I admit I made wrong choices this semester. In my mind, echoes of 'I shouldn't this... I shouldn't that...' are driving me sleepless. Nonetheless, I thought, maybe I am always over-confident with something and under-confident with another.
The wide gap of polarity is reducing me into something as tiny as a bacterium, or a virus.
My mum often says, "don't linger with your ghost of past for too long, for you might be one that neither dwells in the present, nor future."
And I think I am lingering on for too long. But not long enough to be 'the one that neither dwells in the present, nor future'.
Someone, PUH-LEEZE PULL ME BACK INTO REALITY!!!
LOLz
Trapped by the ghost of the Cycle, I am still struggling to find ways to eke out a living till now. Hmm, the 4-hour chat last time didn't seem to ease the pressure. I am shrouded by a dark entity that causes me to swallow the guilt and sin that I've made.
I am going for a pilgrimage, to understand what causes the Cycle to happen around me. What causes weird stuffs to happen in me.
I hope I have time for that, for my family and my friends.
...
Crying.
Practically crying.
Hear the shatters of my heart, that falls to the deepest abyss on can find.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Rojak
Hmm, I guess many of you think why I am so quiet on Facebook nowadays. Many reasons, though. Some are even created by my friends for teasing (or praising? I dunno) me.
One big example would be: "You SRC liao ma, a celebrity liao, cannot simply say things or post things. Later people curse you!"
I was like, huh, right.
Another reason would be: "Dance Drama wor... sure busy la... Saturday and Sunday also have to go to school from 8am to 8pm. Somemore become a stage director wor. Damn LC."
I... am... speechless on this.
But one main reason holds.
You see, I used to bombard Facebook walls because I expressed whatever I felt out to the Internet, including my blog, of course. Even I ate some chicken that tasted like fish, I will post it out on Facebook.
But it gets better than before, when I used to have a lunacy of wanting my post to be 'like'-ed and 'comment'-ed.
Anyway...
Now, I don't need to express it out anymore. I feel much more lighter than before. I am just as glad as that. Some of you here please don't think too much, although some of you here might guess out why.
Whatever...
I just hope that it is worth after all this sh*t around me.
LOL.
Another thing: Being a stage director is not easy after my 2nd attempt. Some people hate you for being strict and disciplined. Some people like you for making the whole set of performance running smoothly.
Aiks. I am getting more like Simon Cowell, or Steve Jobs, where people love and hate working with them.
And by the way, welcome to my new nickname: Dr Broccoli, although I still prefer the name Neruvatar.
Shh.
One big example would be: "You SRC liao ma, a celebrity liao, cannot simply say things or post things. Later people curse you!"
I was like, huh, right.
Another reason would be: "Dance Drama wor... sure busy la... Saturday and Sunday also have to go to school from 8am to 8pm. Somemore become a stage director wor. Damn LC."
I... am... speechless on this.
But one main reason holds.
You see, I used to bombard Facebook walls because I expressed whatever I felt out to the Internet, including my blog, of course. Even I ate some chicken that tasted like fish, I will post it out on Facebook.
But it gets better than before, when I used to have a lunacy of wanting my post to be 'like'-ed and 'comment'-ed.
Anyway...
Now, I don't need to express it out anymore. I feel much more lighter than before. I am just as glad as that. Some of you here please don't think too much, although some of you here might guess out why.
Whatever...
I just hope that it is worth after all this sh*t around me.
LOL.
Another thing: Being a stage director is not easy after my 2nd attempt. Some people hate you for being strict and disciplined. Some people like you for making the whole set of performance running smoothly.
Aiks. I am getting more like Simon Cowell, or Steve Jobs, where people love and hate working with them.
And by the way, welcome to my new nickname: Dr Broccoli, although I still prefer the name Neruvatar.
Shh.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Thinking Nothing
Lately, my mind was blank. I did no philosophical thinking. I got distracted. I couldn't focus my mind for even 5 minutes.
Why distracted? What distracted me?
Dunno.
Seriously. Don't laugh or boo at the answer. I can just daydream for half an hour now.
Remember I said if I dream of someone, that someone might not be my friend anymore? Well, this is what I fear: I saw someone that I know from last semester. I tried not to think of it. But, ironically (is that a correct word to use here?), that someone hadn't chatted with me for few days now.
hmm....
