The Cycle

And so, the Cycle has fulfilled its turn. It seems like I can't stop it. Why in the world when I get to know someone so great and nice and it ends up as soon as it begins to fire up?

What did I do that the Cycle keeps on repeating?

You know what I mean by the 'Cycle'? It means when I start to get to know some friend, and when our bonds are getting closer to become best buddies or good friends, the relationship comes to a halt or something happen that stop us from continuing. It often ends in 'goodbyes', 'frustration' or 'tragedy' (which, sadly, the last two seldom happen). I called it the 'Cycle' because this scenario has been repeating again and again...

In Form 2, I lost my best friend which I had known her for 12 years. She went to Taiwan right now.
In Form 3, I lost my sifu as he suddenly didn't talk to me. (I still didn't know what I've done wrong)
In Form 4, I lost my precious buddy under me because of my betrayal on him. It wasn't intentional. It was all because I was joining forces with another espionage thing (spy, in order words) and I forced to play a double-agent. And sadly, he failed to see that.
In Form 5, I lost my best buddy but whom I recently talk to him again, but we aren't as before. I don't know why I lost him.
In Foundation, I lost one of my best friends because of my pissed off attitude. I changed but the dark reputation stays.
In Degree, I PURPOSELY lost my friend because of his pissed off attitude of blaming out of nothing. I am not going any further in this.

Now, I am losing another one whom I just about to know him.

I am asking everyone, I am not questioning God, but please, why do these things keep happening to me? When will be the day, where I will have a stable and secure life, happy with my friends, great with my buddies and excited to be with besties?

When?

Who knows how to end my Cycle?

A Chair with No Legs

Today, I sat on a chair with no legs. It wasn't like that. It had legs once, but something had wrought it off and let me fell off the ground hard. So hard that my heart thumped in a single, deep, heavy beat.

I never expect things would spiral out of control. How I wish to turn back the time during Week 1 or Week 2 of this semester. How I wish I didn't hope someone to fail. I am thinking back and realised how evil I was.

I don't even deserve to be a friend, and yet things happened as they did.

I am not EMO-ing or depressing, I am just regret for what I've done. If only... *sigh* it's impossible now. The only thing is, wish luck.

That's it, I created my own heartstomper. I was supposed to be nice from Week 2 onwards, but I took things for granted. I avoided this and that, serious in this and that, and now, the consequence is, I lost this and that.

The best time I had in this semester, is probably the last time.

Enya said it right, "A moment lost, forever gone, can never be again" from this song:


It's only now when words are said
that break my heart in two,
I wonder at how you endure
all I've said, all I say to you.

How strong, how brave, how true of you
to bear the hurt I gave.
I know it tears your heart in two;
all I've said, all I say to you.

After all the words are said,
after all the dreams we made;
every one a precious one,
every one a summer sun...

A moment lost, forever gone,
can never be again,
so know how much it mean to me;
all you said,
all you gave,
all your love to me.

I am truly sorry for what I have done to you this semester. Forgive me.

Care

I once hurt my parents so much that they cried. I felt bad and when I was blaming myself, I kept scratching my back of the hand till the skin wore off and revealed its flesh. I wasn't torturing myself. I was feeling difficult. I felt I was utterly useless at that point of my life. Being a kid and still able to make my parents cry.

After that incident, I told myself, physically hurt is only temporary. It heals over time. But mentally being hurt is permanent. It stays there forever and haunts us. I now know how hurt my parents would be without our love.

And I told myself: Love your family.

I remembered when we were just primary students. Early primaries. We used to help each other carry books and stuffs, even though the book weren't heavy. We helped, we played and we cared. It was like "Friendship" was the precious thing in our lives.

But as we grow up, some people choose 'Lovers' over 'Friends'. And not only that, you can't see people helping and caring as they go. When they see people are tired and sleepy, they just ignore, hoping that "Aiya, if he sleepy he will sleep. What for I talk so much?"

But do you know, one word, one simple caring word can actually make a difference?

I often care a lot to my friends. I wait for them to sleep first before I go to sleep when we are on a trip or camp. I let them sit first before I do. I let them eat first before I do.

In other words, I want them to have things first before I do. It's not that I am stupid, I just realise the sense of friendship is losing its way when we grow up.

Friends are not those who drink and play or study with you, is about them being with you whenever it's possible.

I don't own that kind of friend, but I vow to make everyone believe, there is me, changing the perception of people about friends. There is a person, me, who cares and comes to you whenever you want to.

