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Thursday, September 8, 2011

Zibei

Zibei = looking down on ownself.

Despite everyone fears me, respect (?) me and joke with me, I am a slug. I don't do much. I laze around, but still minding people's business.

I don't have dreams, I realised. I always do something for the present day or maybe at most in the near future.


I am starting to doubt whether I am a male. Males are ambitious, stylistic, sporting, manly, smart-looking, stable, strong, determined...

I am having no dreams, artistic, sensitive, feminine, stern-looking, unstable, weak and sluggish.

I don't have the favour of looking big cars, big toys, electronic gadgets. I don't. I really don't. I prefer sitting in my hall around two-storeys high, filled entirely with books I love, reading there near an indoor perfumed fountain and relax on a shiny marble floor while a ceiling high window let me gaze into my garden.

I want to have three pianos. Three grand pianos. A telescope. A star chart drawn on my walls. A room with everything in copper (II) sulphate blue.

I am dreaming on having trapped in beauty and wonder, rather than storming out from the walls and venture into the exciting world of competition, pressure and sportastic events.

I don't.

Sometimes, I feel like killing myself and reborn again, so that I can see what went wrong during my lifetime. Maybe my friend was right, I was born as a loner, no matter how each of you comfort me by saying "I am here with you". It's just white lie just to keep me happy.

Saying of lies, some of you, I know, don't lie to me, but you all hide the truth from me. That's not quite the same thing, but it gives me more hurt. You hide it just to make me feel good, but do you know, when I discover the truth myself, the hurt is even worse? It's like cutting my own heart with my own pair of hands instead of your hands.

Today, I just discovered a lot of hidden truth, even from my closest friends.

I know I am a busybody, but the truth just blurted out accidentally. I didn't mean to get it. But once I get it, I know, now, I am a very fragile and sensitive guy, like Juan Wyn had said. I think so far, the most respectable friend I ever have is Juan Wyn, even though so many waters crossed under our bridges.

I missed his straightforwardness. I missed how he evaluates me.

I am getting more and more 'zibei'.

After this final, I tell myself this, I will not going to run along like this anymore. I have to live my own life. No more depending here and there.

I have a fragile heart, I know.

Go on, all of you, hide your truths from me, just because you 'assume' I will get hurt, or you 'assume' I don't need to know. Never mind, I am controlling now. I already foresee something bad going to happen soon, maybe next sem. I am already seeing a thunder in the horizon and I am prepared.

I speak like an old man, whine like a child, and I admit, I am no man. I am belong to nobody in this world, except my family in my hometown. No matter how each of you treat me, the deepening of the valley just got deeper in my heart.

It's OK.

I got used to it. And I can say, I love JingCong for his funniness and how he talks to me. I love Andy for listening to my cries and help me out. I love both of them. Of course with Alan Tan's stupid talking. LOL. I just love you guys.

Even though you didn't offer me the greatest, but you help me the most in my difficult time.

It's the only time, I can be myself with you guys.

Thank you for offering all the unnecessary ride just because of me. I will reset my target of helping 70 people a day next semester. You guys never ignore me. I just... being grateful....

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