Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Dagger In My Heart

When the first words of anger erupted from my heart to my mouth, I knew immediately that the bridge of friendship is gone. The words I used wasn't harsh. It's how harsh I'd been saying.
When I realised it, I wanted to say 'sorry', but he just spun around and left without a word.

A friend's most lethal weapon is not how he yells at you.
A friend's most lethal weapon is not how he cries at you.
A friend's most lethal weapon is not how he kicks at you.

It is how he spins around and says nothing.
That gesture. Action. Can create a silver sharp dagger that jabs into your heart almost as instant as he spins around.

That's how I felt.

I felt the sharp pain once he was gone. I reached out an invisible hand, trying to turn him back, but deep down my heart, it told me, once it's gone, it's gone.

Ich bin dumm!!!!

It is not easy to go over this kind of feeling, especially I usually helped and cared for friends a lot. And this pain of the dagger carried me for another year, where the dagger had its splinter on another of my friend. That had severed him, but not as bad as I imagined. This time, I quickly apologised and the bridge is still there.

Another year has passed. The dagger is not visible through my mind, but it had sunken deeper into my heart. I couldn't feel it at first, but once I saw something sad, the pain came back with greater intensity.

Later, much later, I saw it. Him. The mouse. Hesitating. *Click*. Talked with doubt. Frightened like a cat. Worried like a mother. Him. Said. 'It's ok.'

It's ok...
These words have two meanings:
1) I don't mind you (but I really do), it's just for the sake of no arguments
2) It's really ok. I never have done that before. It's really nothing.

From the tone of the speech, I guessed (85% sure) its (2).

The dagger, was gone, forever. The relieve was.... unspeakable...

It's like Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King where Aragorn tells the spirited army to leave in peace and the army just let out a relieve and gone.

I know.
I will be careful with you next time.
Again, sorry.

P006 (if you know what it means)

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