TTM huh? LOLz
Anyway, just ketam-ing around. This is something I saw on Facebook:
How fast can you guess these words?
BOO_S
_ _ NDOM
F_ _ K
P_N_S
PU_S_
S_X
BOOKS, RANDOM, FORK, PANTS, PULSE, SIX
Why distracted? What distracted me?
Dunno.
Seriously. Don't laugh or boo at the answer. I can just daydream for half an hour now.
Remember I said if I dream of someone, that someone might not be my friend anymore? Well, this is what I fear: I saw someone that I know from last semester. I tried not to think of it. But, ironically (is that a correct word to use here?), that someone hadn't chatted with me for few days now.
hmm....
TTM huh? LOLz
Anyway, just ketam-ing around. This is something I saw on Facebook:
How fast can you guess these words?
BOO_S
_ _ NDOM
F_ _ K
P_N_S
PU_S_
S_X
BOOKS, RANDOM, FORK, PANTS, PULSE, SIX
Of This and That
Life doesn't give us any chance to be greedy. Either this or that.
I saw this and that.
I wondered.
This or that?
This: it's been 3 months.
That: it's been 2 weeks.
This or that?
==
I saw this and that.
I wondered.
This or that?
This: it's been 3 months.
That: it's been 2 weeks.
This or that?
==
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Similarities vs Differences (Part II)
Dear bloggie,
It’s not about how I bond with people, I realized. It is about how I separate with people. I am just over possessive. I dominate my property. I patent them. That’s why the Cycle resurfaced again and again.
The patent is obsolete, expired.
What do you do to the food that is expired? You throw the food away and buy a new one.
So maybe that’s the reason.
But one question still remains in my mind: Do differences attract or similarities do?
Is it someone who has a lot of differences with another tends to attract (not sexually or romantically, what I mean is forming any relationship) because of the unlimited topic to talk about?
Is it someone who has similar characteristics with another tends to attract because of the similar topic to play around with?
Trying to seek for this answer really ‘wastes’ my time because every time I am closer to the truth, another question tries to pull me away from it.
Take for example, earlier this academic year, we went through a lot of differences, and in the end, it just didn’t work out.
That sometime later, there was another, with considerable amount of similarities, and it also didn’t work out.
Now, enrolling myself into Dance Club, I hope to seek another answer for my questions. As usual, I thought I can find the answer for my question. It happens around two weeks ago. Then one week ago, the answer to my question is ripped into two.
Literally…
Now as I see things around me. (Literally ‘now’ at the time I am writing this), the answer seems to be similarities do attract. I even see an old man in university. I feel pity for him. I see him walking, eating, online-ing (yes, online-ing) alone. Now I know, generation gap does exist, despite the fact that it didn’t happen in my family.
Yeah, you know I admit myself as an old man. So you get what I mean?
I remembered a Chinese proverb: “Those who really understands music in the world is very few.” It’s an analogy claiming that there is no such thing as eternal relationships. Even it exists, the chances are very low.
I think it is time the society needs a change in their mindset.
Or maybe my mindset, before either parties is wiped out from existence.
It’s not about how I bond with people, I realized. It is about how I separate with people. I am just over possessive. I dominate my property. I patent them. That’s why the Cycle resurfaced again and again.
The patent is obsolete, expired.
What do you do to the food that is expired? You throw the food away and buy a new one.
So maybe that’s the reason.
But one question still remains in my mind: Do differences attract or similarities do?
Is it someone who has a lot of differences with another tends to attract (not sexually or romantically, what I mean is forming any relationship) because of the unlimited topic to talk about?
Is it someone who has similar characteristics with another tends to attract because of the similar topic to play around with?
Trying to seek for this answer really ‘wastes’ my time because every time I am closer to the truth, another question tries to pull me away from it.
Take for example, earlier this academic year, we went through a lot of differences, and in the end, it just didn’t work out.
That sometime later, there was another, with considerable amount of similarities, and it also didn’t work out.
Now, enrolling myself into Dance Club, I hope to seek another answer for my questions. As usual, I thought I can find the answer for my question. It happens around two weeks ago. Then one week ago, the answer to my question is ripped into two.
Literally…
Now as I see things around me. (Literally ‘now’ at the time I am writing this), the answer seems to be similarities do attract. I even see an old man in university. I feel pity for him. I see him walking, eating, online-ing (yes, online-ing) alone. Now I know, generation gap does exist, despite the fact that it didn’t happen in my family.