Missing

Missing. Two meanings and utterly sad.

Miss someone who has left you. Your heart cracks but never heals. You tried to find someone that looks like your lost friend, but it made your heart even worse. You feel difficult. You want to shout but there is no voice and there is no one to hear you.

Missing. It is lost. You can't find it anywhere else. Your heart never cracks, but it shatters into a billion sparkling pieces, each enlighted with your nostalgia, bittersweet. You pick them up, some pieces hurt you, some make you smile. It now tastes sour. You wish your lost friend is here to help you fix your heart. But your friend never come.

Tears for a lost friend can never end,

Hope that the fate twist and bend,

Nonetheless it can entwine but never find it can...

"When the stars sigh, my heart will cry as you said goodbye,

When will I see you by the sea as we both believe..."

~ From "Tears for a Lost Friend"

Light Your Path

Everyone has a light in their hearts. Some choose to let it unlit, some choose to light it. The problem is, have you lighted it correctly?

A recent events has escalated so fast that my heart and soul barely grasp it tight enough. First, I was a 'nobody', then I became 'somebody'. Alright, I am not trying to TTM here, but it's true, I realise that this sem, the light in me is shining so bright that I blinded myself... accidentally.

Low profile eh!

I remembered I was a small little kid (triple redundance here, who cares?), studying quietly in UTAR, throughout the foundation semesters, and up to degree. Till one day, Isaac SMSed me.

"Hey, wanna teach keyboard?"

There, the story of a legend has begun...

Still being solitairy as my animalistic behaviour, I quietly taught, quietly study and quietly sleep. No mixing around with those committees or tutors. Just being me and my class. Closed-door policy. Nobody even knew what was I doing in class. Ngek ngek...

Then starting from last semester, things got heated up. First with my ever first UTAR performance for Musical Gathering (actually I wasn't the performer, just a cameo), it sucks but at least it was my first. Then 2nd performance at FE night. It sucks too.

Then this semester, wohoa, I think I got short-circuit for a while. Suddenly I started to get along with NUMEROUS people within a very short time. If I were to plot a graph, I think the graph would be an exponential graph.

First was JuanWyn, then Jocelynn, DomDom (silly me, I didn't even know she was my ex-school mate!), Edison, SunShine (it's because I didn't want to talk to her last time. XD) and ... whoever else...

Then, got this Booth duty made me realise I have to be like when I was in National Service. Talk. Talk a lot. But not so much rubbish. Then this and that, I suddenly found myself on the way to BotC.

The 'High Profile' worm in my mind is wriggling, asking me to join this and that. Expose here and there. Yeah, you want to know the scientific name of the worm eh, you nerdy scientists? Altiverminus Profilus....

I think someone kickstarted that worm in me. I have kept it hibernating so well for one year, it's impossible I am the one who wake it up

Difficult

Suddenly, after having supper, once I stepped into my room, I felt difficult. I felt lost. I don't know why. The competition somehow wriggles in and echoes out, it's like a tiny voice echoing in the empty chambers of my heart.

What do I mean by 'difficult'?

It just means that I have a kind of no-feeling feeling. The whole body has no soul. Empty. I don't feeling like doing anything, except want to find someone to talk to and there is no one available at that time. (Hence, this blog).

It's not EMO. If EMO, I won't be talking, communicating, or even appearing online.

"Try finding a girlfriend to talk to lah!"
SWT! You think a girlfriend is a pillar where you can kick and scold?
"Try sleeping!"
I did sleep, just because I am sleepy.

Hmm, I remembered JuanWyn said, "Hey, sometimes TTM is good you know..."
LOL...
TTM to myself is somewhat awkward... later Jing Cong heard someone talking next to his room but only I am there, in addition it was 3 am...... SCARY......

But, what can I TTM about when there is nothing to be TTM-ed?

Last time be with SiewCheng, Tanning, JiXuan, all sorts of TTM topics can be talked.
Then still have JuanWyn and Andy, which unfortunately Andy said I am annoying. (True, though).


So, I am an annoying, idiotic, nothing-to-do, insolent, sanctimonious, egomaniac, emotional, sensitive guy. Period.





All I ask for, is an ear and a shoulder when I need it. I know you girls have it, but, sometimes, certain things, only boys can help. LOL.

Bye Monday Blues...

KTJ - Battle of the Composers

Warning: If you want to potong the ketam (Cut the crap), just skip the entire italic pink part, that would be more concise, but not detailed. LOL.

