20.11.2011

Woke up at 7.40am today, thought someone rang me up. No. Just my imagination, fell back to sleep, but woke up again at 8.15am.

Today I don't know what I should do. Since yesterday, my head starts to ache again. I can't stop seeing myself being a jerk. The feeling of having a thin line that I am holding onto to link with someone and some group... the feeling of that line is so weak that I put immense energy to preserve it.

Now it's going to snap.

I put so much effort on that line, because there is someone I love there. Someone I finally found after so many years. Someone I thought I could feel finally settled.

Now it's going to snap.

"Normal is enough, don't need to push so far," my friend said to me.
"What for? What for are you seeking this? I thought you have better life mission," another told me.
"You're just not paying enough attention to this," someone said.
"Both different worlds, and you expect to seal it together? Come on, it's like Mars combining with Earth, it's colliding, not combining. You would have expected that!"

You know what, guys? He is my brother. We never really fight before, we are just merely dissatisfied over each other's attitude or behaviour once and then we hug and that's it. It comes like a radio wave, with its crests and troughs.

If he doesn't choose to tell me the problem he faced, I am OK with it. I respect his decision. We are men anyway. We have our ego to keep things to ourselves. I doubt that I didn't do so, too. It's just because we are so rarely meet up, I tend to watch over him ever much more closely, don't letting him fail.

Because I do so, I tend to get hurt when I see him fail and never tell me, see him happy but never bother to check on my happiness. That was silly, I totally agree. My friend told me, if the line is well established, there is no need for me to put some lights and decors all over the line like a Christmas light wire. Electric current will just flow whenever it is needed.

Since yesterday, I slept and woke up now, I realise how much stupid mistake and acts I have done. I haven't even said thanks for yesterday. I remembered he told me 'I will tell you, but I won't tell you everything' so I guess that part yesterday was included in 'everything'.

I used to tell myself, if this is a Cycle, end it fast and bright, like a supernova. Don't drag it till both of us suffer.

Now, I just, frankly, let it be.

After yesterday's night, I know who to trust, who to be with, who to care and who to seek.

Lack of communication makes me understand that, I am very dependent on communication. Therefore, I know what to do now.

The line?

Just leave it hanging in there, just like my friend had said. There's nothing I can do about it. People talk about leaving networks as we go, so I just do that. No point trying to decorate that line in elaborate fashion while the true line is still as feeble as a silk.

Leave the Message On

One thing I seriously don't like is my messages turn unreplied. I think it's rude. Very rude. I mean, what's the point when I seriously want to care about someone and all the messages (maybe not all) are not replied?

Wasting my credit.

Throughout this semester, I am fighting a monster in me, a demon. My friend asked me, "Why aren't you like the one I know you before? You turn vulnerable. Like precious glass." Well, what can I say?

I lost myself. Terribly. And I miss myself.

JuanWyn was (is) right. There is no such thing as best friend. Ah Wei said, "Who are you? You are MZ wor. You are the strictest, fiercest and toughest person. You are MZ, must be strong." But I think my brother is my best friend (or at least).

Although he didn't reply my messages
Although he always say he is busy (even he's got time to go out play)
Although he says he has no problem (yet he tells people he has)

I don't mind. Really. Somehow this relationship has got me immune. It's like, go ahead and have fun without me, I am nerd. A NERDY NERD. I have fun with chatting with my friends, joking with sarcasms and playing piano.

I don't dance. I don't drink. I don't swim. I don't... anything else!

It's me. It's fucking real me.

I was once a guy who doesn't give a damn on any feeling. A hardcore ass-splitting bastard. Where's that me? I only gave my feeling to performance, and nobody else. And now it seems like I have defied myself.

I keep telling myself to regress, but the only thing that keeps from doing it is my brother.

Is it wise? Is it not?

I am not going to question myself, for fearing schizophrenic symptoms got worse. Anyway, my Rogula taught me a new trick: pray. Chant the mantras. Your best friend is your family and god. God and family will always be there when you need them.

***The number you have dailed is currently out of service, please try again later or contact your local service provider***

It's A Bad Day

It's not that bad after all.

I see you asking me "When are you cycling home?"
I replied, "Around 1pm. Why?"

There wasn't any reply till I saw you grinning in front of my house when I reached home. That grin made me somewhat a little better. The little burger you held between your palm, asking, "You hungry? I haven't eaten yet, maybe we can sit down and have some burger before we go, k?"

Even though you said you haven't eaten, you are the one who kept stuffing my plate with food.

I am really grateful. You are supposed to do your assignment, but you still came over. I feel... I don't know. I am just really grateful to know you. And thanks to you, I am feeling much better, hopefully tomorrow will be another great day, despite my midterm coming (T.T).

You know what's great about you?

You are like a shifting shadow. Whenever I feel like I need someone, you are there for me. You are always there. I am not sure whether you skip class or not, but you keep saying you only take 3 subjects in this semester.

Thanks.

It's not a bad day with you.

I am looking forward to see more of this rainbow-y day with you, if you are able to. =D

For now, I have to figure out my dinner again.