Yeah, you know I admit myself as an old man. So you get what I mean?
I remembered a Chinese proverb: “Those who really understands music in the world is very few.” It’s an analogy claiming that there is no such thing as eternal relationships. Even it exists, the chances are very low.
I think it is time the society needs a change in their mindset.
Or maybe my mindset, before either parties is wiped out from existence.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Confucius II
LOL, I really have to admit I am old.
Cannot sing and dance.
Spoilt vocal and hardened waist and arms.
I am just like a clockwork goblin, or maybe even worse, at least Rattletrap can shudder even though he is not moving. When I am not moving, I am a wax figure.
Come back home and saw my messages were flooding my inbox asking for advice and stories to tell.
I am not a preacher.
I am not a teacher
I am just an old robot, trying to make a meaningful sense of life in the 21st century.
Aiks aiks aiks
Cannot sing and dance.
Spoilt vocal and hardened waist and arms.
I am just like a clockwork goblin, or maybe even worse, at least Rattletrap can shudder even though he is not moving. When I am not moving, I am a wax figure.
Come back home and saw my messages were flooding my inbox asking for advice and stories to tell.
I am not a preacher.
I am not a teacher
I am just an old robot, trying to make a meaningful sense of life in the 21st century.
Aiks aiks aiks
Friday, June 24, 2011
Difficult
It seems like Dance Drama is approaching and I can feel an overwhelming sadness sweeping over slowly from my feet.
I just...
I have to thank all the friends I have made after Karaoke Competition. I thank Steph for suggesting me being a helper for the Dance Drama and finally becomes a committee member.
I also have to thank Dominance for that, for without him, I wouldn't have today. He is the best guy I have ever seen, although I keep reaping advantages from him, especially the 'carpool' thingy. Sorry la. But because of him, I know many people directly and indirectly.
Thanks to Fido. Somehow, I think he is a person that can untangle my messy mind when he talks. I don't know whether he knew it or not, but somehow the way he talks to me really lifts my mind off, like today, for instance, after the SRC introduction, I was depleted. But he talked to me and as if magical, I feel great again. Thanks.
Thanks to Sayang too. I remembered the first time we met huh. Your eyes are bright. There are lots of dreams you can achieve before you can realise. I really hope that I can help you achieve those. But I have to stop. Those are your dreams. Go for it. I really thank you for the dinner you bought me. But hey, stick back to your friends, will ya? I am just a passerby to your life. =D
This early half of the semester seems to be dominated by Alpha Male. Is it a good news or bad? I don't know. I just miss those days after that.
Sigh, if only most of them are from FBF and same age with me.
Goodnight!
I just...
I have to thank all the friends I have made after Karaoke Competition. I thank Steph for suggesting me being a helper for the Dance Drama and finally becomes a committee member.
I also have to thank Dominance for that, for without him, I wouldn't have today. He is the best guy I have ever seen, although I keep reaping advantages from him, especially the 'carpool' thingy. Sorry la. But because of him, I know many people directly and indirectly.
Thanks to Fido. Somehow, I think he is a person that can untangle my messy mind when he talks. I don't know whether he knew it or not, but somehow the way he talks to me really lifts my mind off, like today, for instance, after the SRC introduction, I was depleted. But he talked to me and as if magical, I feel great again. Thanks.
Thanks to Sayang too. I remembered the first time we met huh. Your eyes are bright. There are lots of dreams you can achieve before you can realise. I really hope that I can help you achieve those. But I have to stop. Those are your dreams. Go for it. I really thank you for the dinner you bought me. But hey, stick back to your friends, will ya? I am just a passerby to your life. =D
This early half of the semester seems to be dominated by Alpha Male. Is it a good news or bad? I don't know. I just miss those days after that.
Sigh, if only most of them are from FBF and same age with me.
Goodnight!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
I am Lost
Hmm.
I just don't know what to say. I have lost all my contemporary friends. Now, whenever I walk in university, I keep hearing people say going for shopping, clubbing, movie-ing, karaoke-ing etc.
They asked me to join. And they were disappointed.
First, I never shop. I don't even shop for clothes. The first place I dash into in the shopping mall, is MPH bookstores. No, I am not a bookworm, but sometimes I can feel peace in the bookstore than those freaks shopping for clothes repetitively for 5 hours, and ended up nothing.