Saturday, I woke up at 5am, after rehearsing with JuanWyn. Then I go for that stupid Credit Analysis and Lending midterm exam. Damn tough and insufficient time to finish. Not to say the exam starts at 8.10 and ends at 9.40... AND... the lecturer didn't pass those attendance list around, making us SQUEEZE to sign our names at 9,40. By the time I finished signing and submitting the paper, it's already 10.05.

(My friends said my eyes were too small, tired, dark, bloodshot, and exhausted. True)

Yeah, guess what, I am late for the 'appointment' at JuanWyn's house. 3 times late in the semester. I never been late before in anything. Embarrassed by the course that Mr Soong has to pick me up at my doorstep (VIP weyh! LOL)

Makan at Tesco (11am), braised chicken rice with egg. Not so yummy, a bit salty. (Come on, it's Tesco, people). Then flew to Ipoh to Mr Soong's studio-school for rehearsal, then flew to KTJ starting off by 2.20pm.

Damn, and we are complaining about UTAR having located in such isolated place. KTJ is TEN times more isolated. No new town, No shops, No shopping malls, and I don't even think there is a pasar malam. But overall, nice college, with a tinge of British architecture. Elite school. English-speaking, even though there are Koreans, Maldives and whatever...

Large music room, drama room. When UTAR will have this? I was hoping for this in my entire life in UTAR. I left 2 more years. Will it be done? Chances are 0.0000000000000000000001%. UTAR doesn't even have a proper piano. I am not asking for the world-class grand piano. I just need a decent KAWAI or YAMAHA upright piano will do. Only costs about RM5,000, why couldn't afford?

Aiks... UTAR oh UTAR... Nice, pretty and big, but hollow in the inside. HA! (Don't call ISA to catch me ya!)


ANYWAY...

The competition was nice. Strong competitors, inspirational composers. But frankly speaking, of all the 4 pianists, excluding me, only 2 worth to listen, the rest were like, erm, weak? I mean, I can't feel the weight, as if the piano is a ghost instrument, now you hear it, now you don't. Even when you hear it, you kinda ask yourself "Is the piano necessary?" Sorry for being rude like Simon Cowell, but hey, piano is my soul. LOL!

My wish came true, no violinists. Haha, that makes both of us (JuanWyn and me) a bit relieved. A teeny weeny bit. And another thing is, all the songs performed there were rock, jam, nostalgic, kiddo-kind... only us, two guys, wearing suits (The only TWO people wearing such formal, steady, calm, cool, professional) playing super-EMO songs.

Solid grand piano. Hard to express when you feel hard to feel. Got it?
Guitar went out of tune. But hey, it wasn't our guitar. Blame KTJ? I don't know. Afraid of being caught by ISA...



Anyway, again...

Thanks to JuanWyn for that night. We have come a long way to know each other and play this song. Yeah, I do look serious, but hey, I guessed you know by now I am not. It's just a mask I put on. Ha. Seems like my younger bro didn't fail me at all (if he dares to fail me, LOL, Joke). I remembered I was hesitating picking you (JuanWyn) as my guitar part, because piano and guitar is like, erm, Melody + Accompaniment? Fortunately my bro is able to add a solo part for you. We both owe him thanks.

Although it was disappointing, but I couldn't help smiling. At least I have shown the people that I write songs, rather than I hide myself in the dark (low profile). So, I guess, JuanWyn has made me more high profile? I don't know. But I felt great for this. It's like trapping in a box for so long and finally I can sproing out.

So, uh, Thanks JuanWyn, for everything, ranging from Jokes, perli-s, fun and chats. LOL. We didn't do well, but we did do well for ourselves. Proud to have you as my partner for guitar. Proud of you to stay on the stage. Looking forward for any collaboration! Hehe.

Thanks to Mr Soong, who's so willingly take us to Tesco, Ipoh and KTJ. I think the total mileage is unimaginable. Dedicated, fun and happy, we all owe you a big thank. If only you can perform there, if only you can pull your violin strings, I think we are going to beat the audience (as there were no violinists).

Thanks to NienLee too, sitting behind with me in the car, if not I will be bored to death. Ha! Nice voice you got there driving the crowd frenzy and high. You made UTAR proud... No no no, you made Music Club proud. Haha. Maybe we can challenge ourselves by having 2 guitarists and 1 pianist. Really challenging work.

