声,但是我始终听不见他的心声。


“再见。”他忽然开口了。
“嗯?”在这大风大浪的地方,我的确听不见他在说什么。
“我说再见。你不是问我信里写什么吗?就是再见。”他笑生的回答,低着头,用破旧的鞋子挪动沙子。
“再见?什么意思?”我感到很奇怪。
“爸妈不要我了。他们不要我在受苦了。他们把我送到我的远房亲戚家去,让他们养我。他们会一个月看我一次的,”他仍然低着头说话。忽然,他踢起了一堆沙石,喊:“我要离开我的父母了!我真的很不想离开他们!”



我说不出话来,就算可以说,也不知道该说什么。最后,我把手搭在他的肩膀上,说:“既然爸妈已经这么决定了,你也得听听他们啊!他们这么做可能也是为了你的好啊!”我不知道自己在说什么,更不知道自己说的对不对,但至少说一些话来安抚他也好。


虽然他低着头,可是,我隐约可看到他在瞄了我一下。他没说什么,只是掉头就走,丢下我愣在那儿。我看着他瘦弱的背影慢慢离去。我不知道自己是否在吞苦水,还是哽咽,但总而言之,我很难呼吸,想叫他,却开不了口。他也没回头,任大风大浪在啸着。我也呆在那儿,什么也没做……


过了好几天,我开始感到不安了。我感到自己好像失去了好朋友似的,正如“空气”的道理:它在我们的身边无所不在,但我们却不珍惜它,直到消失了,才发现它的重要性……我这样就开始想念他了,但是我有什么方法联络他呢?我根本不知道他在世界里的那个角落。
于是,我就有了一个办法……


这一天是我第一次扔玻璃瓶子。


我的脚踏着细沙,眼望着漫无边际的蓝海。这次没有大风大浪,天气特别晴朗,海也平静。我的心却好重,不由自主地叹了一口气。我手抓紧里面装着洁白信纸的蓝色玻璃瓶子,用力一掷。这次它闪耀着蓝色的光,直落入蓝色的大海,时沉时浮。突然来了一股小浪,把玻璃瓶吞噬了,但后来它又冒出来,永远就沉不下去。


我静静地站住,看着那瓶子越漂越远,逐渐消失于眼前。我的嘴不仅往上扬,不知为何微笑起来了。我不知道那个瓶子会在什么时候,或在哪里着陆,但是我觉得这一切都不重要。总而言之,我心里的某个角落,相信他会收到。
玻璃瓶子里的信写了什么?


“好想你!”







Ok, this is actually a semi-fiction. It is actually some facts. The boy who threw the bottle? Some of his traits are actually me. And the 'I' in the post, some of the conversation is also me. It's a mix up. But it is a sad story for me, equally. I do miss my friend whom I treated like a brother.

I am sorry. Please come back will ya? Please reply my SMS, or do whatever to contact me. I have tried everything but it seems pointless......... =(

Friday, December 17, 2010

ASEP 2005 (II) - Quotations

ASEP 2005 5th anniversary is coming out. Due to the fact that I won't be online after 20 December, I will make do with whatever time I have now...

Quotations. Words people say. Speech people crap. Whispers people gossip. Favourite and annoying. I found these words very 'sentimental' and 'historical':

1. 'That's so "aromatic"!' ~ by me. It means, what you said there was foul, like, say, 'I think we are going to crash', so in respond to that, you just say this!

2. 'Baling lembu, lembu pun mati!' ~ by Joash. He complaint about the wheat bread in Vietnam Airlines was so hard and crusty that even you throw it to the cow, the cow just die.

3. 'No bushes.' ~ by me. It was supposed to be 'no lalang' (lalang = bushes) and when it is re-translate into Cantonese, it simply meant 'mou lah lang' or 'tiada kaitan' or 'it doesn't matter'.

4. 'Can kill.' ~ by Nurul (I guess). Usually derogatory. It actually refers to the superlative of an action. Example, your friend wants to ride a rollercoaster, but you tell him, 'eh, can kill!'

5. 'Did you know 30,000 xxxxx is xxx-ing everyday?' ~ by Joash, 'enhanced' by Nurul. Just fill in the 'xxx', for example, 'Did you know 30,000 leaves are growing everyday?' I agree. It's a stupid fact from a pity fact, which it originated from 'Did you know 30,000 children are dying everyday?'

6. 'Shoot!' followed by 'Bang!' ~ by Nurul and me (the latter). It's a lame joke. Nurul used to say 'Shoot!' instead of 'Damn!', so I respond by saying 'Bang!'. Lame. Lame. Lame.

7. 'Potong tu ketam!' ~ by me. As said earlier, it was translated (badly) from English version 'cut the crap'. I remembered Nurul get annoyed with the 6th and this quotation.

8. 'He is such a good drawer.' ~ by Nurul. Ms Woo was asking us to draw heart shapes for our placards saying 'POVERTY'. Nurul said, 'Let minzhi do it, he is such a good drawer.' It was a slip of tongue. She swore. But we definitely rewarded by a roar of laughter.

9. 'Christina's a gorilla!' ~ by Xiao Wen. I remembered when Jia Yi told Xiao Wen her name is Christina, Xiao Wen went hysterica and yelled 'CHRISTINA'S A GORILLA!' which actually meant 'Christina Aguilera' but her pronounciation was... y'know!

10. 'Bomb the world, make it a "badder" place, for you and for me... ' ~ by Kevin. That's... pathetic! It was supposed to be Michael Jackson's 'Heal the World'. Instead he fooled by singing 'Bomb the World'


Dammit! Gonna miss those phrases!