I don't have a sense of fashion. I wear casually, or formally, depending on the situation, but never wear like those very stylish thingy. No, that's not me.
Clubbing? No way. I have my way of relaxing. Definitely not clubbing. I don't like the atmosphere either. It's evil. And one thing I hate is to see girls getting drunk in the pub. That's so rude. I mean, you lost your dignity when you are heavily drunk.
Sorry to be straight and traditional. I won't accept girls who club as girlfriends. And I don't think Men who drink is macho. What kind of nonsense theory is this?
I prefer hanging out with friends in a cafe, or somewhere elegant, not necessarily expensive or classic place. Just chitchat, have some food, have some trip. A movie is acceptable.
For karaoke, I can't sing. I am tone-deaf and voice-dumb. I don't sing Chinese songs, Korean or Japanese songs. No matter, I am just a listener.
After reading this blog, I bet you think I am boring person.
So, in a rude way, piss off my life if you wish to find something interesting to do with me.
I am boring.
I don't entertain.
The only entertainment I bring is jokes.
My life is different. My mission is different.
I am born as a teacher, grow as a guider, old as a tutor. I love helping people.
So, if you think I am interesting, I am glad to know you.
If you want to hang out with me, think THRICE.
I don't want to disappoint anyone.
Ciao,
tomorrow I have to walk to school and have breakfast. Meet me at Block C if you want.
I just don't know what to say. I have lost all my contemporary friends. Now, whenever I walk in university, I keep hearing people say going for shopping, clubbing, movie-ing, karaoke-ing etc.
They asked me to join. And they were disappointed.
First, I never shop. I don't even shop for clothes. The first place I dash into in the shopping mall, is MPH bookstores. No, I am not a bookworm, but sometimes I can feel peace in the bookstore than those freaks shopping for clothes repetitively for 5 hours, and ended up nothing.
I don't have a sense of fashion. I wear casually, or formally, depending on the situation, but never wear like those very stylish thingy. No, that's not me.
Clubbing? No way. I have my way of relaxing. Definitely not clubbing. I don't like the atmosphere either. It's evil. And one thing I hate is to see girls getting drunk in the pub. That's so rude. I mean, you lost your dignity when you are heavily drunk.
Sorry to be straight and traditional. I won't accept girls who club as girlfriends. And I don't think Men who drink is macho. What kind of nonsense theory is this?
I prefer hanging out with friends in a cafe, or somewhere elegant, not necessarily expensive or classic place. Just chitchat, have some food, have some trip. A movie is acceptable.
For karaoke, I can't sing. I am tone-deaf and voice-dumb. I don't sing Chinese songs, Korean or Japanese songs. No matter, I am just a listener.
After reading this blog, I bet you think I am boring person.
So, in a rude way, piss off my life if you wish to find something interesting to do with me.
I am boring.
I don't entertain.
The only entertainment I bring is jokes.
My life is different. My mission is different.
I am born as a teacher, grow as a guider, old as a tutor. I love helping people.
So, if you think I am interesting, I am glad to know you.
If you want to hang out with me, think THRICE.
I don't want to disappoint anyone.
Ciao,
tomorrow I have to walk to school and have breakfast. Meet me at Block C if you want.
Reactivated - Extended Version
The tattoo. Just a tattoo. A simple one. Washable. No worries. If those who are from my secondary school or NS, or more specifically my novel readers, they will recognise the sign immediately. No, it's not I am in love or something, I am just having the fun in the midst of mess and stress.
I reactivated my lost symbol after so many years. And it's back on my hand. ^^
It's not really stress, it's just that my schedule is getting jampacked. Remember the photo I posted about the squaries and calendar? Well, congratulations to me, this whole week is fully booked by events. But I am still available at night. Date me out to chill me!
Dance Drama, it isn't really a UTAR's mega-event, but hey, the tickets are really selling out fast. I mean, for those who missed out the advertising, we include transportation and refreshments! Muahaha.... Gonna love Block C Cafeteria for the amazing students' response.
I remembered during that time the ticket was sold only... argh, never mind, it is such a wonderful thing to see things are reactivating to max. It's like an oxygen tank refilled. So much to use, so much to vitalise!
Another thing has been 'reactivated'. And I am not quite like it. I thought it is supposed to be ended as soon as a new semester started, but it was otherwise. I expected this to happen when the 'activities' started warming up over three days. So I guessed sooner or later this 'activity' will soon hit up on me.