Thanks to KTJ, we lost 8 hours just to be there and back. Joke. Next time move your college in the town, please, the GPS is complaining already. Hahaha. But hey, I love your audience. Very sporting and supportive. Far better than UTAR audience who only BOO at you when you played wrongly. Good hosts. Formal but fun. (unlike Careena... hehe)

Thanks thanks and thanks to Music Club chairperson Isaac, and all other committees who supported us, like WeiZhi, Steph, as well as my friends like Yitmun, Weiwei, AhWei, JingCong and million others.

Okay, you wanna know the result?
Here's the statement:
Me and JuanWyn is hereby prohibited to meet - either accidentally or intentionally - Mr Paul.

Got it?
Ha.

It's my best birthday present if it were to be on my birthday.

Thanks

PS: I will post more later, OK? Now it's 330am...

Thanks to
Isaac for letting us take part in BotC
Mr Paul for helping us out with the preparations
Mr Soong for taking us there to and fro without resting as well as providing us a room to practise
Yitmun for being supportive
Weiwei for being insisting
Lingshiau for your wish
NienLee for your unbeatable encouragement and fun.
And lastly
Juanwyn, for willing to partner with me and play the song although his schedule is tight and busy.

*SALUTE*

It's Not That We Are Not Together

Two seeds, planted only a few centimetres apart. Both seeds, one red and another green, quietly germinates without knowing each other's existence. Till one day, when both of them finally touched each other's leaves for the first time.

The red sapling, a total of 5 leaves, shining brightly under the sun, showing off its red leaves.

The green sapling, a total of only 2 leaves, shining humbly under the shade.

One day, a blue bird flew by, chirping "Which tree shall I lay my nest? Which tree shall I lay my nest?"'

Too bad, the red sapling attracted its attention. "Come, we have more to share!" the red sapling cried. The green sapling, however, tilted down in sadness.

Then, a farmer passed by, crying, "Which tree bears the best fruit, I will reward more nutrients!"

The red sapling and green sapling tweaked. They both wanted nutrients to grow on this infertile land.

"Hey, Greenie! Mind if we join forces to grow larger so that we both can have better nutrients?" The red sapling asked.

"Of course..." the green sapling answered softly as if there would be another choice. Only by joining with the strongest and outstanding tree, he can only shed some light on himself.

A few weeks had passed, and the trees were growing, but it was always the red tree that looked more robust and tall when compared to the weak, though-leafy, shorter green tree.

The farmer passed by, "Wow, both trees are growing faster than anyone else! Both trees are like super close friends eh? No fighting for nutrients at all!"

The red tree and green tree smiled, but not to each other.

The green tree thought: After all these, I am planning to have my own fruit, flower and birds. I am not going to look at the blue bird or the red tree. I am myself. I don't need attention. I don't need to care for something that cares for another.

It's not that we are not together, but when we are together, we make our own walls. You refuse to cross over when you have the blue bird. So farewell. After this, we won't be seeing each other again. Happy knowing you as a friend.

Best Buddy?

Yeah rite, jodoh. It seems so true and yet so fake. What do you guys think? I personally don't believe in fate anyway, maybe because fate is just an excuse for everyday's event.

"What about your friends? How you manage to know them?"
"Bah~ it's just knowing and fun-ing. Nothing much..."
"I mean your best friend."
"Huh? What do you mean my best friend? I just make friends wherever I go if possible."
"That's sad..."
"Sad?"
"Sad because you don't have a best friend."
"Best friend huh? Really that necessary?"
"Yeah, you can share your secrets and share to burden with your besties."
"Err, I don't have secrets... and my ordinary friends can help me with the burden as well..."
"What about sometimes you need an ear and a shoulder. Who do you turn to?"
"Err... are you interrogating me?"
"Just concern about you..."
"So, does that make you my best friend?"
"Of course not, that sounds so gay."
"Gay?"
"Yeah. Don't you think like, erm, a boy having a best friend is gay-ish?"
"What the... who gave you that kind of idea huh?"
"Err, no one?"
"Then you are supposing that boys should be lonely except with girls huh?"
"I didn't say so... I mean like, you can have a best buddy."
"What's the difference between best friend and best buddy?"
"It doesn't sound gay when you said 'hey, this is my buddy', instead of the other..."
"Nice theory."
"It's a norm."
"It's a myth."
"Whatever."
"So you think I should find a best friend - uh, I mean best buddy?"
"Yeah, you should. Buddies rocks!"
"I am a study type, only twenty percent of me loves playing."
"Then find a study buddy!"
"Err... excuse me?"

So, have one teeny-weeny question, and in fact, is the stupidest of all.
Anyone cared to be my new best buddy?