The Moon

I walked down a darkened forest. Not a star to be seen, not a sun to be shone. It was very long before I saw the first glint, save for the gloomy glint from a dead lake.

I walked and walked. Pushing dead twigs and clawing branches away. My toes bled as the razor sharp stones cut it. My hair dampened against my scalp when the frost melt.

I breathed.

I lowered my head, wiped the dirt off with my stained hands. Tears welled up in my eyes. I kept telling myself the light is just at the end, but I have been wandering for so long and I couldn't see it. I couldn't even feel light in my own eyes. I was just a mindless puppet strolling in an ever-deepening forest.

Then, a cold warmth slapped on my cheek.

I raised my head.

There! The moon! Pale and gentle, round and perfect. I smiled.

The silver moonlight cast its magical energy around me, lifting my soul, like miruvor. I touched my face and the dirt scraped off by itself. I was cleansed by the moonlight, cheered by the moon beam.

I ran out to have a clearer view.

The trees, however, seemed to grow tall and menacingly dark. Either the trees were trying to block the moon or they were trying to get the moon for themselves.

I don't know! I shouted, "I need you!"

And I fell.

Back into the gloomy dead lake.

With a splash.

A ripple.

Then no more.

Be Alone

I AM NOT SPORTING
I AM NOT FUNNY
I AM NOT CRAZY
I AM NOT FRIENDLY

I FUCKED MY LIFE
I SUCKED MY SOUL

EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE FRIENDS
BUT I DON'T EVEN FEEL THEM WITH ME

EVEN THOUGH I GOT MYSELF A BROTHER
BUT I NEVER ACTUALLY TREAT AND FEEL IT

I AM A FUCKING LOSER
FUCKIN' FUCKIN' LOSER

I CANNOT BE ALONE
I CANNOT SEE PEOPLE WHO ARE CLOSE TO ME HAVE FUN WITHOUT ME

I AM EASILY BE JEALOUS
I AM STUPID
I AM A NERD

IF I TURN DIRTY
THEY DON'T BELIEVE IT'S ME

I GUESS
I HAVE TO LEAVE MY LIFE.

Blue

The bed is blue
- the sea;
The pillow is yellow
- the sand.

He lingered on the sea, clinging on the sand. His mind was roaring with thoughts, crashing with lights. He was blinded by the flashy lights. He released his grip and the sea began to engulf him. He gasped for breath and his chest tightened.

No. He had to cling on.

A wave crashed, washing his smile away. He reached for it but he couldn't. The smile faded into the distance. Unless he allowed himself to be engulfed by the sea, he would never be able to get his smile back. It was a matter of life and death: cling on or be gone.

In a flash, he thought he saw someone he called as "brother". He wanted him to help, but he knew his "brother" won't be able to help because he didn't know how to help. He clawed his fingers deep into the sand, screaming helplessly. His "brother" looked on, casting a pair of pity eyes and warm feeling over him.

Another waved crashed...

His "brother", someone so intimate and yet felt so far away. He's like a moon shining on the shore. He knew of the moon, of course, but the moon was so far away. Was "brother" just a calling? Or his situation wasn't great enough to let him know he needs him?

Another waved crashed...

He couldn't see his "brother" anymore. He knew, he had to move on. Without anyone next to him, without a smile, he still cling on the sand. He pulled himself up with great strength and misery. He climbed on the shore, panting and gasping.

At this point, he would consider himself that he had grown up from dangers. But this time, he knew one thing for sure: his smile was taken. It could be the next full moon to bring the smile back to shore but he didn't have that time to wait. It could be tomorrow the smile washed up on shore. It could be at that moment he saw his smile.

But all hopes' fool hopes.

Wearily, he stood up on his cracking knees and faced the sun with his smile-less grin.

No matter what had happened, or would happen, he knew, he had lost his smile and yet when he still smiled, that wasn't him.

That wasn't him...

Wasn't him...

Him...

...

.

Cave and Me

The cave was dark and I could hear water drippling very slowly. Bushes were growing all around the cave. I knew I need to go in before the light comes in. The cave was very tempting. I felt the urge to explore it. I knew it would be dark inside, and moist. But the temptation was too strong for me to reject.

There was a whimping noise, like a puppy calling for help. It echoed from within and around the cave. The bushes swayed. Snakes and vermins began to slither down within the bushes but never quite enter the cave. The cave emitted a louder noise, like a beast in disturb. The snakes turned awaye but still kept close on the cave.

"Come in to me..." a voice of a temptress. It was seducing me. I took a step forward but I was still afraid. I felt I was boneless. I felt so weak and soft.

Suddenly twigs and twines wrapped around me. I shrugged it free but it was to no avail. They wrapped me around and brushed against me harshly. I rubbed it off but they brushed harder and quicker, as if they were voracious creatures (maybe they were) and wanted to devour me. My skin tingled against my flesh. Blood started to well up in me. I was feverish, but not sickly feverish. There was a fire ignited in me. I stood firm and wrought free of the voracious twines with strong force but still managed to keep my cool.

I was sweating. But not sweating too much.

I stood up bold, straight and ever firm, like a marching knight striding into a battlefield, except, of course, it's the cave.

I had no choice. My king had left me out. His Majesty ordered me to explore this cave and come back, or else he will send the twines after me, again but to torture me, to make me stronger and firmer.

Veins erupted from my skin.

I had to do this, I told myself.