Don't Blame Me

Don't blame me. It's just that I feel very vulnerable in my past till it makes me feel like I am a shattered-but-pieced-up glass. That's why when I have some great relationships which I wished for, I tend to do whatever it takes to protect it.

If it even means boiling down to pure jealousy.

It's not my fault. Just like my serious, hard-ass face. It's because of my past, I have this stucked face on me. So, if I appear to be bothering you too much, protecting you too much, you should be aware that I am really treasuring this kind of relationship till I never intend to let it go.

"Your eyes perceive, not see. Don't blame the photons shooting at your retina to spoil your mood. Blame your brain for perceiving those neural signal negatively.

 

Photons from what you see are innocent. Spare them."

This is what I wrote on Facebook just now.

So, I guess I know several mistakes of mine when I sense one. Just thank everyone who has their patience on me. I think something from Zhi Bin has 'contaminated' me. Thanks!

And of course my brother, who suffers the most from my emotional turmoils, and still forgiving.

My girl friends (please notice the space between the word 'girl' and 'friends') who sometimes lift my soul up when I thought the world is grey.

Hey, weather has its patterns. So I have to bear in mind that it is my own perception. I have to control it now. The photons are still innocent

Photons, you are so unbiased that I SALUTE YOU!!!!

Schizophrenic

I think I have schizophrenia (for those who doesn't know what I mean, go watch Singaporean dramas. Typical)

I chat with my brother with a tone, but while texting, I type more towards my own feelings. Am I feeling that the distance between me and my brother is further than I thought? And does that mean that causes me to feel the strangeness while chatting straight from heart?

TTM-ing.

Lost without Words

Dramatic drama last night nearly spur into something unimaginable. I nearly made my brother utterly, utmostly, extremely sad and disappointed and hurt. It is unforgivable. I keep telling myself this.

I dumped him here and there like a sandbag. I never thought how he felt when I did so.

I remembered watching C & O. I remembered seeing how O waited for C to cool down every time C got furious or frustrated. O is the one who is so patient and still keep things hold together.

I remembered watching Frodo and Sam. Even though Sam is just Frodo's gardener, in the end of time of War of the Rings, the relationship they developed, through trust and love, in the end, shows that it is inseparable. Even did they separate, even the tears fall, Sam still has Frodo as his best master, or friend.

Now, I have one such person on my side and I didn't appreciate just because I am too protective over him till I focused too much. He is my main driver of energy and every time I lost him, I hate him. I am being childish I know.

After yesterday's drama, I realised many stupid things I have thought. Just because he is busy, then I started to avoid him and get another life just to make myself believe I can live through this. Just because he is having fun, I went to make crazier prank on people just to show myself I can be fun.

What is this all about?

If he is that active and fun, why should I follow? My heart used to tell me I should be like him. A twin. But it didn't. It didn't turn up as both of us like Rogulas. We are more like Avicors. Two dragon-birds that bound to be caring for each other, but not bound to be like each other (WARNING: the word "like" here means "alike", not "love"). I have to tell myself over and over again that it is his life and this is mine. It is impossible I ram into his life.

Anywaym long live the brothers!

Rain Over Me

Seriously this 'Rain Over Me' song sounds like Old McDonald Had A Farm, in which the rhyme goes 'Ee-aye-ee-aye'. LOL. Don't beat me, fans. I am just being... crappy.

I am in the library now, facing the window that shows the sky being divided into two halves. One is grey and another in white. Two totally different weather climate. Stormy and clear. Perhaps it is meant to depict my heart inside? I dunno.

Lately I have been feeling different. Feeling relieved that at least the pressure in my mind has successfully dispersed into everyone around me and received better auras. True, previously I have been pouring all my life into a single person and I always tell myself I only trust that single person. Now, I am sprinkling it all over. Haha.

I had fun with everyone this week, at least not to bother something that has the possibility slightly above zero on the scale. LOL. Mixed around more with Vancy and the gang, like Chin Min, joke with Wei Vian, saw Siew Cheng and JiXuan, usual partnering with Puay Cian and Sock Thing, got 'taken' care by Rachel and the sarcastic gang, talked super lot with many people like Zhi Bin and Dinesh as well as Andy.

Countless of people. Love you guys. At least my time is not about just waiting for a single reply or people to spend with me. ^^. Wai Hong is true all along.XD.

And one more thing, first came Nicara, then came Areiqira and Tyr-Hura Khan, now comes the new family of Othripus Lords ---- Aradnere! He is Dinesh. Hehe. So plus me, as Neruvatar, there are five of us now! I am keen to give him a name. Now I will call him Aradnere instead of Dinesh now.

HEHE.

Well, there is a major cock-up about the 11.11.11 thingy. For me, it might mean something like spending with someone special as the double '1' could mean anything like couple. Since I don't have any gf, or anything close to special (When the special-ed one was apparently to be too busy to spend time with me more), I think it's already 'self-compensating' that I have someone else already.

Sheesh, sounds horrible.

No, it isn't. I assure you. I am merely pointing the fact that I am just too focus on someone else last time. Now it isn't. Hehe... Well, gotta study now! Just recovered from ill yesterday, gotta take care of my self. Thanks to my twin!