And sadly it did.
Alright, it's ok, at least something offset it off.
And that's Sayang. LOL. Don't mistaken Sayang as my 'sayang'. His name is Sayang, that's what people call him. LOL. Smart eyes and intelligent brain. Not to say his dancing talent. And yes, I was thankful enough that I know this guy.
Sounds gay huh? That' WHAT most people think of friendship nowadays. =.=. Anyway, I am just glad to know him. And I owe him a lot. Especially I let him waited for me for two times consecutively two days. Day one was the breakfast meet-up, Day two (today) was the blazer handover.
All because of miscommunication and misunderstanding. LOL. Luckily none of us is angry or pissed off against each other. LOL...
Another thing I owe him is a meal.
He bought me dinner when he bought himself one.
I mean...
How can you find a friend like that?
I know Steph bought me dinner once, Qi Wen bought me porridge when I was sick or Andy took me for dinner when I needed one, Or even sailou took me out a few times for food.
Bad me =(
Well, gotta have my dinner soon. Ciao peepies!
I reactivated my lost symbol after so many years. And it's back on my hand. ^^
It's not really stress, it's just that my schedule is getting jampacked. Remember the photo I posted about the squaries and calendar? Well, congratulations to me, this whole week is fully booked by events. But I am still available at night. Date me out to chill me!
Dance Drama, it isn't really a UTAR's mega-event, but hey, the tickets are really selling out fast. I mean, for those who missed out the advertising, we include transportation and refreshments! Muahaha.... Gonna love Block C Cafeteria for the amazing students' response.
I remembered during that time the ticket was sold only... argh, never mind, it is such a wonderful thing to see things are reactivating to max. It's like an oxygen tank refilled. So much to use, so much to vitalise!
Another thing has been 'reactivated'. And I am not quite like it. I thought it is supposed to be ended as soon as a new semester started, but it was otherwise. I expected this to happen when the 'activities' started warming up over three days. So I guessed sooner or later this 'activity' will soon hit up on me.
And sadly it did.
Alright, it's ok, at least something offset it off.
And that's Sayang. LOL. Don't mistaken Sayang as my 'sayang'. His name is Sayang, that's what people call him. LOL. Smart eyes and intelligent brain. Not to say his dancing talent. And yes, I was thankful enough that I know this guy.
Sounds gay huh? That' WHAT most people think of friendship nowadays. =.=. Anyway, I am just glad to know him. And I owe him a lot. Especially I let him waited for me for two times consecutively two days. Day one was the breakfast meet-up, Day two (today) was the blazer handover.
All because of miscommunication and misunderstanding. LOL. Luckily none of us is angry or pissed off against each other. LOL...
Another thing I owe him is a meal.
He bought me dinner when he bought himself one.
I mean...
How can you find a friend like that?
I know Steph bought me dinner once, Qi Wen bought me porridge when I was sick or Andy took me for dinner when I needed one, Or even sailou took me out a few times for food.
Bad me =(
Well, gotta have my dinner soon. Ciao peepies!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Reactivated
Geez, guys, did you all notice a cool tattoo on the back of my hand. AWESOME right? Nah, I don't think anyone of you had noticed it. =(
It's my Vatarian sign. LOL. I know you don't know. Will explain later.
Anyway, I expected something to happen today, and I checked it later. No regrets, the 'thing' really did happen under my great expectation from yesterday. The strong feeling I got since last night was true after all.
Self-fulfilling prophecy? I don't know.
And another thing, good news or bad news? I don't know too, it's about me, saw another Air-elemented horoscope friend.
Damn.
Haven't I got enough?
The previous Cycle didn't really end quite well and another one is popping out?
Argh.
Nites. Will elaborate more later.
It's my Vatarian sign. LOL. I know you don't know. Will explain later.
Anyway, I expected something to happen today, and I checked it later. No regrets, the 'thing' really did happen under my great expectation from yesterday. The strong feeling I got since last night was true after all.
Self-fulfilling prophecy? I don't know.
And another thing, good news or bad news? I don't know too, it's about me, saw another Air-elemented horoscope friend.
Damn.
Haven't I got enough?
The previous Cycle didn't really end quite well and another one is popping out?
Argh.
Nites. Will elaborate more later.
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