With a confident posture, I entered the cave head first.

A deep groan shaken my thoughts and the cave was thought to be crumbling. I couldn't see a thing and the floor was slippery. I touched the walls, they were wet with water washing all over. I was afraid, I stepped out, and then I knew I was an idiot. A fool. A coward. So I went in again. Every time I explored a new region, or a loud roar frightened me, I would step out of the cave.

And thus, I went in and out, in and out, countlessly.

Then a waterfall appeared. Not huge enough, but enough to make me amaze. I didn't realise I sweated that much.

I knew what was in the cave then.

With a wet head, I went out of the cave, leaving the roar dying away.

I smiled to myself

"I did it"

Luna

Luna creeps over the mountains
casting its menacing, luminous shadow on me
I shudder when the pale white light washes my eyes
Like a candle
shining brightly in an empty hall
Revealing everything
even the darkest secrets.

I hide myself behind a wilted tree
fearing Luna might catch me
She touches me with her soft light
caresses me with her wispy clouds
I shudder...
An excitement
An orgasm
An unexplainable avoidance.

Gently, I push everything away
but Luna creeps over me
The excitement
The orgasm
The unexplainable avoidance
have erupted.

The force so strong
I snap my eyes shut
I scream

Luna creeps over me
whispers softly
"Be my lover..."
And Luna drops a star into my pocket.

I reject
I return
I run

And when I turn back,
Luna is gone.

*Wish you are alright*

Disposing Old Toy

I grew tired of it. I don't know why. I remembered I used to thing about it a lot. I wished I can have it all the time. But...

As time passed, I lost my interest on it. Like an old toy. I never thought about it lately. I never even want to think about it. It is just like a rubbish scuttling on the hard tar road. Sometimes it catches my attention and sometimes it doesn't.

I feared.

Am I losing it? But why? Have I been giving up to much hope on myself too?

I am sorry to say this: I have to throw you away.

My Supportive Friend

I have a very supportive friend. Every problem I faced, he just quietly listens to me. And then, like a big brother (well, he is younger than me), he will send a virtual pat-on-the-shoulder, and then speaks very gently on what I should do, and how I should do it. Then in the end, everyone ends with a smile.

As far as I know, he is the only person I never see him got angry and yell at people, nor keep laughing like an idiot. He is, well, content. Very content. Like a cucumber. Or cuttlefish. (Get the punchline? It's from Pirates of the Carribean, spoken by Jack Sparrow)

Well, he shares most of my personality secrets. And one thing I like him most is, he is very open-minded. He is willing to make friends to everyone. He is willing to take everything in.

I am so proud to have you.

~Friends Forever~
~Abang dan Adik~

I Love You

Two days after mid-month of first Summer. The night was hot and humid and there I saw you. We met and you were afraid. You lent me Hercule's bars. You sought for my pigeon, even it was close to dawn.

We ate breakfast at the Grey Palace for the first time. And for the first time, you came earlier than agreed. We were so silent. We didn't know what to talk about.

But in my heart, I have agreed on one thing: You are the one.

It wasn't easy for me, eventhough you brought me a dinner quite unexpectedly. It really wasn't easy for me, a Pilgrim. The transition from a strict person to a jovial person, from a lonely person to a lovable person.

It was never meant to be easy.

Though we are close, but one thing remain distant.

I sighed upon that, knowing nothing much I could do. But at least...

I love you.

RaNdOmItIeS

Einheti mer narethis mineardh, reih istoreth marae duhm.
[Falling water filth be rinsed, falling brother he be raised]
Nobody realised that I am so willing to sacrifice myself just to help people (limits). Even though I am ill, I will still fulfill someone's request of meeting or playing (except playing is a rare game ever)

I always want to be part of this, part of that. What difference am I to PTY?

In the end, when people reject my offer, I go sour and find myself asking, "Why? Just take it lah!"

It's stupid to tell people that I have no dinner dates. Gosh, I even have people laughing at me. Well, since I can survive, I will continue. Last time I had hope held high that my brother will have dinner with me. Funny though. Now, nah. I won't be asking him anymore, due to his schedule, friends and stuffs. So I left with who? Weiwei, wendy and domdom. Those three also jampacked with dates. Or maybe late dinners.

Dinesh? Got to get him fast.
Andy? Somehow...

What about the rest? Can't find any.

Isn't it ironic?


Lately, people have been going through activities with friends: snooker, DotA, swimming, badminton-ing, clubbing, shopping etc.

Me?

Nothing. Trapped in the room.

*sigh*

What life! It's no difference than previous semesters! Except there is this brother strolling along in campus for lunch, that's all. Gosh! Wasted!

Totally. Wasted. W.A.S.T.E.D.

Besides, I keep trying to share every little things with brother. I fell, I ate, I slept at what time, I coughed, I sneeze, I moved house, I slept with who, I...

Bitching about... damn! Useless maggot!

Well, I am lucky to have JuanWyn around when I was totally in bad mood two days ago. Even he is going to have his exams this week, he insisted on asking me to tell him what happened, even though I told him he should study.

I really thank him for everything he listened and advised.

I am proud to say, he's changed! Mr Q... LOL.....

Miniblog

I am neither Bilbo, nor Frodo.

I am MZ.
I have been searching for babysitter for years. I thought I was searching for a friend. Damn!

Well, continue to munch on chocolate...

I really hope someone is here to hug me tight and rub my hair, saying "It's alright, I am here."