Emotical

Stupid coined word. A person who is very prone to emo is described as being 'emotical'. Really. It's a stupid word. Don't ask why and where that word comes from.

I don't know it is worth writing, but hmm, Zhi Bin's H2O campaign keeps hitting me at the back of my brain like this campaign is to mean something. It's not any sense of deja vu. It's like something I have missed. Anyway, I am glad we finally talked.

Yeah, go ahead and asked who made the first move. Yeah, it was me (what? You didn't expect it?)

I am glad, seriously. More than glad perhaps. I think he is one of the person (only) that I can see myself in him. Hehe.

Anyway, move on.

People have been asking me about "Sayang" here and there. And I wondered why. What, you mean when you see me you have to see him too? Well, bad news, I ain't with him very much in this semester, maybe the next as well.

Nah, nothing has gone wrong (insofar). Did I miss him? Err, I don't know. The main thing I miss the time I spend with him like last semester. Yeah, he is busy, so what can I do? Wait patiently? No, I did something more beneficial. So I guess, I can put him behind my back for some while till he is free (which the probability is close to anywhere above zero. LOL). So why wait for something?

So yeah, I didn't make any move to SMS him or anything because everything will be just washed down the drain. So, advice for this semester: don't waste money on fruitless effort.

Haha.

OK. I don't have much time to write this blog either. I have a bigger thing to come with this Saturday. So, sorry blog, I can't write much or draw something on you, but please be patient yeah. I still come back to you.

<3

I am Sorry

I am sorry to everyone I have mistreated today. There is any chance that my emotions might be carried over to tomorrow. I think it won't too, because something beautiful has just happened to my life today.

Wonderful Wednesday.

I think back and OK, I admit. I am not a good brother. I can't even take care of myself and I go and kepoh take care of other people as my brother. Why? I don't know. I think instead of "I won't paktor unless I can treat my friends well", I should have this "I won't have best friends unless I can treat myself well".

I just simply don't deserve it. I hurt too many people sometimes because of my emotions. And they are not worth to be harmed by my emotions. It's not fair. It's just not.

Tomorrow is Thursday already. I haven't study one bit. Maybe I stepped the wrong direction last week. I don't want to look back. Things got worse already. Certain people's relationship with me is already devastated several times. The sense of trust is already crippling.

I should retreat. I should think back how I survived those years alone and I shall do the same. I am sorry. I can't have best friends now till I am done with myself. Enough said.

It's clearer and clearer that in my life, differences make us apart.

R.A.I.N

It's drizzling.

I have a surge of feeling developing in me and I want to tell someone about it. I need to share. I need to release. The surge is like a tidal stress, stressing my heart at its polar. It is as if my heart is going to blow any time sooner.

People say, distance is not everything. Sometimes distance makes both people closer. True? I don't know. I think I start to feel the same. Recently, I can hear some tone from my friends whom I met and be with every day with some snort of irritation, annoyance and "please-be-quick-at-your-point-'cuz-I-don't-want-to-hear-every-single-bit".

It kinda hurts you know.

So, maybe I screw things up. Maybe I am a little too much dependent. Life without someone is body without soul. Is that a true proverb? Whatever. Who cares.

I also heard someone today telling me that I have hurt people's heart indirectly and unintentionally. I am truly sorry! T^T I didn't mean to! Sometimes I made up hurtful stories to someone just to make that someone can be the character of my hurtful stories. I am telling B how better of is A treating me doesn't mean I complain about B, I am just wanting B to know that I hope B can be A.

Ah, Aquarius. Curious and complicated. =.=

F has been constantly asking me is it worth for whatever I am doing now, including treating somebody so nice that that somebody didn't even care a shit about me, or at least some shit.

I answered, I don't know. I have to keep trying. It's not like I have failed my first friendship once. It's been numerous times. I have to keep trying until I hit the right buttons. It's tiring, depressing, frustrating.

But I just keep trying. A mindless robot to everything.

Sometimes Rachel does help me sooth things out a bit. Whenever I talk to her, even though not about my personal stuff, at least she is paying attention. I can release a little pressure out from my over-boiling kettle.

Oh, I don't know. Everyone's been busy and I am like, standing in the middle of the ocean staring at the fishing boats busy fishing.

SRC has been busy.
Events has been busy.
Coursemates has been busy (paktor, sleep, rushing back hometown...)
Bruder has been busy.

I am... what, free?

Sometimes I purposely free up my own time to spend with others. But it seems like... sigh.

I make a wrong move last semester. And I am still falling deeper because I still believe it is NOT a wrong move.

However, sigh.

Aquarius. Wake up.

Oh, and one other thing. I have JUST been looked down upon, especially by .... ( I don't want to say much. You know, I know)

That hurts. That friggin' hurts. That effing hurts. You know?

Imagine you tell your father: "You are nobody." and I am feeling exactly like you father right now.

Whatever. Trying to contain.

I SHOULD try one whole fortnight without bursting any emotions. I have to contain everything. If people can do it, why can't I?

JUST WATCH...

Goodnight.